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| | my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?Page 6 of 13 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13) | OMG, MyI, I am surprised that even you would stoop so low! The law does not single out genders, only age & age differences. I certainly agree that the statutory rape laws don't even begin to address the problem of young teens having sex, however...if the application of the law seems gender biased to you, perhaps you might entertain the thought that those who break the law are more often than not of one gender. Who cares? That is beside the point, and I suggest you revert to the threads about single mothers, where you can join an entire group interested in gender bashing.
State statutes, while interesting, are a bit beside the point here anyway, aren't they? There has been little discussion regarding taking legal action in this case, until page 5. | |
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My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 127 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/18/2011 8:16:15 PM | OMG, MyI, I am surprised that even you would stoop so low!
Hey bonehead.... read the thread topic. It clearly states concern about her 14 year old daughter..... not 14 year old son. But you continue to read through threads with your gender sensitive (psuedo) concern. You're posts repeatedly make a big deal about someone posting about a specific gender.... you must have a real low self esteem if all you can do is chase through topics and pounce on a person for specifying a male or female gender on topics.
Another childish thing you do is keep telling people they are off topic. For example:
State statutes, while interesting, are a bit beside the point here anyway, aren't they?
^^^Meanwhile, mother hen, you need to stop jumping into threads with your predictable rants.... you do give substance to some of the stigma attached to some of the single moms.
Who cares?
Of course. You don't care so that makes it moot.
get over yourself and get on some meds.
I suggest you revert to the threads about single mothers, where you can join an entire group interested in gender bashing.
^^^Yes... get back on your meds.
Where in my post did I bash a gender?
Go buy a new plaid shirt and a cigar - pick spring colours, they're cheerful and refreshing | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/18/2011 8:41:52 PM |
^^^ All those numbers are great but there is one simple problem.... what's the penalty for a 14 year old girl who wants to have sex and does follow through and has sex? You're focused on punishing the male but nothing about the female who wants to be sexually active..... does that justify throwing a guy in jail? All she'll do is find another partner - a younger partner and potentially a less responsible and less mature partner - then what?
Those laws don't stop the problem; those laws hide the problem when speaking in terms of a 14 year old wanting to be sexually active.
Yes. And NO, it does not justify jail, that's the injustice factor with "justice" but it's an unfortunately consequence when people such as this OP allow such behaviors. That young man probably has NO clue he could be in trouble, he's not thinking with that particular head, sad as that is, and no adult is telling him that reality (in all likelihood.) | |
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My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 129 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/18/2011 9:12:49 PM |
Yes. And NO, it does not justify jail, that's the injustice factor with "justice" but it's an unfortunately consequence when people such as this OP allow such behaviors. That young man probably has NO clue he could be in trouble, he's not thinking with that particular head, sad as that is, and no adult is telling him that reality (in all likelihood.)
I agree... I don't think either of them are that aware of the consequences. Or they may be misguided in thinking that everything is fine because the parents support the behaviour. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 12:38:27 AM | Hi
I don't have a daughter but I do have a son and he went through the same hormone charged years as I'm sure all girls go through.
You do need to have a chat with her and I know from experience it's hard to talk about these things without wanting to scream because you really want them to stay innocent for as long as possible.
I actually caught my son with a girl in the house when I came home from work one day and I think she was about 14, my son was about 15 at the time. I don't think I will ever know what happened that day but I spoke to both of them and told this girl that as nice as my son is, he is just like every other horny teenage boy out there and he may not respect her later, I asked her what her mother would think if she knew she was in a house alone with a boy in someone else's house and should I call her to ask her opinion. She pleaded with me not to call and agreed her mother would not like it at all.
When she left I read my son the riot act about looking after a girl's reputation. The problem with teenagers now, and this is just my opinion, is that girls think they're being sexually independent but the reality is that boys still think the same as they did when I went to school and that's if there's a girl there who is going to do things, then, they're the girls they'll pay attention to.
I gave my son an example - just say he was at a party and he sees a girl who he really likes but she says NO and then another girls chats to him and she says YES but he doesn't like her as much as the girl who says NO, which girl is he going to hang around. He said the one who says YES so I then asked him if he was really being respectful to the YES girl then...... it took him a while to get the picture but then he agreed it wasn't nice. I also said what would he do if that was one of his little stepsisters and he saw a guy doing exactly what he was doing and he said he wouldn't like it very much.
My advice is also to find out what boy she's interested in and meet him. Then everytime they go out - movies or whatever, just casually say "you both have a good time, just remember my little girl is only 14!". It might be embarrassing for your daughter but it will certainly shoot the message home to her boyfriend. I did that when my son was 18 and going out with a 16 year old and I was worried to the hilt. Needless to say they didn't go out for very long and he has found someone of his own maturity now and he's an adult now so all I can do is hope that I've taught him well.
Also, although it might be hard, I think you need to get your ex-wife's opinion and thoughts on it and agree on the action as it's harder for your daughter to swindle both of you if you both know what's happening.
Maybe you could also ask your daughter just casually when you're doing an activity together whether she is using contraception.
I hope this helps. | |
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My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 131 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 2:36:12 PM |
When she left I read my son the riot act about looking after a girl's reputation.
With all due respect, shouldn't the girl asnd the girl's parents be the one concerned about her reputation? I'm not so sure focussing on her reputation would really sink in as a first value.
but the reality is that boys still think the same as they did when I went to school
Then, if things are worse morally today vs yesterday, are you suggesting that the women have made it worse?
It might be embarrassing for your daughter but it will certainly shoot the message home to her boyfriend
If the daughter wants to rebel especially because she is being embarrassed and/or treated like a kid, in front of a boy or peers, whose interest do you think the boy is going to satisfy? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 3:49:45 PM |
When she left I read my son the riot act about looking after a girl's reputation. With all due respect, shouldn't the girl asnd the girl's parents be the one concerned about her reputation? I'm not so sure focussing on her reputation would really sink in as a first value.
Sadly? Today? The reputation is more about what the girl will do/has done than the fact she's doing so. I recently learned from Dateline or (one of those shows) that the new trend is "advertising." As in bracelets that will tell others just how far a girl will "go."
http://www.amyth.com/Odd/Sex-Bracelets.html
but the reality is that boys still think the same as they did when I went to school Then, if things are worse morally today vs yesterday, are you suggesting that the women have made it worse?
What were they thinking?? I'm assuming it had something to do with "notches on the bedpost" sort of thing. I think that's changed. The young ladies of today are just as hell-bent on sex as the young men used to be. I think today, it's vastly different than when I was in the position of worrying about "reputation." JMO  | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 3:55:47 PM | You raise some good points however I was trying to bring my own son up with values and respect for women and part of that I consider to be looking at the situation from another person's, in this case the girl's perspective.
Also, just trying to give some information from my own experiences to to see if it's at all of assistance and nothing more.
The problem today is so many people like to criticise how another person parents instead of offering support and encouragement. What worked for me might not work for another parent, but it might, and sharing experiences is one way for parents to explore different parenting ways.
You could be right that it's up to the girl's parents to look after her reputation, but I don't know if her parents even cared and part of living in a community (to me) is to care for each other and look after each other if we have to.
My apologies if my parenting ways have offended you, that wasn't the point at all.
My son is now 19 and I love the way he treats women as I've observed. He's very manly and blokey when he's with his friends but around his girlfriend and myself he tries to watch his p's and q's and consider what our needs are. Occasionally he slips up but to me that's just being human. I'm very proud of the man that he's become. Over the past few years I've had a number of compliments from other, men and women, about his lovely and caring nature so I think I've done a good job.
I thought the original question was asking advice what to do and I was just sharing my own experiences to see if it helps as being a parent whether single/married/de facto/etc is difficult, both timewise and emotionally. It's not easy to bring up an individual to have self-respect and respect for others.
Cheers. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 4:35:08 PM |
All those numbers are great but there is one simple problem.... what's the penalty for a 14 year old girl who wants to have sex and does follow through and has sex? You're focused on punishing the male but nothing about the female who wants to be sexually active
Most of the statutes deal with age disparity….because it is the older more “mature” individual that has control over the situation…you can seriously say a 13 yo girl forced herself on him…raped him…took advantage of him…when him is 17…those 4 years of maturity are suppose to mean something..
And oh by the way…many a female school teacher has had their career ruined, reputation ruined, and gone to jail…for having sex with minor boys….
The statues seem to recognize older is “suppose” to mean more mature…wiser….more in control.
Hey bonehead.... read the thread topic. It clearly states concern about her 14 year old daughter
Ehhh…OP is a he not a her…and he writes his OPost about his “13” yo daughter…
Yes. And NO, it does not justify jail, that's the injustice factor with "justice" but it's an unfortunately consequence
I beg to disagree…but, it is justice when someone of clearly a greater position of “control” takes advantage of immature children….and the statutes list the max sentences…rarely does someone get the max…unless they really deserve it.
With all due respect, shouldn't the girl asnd the girl's parents be the one concerned about her reputation? I'm not so sure focussing on her reputation would really sink in as a first value.
Shakes head…
You raise some good points however I was trying to bring my own son up with values and respect for women and part of that I consider to be looking at the situation from another person's, in this case the girl's perspective.
Yes, that is what I read…I wondered how you should lecture the girls parents….shakes head again.
My son is now 19 and I love the way he treats women as I've observed
I’m guessing that if a 13 or 14 yo girl threw her nekkid body at your son…he’d politely turn her down…as he should….it’s evident that there are those that don’t treat women or anyone with respect or decency…shakes head a last time… | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 4:59:06 PM | I beg to disagree…
I'm certain you do ~ so let's re-cap. My FIRST post here:
~OT~ My son was VERY popular with the young ladies (well, with ladies of all ages actually) from a very early age. The best I felt we could do at home was to teach the realities of safe sex (which I beat into his head) and the differences between how young men vs. young ladies sometimes view sex.
Which goes right alone with the poster you are agreeing with, vs. me, which you clearly don't think I know what the day of the week is, which is fine, always good to have someone who has nothing better to do than to troll me here in the fora. (I don't quite get it, but apparently that isn't the point.)
He was 16 when I found a condom (in the wrapper) in the dryer. I left it on top of the dryer, when I got home, it was gone. His father called me later to let me know, "He's still a virgin. He called me embarrassed about the condom you found." I guess we must have done something right because there was a condom and he was wanting all potentially "interested" parties to know he hadn't used one as of that point in time. Fast forward a year ~ and enter a lovely young lady. She had a wretched home life. She'd been bounced around from family members/friends for a long time, landing with a family who's kids had all dropped out of school, were known to have some serious issues at home (abuse/neglect/etc.) and yet I simply didn't see how she meshed in there at all. Just a nice, exceptionally attractive young woman. The rule was: she's more than welcome to stay here with you, but not in your room. She was a fairly permanent fixture in my home, when I traveled for business, she was a fixture at my ex's home. There are times that we make decisions for reasons that no one understands on behalf of our children and/or their friends and my decision was quite simple: if she had a safe/loving place to be ~ she'd continue going to school. She'd eat regular meals. She'd have clean clothes and she'd be reasonably sheltered from things I didn't think she needed to experience where she was prior to dating my son. Had this young lady been 13? Oh hell no. Not an option. Had she been 15? Again, not an option. She was 17 years old and on a path of "going no where" had she not had someone to rely on for some type of reasonability. I'm no one's Mother here nor am I anyone's moral compass but my own ~ but sometimes we, as parents, need to make decisions about our own children, and on rare occasions for parents who aren't making good decisions or simply don't give a crap about their own children. I don't regret my open-door policy ~ but I also didn't have that policy for just anyone. It was definitely a case-by-case thing in my home. She was an exception to my no over-night rule. I think it would be impossible to advise someone else what to allow in their own home. But that's just me.
Clearly, I agree with the woman you are agreeing with ~ so what's the angle? You just wanna be persnickety and/or agreed with or just to "beg to disagree"??? If so? Cool. Maybe the poster above will help out, since my first post clearly is stating exactly what she is stating. Till the day my son died, there wasn't a woman young or old that would attest she hadn't been treated with respect while in his company. He opened doors, he dropped off at the door when it was raining so I/others wouldn't get wet, he picked up the bill for dinner and he was the best gift giver EVER. He loved women, he respected women, and he preferred to take care of them vs. treating them like trash and that included knowing the difference between taking advantage of someone too young to know better and self-gratification. If you'd like to argue what makes a good parent, find one to argue with that wasn't so great ~ you won't win with me when it comes to discussing how to raise a young man. I did so ~ I'm well aware how it works. How others choose to do so? I don't live in their world ~ I don't push my way on others, when it comes to legalities? I know how that works, nearly 20 years in the system, there is NO such thing as justice. If there were? This thread wouldn't be in existence because social workers would have already taken care of the problematic OP and her bad bad bad decisions. Doesn't work that way. JMO | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 5:10:38 PM | I think you should look at my past postings...I for the most part agree with you...In fact, the condom post brought a tear to my eye...which I read when you first psoted it...but, hey...interpret what you may..
You just wanna be persnickety and/or agreed with or just to "beg to disagree"
I disagree...in that older more mature adults (on topic specifically 4 years in the OPost case) "should" suffer consequences, including jail for more henious circumstances, for taking sexual advantage of younger children...that is what I disagree about...explaining it down while shaking head... | |
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My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 137 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 5:32:19 PM | I disagree...in that older more mature adults (on topic specifically 4 years in the OPost case) "should" suffer consequences, including jail for more henious circumstances
You are overlooking one vital statistic.... the boy is 17 - he's legally a minor and not a mature adult. For you to consider him to be penalised as an adult is, for the most part, wrong.
You say "Henious" (?), but the truth is, what he did was wrong but he did it as a minor. It is wrong in many ways but it doesn't appear as if he manipulated, coerced or forced himself onto her so, in effect, you're being a little over dramatic..... which doesn't surprise me.
Suit the punishment to the crime - not according to a bunch of over reacting, self righteous asswipes who need to displace their anger onto others.
Shakes head…
Which head are you shaking? | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 5:46:26 PM | You are overlooking one vital statistic.... the boy is 17 - he's legally a minor and not a mature adult. For you to consider him to be penalised as an adult is, for the most part, wrong.
You say "Henious" (?), but the truth is, what he did was wrong but he did it as a minor. It is wrong in many ways but it doesn't appear as if he manipulated, coerced or forced himself onto her so, in effect, you're being a little over dramatic..... which doesn't surprise me.
Exactly. He's still a minor. Maybe the answer is to jail the OP. She's the only person the age of majority in this whole scenario, and by her own admission, there is no coercion/forced anything going on. ***shrugs***  | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 5:59:17 PM |
Which head are you shaking?
Since "this" site is POF..the big head.
You say "Henious" (?), but the truth is, what he did was wrong but he did it as a minor. It is wrong in many ways but it doesn't appear as if he manipulated, coerced or forced himself onto her so, in effect, you're being a little over dramatic..... which doesn't surprise me
Either I didn't explain my thoughts, or you read them incorrectly...re-reading my statement...you read wrong....by "more henious"..that's what I meant...even the statutes say someone 10 years or older who has sex with a child should have a more serious punishment....that's what "more henious" means.
Yanno...I don't know what a 17 yo boy or girl should receive in punishment for having sex with a 13...I just know that the older child/adult, 17 wtih a 4 year age difference is taking gross advantage of a much younger child...and there should be consequences...
Exactly. He's still a minor. Maybe the answer is to jail the OP. She's the only person the age of majority in this whole scenario, and by her own admission, there is no coercion/forced anything going on. ***shrugs***
OP is a he....you read the age of consent...it's not the age of majority or anything else...it's the age shen a minor can consent to have sex....most statutes have up to lower max penalties for this exact set of age's...and these are the max penalties...for the "more henious" crimes...where it was non consentual/rape/sodemy/ect
Well, in Ohio...he's safe...I still think that such an age disparity creates a position of power and control...and added responsibility...
In Connecticut...every boy knows the saying ..."15 will get ya 20"
EDITVVV
Nekkid was just a gross example-the most flagrent-more than likely it would be a 13 yo coming on to him..and he would politely rejuect...geeze...eveyone so friggin literal.
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 6:00:17 PM | Bigbadnirish
You're right, I am sure that he would say no to a girl of 13 or 14 but he also wouldn't be in a position where he would be around her naked either. He coaches tennis to girls of that age and yes I did worry a little as I remember how I was at 13 or 14 if the phys ed teacher was what I thought was gorgeous knowing how flirty I could be back then, but, luckily he takes his coaching seriously, he's there come rain, hail or shine (well not actually in the rain but you get where I coming from). He came home from one coaching them one day and whinged about how some of them just weren't trying, that's when I relaxed and could see he was just interested in coaching tennis and nothing else. The school tennis season has just finished for the first half of the year and they baked him a cake with the word 'thankyou' in the school's colours so all is good on that front.
I was a very strict parent, didn't allow him to wander the streets when he was 15, unlike some of his school peers (and they all went to the same private school as my son), if he went to a party I wanted to know the names of the parents and their phone numbers so that I could contact them and make sure that he had been invited as well as confirm the party end time (I know how teenagers all love a party and anyone's party) and yes it annoyed the crap out of him and we had some almighty arguments about it but now he gets why I was strict, he goes clubbing and although I still worry, I know he knows right from wrong and will do the right thing. I've also had other parents contact me about parties and stuff and we discussed and agreed what we would allow and not allow. So, I guess, for me, communication, communication was the key. If you start talking to other parents you realise, hey, they have the same fears and concerns that I do, phew, I must be a normal parent.
Thanks for your support. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 6:13:08 PM |
OP is a he....you read the age of consent...it's not the age of majority or anything else...it's the age shen a minor can consent to have sex....
***sigh*** The age of consent is irrelevant (yet again) once that 17 year old turns 18, that being the age of MAJORITY.
Well, in Ohio...he's safe...I still think that such an age disparity creates a position of power and control...and added responsibility...
I have NO clue what the hell this matters. This OP is not from Ohio, nor am I for that matter. It's not geography we're talking about here, nor do the individual state laws make a rats-azz difference in case you've missed the "age of majority" explanations here. Simply put? You turn 18 and you're boinking someone under the age of 18? The rules change. 
In Connecticut...every boy knows the saying ..."15 will get ya 20"
That's been around since I was 16 and obviously, no one is paying attention to that snip-it.  | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 6:35:43 PM |
I have NO clue what the hell this matters. This OP is not from Ohio, nor am I for that matter. It's not geography we're talking about here, nor do the individual state laws make a rats-azz difference in case you've missed the "age of majority" explanations here. Simply put? You turn 18 and you're boinking someone under the age of 18? The rules change.
Persnickity??? Actually it is geography...and it is not the age of majority...in some states the penalties change for the perp if they are oldr than 18...but, not all....and it is the age of consent...if a person can consent there is no crime...
Ohio
§ 2907. 04
Sexual assault for a person age 18 to engage in sexual conduct with a minor if the actor knows that the minor is between ages 13 and 16
(1) Six to 18 months in prison, (2) if the actor is less that four years older than the victim, a $ 1,000 fine, or (3) if the actor is 10 or more years older than the victim, one to five years in prison.
Well, literally, the OPost B/F would be set if the crime was in Ohio...but, it's not Ohio...it's Mars, UK...if we have to be literal.
That's been around since I was 16 and obviously, no one is paying attention to that snip-it.
Obviously, you are wrong...because nice boys and girls pay attention to this snipit everywhere. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 6:36:32 PM | You turn 18 and you're boinking someone under the age of 18? The rules change.
Same here in Australia, VGE. There's an allowable age gap of two years but after that the boy/girl could be looking at being charged with having sex with a minor, if someone makes a complaint. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 6:47:30 PM | ^^^well, all I know is that it is a good thing nobody "told" on my brother when he was 18 dating a 15 year old. Otherwise, we might never had had my wonderful niece and nephew 10 years later.
Not every situation is the same. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/19/2011 7:56:38 PM | From the OPost:
but when she goes to visit her mom ( she has BF there and I know mom has let bf sleep with her ( 13 vs 17 yo ) she is / was allowed weeks away from home
Just to refresh our memories.
And the OP is in the UK where the age of consent is 16...meaning anyone under the age of 16 cannot give consent to have sex. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/22/2011 12:45:33 PM | I think there was an age disparity between some of the posters who had a sexual relationship going on and someone complained to the authorities...who removed all evidence of statutory rape...thus there were some comments removes...
OP did say that he'd brought the matter to the attention of the police and family services...but, shortly after that he vanished...
Yanno, I find this discussion highly interesting because I've 2 daughters who are just about to enter puberty....and I mean any day for the older one...so, I'm concerned about how to help her deflect and ignore all the peer pressure to have sex.
Much of what has been said has reinforced the things that I try to do now...establish fair boundaries...talk...talk...and talk with my girls....listen listen and listen more....help them to be engaged in activities...social, sports, and school activities...the more they have to do the less time they have to spend worry about when to have sex. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/22/2011 1:07:06 PM | ^^Keep an eye on their friends, as well. My daughter's friends are all straight A students and very sensible girls. If my kid wanted to act out, she'd be getting lots of stern talks - and not just from me.
She's had a few girlfriends who've got involved in drinking and sex and those girls were pretty much dropped from the crowd. It's boring to have to look after your friends at parties. My girl spent a couple of nights holding back her friends' hair out of the toilet bowl or pulling random guys from their comatose bodies. That was enough for her to see the light!
It scares me how young women don't see how vulnerable they are when they're drunk. They seem to think it's a guy's responsibility not to take advantage. They don't see they are responsible for their own bodies.
But there are always girls and boys who go MIA..the hormones plus that missing link in teenage brains make them attracted to danger and risk-taking. Alcohol exacerbates it all.
We can't wrap them in cotton wool, but we can keep ensuring that they understand the consequences of their actions. | |
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| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 3/22/2011 1:11:24 PM |
Yanno, I find this discussion highly interesting because I've 2 daughters who are just about to enter puberty....and I mean any day for the older one...so, I'm concerned about how to help her deflect and ignore all the peer pressure to have sex.
Educate them, talk to them about it, allow them to ask you questions, be open and frank.
I wonder how many teenagers get into early sex because they see this taboo and unknown and they think that it must be awesome for people to keep it hidden, sort of the forbidden fruit is the best...
Trust me, I was educated, about pregnancy, STDs and AIDS, and I didn't feel the urge to mate with anybody in my teens, would have kicked the guy in his balls if he tried, remained a virgin until I met somebody worthwhile and, then, I used precautions and contraception.
Education is the key. And boundaries too. Your kids don't need you to be "nice", they need you to give them the direction in which they should go, which is the job of a parent. | |
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