| | my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?Page 9 of 13 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13) |
I do believe that it is "wrong" to condone the sexual behavior of a 14 yr old by deeming it "normal". It has little to do with either morality or religion, although certainly a strong moral or religious base might play a part (perhaps out of guilt alone, presenting it's own set of issues); it is wrong because children are not mature enough emotionally to deal with embarking on such relationships. It's not really about right or wrong for me, it's about protecting one's children, recognizing that they are, in fact, children, and guiding them so as to enable them to make the best and appropriate decisions for their lives at a time when they are equipped and able to do so. It is about prevented, rather than stopped.
Absolutely spot on.
The awakening of hormones doesn't imply the maturity nor the need for sexual relationships.
Where do you draw the line? In warmer countries, where girls reach puberty as early as 8 or 9, they are married as soon as they do so. I recently read a report of a girl in India who died giving birth at age 12, because her body couldn't do it and she had no assistance.
I know that, on one hand, we have a very sexualized society, and that, on the other, we have an awakening of the "everything goes as long as I'm happy", which is making our children and youngsters very vulnerable. We should strive to protect them, and allow them to be kids, and to not have their very much needed childhood taken from them. | |
|
My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 202 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 10:04:16 AM |
How I see things is that the 14 yr old who steals & the 14 yr old who engages in sex are likely seeking attention
^^^Very subjective.
I stole as a kid to survive and to get what my parents were not able to get me because of our family situation and not out of neglect - my parents worked very hard to raise us.
Those who steal and need to brag about stealing are the ones who steal for attention. - sex can also be viewed the same way. Those who are curious and venture into sexual activity are not the same as those who have sex and need to brag about it to friends. | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 10:58:36 AM | ^^Yeah, I stole too as a teen and I did NOT want to get caught, so I sure as hell didn't want any attention. I stole small items which I couldn't afford cause I spent my money on other things.
I didn't have sex until I was 19 (or 18). I decided the timeline on all those types of activities. Peer pressure never really worked on me due to what I went through as a child and teen - I was already a strong cookie by that time.
Your best bet is to relate to teens (this is difficult as parents, but talk to others who DO relate to teens). Not all teens have sex to get attention, not all teens have sex because of peer pressure.
Assuming all teens react to different situations the same way is not a good idea. | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 12:45:26 PM | Has anyone not read a thing I wrote about my brother (18) and his GF (15)?
Yes, I think most of us here read that. And then you add this:
Assuming all teens react to different situations the same way is not a good idea.
Exactly. And that's probably why the vast majority wouldn't be keen to your advice of handling this as your brother's situation was handled. First? For this OP to have posted this here, tells me he's likely quite inept at parenting. If he had a firm grasp, he'd have KNOWN exactly what to do, how to do it and he'd value his family's privacy, versus plastering such personal business on the net (anonymously or not.) Second? He'd have stepped in immediately and stopped the situation. There are several ways he could have done so, such as exercising his parental rights (assuming he had them to begin with) by removing his daughter from her Mother's home and/or welcoming authorities to assist in dealing with the situation. There's a difference between "tough love" and parenting. He did neither of those things.
This situation isn't like the situation you speak of. I'd assume your parents were active/involved parents. This isn't one of those situations. As for the young man and his family? I'd be willing to bet this boy has very little stability in his home. He's likely not in school, he's very likely not working and his parents very likely know what he's doing (as it's likely NOT the first time) and they don't care. If they did care? They would have put a stop to this very early on. He would have been accountable to his parents by being home every night. He'd have respect for this girl, because his parents had taught him to respect others, their homes and young ladies (too young to be having sex.) This is all just speculation, and I could be very wrong in my assessment of a hypothetical situation. But being I did raise a child through adulthood, I think I've seen loads of familial dynamics and most of those such as described here, were the kids who had no home-life to speak of. They find comfort and a sense of "home" and acceptance and love where ever they can. Much like my son's GF that I spoke of here. She was welcome in our home, buy me and by his father. And she lived by the rules that were posed to her when this arrangement began. She was 17, nearly 18 at the time, however. Much more a young adult than a teen-ager, as she'd had it tough for a while. Vastly different situation than this OP states. Each situation is different. Having a friendly sit-down isn't likely going to accomplish a thing (in this situation.) Sad but true. These parents? They've lost control and very likely don't care if they regain it or not and if the OP is not of that mindset? He needs to ACT, not type. JMO  | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 1:43:05 PM | I bet some of the parents on here condemning the 14 year old being sexually active were THEMSELVES back when they were 14, (or 15 maybe) but figured it was "OK" back then because it was the sixties, or 70's..
hypocrites suck, man! | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 2:40:56 PM |
I bet some of the parents on here condemning the 14 year old being sexually active were THEMSELVES back when they were 14, (or 15 maybe) but figured it was "OK" back then because it was the sixties, or 70's..
hypocrites suck, man!
Could be. Until you are a parent and have raised a child to adulthood, I think your labels are rather moot. For the record? Personally? I was a virgin til my first love. I was 17, a month from being 18. No hypocrisy here. | |
|
| |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 3:32:30 PM | Very good points greeneyez, I keep forgetting about the mother's original "fack up". I think your post raises some great points.
You are right about him stepping in and doing something. My mom would have in a similar situation.
I guess I'm not crazy about involving the authorities (if that is what you mean by "act"). Frankly, we don't know how the young boys parents feel about anything and I sure as heck would want to meet this boy and talk to the parents before I ACT on anything.
And thanks for the feedback. I felt lonely, sniff. LOL. | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 3:46:42 PM |
And thanks for the feedback. I felt lonely, sniff. LOL.
Aww, please don't! If there is one thing I have learned here from the private emails I regularly receive, in two years of posting in an attempt to help parents with the knowledge I acquired in the professional field, it's that for each poster who contributes, there a vast silent majority who read and appreciate what you wrote, even if they may not write back in public.
And for the record, I appreciated a lot of your contributions to this thread, happybunny :) | |
|
| |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 7:25:39 PM |
I bet some of the parents on here condemning the 14 year old being sexually active were THEMSELVES back when they were 14, (or 15 maybe) but figured it was "OK" back then because it was the sixties, or 70's..
hypocrites suck, man!
I bet many parents who experienced behavior of any kind before they were mature enough to handle it now know better than to condone such behavior; it has little to do with condemnation or judgment. Do you continue to think the same things are "ok" that you thought were so when you were 14? Geez, I hope not! Learning experiences that cause one to feel differently than they did years ago do not deserve to be likened to hypocrisy. Sorry, but such a statement in relation to this topic evidences stunted growth. | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/6/2011 10:34:32 PM |
I bet some of the parents on here condemning the 14 year old being sexually active were THEMSELVES back when they were 14, (or 15 maybe)
Nope, was not having sex at that age. I did have sex in my teens, but not at 14 or 15.
but figured it was "OK" back then because it was the sixties, or 70's..
Umm....i was not even in existence in the 60's and 70's. Well technically i was an embryo in 1979, but i wasnt even born until 1980. My own parents were kids in the 60's and 70's. | |
|
My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 213 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/7/2011 9:43:25 PM |
I bet some of the parents on here condemning the 14 year old being sexually active were THEMSELVES back when they were 14, (or 15 maybe) but figured it was "OK" back then because it was the sixties, or 70's..
I never had sex in the 70's because I was too busy using rotary dial phones - it took a lot of my time. And women preferred leg warmers over men. | |
|
| |
| |
My I
| | Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 216 | |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/11/2011 6:15:00 AM |
^^^^and just a reminder to all...Tell your sons that 15 and under will get you 20 in the pen.
And just a reminder to all..... don't train your daughters to grow up with that mentality. Placing a man in jail isn't gong to preserve her self esteem and dignity. | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/11/2011 7:11:00 AM |
Love, Love, Love......Love is all you need....~bigbadnirish~
^^^^and just a reminder to all...Tell your sons that 15 and under will get you 20 in the pen.
Just when I thought we were all getting along....
I'll remind my girls to tell the boys...unless you buy me this or that...I'm crying rape....just kidding... | |
|
| |
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/11/2011 1:57:44 PM | ^^it's "romp" pitufina..
Ahh I dunno..you don't have to be inexperienced for it to be unfulfilling..lol..
Sex is loving, fun, it's romantic, it's physical - and it's natural.
The best I could do for my daughter was to tell her these things and to emphasise the "love" part.
I didn't want her to grow up with any issues about sex. I didn't want her to grow up afraid of it or to see it as a bartering point. I wanted her to grow up knowing its place and being able to understand the feelings behind it. | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/11/2011 3:07:17 PM |
Ahh I dunno..you don't have to be inexperienced for it to be unfulfilling..lol..
Sex is loving, fun, it's romantic, it's physical - and it's natural.
The best I could do for my daughter was to tell her these things and to emphasise the "love" part.
Exactly! Couldn't agree more.   | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/11/2011 7:17:57 PM |
The best I could do for my daughter was to tell her these things and to emphasise the "love" part.
I didn't want her to grow up with any issues about sex. I didn't want her to grow up afraid of it or to see it as a bartering point. I wanted her to grow up knowing its place and being able to understand the feelings behind it
Gawd...give me the strength to accumulate the wisdom of these people... | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/11/2011 7:18:36 PM |
The best I could do for my daughter was to tell her these things and to emphasise the "love" part.
I didn't want her to grow up with any issues about sex. I didn't want her to grow up afraid of it or to see it as a bartering point. I wanted her to grow up knowing its place and being able to understand the feelings behind it
Gawd...give me the strength to accumulate and use the wisdom of these people... | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/11/2011 7:51:59 PM | Ahh I dunno..you don't have to be inexperienced for it to be unfulfilling..lol..
Sex is loving, fun, it's romantic, it's physical - and it's natural.
The best I could do for my daughter was to tell her these things and to emphasise the "love" part.
I didn't want her to grow up with any issues about sex. I didn't want her to grow up afraid of it or to see it as a bartering point. I wanted her to grow up knowing its place and being able to understand the feelings behind it.
 I told my son that the young ladies would very likely view sex as attached to emotions and he should NEVER play with such things. I told him that locker room talk was for those lacking anything better to talk about and that he was to respect any young lady that said, "No." even if her actions were screaming, "YES!!!" I must have done OK because he was a one-woman-man from the time he became sexually active. It's interesting to me those that don't value open/honest words of wisdom ~ I wonder how many secrets their children wo;; ultimately keep from them re: sex. I never wanted to be the Mother that was stunned with: "__________'s pregnant." And I saw it happen ALL the time with those who didn't have open/honest dialogue with their parents from a reasonably early age. JMO | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/12/2011 7:35:58 PM |
And I saw it happen ALL the time with those who didn't have open/honest dialogue with their parents from a reasonably early age. JMO
I quite agree, and I also see that what happens is that it is these same kid who have, and who respect rules, boundaries, themsleves, and who didn't have sex at the age of 14. | |
|
| my 14 yo daughter is sexually active - how do I deal with this?
Posted: 4/25/2011 4:48:27 AM | | 16 is the age of consent but how many people actually wait til then, i bet half the people on here lost their virgingity before they were 16, u cant stop someone having sex b4 16 . how can the bf be a rapist if she has consented that isnt fair | |
|
Home
login 
(I think you have a great deal to contribute always. I'm just lax about saying so. You're never alone in here, some of us lurk, but don't always say much.) 
