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 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 526
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?Page 22 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
RUN! Do not be co-dependent. Get away from anyone with this disorder or they will destroy every relationship you have just to get the thrill of doing so. Do not allow them near your family, kids, pets, employer, associates, church, refrigerator or mind. BPD people love only the idea of creating mayhem and discord in the lives of anyone and everyone they touch. RUN AWAY, do not delay. And never, ever look back!
 honeybeagle
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 527
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/10/2011 7:26:27 AM
Yes I have. He was on this site and I'm not sure why. He had only one commitment and that was to himself. He had more hissy fits than a teenage girl. It was an awful experience.
To set matters straight, the problem that these people have is called borderline personality DISORDER.
 HazelEyesOfJune2
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 528
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/10/2011 8:49:34 AM
Were you posting to my reply, if so thanks. We learn from our mistakes, or dare to repeat them. Now to put into practice my new motivations.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 529
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/10/2011 11:07:48 AM

But BPD is an illness of the MIND. Your mind and your brain are two different things.


Granted, you're right. I am a huge proponent of CBT. It has helped me maybe the most of any part of all the therapy I've had in my life.


But, if your BRAIN were doing what's described below, from birth (Because of certain events in my childhood....being removed from the house at 9 weeks old, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time at age 8.....I fainted from anxiety....are examples, I don't believe that BPD necessarily develops in adolescence) the child can have significant emotional dysregulation at a very young age....coming from the BRAIN.

If a young child sees something as "threatening", it's threatening. They don't have the emotional reasoning to sort out whether the threat is real, or perceived.

"In a 2003 study, subjects with borderline personality disorder showed significantly greater left amygdala activity than normal control subjects. Some borderline patients even had difficulties classifying neutral faces or saw them as threatening."
 Tanman64
Joined: 12/14/2010
Msg: 530
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/10/2011 12:55:48 PM
It NEVER changes... it is always a back and forth, Bad/bad/bad and good, It never gets better, but could always get worse. Trust me when I say I have been through this with someone I cared about very much.
 walleyej
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 531
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/10/2011 9:05:49 PM
Don't walk away,RUN!!!I wasted eight yrs & tens of thousands of $'s on tryin to fix someone I was in love with.It simply DOES NOT WORK.Yes I agree they can be so sweet & wonderfull but as hurtfull as a three step viper.Good luck and keep your chin up,it's not your fault.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 532
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/11/2011 8:21:54 AM

Which type of CBT are you in? I've heard that DBT was specifically designed for Borderline, and has the highest level of success.


I never did any formal CBT training. I was told to buy the book FEELING GOOD by Dr. David Burns, and to concentrate on the 10 distortions ONLY. My therapist then went over them with me, and started applying them in sessions with me. I've also worked with "Mind over Mood" to a lesser degree, and at one point in a group. What I found with that book, is that people spend more time trying to figure out what % of angry, sad, whatever they decide they feel....and pay hardly any attention to the "hot thought".


I don't think anybody does. BPD is a condition of maladapted functioning. Therefore you have to wait to see if you have maladapted, which is why it is not diagnosed until you reach an age where you would have "fixed" yourself by that time if you were going to,

The basic problem may be present before you're even born. But many people "fix" themselves as they grow into young adults. The ones that don't are given labels. Your environment can be the difference between fixing yourself and not. That's why most Borderlines have a history of lousy environments.


Emotional reasoning in the frontal lobe doesn't fully develop until the early 20's. By this definition, people shouldn't be diagnosed until their early 20's. Because of the impulse control, bad judgment etc. problems, it's necessary to diagnose them earlier....again, it's a matter of severity. Emotional reasoning in the frontal lobe has also been connected to social anxiety...which again takes us back to the amygdala and the whole "threatening" theory.

There is that odd person, though, who while adopted at birth and given a "well adjusted" upbringing, still goes off the rails. This suggests genetics, pre-natal habits of the mother that may have caused the frontal lobe to not develop properly or any of a plethora of other things that may have happened to the development of the child's brain in utero, that more or less give the child no chance of "fixing" themself.


Nothing surprising about that...the amygdala is located in the Limbic System (your mammalian brain). The Limbic System controls your emotions. If your emotions are dysregulated, that's where this is going on.

That's why CBT works...it uses the neo-cortex to send messages to the Limbic System that re-wires it to reduce or eliminate these bad messages it is sending out. It also shuts down the incorrect responses from the Reptilian brain as well (the oldest part of your brain).


I really hope that you're saying that I TOLD my mind what to do, and it passed the message on to my brain.......;)
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 533
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/12/2011 10:31:37 AM

That book is highly recommended for pretty much everything. It's a self-help book anyone would benefit from. I remember my doctor recommending it to me when I was having anxiety issues (I never got it though).


Why didn't you get the book? How are your anxiety issues now?

I have read the explanations that go with each individual distortion. Some were easier to understand than others. To be truthful, if I had tried to help myself with just the book, it wouldn't have worked. There has to be some kind of understanding of distortions, to understand the explanation of the distortions.


DBT was developed as a cognitive therapy specifically for treating BPD, as certain aspects of general CBT is difficult for those with BPD (Borderlines find it too invalidating, as it involves a lot of "change" for distorted thoughts, whereas DBT involves "acceptance"). It's a highly invasive treatment, and is only for highly motivated, self-aware BPD sufferers.


From what I've read about DBT, it promotes acceptance without judgment of distorted thoughts, while encouraging different perspectives, and strongly advising the adoption of different perspectives.


This reminds me of a session I had with my therapist a few months before I was discharged from therapy.

I was being stalked by my landlord....this wasn't a distortion on my part, he had done it before to other women....he was known to the police....and my therapist also knew about his reputation, and was very careful how he handled me regarding the situation. There came a point when I had to leave that apartment, or I was going to kill myself. Rather than putting me in the hospital, Mental Health got me out of the apartment. I didn't get out unscathed financially, unfortunately.

I was in a session with my therapist, and I was bound and determined that I was going to firebomb this man's house. I was serious.

My therapist yelled "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

I yelled "AFTER EVERYTHING HE PUT ME THROUGH?"

He said "NO IT"S INAPPROPRIATE"....and went on to explain consequences and how it would be obvious who was behind the damage, etc.....

I was not happy at all, but because "inappropriate" was a word I had come to know intimately over the years, I very begrudgingly took his word for it, and stewed in my own juices.

Needless to say, three years later, I'm very grateful that he screamed at me, and I was smart enough to take his loud advice.


DBT has been shown to improve in areas of self-harm and suicidal thoughts/actions, which is the main immediate danger in Borderlines. This type of therapy also apparently works better for therapists, as it lowers the "burnout" affect many professionals get from treating people with BPD.


I can definitely see how this happens.

While I don't think that a therapist should be a "Svengali", I do believe that while in the depths of therapy, that their judgment should be strongly considered before doing anything "controversial".
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 534
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/16/2011 4:12:14 PM
I was married to a man who had all of the characteristics of BPD but would not seek therapy in spite of the path of destruction he left behind him. He complained when I sought therapy for myself because his first wife and other girlfriends got counseling and then left him so it must be the fault of the counseling. I went to a couple of sessions with him and he lied to the therapist. At 160.00 bucks an hour he lied to the therapist.

He threatened suicide twice. He"pushed" the relationship at a very rapid rate. Any time I disagreed with him he packed up and left or at least threatened to leave. In three years I had no clear understanding of what might set him off. It could be anything. He regularly complained of feeling "empty" and seemed to think that I should "fix" it. When I could not I became an enemy. Painted black. Then he would want me back when he felt "empty" again. He seemed to be able to create something to be angry about even if it meant complete fabrication. He was verbally abusive and controlling and was incapable of having a discussion that might involve anything that he might construe as criticism. He has been involved in risky sexual behavior, some of which would land him in jail if he were caught. He is a porn addict in spite of his assertion in his profile here that he has "recovered". He never finished the program and some of the last communications had with him involved him trying to get me to have sex with him so he would not use porn. He just found a way to use his problem. "Problem" solved. No "addiction" here. He just masturbates to on-line porn for up to four hours a day, mostly while you are asleep and then blames you for "making" him do it when he is caught in his lie. He masturbates to on-line porn as a way to keep himself from getting too close to you for fear of being rejected and then can try and use your concern about the clandestine porn use and the effect on the relationship as a way to get you to spread your legs any time he wants it because you don't want him to use porn, do you?

He is here on this site. His profile is very deceptive. He is an "upgraded" member which is both hilarious and disturbing as the requirement for the "upgrade" is that one must be able to "form and maintain long term relationships" in order to have the "privilege" of "upgrading".

I guess he must have lied on the "assessment" or it is nothing more than another crock of bull to bring in money. This guy has absolutely no ability to maintain a "long term relationship" unless the woman is so beaten down that she would be willing to be his doormat and emotional punching bag and unpaid whore forevermore. He has yet to find that perfect mate.

It may have been posted before but here are the criteria for BPD.
It could save your life to know this. I wish I had.


frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
 thedoomom
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 535
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/16/2011 5:16:19 PM
I am bipolar and have been my entire life. I am not crazy or out of control. I have a chemical imbalance which CAN be medically diagnoised. I am a stable responsible citizen. People who deny there is a problem are not only hurting themselves but others around them as well. Councelling to learn tools on how to recognize out of control behavior and learning tools to redirect yourself is very helpful. Proper medication is a life saver! I am not lethargic or hyper. I have a normal job, relationships and life but until I was diagnoised and treated (it takes a while to figure out what works for any individual) I suffered.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 536
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/16/2011 7:24:59 PM

He has been involved in risky sexual behavior, some of which would land him in jail if he were caught.


This ^says alot about what happened in the quote below.....



He just masturbates to on-line porn for up to four hours a day, mostly while you are asleep and then blames you for "making" him do it when he is caught in his lie.


It sounds to me like he was sexually abused....etc. etc.

Any "free time" activity...it could be looking at race cars....that lasts four hours a day, would probably be classified as an obsession/compulsion.

The root of most OCD behaviour is actually anxiety. The person will feel anxiety (and with a Borderline, the anxiety is huge) and they will use the obsession/compulsion to release the anxiety. Unfortunately, when using OCD behaviour, the release is extremely temporary, requiring that the behaviour be repeated frequently.

An off topic example, is someone who had a small car accident. In their mind, they decide that if they kiss their religious statue before they go to work, they won't have an accident. Then they think they may be laid off from their job....so they kiss the religious statue twice before they go to work. If this continues, they could spend hours per day, relieving anxiety that's irrational.... by kissing a statue....which is what a large portion of BPD's anxiety is.

I'm not making excuses for your boyfriend, but I'm not surprised at all at his behaviour, and the fact that he can justify it.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 537
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/17/2011 1:22:00 PM
quazi,
I thank you for being here to give an "insider" perspective on this illness. I remember speaking with a recovering alcoholic about an alcoholic boyfriend. It was helpful for me to hear another point of view.

Yes. Anxiety. He would sometimes call me a dozen times in a single day long after we were divorced. He even asked me to keep him informed of my activities at all times because of his anxiety - but I think in that case he was willing to use the anxiety as a way to maintain control over what I did in my life. I don't even want to think of the fallout if I called him to tell him I was going out on a date, especially as he always wanted to know where I was going as well. When I did try to appease his his request to cater to his anxiety he showed up unexpectedly at the house of my friend and thanked my friend for taking such good care of me. Creepy.

Even though I requested he stop the contact he did call a few days ago and left an odd message. Then there were two hang-up calls within a few minutes of each other. I suspect it was him. I suspect that he is incapable of controlling his actions when he is in such a state of anxiety.

And yes - I believe there was sexual abuse that he has yet to deal with. He has alluded to incidents as if they were normal boyish exploration but the story changed in distinctive ways with each telling. He did own up to sexually molesting his younger brother. He also began his career of voyeurism by peering in on his mother and one of his sisters when he was still quite young. I don't believe this kind of behavior is in any way "normal" and I do not believe it came into being spontaneously.
 moonwalkerman
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 538
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/17/2011 2:23:03 PM
OP, the sheer amount of replies this post has gotten indicates that the phenomenon is apparently quite common. I have never dated someone with BPD, as a matter of fact, I tend to stay away from people who reek of anything similar to it. I grew up with a sister who has I would say one of the worst cases of BPD this planet has witnessed. I remember sitting at the breakfast table alone in the morning because she was in such a bad mood that she wouldn't eat with us. Her entire life has been one big drama, including school problems, relationship problems, work problems. My mother is scared to death of her and does everything she wants, without setting any kind of border. My parents have recently moved in with her, because she has two kids and, of course, cannot handle them. She is 48 years old now. The worst is that nobody in my family wants to hear that she has BPD. Oh no, she can be so charming. Right, as long as you do what she wants. Any sort of criticism results in her cutting off all contact. I would say: it never gets any better, and it is not your problem. These people will suck you empty like vampires, and you will never get anything in return.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 539
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/17/2011 3:08:28 PM
I went back and read some of the earlier posts in this thread. Then something came to me about my ex. In his profile on this site he owns up to having "attachment anxiety". What is interesting is that he does not say anything of work he might be doing to deal with this state that he is clearly aware of. Instead he says something to the effect that he needs daily attention. In other words it is up to his partner to deal with the issue.

That was pretty much what I experienced in this relationship. But it was a hell of a lot worse than dealing with his "anxiety". While the anxiety is certainly a part of the problem there is a huge amount of abusiveness which does not appear to be any sort of way to deal with "anxiety." It seemed to me that one of the ways he could feel better about himself was to jerk me around emotionally. Of course there were the incidents when the emotional abuse was clearly a way for him to try and get what he wanted, like a young child throwing a temper tantrum, but other times there appeared to be no purpose in the verbal and emotional abuse except as a way to get me to suffer. Did this help him to feel better about himself? Did this give him a sense of power?

Who knows......I think I can see how the bizarre and out of the blue accusations and narratives of something I had supposedly done could be a part of the paranoia and dissociation but it also could come across as a way to push my buttons. He learned that one of my weaknesses was the need to defend myself. This would lead to the circular arguments and would escalate to the point that he could then justify most anything he wanted to do including leaving me for the umpteenth time or using porn for hours on end or calling me a "fu** up bi***" and telling me to "f*** off and die". My response to his "baiting" me gave him the right to lose control. I was threatened with a whole laundry list of things that he could do to harm me financially and professionally as well as personally. This behavior did not and could not do anything to bring down levels of anxiety.

It seemed he thrived on the conflict. I could see the smile slowly spread across his face when I became angry or cried. He would sometimes then calm down but other times he continued to escalate even when I was begging him to stop and telling him I would do what he wanted if he would just stop. He loved it. He loved it when I begged. He would thank me after the fact for my begging. I guess that kind of end felt good to him but even when that end no longer came about, when I became strong enough to hold my boundaries, he was still abusive and even more so as he insisted that my boundaries were "abusing" and "controlling" him. I found one email where he insisted that my boundaries were "selfish" and therefore unhealthy for me. There was no correct way to deal with this man. I tried several different communication techniques but even so much as trying to identify the problem became an argument. It was hopeless for both of us.

Does any of what I said above make sense in terms of quelling his anxiety or is it a way to bring a "non" down to join the disordered person in the chaos they know as life? Or is it a way to sabotage the relationship - a way to fulfill the prophecy of abandonment that he so feared - a way to take control of the end of the relationship at the same time that he would then be able to avoid responsibility for the end of the relationship. I had to leave. My health was suffering. He can now tell people that I abandoned him.

It is also interesting to think about the conversation I had with a former lover of his. He insisted that she broke it off with him because she wanted to stay near her grown daughters. She told me that he broke it off with her because she would not immediately quit her job, giving up a portion of her retirement, in order to move to where he wanted to live. I am inclined to believe her.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 540
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/17/2011 5:35:51 PM

I went back and read some of the earlier posts in this thread. Then something came to me about my ex. In his profile on this site he owns up to having "attachment anxiety". What is interesting is that he does not say anything of work he might be doing to deal with this state that he is clearly aware of. Instead he says something to the effect that he needs daily attention. In other words it is up to his partner to deal with the issue.


I suspect that he would not even contemplate giving up his "attachment anxiety".

"Take me as I am, or leave me " sets the tone for the relationship. What this means, is that if you accept, there's no backing out, "but you agreed, but you agreed" ever hear that? It's my way or the highway, more or less.....very manipulative.


That was pretty much what I experienced in this relationship. But it was a hell of a lot worse than dealing with his "anxiety". While the anxiety is certainly a part of the problem there is a huge amount of abusiveness which does not appear to be any sort of way to deal with "anxiety." It seemed to me that one of the ways he could feel better about himself was to jerk me around emotionally. Of course there were the incidents when the emotional abuse was clearly a way for him to try and get what he wanted, like a young child throwing a temper tantrum, but other times there appeared to be no purpose in the verbal and emotional abuse except as a way to get me to suffer.Did this help him to feel better about himself? Did this give him a sense of power?


This is a little tougher. There will have been times when he did things to make himself feel better. Usually if you hit an achilles heel....possibly totally unintentionally-he will have been way overly defensive- that could have set him off. Another possibility is that he may have been "triggered" by something from his past-that he didn't even necessarily know himself what it was-could have set him off as well. The temper tantrums are on target as well.

You're right about anxiety not being the whole story....far from it.


Who knows......I think I can see how the bizarre and out of the blue accusations and narratives of something I had supposedly done could be a part of the paranoia and dissociation but it also could come across as a way to push my buttons. He learned that one of my weaknesses was the need to defend myself. This would lead to the circular arguments and would escalate to the point that he could then justify most anything he wanted to do including leaving me for the umpteenth time or using porn for hours on end or calling me a "fu** up bi***" and telling me to "f*** off and die". My response to his "baiting" me gave him the right to lose control. I was threatened with a whole laundry list of things that he could do to harm me financially and professionally as well as personally. This behavior did not and could not do anything to bring down levels of anxiety.


Yep....the need to defend yourself put the responsibility clearly on YOU. He knew that if he antagonized you, you would react (most people do) and he would feel free to go ballistic. (Which isn't the way it's supposed to work) The threats are classic BPD, but...in this context they're coming from feeling impending abandonment, and do actually reduce anxiety.


It seemed he thrived on the conflict. I could see the smile slowly spread across his face when I became angry or cried. He would sometimes then calm down but other times he continued to escalate even when I was begging him to stop and telling him I would do what he wanted if he would just stop. He loved it. He loved it when I begged. He would thank me after the fact for my begging. I guess that kind of end felt good to him but even when that end no longer came about, when I became strong enough to hold my boundaries, he was still abusive and even more so as he insisted that my boundaries were "abusing" and "controlling" him. I found one email where he insisted that my boundaries were "selfish" and therefore unhealthy for me. There was no correct way to deal with this man. I tried several different communication techniques but even so much as trying to identify the problem became an argument. It was hopeless for both of us.


To him, your begging, anger and crying may have represented "love".

By developing and holding boundaries, you changed the "take me as I am or leave me" rules that (in his mind) you agreed to in the beginning. BPD's EXPECT total loyalty and devotion....

What you did was to stop ENABLING him as much as you did before. If he could just get you to bend one of those boundaries, just once, that would set a precedent that you would have a hard time unsetting.


Does any of what I said above make sense in terms of quelling his anxiety or is it a way to bring a "non" down to join the disordered person in the chaos they know as life? Or is it a way to sabotage the relationship - a way to fulfill the prophecy of abandonment that he so feared - a way to take control of the end of the relationship at the same time that he would then be able to avoid responsibility for the end of the relationship. I had to leave. My health was suffering. He can now tell people that I abandoned him.


I've taken lots of hits for saying this in other places....I was brought up in such chaos, that I didn't realize that there was any other way. I didn't know "normal" or anything resembling it.

By our very nature, we sabotage relationships. BPD relationships end in different ways. I'm BPD, and I'm the one that left...that part is up for grabs. One thing is for sure...accepting responsibility for anything doesn't happen often.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 541
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:03:12 PM
"I suspect that he would not even contemplate giving up his "attachment anxiety".

And I suspect there are at least a couple of reasons why he would hang on to his "attachment anxiety". One is that it can serve to relieve him of any responsibility for his behavior - he can blame it on his "condition". The other reason might be that he can demand "special" treatment because of his "condition". If a partner is willing to give him that special treatment and take on the responsibility for being the "cause" of his bad behavior because he has this "condition"and the partner is not taking the proper actions to coddle him he can have it made in the shade.

In short he can play the victim to the hilt. He can use his disorder to control others. He can blame and rage and abuse and it is not his fault because he is "handicapped".

Funny - he regularly accused me of playing the victim - in fact he screamed "victim, victim, victim" about a foot away from my face while I was gasping for breath and in pain due to a couple of broken ribs from an accident. Of course he first denied doing this and then found a way to justify his behavior as I had supposedly done something to set him off. That was pretty much the beginning of the end for me. That was when I began to think "sociopath" as well as BPD.

As I said earlier - this guy is currently seeking a new partner on this website. Watch out!
 sensualseekerns
Joined: 6/1/2010
Msg: 542
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/17/2011 10:24:05 PM

In short he can play the victim to the hilt. He can use his disorder to control others. He can blame and rage and abuse and it is not his fault because he is "handicapped".


This is an issue I have commented on before. There needs to be specific legal definitions attached to people with this disorder when they are arrested or otherwise accused of criminal intent. They are completely aware of their intent, yet chose not to address it. This is a behavioral issue that often get misrepresented in legal cases. Thus the BPD afflicted person walks away from punishment.


Funny - he regularly accused me of playing the victim - in fact he screamed "victim, victim, victim" about a foot away from my face while I was gasping for breath and in pain due to a couple of broken ribs from an accident.


I have the same kind of problem with a friend with BPD. She yells at me and says "your not a therapist" when her destructive thoughts are challenged. The fact that I was, and have worked in the area of psychological counseling was lost on her chaotic mind. When confronted with a truth they cannot evade their way around, most BPDs go into tantrum mode.

This is a very common symptom of people with BPD. Judging by your other posts I would say you were indeed dealing with a man who has the more dangerous level of BPD. Stay away from him no matter what your heart may tell you.


That was when I began to think "sociopath" as well as BPD.


The rage that some BPD people carry out is very much sociopathic in practice, although they are not sociopaths. The difference is that a sociopath is a mimic that does not understand the emotional level of the actions, while an aggressive BPD person not only understands their action but craves the emotional trainwreck that can come afterwards. This will happen even when it makes both the innocents into victims and the BPD person a victim in their own mind. It is how they justify defending themselves or their insecurity based beliefs with violent reactions.
 LovingKittyCat123
Joined: 12/14/2011
Msg: 543
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 12:33:17 AM
There were times I wondered about it. The rollercoaster was no fun. Quite tiresome for me exspecially when I just wanted to sleep. Then I got sick and it got even harder to tolerate. Till this day I will never know but I do know something wasn't right and it wasn't me. My only solution was to limit the time spent together. Thank GOd my dad was a social worker. He prepared me for this. He even referred to his himself as dr jekyll and mr hyde. That goodness he realizes that. I had to walk out the door many times. Bottom line it is the illness not the person. This person will always be dear to me like many others in my life. From what i heard like many other illnesses it only gets better with medicataion that is taken regularily and of course love and support from friends and family. You must be a very good person. Many people would have left and not returned. Your a strong woman!
 Majordork79
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 544
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 1:15:34 AM
So some of you women who have dated men with BPD, how does it feel like to deal with common issues men have to go through with just the average women?
 imacipher
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 545
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 1:21:12 AM
Does a Psychopathic Narcissist count?
*Narrator: You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!*
*laughing*
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 546
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 7:25:11 AM

The threats are classic BPD, but...in this context they're coming from feeling impending abandonment, and do actually reduce anxiety.

I guess this is something that will always be difficult for me to understand. The threats had the effect of either escalating the conflict or actually bringing on the abandonment that was so feared. He claimed to hate the conflict but he was the one who created it - but of course he was able to blame me. He would "have" to be conflictual because of something I had done, according to him.


I was brought up in such chaos, that I didn't realize that there was any other way. I didn't know "normal" or anything resembling it.

This I can understand. I think one of the reasons I stayed in this hellish relationship for as long as I did was that having been abused as a child it seemed normal to have abuse and "love" coming from the same person. But the difference is that I could see a difference by looking at the world and the other relationships around me. I could see that my relationship with this BPD man was not normal but my misery was. Talking to others about what was going on helped tremendously. I guess there are several reasons why a BPD person cannot do this. Denial is likely a huge factor.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 547
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 7:27:10 AM
Majordork,
Either I do not understand your question or you have no idea what some of us are talking about.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 548
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 11:22:35 AM

And I suspect there are at least a couple of reasons why he would hang on to his "attachment anxiety". One is that it can serve to relieve him of any responsibility for his behavior - he can blame it on his "condition". The other reason might be that he can demand "special" treatment because of his "condition". If a partner is willing to give him that special treatment and take on the responsibility for being the "cause" of his bad behavior because he has this "condition"and the partner is not taking the proper actions to coddle him he can have it made in the shade.

In short he can play the victim to the hilt. He can use his disorder to control others. He can blame and rage and abuse and it is not his fault because he is "handicapped".


That's why it's on his profile.

Any woman who dates him has been "warned", and agrees to "deal" with any implications that may arise.....


Funny - he regularly accused me of playing the victim - in fact he screamed "victim, victim, victim" about a foot away from my face while I was gasping for breath and in pain due to a couple of broken ribs from an accident. Of course he first denied doing this and then found a way to justify his behavior as I had supposedly done something to set him off. That was pretty much the beginning of the end for me. That was when I began to think "sociopath" as well as BPD.


Believe it or not, again....anxiety. He was probably scared that his "responsible" person was in pain, and not in tip top condition to handle her responsibilities. He certainly didn't know how to handle them, but couldn't show it....so he became angry at you because he was frightened.

Not a sociopath....very messed up thinking.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 549
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 11:42:41 AM
This is an issue I have commented on before. There needs to be specific legal definitions attached to people with this disorder when they are arrested or otherwise accused of criminal intent. They are completely aware of their intent, yet chose not to address it. This is a behavioral issue that often get misrepresented in legal cases. Thus the BPD afflicted person walks away from punishment.


I think I've mentioned that I (and my boyfriend it was mutual) was arrested for assault a number of years ago.

Long story short, we both had significant mental health histories. We were placed on six months probation, and both had to see a Psychiatrist for six months. No criminal record.

Any trouble with the law after that....we would be treated like anyone else.

If someone wants to break the law, and keep breaking the law, and sees themselves as a perpetual victim....that's their choice. They get three squares, and a mattress in jail.


I have the same kind of problem with a friend with BPD. She yells at me and says "your not a therapist" when her destructive thoughts are challenged. The fact that I was, and have worked in the area of psychological counseling was lost on her chaotic mind. When confronted with a truth they cannot evade their way around, most BPDs go into tantrum mode.

This is a very common symptom of people with BPD. Judging by your other posts I would say you were indeed dealing with a man who has the more dangerous level of BPD. Stay away from him no matter what your heart may tell you.


I agree with this for the most part....

Your friend probably perceived that she was being attacked...yes verbally attacked. And had she actually been with a therapist, she may have felt the exact same way as when she was with you. If a BPD isn't ready to fix themselves, they aren't going to believe what ANYONE says.....because we don't trust anyone.

Unfortunately, the literature doesn't always get it 100% right. Usually the errors occur in the intent of behaviour. Again, unfortunately, BPD's lack identity, and sometimes we don't know why we do things ourselves, so it's hard to explain to others. One thing I can say for sure...the more identity, the easier the explanation.

I agree with artskier staying away from her ex no matter what.


The rage that some BPD people carry out is very much sociopathic in practice, although they are not sociopaths. The difference is that a sociopath is a mimic that does not understand the emotional level of the actions, while an aggressive BPD person not only understands their action but craves the emotional trainwreck that can come afterwards. This will happen even when it makes both the innocents into victims and the BPD person a victim in their own mind. It is how they justify defending themselves or their insecurity based beliefs with violent reactions.


This is one of those places where intent is incorrect "sociopathic" level rages come from one place.....EXTREME FEAR.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 550
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 3:27:13 PM

I agree with artskier staying away from her ex no matter what.

no worries there - I was a bit of a slow learner - tried to remain friends even after a divorce and the dynamic did not change even when the intimacy was removed - but I have not spoken with him in a month and have not been in his presence for a few weeks more. It just gets better and better every day!
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