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| | The Search for a RelationshipPage 2 of 2 (1, 2) | You don't find love, it does not find you. You decide to be in love, usually when you get the feeling someone has or will decide to be in love with you.
Psychologically, the best approach to getting into a loving relationship is to love the object of your affections. Of course, its always somewhat risky.
People talk about love as something that is a mystery out of their own control. Of course, these same people will also tell you in great detail how to get out of, lose, or otherwise destroy a love relationship, and the explanations will never by about an uncontrollable mystery. The list of reasons will be specific and detailed, and someone will have decided to put an end to the relationship.
Don't search for love. Love as much as you can. It will come back to you because of your act. | |
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/4/2011 11:10:30 AM |
Well, Cdn_Iceman, how's it happened for you, did you find love or did love find you when you look back? Lol @KFC well I can tell you for sure it didn't happen at KFC, Popeye's or any fried chicken joint lol. | |
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/4/2011 11:56:18 AM |
If you are actively looking for it, odds are that you reek of desperation, and no one wants to date that. It's only when you're happy with yourself that other people are going to want to be happy WITH you (as opposed to swooping in and MAKING YOU happy). ... The DevilsAdvocate
This is so true!
I went to a friends going away party this weekend.
And there were 2 very interesting couples.
All 4 people were actively looking for someone to mate with.
The first couple met through e-harmoney.
So I asked them a lot of questions on what they thought about the site.
I could see that they were happily in love.
Both homely looking, but hey ... it worked for them.
It seems that they were attracted to each other through commonalities.
I think this relationship had a lot of pluses, and looked like it was a good match.
The second couple met off of pof.
They were both in their 50's and very attractive.
They have been dating for a month.
She was a widower, and admitted that she could not stand being alone.
Her deceased husband was an alcoholic.
She then moved into a 2 and a half year live in relationship with another alcoholic.
And now ... she is in ANOTHER relationship with ... guess what .... another alcoholic.
The more they drank, the more touchy feely they became.
I think these 2 reeked of desperation.
So I think if some are really looking for a relationship it is possible.
You just have to have your own life in order to find the proper mate. | |
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/4/2011 10:36:32 PM | Actually, I'm here mostly to frequent forums - it's never been my style to search for men or relationships
If you're not looking, but you're social, and you're open to it
It's only when you're happy with yourself that other people are going to want to be happy WITH you (as opposed to swooping in and MAKING YOU happy).
IF you focus on yourself, your interests, etc. it will come your way. You will be happier & attract someone into your life
I agree with these points. It has never been my 'style' to search for men. When I first signed up for POF, I tried, but it was not something natural to me, so I never searched profiles and never contacted men; however, I did get addicted to the forums, and that is why I am here now, though I am now involvved. For me, being out in the world and being more social and open to people and connections in general led to my meeting my SO. I think if you are feeling good about yourself and your life and if you are social and active (in activities where there are other people) and if you are meeting new people, then you will meet someone who is a good match for you. Closing yourself off, staying at home, trying to find someone on the internet instead of in real life: I don't think that's the best way to meet someone who is truly compatible or to have good experiences meeting a possible match. There are so many horror stories associated with online dating!
As far a love finding you or you finding love: Some people 'find love' by serious searching; some people meet someone in the course of life and they fall in love. Can work both ways. Maybe, OP, try both--double your odds! :)
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/5/2011 6:04:42 AM | I think it just happens, OP, when you meet someone you click with, no matter if you are seeking or it finds you.
I've had good luck with people setting me up (believe it or not). Online, I've done better with guys I contacted first, than the ones who contact me first.
Your experience may be different - it's just the luck of the draw.
I think for SOME women, it is more about waiting to be "chosen"...to me, in this day and age, that's kinda silly. Of course, if you are going to make the first move - you have to not be so fragile that a "no" isn't going to bother you! | |
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/5/2011 6:23:15 AM |
Kinda like that chicken or the egg thang innit?
Yes, it is kind of the chicken and the egg thing.
I think you can grow into love or develop a deep affection and care if two people who like each other alot work at it, which is what love is too, though love love, I don't know, I still think it finds you and not the other way around. | |
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/5/2011 3:01:47 PM |
what do you think, do you find love or does love find you?
Neither.
I don't think of love as a terrier or a disease or a pot hole.
It's not something I can fall into.
It's not something that just happens to me because I didn't wash my hands after going to a public bathroom.
It's not something that sniffs around, or flies around in a diaper shooting arrows, that either through blind luck, or an act of conscious karmic reward, infects me.
It's not something external.
It's (to me) simply an emotional tool that comes from within me, triggered by certain things that happen based partly or wholly upon my choices, there to help maintain a relationship, for positive or negative reasons dependent upon my mental state, wants, and needs at the time.
IMO
We are here because we want to be in relationships...I am going to default on love finding me again, if it's meant to be.
This is about 99% of what is wrong with online dating.
Partly because of people seeking relationships, rather than just trying to meet as many (attractive to them) people as possible and letting the direct interaction determine the relationship, rather than trying to fulfill an idealized relationship by you measuring a person up for it.
Partly because to me this screams half assed passive aggressive control freak with victim mentality.
Because based the stuff about finding you, and men are supposed to pursue, it (IME) means that you basically show up here to let men know it's okay to approach you.
Basically you want to come to a place where being in that place does the talking for you so you don't have to. Worried too much about controlling how people see you.
You are on a dating site...you want to date. But you don't want to directly ask people to date. So they are supposed to know, since you are here, that you want to date so should come after you.
To let men know (without telling them, without talking to them, without pursuing them or telling them what you want) that they need to come give you what you want.
That's the half assed passive aggressive mentality thing.
Control freak is the desire to get what you want without saying a word to anyone yet having standards, basically "Okay boys, I'm here to date...oh wait, not you, not you....ummm, nah, not you, not you, can't see love finding me with you...hmmm, maybe you...oops, not meant to be, not my fault, just not in the cards, okay....not you, not you, yeah you..." etc..
The victim mentality is the whole "if it's meant to be" BS.
That's like saying "if you pray hard enough, it will come true for me. Didn't come true for me? Then you must not have prayed hard enough."
Or that if it doesn't work out, it's not your fault...it's just not meant to be.
"Oh, I became clingy and whiny, and stalky, and stabbed you a couple times so you left? I guess it just wasn't meant to be...Not my fault. I am a victim to fate and life. I have little choice over the matter...it was just not meant to be."
But that's me. I like personal responsibility and believe since emotions come from within me it means I am responsible for being bigger than they are. | |
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/5/2011 3:19:22 PM | | ^^^^ Warren... thats one of the best explanations of why the princess and fairytale mindsets wont work.... Good job!!! | |
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| The Search for a Relationship
Posted: 7/5/2011 3:21:34 PM |
It's (to me) simply an emotional tool that comes from within me, triggered by certain things that happen based partly or wholly upon my choices, there to help maintain a relationship, for positive or negative reasons dependent upon my mental state, wants, and needs at the time.[/unquote] Uhmm, well did it find you or did you find it? What was the trigger you speak of. And wow, you sure a negative nelly. If it's meant to be is not a cop out or passive aggressive stance. It is an admission of reality - if you have been looking for months and years and it's not happened, is it so wrong to say maybe it's not meant to be (or if you find love, then maybe it was meant to be?). How else do you explain it, there was a missing trigger or something. lol Really, when you think about when you have been in love, did you find it or did it kind of find you? That's all the question was. I hope you feel better though.  | |
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