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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Friends with Benefits... WHY!?      Home login  
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 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 276
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?Page 12 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Friends with benefits FWB comes in many flavours. Perhaps the most important characteristic is the frequency of the sex. If you do it a lot then it's probably not FWB but a "relationship". People who post in these forums are not clear on what a "relationshnip" is either. Then again, when we say "we're just friends" it means we're not having sex, but doesn't actually mean we're really friends either. It can mean we're just aquaintances who've been on a date or two. But then "We're dating" usually means we're having sex.
 FoxyMoron74
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 277
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 5:25:41 PM
It works for some people and it doesn't for others. Thats the thing isnt it? Surely?
I dont think it would work for me, I only sleep with a person if i want to be in a relationship with them now im old.
If it works for the two people involved though I cannot honestly see a problem with it.
As long as the communication is honest between them and you both want the same thing, i.e. to sleep together whilst managing to stay friends with nothing more unless you both want it then thats fine i think!
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 278
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 5:55:17 PM
Very long thread which I won't go through.Women have had FWB's for decades.They would seek a guy who wouldn't be clingy.Then they can cruise the cosmos without worry.They felt that the guy should be understanding of this.Never been part of this scenario,but if the roles are reversed...what will we hear?
 Deadflower
Joined: 10/25/2011
Msg: 279
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 6:25:23 PM
I just joined and I want sex and not a platonic relationship. I have close female and gay male friends. However this does not mean I want to be bent over by random strangers and that is exactly the kind of replies I have been getting. I am 50 and I don't want to wait for Mr Right any longer. I want an intimate relationship that includes time spent together holding hands and doing things. I may never want to live with this person. I definitely need mutual respect.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 280
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 8:03:22 PM
You want an intimate relationship that involves other activities? That is called casual dating. FWB is pretty much just intimacy for the most part.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 281
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 8:22:40 PM

Friends with benefits FWB comes in many flavours. Perhaps the most important characteristic is the frequency of the sex. If you do it a lot then it's probably not FWB but a "relationship".

This is one of the things that's puzzled me a bit...
How often the sex is in these FWB relationships......
I mean from the point of view that I'd go nuts (pardon the pun) if the sex was infrequent. So either I'd need a FWB that was ready willing and available pretty much daily or I'd need several FWBs in rotation, and or be seeing other women too... Or is it something that perhaps is better suited for those with lower sex drive who would be quite happy with once a week or therabouts?
And that leads me to the next question, if the sex is too infrequent with a FWB, would that be a sign they're getting it elsewhere or a sign of a low libido?
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 282
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 8:53:34 PM
^^^ It depends on the people involved! I've had FWB's that had a similar schedule to mine and we'd do a couple times per day sometimes...others, just once in awhile...it was always more about scheduling and having someone close more than the sex though.
I have a tendency to want more sex the more I get and less the less I get...to a point.

Really, if you think you'd need more than your friend wanted, it would be best to either find a friend with a higher libido or discuss the possibility of multiples....Maybe she agrees, maybe she doesn't, but at least give her the opportunity to make that decision herself....after all, your actions could affect her too...so be a FRIEND!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 283
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/31/2011 5:34:16 AM
uhm.........maybe once a week.......sometimes it can be a couple of weeks before we have time to get together.
Ridiculous to think everyone is of the same mindset and must get laid every day of there life by someone or you have to find someone else Good lord, it sounds like you only have a g/f to service you and it really doesn't matter "who" she is as long as she is putting out everyday.

Sure, if I was in a live in relationship, daily sex would probably be ideal........but I'm not in that type of relationship for a reason.
If I was having sex with someone on a daily basis.....it would be hard to not define what we have as a romantic relationship (IMO)
 taoistrunner
Joined: 9/6/2011
Msg: 284
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/31/2011 7:11:55 AM
Here is the thing. Sexuality is not for you to judge. It is only for the people involved. I am sure that MANY people find it very fulfilling and sexually gratifying. If you are not one of those people, then don't do it. Otherwise it is not for you to pretend you know about it.

It has nothing to do with self control, or need, or selfishness, it has to do with desire. Someone wants something, they go get it. If that is their taste, their desire or their sexual bent to do so, who are you to sit on a high horse and decry them?

It has no bearing on who they are as people, they can still be honest, loving, loyal, humane, sensitive, giving, emotionally available, and understanding. Sexuality is very personal, and it can be the source of a lot of judgment and hatred when people take it upon themselves to judge other peoples tastes and preferences.

You like certain things about sex and don't have a taste for other things, but I am sure that you wouldn't appreciate someone saying that you were somehow less because you liked what you like in bed.

So let's stop pretending that you are better than these other people because they don't like what you do sexually. It is none of your business to decide what is "good" and what is "bad" in someone ELSE'S bed unless someone is being harmed and not a willing participant.

Sex is defined by our own likes and dislikes and not an objective thing. If you don't like the idea, then don't do it.

Otherwisee, understand that not everyone feels the way that you do, nor do they have to. We are all free to like what we want without being branded "empty", "soulless", "selfish", or anything else by someone who takes it upon themselves to impose their sexual standard on everyone else.

Peace
 ted61
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 285
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/31/2011 10:57:41 AM
Do some of you think it is emotionally more healthy to play with yourself than to have a FWB thing with a trusted friend? It is certainly safer, but if that is your major concern, you should never get married because your potential mate could have contracted an STD before knowing you or could catch an STD on a "fling" after marrying you. There is no way to gaurantee your mate will not "stray." FWB or married.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 286
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/31/2011 12:49:18 PM
I think its a sign of emotional ILLheath when someone thinks that masturbation is "as good as" or the "same" as having sex with an actual person

Either that or they dont quite grasp the concept of sex in the slightest
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 287
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/31/2011 2:32:31 PM
Agree.^^^

Can't understand OP making that statement.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 288
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/31/2011 8:15:06 PM
^^^^^ Yeah, WOW! When I read that I was like: Okay that's pretty fvcked up right there!

While I don't think masturbation is UNhealthy, I think if you're gonna compare it to a FWB, given the FWB or ANY other relationship is a healthy one then relationship sex would be more emotionally satisfying...possibly even mentally healthier too....
 chromelove08
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 289
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/31/2011 10:34:11 PM
I was at a point in my life where all men just wanted fwb's and i settled for that even tho i wanted a relationship but couldn't find one. So yes i was looking for a relationship but i also wanted my needs met and i had a fwb. That's the only reason i would have one. Even tho, i just started dating someone, i was at a point in my life right before that where I couldn't find a man who didn't just want sex. It is frustrating and if guys didn't try to act like players all the time then women wouldn't have to either.
 sassy0013
Joined: 10/18/2011
Msg: 290
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:16:49 AM
I think people define FWB differently. It's important to have clear communication of what it means to you and to the person that you may enter into that agreement with.

What the OP described to me sounds more like a series of one night stands or a "f*uk buddy type of thing.

I guess you can title it whatever you want - my marriage to ME was a relationship that I took VERY serious. Looking back on it, all I was to HIM was a FWB with the title of wife so that he didn't look like a****to his friends and family.

To say that masterbating is as equal to having a FWB makes me think that the person who stated that has never had a mindblowing weekend with a person that he's also friends with.

The best sex that I've ever had was with a man who I had a monogomous FWB relationship with for 9 months. The worst was the person that I was faithfully committed to, shared bills with and dealt with the pressures and bullshit of a mariage contract with.

Some people chose that kind of relationship, not because they are lazy and selfish, but because they are are honest and selfless. Why commit yourself to something that you know that you cannot fully put everything you have into?

My children are my number one priority - any man that enters my life will always be backburnered. So why would I agree to a serious relationship with someone and not be able to do my part? That would be selfish. What I can offer is a monogomous FWB type of arrangement and see him during time frames that my children are elsewhere. Some call that casual dating. Add incredible sex to it and to me - that defines FWB.
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 291
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 11:31:07 AM
Good post, Sassy!
Here-Here!
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 292
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 12:11:11 PM

I was at a point in my life where all men just wanted fwb's and i settled for that even tho i wanted a relationship but couldn't find one. So yes i was looking for a relationship but i also wanted my needs met and i had a fwb. That's the only reason i would have one. Even tho, i just started dating someone, i was at a point in my life right before that where I couldn't find a man who didn't just want sex. It is frustrating and if guys didn't try to act like players all the time then women wouldn't have to either.


This shows so much back and forth, doublespeak and confusion, I don't see how ANYTHING is going to be right for you!
 blueceleste
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 293
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 1:18:09 PM
i remember a guy i met long ago who only did fwbs and complain why he couldnt have a meaningful relationship with a woman....i wonder why? he said he doesnt want someone telling him what to do and having **** buddies was easier that send off lots of red flags show he isnt ready for commitment but clearly said i am a committed person lol. he was a nut job at the same time didnt know what he wanted out of a relationship yet was older than me.

i met ppl who did/do fwbs and from my experience they were all selfish, irrational, a quack, trust issues, whores (loved sex waaaaaaay too much letting sex define them as a person), terrible at communicating, their rule was my way or the high way wtf!!! i forgot to mention controlling/verbal abusive. that got me to stop doing fwbs for that reason they wouldnt communicate either one guy told me i dont believe in it i said thats why ur still single lol
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 294
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 1:27:03 PM
You apparently associate with a very poor group of people, blueceleste! Perhaps it takes one to know one?
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 295
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 2:28:51 PM

i met ppl who did/do fwbs and from my experience they were all selfish, irrational, a quack, trust issues, whores (loved sex waaaaaaay too much letting sex define them as a person), terrible at communicating, their rule was my way or the high way wtf!!! i forgot to mention controlling/verbal abusive. that got me to stop doing fwbs for that reason they wouldnt communicate either one guy told me i dont believe in it i said thats why ur still single lol

I'm thinking there be another quite obvious reason why you're still single
 chromelove08
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 296
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 2:48:29 PM
This shows so much back and forth, doublespeak and confusion, I don't see how ANYTHING is going to be right for you!

I don't see how that's back and forth. I just said i wanted a relationship but all i could find was guys who just wanted to be fwb's so that's what i settled for til i found someone who wanted to be with me. Don't really see how that was confusing.
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 297
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 2:59:52 PM
Restricting myself to the question "WHY": I think that's because an FWB relationship is not a serious romantic relationship, and the people involved are not looking for a serious romantic relationship (for any number of possible reasons).

I think it would be interesting to see how often FWBers have long-term, exclusive romantic relationships. If I had to guess, I would guess that would be extremely unusual for an FWBer. I would guess that transitioning from an FWB situation - especially an FWB lifestyle - to an exclusive long-term relationship would usually be highly problematic.
 chromelove08
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 298
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 3:03:18 PM
It's actually pretty easy. You realize what you want and if that is to stay an fwb or have a relationship. I have had more than 1 fwb and actually a couple of them turned into relationships and others i am still friends with but no benefits lol. I am in a relationship now and i was not looking for one. To me it was gonna be just sex but it turned into more.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 299
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 3:36:58 PM
i met ppl who did/do fwbs and from my experience they were all selfish, irrational, a quack, trust issues, whores (loved sex waaaaaaay too much letting sex define them as a person), terrible at communicating, their rule was my way or the high way wtf!!!

Okay, I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, but in an honest way. Basically, in both Dating or FWB, you'll run into people who are me-me-me minded, has trust issues, irrational, etc. Moreso in FWB? Well, sure, I guess. But that hurts more when you're in a Dating situation than a FWB situation. And if one's a good judge of character, they're not going to be friends with someone at all, let alone w/ benefits if someone's really wacked out....

.... but my point is if someone's a little too irrational, there are a few lingering trust issues, they're a bit too selfish, etc., they can be friends. Maybe not close friends, but certainly friends moreso than actually Dating them. If you're FWB, you avoid Heartache, and same with someone you consider a friend too to a large degree. I have friends who can definitely be irrational, some who are kinda selfish-minded, have a jerky side to them, etc. -- and it would drive me nuts if they were a girl and I was in a relationship with them. I know girls who can be that way who I consider friends and the same way -- but I'm not Dating them, so it's cool. I can have a beer with them, banter, and have fun -- whether there's "benefits" or (almost always) not.

There's not the "sacrifice" either way as Dating would have... there's no real emotional investment. If one does, they weren't looking for a FWB in the first place, and they brought on that heartbreak themselves. Many times it's the emotional hopes-equaling-expectations type of people who should blame themselves -- not the other person who was "selfish" for wanting an -actual- FWB situation. Such person from the eyes of the emotional person not understanding FWB will come off as someone who is "greedy" or "just about sex" (ie not about romance; yeah, duh - it's a FWB; don't like that, don't sign up, but if you do, don't accuse the other).
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 300
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 11/1/2011 6:02:02 PM

I think it would be interesting to see how often FWBers have long-term, exclusive romantic relationships. If I had to guess, I would guess that would be extremely unusual for an FWBer. I would guess that transitioning from an FWB situation - especially an FWB lifestyle - to an exclusive long-term relationship would usually be highly problematic.

I would say that totally depends on the individual and the reasons they were in FWB's.
I, personally, was in a 3 year FWB before I met my future husband. We were married 11 years and I was quite happy being married....just not to him anymore!
I then had another 3 year FWB before being in a 4 year LTR......which once again I was quite content being in till we decided we each wanted different things for our future.
I have pretty much been in a FWB since with a bit of dating thrown. (Yes, I end the benefits when I am dating)
SO......like I said........I think it depends on the "WHY" of the FWB and bears no reflection on the individuals in the FWB's.
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