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 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 51
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Guys and their mixed messagesPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Or else, maybe men and women just communicate using different ideas?

slightly different objectives would be more accurate, i think (to the extremely limited extent such generalizations can be applied). men tend to be more focused on simply transmitting information, and a direct, unadorned style lends itself to that. women tend place more importance on feelings and rapport and make conversational choices accordingly, which are often more oblique. present unfailingly direct company excepted, of course.


So what men say is clear to other men, and what women say is clear to other women?
difference of emotional investment is more germane than difference of gender in this context. of the people who read your op, it's safe to say as many women as men knew exactly what he was saying to you and why.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 52
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:42:42 PM
"My friend who I referenced in the OP, got sick of dating men and is currently dating a woman."

Hmmmmm, now from what I have understood, being gay, is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is an imperative from your natural tendancies. Someone, anyone please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

This isn't a learned or chosen thing, sorry, your movie experience with some title like "something, something Jessica ___" is a fantasy. So then I must ascribe this whole contrived thread on men's communication skills, is BOGUS!!

I have found very few straight women, who willingly embrace an alternative lifestyle, because of the men they date.

Don't get me wrong, there are members of both sexes, who experimented, in high school or college, though those were as I said "experiments". No one and I mean no one I met, or posted on this forum that I read. Were driven to dating the same gender out of frustration.

Basically lady, I'm calling you a liar.
 oohlala21
Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 53
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:55:12 PM
It's not complicated.

My friend has been attracted to both men and women for years, but only dated men.

She decided to date a woman instead and so far is finding that communication with the woman is much easier (she feels like the woman is more blunt, with less 'lying by omission,' if you will). I'm not saying this would necessarily be true for all women, but I will say that my friend and I have both found that men seem hesitant to be fully honest with us, for some reason or another. And at least the woman in my life vs. the men in my life, tend to be more blunt and to the point. So I can see how that would make things easier in a dating situation as well.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 54
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:56:44 PM

Don't get me wrong, there are members of both sexes, who experimented, in high school or college, though those were as I said "experiments". No one and I mean no one I met, or posted on this forum that I read. Were driven to dating the same gender out of frustration.


I have heard it said: "If I were only bi, my chances would improve by 50% on a Saturday night."
 RandomScause
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 55
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 7:14:46 PM
I have heard it said: "If I were only bi, my chances would improve by 50% on a Saturday night."----

Funny. So the hitherto unexperienced gender would be twice as selective as the original gender the "person" has historically and exclusively dated.

Darn, darn, darn, my parents, who forced me to take math lessons for twelve years!!!
 Johnny-Romance1
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 56
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 7:27:57 PM
Dear Oohlala21,

It's these idiot, non committal, non verbal men that ruin my chances with women on this site. Most of these guys have girlfriends/wives and are cheating. The real problem as to guys and mixed messages is THEY are looking for sex ONLY. They don't want LTR's just sex....so dump them NOW. There are guys like me out there who WANT LTR's, you know, friends first. By the way girls, test these guys FIRST for communication skills. Can thet carry on a conversation, are they emotionally able to express themselves, if not, asta la vista Baby!

Johnny Romance
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 57
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 7:28:01 PM
WOW!!! Isn't that convenient! I mean not being complicated.

In the post before, it sounded as though she was driven to dating women by knuckle dragging men with no communication skills.

Now she is conveniently become a bisexual. So then why don't you hop on the girl express as well?

I mean if ALL you find are men who "seem hesitant to be fully honest with us", it's a sure cure to what ails you, right?

There must 200 or more threads about guys trying spare a woman's feelings. Or encountering a woman who thinks all he needs is convincing she is the best thing for him since sliced bread! Or men citing women who reacted with rage upon rejection. He11 I have one of those from an email exchange just this week! Hahahahaha!

Your problem is you want your cake and eat it too. You want to be the cool chick, easy to hang with, easy to get into bed, if your both attracted. But then you look for more.

When it isn't there you do the wah wah on here about them not understanding you, or not communicating, when they said "no there isn't any more", in a round about way, wishing to run in place and hang out.

So then it's their fault, you didn't do your homework and ask "will there be more" before hopping in the sack. Further you want to lay this dead duck at the feet of men, rather than own your own part in this.

As I said, liar!

Edit to add: some of you need a clue! You need to read the whole thread, not just the OP. So your up to speed on where the debate is, or has reached.
 Dorkvader27
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 58
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/21/2011 7:30:25 PM
It could mean numerous things and is entirely dependent on the guy and the situation.

I've told girls I'm starting to think we are better off as friends because I get the feeling they are losing interest.
I've told girls that because I simply didn't see it going any place further.
I've told girls that because I feel pressure.
I've told girls that because I don't feel I can give them what they want.
I've told girls that for numerous reasons and it's never the same.

You really need to be careful what you tell the person you are interested in. Some of it could instantly be a deal breaker. Don't talk about your past sex life or exes. Don't talk about what you like in a man. Don't talk about what you do not like in a man.

All of those things could instantly cause serious problems.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 59
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:19:25 PM

(oohlala21) Okay. While most of the responses have been in the same vein regarding what those words really mean, no one has yet to address the fact that giving someone such mixed messages usually makes them feel worse as opposed to better. It's not a "nice" thing to do at all. So why do it?


Because some people aren't "nice", and they can get away with it.

Arlo...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 60
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:29:54 PM
(OyVay...) Hmmmmm, now from what I have understood, being gay, is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is an imperative from your natural tendancies. Someone, anyone please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.


Somewhat OT, but I've never understood why some people seem to think that homosexuality *MUST* be genetic, or it *MUST* be a lifestyle choice. I thought that there were *SOME* homosexuals *BORN* that way, and *SOME* homosexuals that were *MADE* that way, through external influences. Y'know, like most yooman beens... huh! And here I just learned that *EACH AND EVERY SINGLE* homosexual *MUST* have the *EXACT SAME CAUSE*.

Arlo...
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 61
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:50:57 PM
"homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"

Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 62
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:01:20 PM

(AT) "homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"



(OyVay...) Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?


Well... yeah. What's your point?

Arlo...
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 63
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:26:02 PM



(AT) "homosexuals that were *MADE* that way"


(OyVay...) Well gee, Arlo, I guess from what you said, if the woman you are on here seeking, turned out to not be interested in more with you, and gave you a wishy washy excuse for that thought. The first thing you would want to do is become a homosexual. That about right?



Arlo:Well... yeah. What's your point?


Ah, don't bother....

... I made myself gay for a while in my profile and didn't get hit on ONCE, fer fvck sakes. Not ONCE, I tell you!...

... even though it was done it jest, originally, it was pretty disappointing that gay guys weren't interested in a pirate with a 37' mast. Sheesh.

What I DID get was only gay guy's profiles as My Matches every week....

... even after I'd become hetero again...



 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 64
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:30:30 PM

(CB) Ah, don't bother....

... I made myself gay for a while in my profile and didn't get hit on ONCE, fer fvck sakes. Not ONCE, I tell you!...

... even though it was done it jest, originally, it was pretty disappointing that gay guys weren't interested in a pirate with a 37' mast. Sheesh.

What I DID get was only gay guy's profiles as My Matches every week....

... even after I'd become hetero again...





Ah, but were you *BORN* wishy-washy, or were you *MADE* wishy-washy?

Arlo...
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 65
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:52:46 PM
To get to the bottom of this,
let's run this thru the guy translation software.

"You're so beautiful, cool, I like spending time with you... I'm just not sure if I can give you all that I should right now."

whirr, whirrr

translation:

"I just found another chick who is hotter."

sorry.
Another shallow guy I guess.

Look Aloha Girl, You are very pretty from when
you had a picture posted. You are also smart
in the real world. It must just be bad luck in
the guys you bump into.

cus you CAN be choosier.
and should be.
Early on spell out how you expect to be treated.
and the guy best step up.
If he doesn't,
hit the bail button sooner and find a new guy.
You will always have that option.
Don't get wrapped up in knuckleheads and try to make it work.

good Luck!
 oohlala21
Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 66
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 6:04:06 PM
It could mean numerous things and is entirely dependent on the guy and the situation.

I've told girls I'm starting to think we are better off as friends because I get the feeling they are losing interest.
I've told girls that because I simply didn't see it going any place further.
I've told girls that because I feel pressure.
I've told girls that because I don't feel I can give them what they want.
I've told girls that for numerous reasons and it's never the same.

You really need to be careful what you tell the person you are interested in. Some of it could instantly be a deal breaker. Don't talk about your past sex life or exes. Don't talk about what you like in a man. Don't talk about what you do not like in a man.

My favorite post so far. It definitely adds some things I hadn't thought of.

Although I think StrayCat's theory would be my first pick, if I were a betting woman.
 wishfulltoo
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 67
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 6:32:41 PM
I totally agree with you on this point, Johnny-Romance1)! That's why I absolutely will NOT respond to anyone on this site who doesn't have their picture posted.. I know there are trolls and predators out here.. I've had some pretty weird emails and if there is no picture, no response...

I also know for a fact that men state that they "want a relationship", when all they want is to text or email.. (specifically, my ex-BF), that couldn't/wouldn't commit after 4 years, and wondered why "I quit coming over to see him"! Gimme a break! How long did he expect me to hang around and wait?

As far as the OP, you get the respect you ask for.. If you allow a man to treat you disrespectfully by only coming by for movies and sex, that is all you are going to get... I may have to wait to meet my "Prince Charming", but I'm willing to wait, rather than hop in the hay with the guy until I'm sure he's something worth hopping in the hay with! LOL!
 lifeisanadventure987
Joined: 7/25/2011
Msg: 68
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 6:34:04 PM
Well that is way better then the guy just dropping out of sight and not returning your calls....I would rather have a guy tell me the truth....even if it is that I'm not good enough, or pretty enough........if they met someone they think is better......just tell me........
 wishfulltoo
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 69
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/22/2011 6:45:25 PM
Well that is way better then the guy just dropping out of sight and not returning your calls....I would rather have a guy tell me the truth....even if it is that I'm not good enough, or pretty enough........if they met someone they think is better......just tell me........

I completely agree with you!
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 70
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/24/2011 4:21:00 PM

(wishfulltoo) I would rather have a guy tell me the truth....even if it is that I'm not good enough, or pretty enough........if they met someone they think is better......just tell me........


I love how some people think that they can tell others *HOW* to break up with 'em. Lissen, people are gonna dump you the way they dump you. End of story. You can whine-n-b!tch about how they do it, or you can take people as they are, and actually deal with reality (one facet of which is that people often do things in ways you may not like. This falls under the heading of, "Sh!t happens!")

Arlo...
 Twicebakedtaters
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 71
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/24/2011 11:45:38 PM
The minute you get a mixed message......move on.
There is no in between. I am no ones Maybe.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 72
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/24/2011 11:58:07 PM
It always cracks me up. Women won't communicate with the guy they are with. They won't look at the guys actions.

BUT they WILL ask a forum of perfect strangers to read their minds and decipher the codes of their actions. lol; come on. ASK THEM.

Say what is this relationship about. Are we exclusive, are we just FWB, what's the deal.

It's not maddening at all. The way you are handling it makes it maddening.

Obviously they are not that much into you and they dont' want much of a relationship. You let them have what they want, when they want and ask for hardly anything in return. They are obliging.

They are hooking up with other people for sure and spending time with others. If that is ok for you then talk to them and tell them that. If it's not then define your relationship.

with them! not with strangers through a forum.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 73
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/25/2011 12:00:35 AM
no they dont'. I wish I had a nickel for every time a woman will NOT take a hint.

I saw on one forum, a guy LITERALLY told the woman,"I don't want to see you anymore as a girlfriend. We can sleep together once in a while, but I'm going to mess around.

The woman's question? What does he mean? LOL

Women LOVE to blame all men for all their problems and that women are so great and men are terrible.

I've never had problems communicating things with men or women. That's because I'm up front and I am good at it. I dont' decipher or play games.

And I don't blame others for my shortcomings.
 oohlala21
Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 74
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Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/25/2011 12:58:06 AM

I saw on one forum, a guy LITERALLY told the woman,"I don't want to see you anymore as a girlfriend. We can sleep together once in a while, but I'm going to mess around.

The woman's question? What does he mean? LOL

I don't think that's a mixed message. Do not assume all women are exactly the same, please. I wasn't assuming all men were the same when I wrote the OP. As I said in a later post, I was actually wanting to see the diversity of answers to my original questions.
 NotHereRightNow
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 75
Guys and their mixed messages
Posted: 8/25/2011 1:48:10 AM
Women do it too, build a bridge and get over it.
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