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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.      Home login  
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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

I told him to please give me closure.


OP, you aren't after CLOSURE. You want revenge. you are angry at him for not living up to your expectations.

That's why you dumped him to begin with.

You initiated the separation and end of your marriage, per your description. You WANT it to be all his fault, so that you can feel better about yourself, but when a marriage either succeeds or fails it's ALWAYS because BOTH people did things to make it go that way.

I say, just DROP it. Accept the fact that YOU chose to be done with him, for your own selfish reasons.

And I don't say "selfish" in a pejorative way there at all: you had every right to adjust your life as needed to make it satisfactory to you, and his choices vis-a-vis his work partner were a legitimate reason for you to BE selfish. The reason I say "selfish," is that for you to GET the "closure" you want, you need to recognize that ALL of the situation you are in is now up entirely to you.

You want to throw darts at his picture for fun? Go ahead. You wont get the satisfaction you think you will from that, and you wont get the satisfaction you think you will from him signing an affidavit avowing his responsibility for the marriage failing.
 vanaheim
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 27
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 4:44:05 PM
As you infer a key factor is an 18 year marriage. No matter how obvious constituent problems and their solutions are by opinion it is a little hurtful to present anything other than acquiescence for you to see things as you choose.

I'll just put the conclusion simply, you're not getting any younger or better looking so moving on is just plain being smart. Don't waste your years wringing hands.
 blackchic
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 28
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 5:33:02 PM
Poor woman.....I understand where you are coming from. Some of us get over relationships slower than others. You were probably faithful to him, and its hard for you to move one. I read some where that you should give yourself 3 months for every year you were with a person, to grieve and heal over the dead relationship, that means you have 4.5 yrs to get over this conflict you having with yourself. Pray, pray, and work on your self esteem, once you get your own life in order and start to think clearly, you wont care about "closeur", you will only care that his type of person is not worthy of the person the new, confident, self that you have grown into. Good luck! It will happen.
 beenambedie
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 29
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 5:42:13 PM
scor01 on 8/29/2011 307 PM
Subject: how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Message: I can take harsh. I know I am not his priority. He just works and sleeps. Hes a paramedic. why can't he remember out love. ? go ahead let me have it. I have asked him to tell me the truth for closure. why won't he?


I was a paramedic. There is more for a paramedic than working and sleeping. Dump his stupid ass and be done with it.
 commonsens_reloaded
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 30
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:01:31 PM
Scor01, don't take it the wrong way, but the first impression your thread gave me is " guys help me figure out how to troll him back in".

Clearly, you stated that you still love him, and try to figure out how to reach him by any means, you feel terrible that he does not response to your calling etc etc : Closure is in fact not your real motive, but the possibility to make it work again OR at the very least the signals of someone hurt who does not accept the situation and wants to transfer some of this pain unto the other.

After 3 years..... closure is already done by his silence. You've kept waiting all this time and still are waiting! Face reality: its over. You do not have the need of anything to move on, you just have to want it.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 31
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:42:37 PM
Stop putting yourself through this. The only thing you will ever get from him is more heartache & misery. You are chasing him & he is ignoring you. Stop texting, stop waiting for him in limbo, he is not your problem, so stop worrying about how he feels. He doesn't care how you feel. The only person he cares about is himself. If he had a conscience he would have acted like a man, & apologized for his actions & the dispair & devastation he has brought to your marriage & life. He is silent because he has a heart of stone & doesn't care enough about you to even answer the phone. He doesn't want any contact with you. I know the rejection hurts, he has put you through hell, but you need to move on, as he has. Release yourself & start a new beginning. Get rid of him, the same as you would get rid of dog poop stuck on your shoe.
 Angelflair
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 32
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 8:55:43 PM
Im sorry that you are hurting but i can understand why. Someone says that divorce is like chopping off your leg to take out a splinter or something like that. I have 2 friends that are divorced both about 15 years and they still are bitter and talk about the future that they could have had with their exes.
Dont be in love with your fantasy of what it could have been like. Look at the reality of what it was.
 wayne331
Joined: 8/17/2011
Msg: 33
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 9:06:26 PM
You sound like your miserable too. I believe he does love you but isn't in love with you.Sorry, but you need to move on! I'm going thru something similar now , it's only been 2 month s but I finally realized it's time to find my happiness, not to wait for someone who may or may not bring me the happiness I deserve.
I know it's tough! Believe me. One day you will look back on this and be glad you did!
Best of luck to you.
You can do it!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 34
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 9:11:41 PM
What do you love most about him? His lying, he's cheating, his bedding other women and lying while cheating? Maybe you love how little he thinks of you and how much he disrespects you and uses you and plays head games with you and treats you like less than garbage????

Maybe instead of trying to figure him out, and it's easy, he knows he can keep you jumping and begging and hanging on, but anyway, maybe you should work on what you think love is.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 35
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 9:37:39 PM
So far, all I see is that you are not willing to move over. Get over the guy. If you are divorce, accept it. Move on. Stop putting blame. It does not matter or changes YOUR reality. It just makes you hurt.
 Island home
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 36
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 9:40:57 PM

I am just a person that has the ability to learn and return

Closure comes when you learn not to return with an expectation that you can reconstruct what was.
 Rain587
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 37
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 10:14:43 PM
I was going to post this too daynadaze.

What I'm seeing is you still feel rejected and you said he still loves you so you are holding on to that. He does not love you. He said that to either keep you on the back burner for a booty call or just to shut you up.

Your self-esteem is bad. Please get counseling and only ask for friends in your POF until you can give yourself freely without the ex baggage.
 Tervis
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 38
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 10:16:48 PM
If it is that bad and you really cannot leave him you may even have to take drastic measures. I had a girl I was in love with for a long she refused to let me leave completely she just knew how to keep me there. I had too 1) delete her number 2) move 3) stop talking to associated friends and it still hurt, but no way I could have done it otherwise.

He is just using you for some kind of comfort plain and simple. It is a mistake to even try and figure out why. I still think about her sometimes all the "maybe if I did that" or "what if". I understand you may not feel good enough or be thinking "well just maybe if" but truly get away from him for a while and you will start feeling better.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 39
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 10:23:41 PM
Tervis is right on point. Cut all ties. You appear to be his safety net. Sounds like you have physically let go , but not emotionally. The emotional tie is a longer process. Best of luck.
 Jypzee
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 40
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 11:21:53 PM
Lets pretend you hound your ex into saying "Ok, now I'm ready to give you some closure" and he starts telling you things..how will you know it isn't some bullsh!t story he is telling you? Are you going to accept what he says at face value or tear it apart looking for hidden meaning? I'm sure u can pretty much guess on your own why things went down the way they did so leave it at that, get over it and move on and suprise the hell-o out of him by disappearing and make him think you have a life of your own for a change and then actually get a life!
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 41
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/29/2011 11:38:48 PM
Have you owned up to YOUR part in this?

It always takes two....obviously there was some need he had that you weren't providing in the relationship...so he sought it elsewhere, sure he should have told you...maybe he did and you wouldn't hear him...likewise, YOU should have asked him.....you know, COMMUNICATE with each other...

These forums are full of women not hearing men and men not asking for their needs to be met.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 42
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/30/2011 12:10:09 AM
^^^ True.. When a person emotionally checks out of a relationship it's usually because they are not getting what they need at home. Maybe you should ask yourself why he felt he had to rely on his work partner for his emotional support..

Being a paramedic myself it's very important that my husband is open to listening to me "unload" every now and again, otherwise i would have to find another outlet to debrief some of the work i do.. And i'm not saying what your husband did was right (i wasn't there so i can't say) but we DO have a unique relationship with our work partners... We have to have.. We do a lot of sh1t together and need to support each other.. I am very glad my husband doesn't make me feel bad about that or i might feel unsupported as well...
 CynM
Joined: 7/11/2011
Msg: 43
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/30/2011 5:39:44 AM
I fail to see how her ex is:
- emotionally distant
- abusive
- playing her
- stringing her along
- failing to give her closure
- cheating
- or any of the other things OP or other posters have labeled him

THEY'RE DIVORCED. AND HAVE BEEN FOR 3 YEARS

He gave her closure 3 yrs ago. He stopped cheating (emotionally or physically) 3 yrs ago. He is not stringing her along by not answering her texts - he's not doing anything; she's doing it to herself. He can date or not date - and so can she. He can answer her or not answer her. He is a free man and owes her nothing.

That he is "finding himeself" is a red herring. Doesnt matter why he's not answering or not interested. He owes her nothing. He does not have to coordinate his movements, thoughts, or actions (or inactions) with her. THEY'RE DIVORCED.

Just for a moment take out the fact that they were once married and you have classic stalker - she won't leave him alone and he wants nothing to do with her.

OP, you need professional help. And as other posters have suggested, get off POF until you have 'closure'. Until then you're just another example of excessive baggage.
 maryjay51
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 44
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/30/2011 5:49:09 AM
scor you need to listen to yourself on here. i mean really... listen to yourself answering your own questions too. why would anyone call the way that man treats you, 'love'. if you think that is love then you need to talk to someone to help you straighten your head out. i was with someone 11 years. when he was turning 40 he was 'trying to figure his life out'too.. i let him figure it out..BY HIMSELF.. whoohoo im freeeee now and do not regret getting rid of him one bit. in my opinion your ex has no kahunas to tell you the truth. he is lying to you because he can and you let him lie to you. learn to love yourself first and then some day you will meet someone who loves you the way you deserve.
 viper1j
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 45
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/30/2011 8:56:16 AM

I still love him but he just won't ever own up to his actions of what brought us here. I am a forgiver but he holds everything in silence and willing to lose me forever. Should I just move on? What is his silence deal? I know he is miserable.


WTF? This is the second one today where the dumper feels bad..

Go figure..


he is different that way. He acts like I left and ruined the marriage.


News Flash! you did leave! Remember saying this?


I left after a year and a half of feeling so alone. this was after 18 years of marriage.


Did you want him to do a VanGogh and mail you his severed ear? Of course he deals with it in silence, because when men cry, nobody hears us.

You did your damage, leave him alone.
 Tervis
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 46
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/30/2011 9:16:05 PM
Did I miss something OP left him after an 18 year marriage? Well if that is the case I can understand his behavior. Ive had people call after 2, 3 or even 5 years later. If they do not say something mean I won't block their calls, but I would not inclined to answer or even call back either.

Re-read

Then again it does say he was cheating on her, but I don't know if that is true or not since I do not know scor personally. I have never cheated on anyone, but have been have been dumped/left for for that reason a few times; nothing I could ever say would make a difference either. It hurts being dumped for something you did not do, or even thought about doing for that matter. So I cannot even make up my mind on this one at all now.

Wait hold on either way she should either leave him alone or she should leave anyway either he is not interested or she is bothering him it's kind of a lose lose. She thinks he is sad maybe, like she thought he was cheating. I guess I would have to know his point of view on all of this.
 cindy-estancia
Joined: 2/16/2008
Msg: 47
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/30/2011 9:29:46 PM
if he still loves you , then he will be there ,
move on ..before you regret wasting your time .goodluck to you
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 48
how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/30/2011 9:48:34 PM
Nothing to offer you. Take him back or move on, your choice.

There really isn't anything to "Figure out". There are no "Actions" to own up to.

He got bored being married to you. This happens a lot with couples married more then 12 to 15 years.
Someone "New" offered excitement , he bit.

If you're such a forgiver, take him back.
But I can assure you , he will probably do this again if whatever was the initial reason isn't addressed.
He may not want to tell you because the reason is probably you.
 scor01
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 49
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/31/2011 1:05:44 PM
oh my hell---- thankyou for your post..... now that makes sense. I love the replys... cuz I want a real man...... gonna get it one day. Thankyou
 scor01
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 50
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how do I know when to walk away? I cant make sense.
Posted: 8/31/2011 1:14:54 PM
really ? do you sleep with your partners you work with? cuz if you do he might have a problem with it.......
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