| | Am I in denial or just a bad person?Page 2 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | Hi StarCAGirl! I guess it is just a matter of learning from your mistakes at this time. You cannot go back on what has occurred however; with good reflection you may be able to do things a little differently when the next person comes. For example, discuss if you both stay on POF once you feel comfortable with each other. Communicate your concerns if you believe your partner is playing up on you. Try and be more assertive in a relationship as it sets boundaries and builds confidence. Melannie1. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/18/2011 11:06:58 PM | to the OP ...
Some may think you are wrong to have snooped, but if you were in a commited realtionship then of course you wanted answers. It WAS WRONG to text the bimbo on the other end, it must have been entertaining, but wrong all the same. Thats just dropping yourself right back into the high school hallways.
You are in mourning right now, your heart and ego took a hit but think seriously about the person you lost. A LIAR, A CHEATER, A DECPETIVE AND ANGRY and childish man prone to tantrums and hissy fits. To me, thats a****ail for disater one day if you had stayed with him. Be happy you are done with it, and dont spend too much time being sad about a person like this.
Just focus on being happy and living your best life. Yes you got dumped BADLY but you didnt get dumped by an amazing man you got dumped by an AHOLE so dry your eyes, throw out the tissue box, and go out and find a WINNER not a loser ok? | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 2:49:25 AM | You suspected something was wrong and you decided to investigate. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion. If he hadn't been lying/cheating nothing would have come of it.
Can't turn love off like a light switch. You will miss him, you will also get over it and hopefully find someone more suited to you.
Some may not agree with what you did but it left no doubt in your mind what he was up to. That's what you needed to know. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:22:36 AM | I know I did the wrong thing Mr. MaleMan999. I said I feel bad. I really do. But, yeah he could of looked in my phone, my wallet any where I never had anything to hide.
No, my church doesn't teach me it is ok to hurt or seek revenge. I feel bad about the everything I did. I am not perfect. I will pay for my sins I am no angel and I never claimed to be.
I was married for 20 years up until 3 years ago. I never went thru my husbands wallet, phone or any of his personal things. But, I trusted him I knew he did not want anyone else.
I am ashamed of myself. I should have just brushed off the relationship instead of playing child games. I am not bragging by any means.
I am glad to see that compassion and forgiveness is in your vocabulary. Nice to kick someone when they are down, I guess it makes you feel better.
I am sure I pushed him away. I am a jealous fool. I suffer from depression and who could really put up with that? Not a shellfish crumb, for sure. I played a big part. Would have, should have and/or could have. I apologized 55 times believe me. I am suffering because I did what I did. I never did it before and I will never make that mistake again. I have learned my lesson about a lot of things I did or didn't do.
Thanks for your input. Believe me when I say, I feel really bad. 
Thanks again  | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:28:35 AM |
I did/maybe still do love him.
He is a shellfish bas*** crumb of a person.
Drama drama drama drama. Blah blah blah blah. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 6:20:28 AM |
He was my Valentine and I was his
What else do you want to know?
Did you or did you not have the exclusive conversation? | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:06:45 AM | wow you are a very beautiful woman. i dunno why he would hit on other girls if he already has a beautiful girl like you. but i dunno maybe something about both your personalities/attitudes not being compatible or whatever.
all i can say is that you are too beautiful for this guy. the nerve of him to shout, scream, and yell at you! that is uncalled for! don't ever look back! and you are NOT bad for looking at his phone. this guy should have his ass whooped by gangbangers to the hardest core.
the nerve of him to play the victim. dump him and drop him like a bad habit. he is an ***hole. you are too good for that. it's definitely his lost not yours. what a skank of a man. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:11:07 AM |
Am I really that bad for looking in his phone or what?
No. I'd have done it. However, I wouldn't be ambivalent about ending it. I'd end it immediately without looking back. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:14:04 AM | While I will never be able to condone the game playing and texting the other ladies on his phone, the fact is he was cheating and was caught.
The more dignified approach would have been to discuss and admit that the calls, texts and frequency on this web site bothered you. Allowing him to either choose to end the behavior or walk away from your relationship knowing you were not going to put up with disrespect.
Consider it a lesson learned. You look for garbage you usually find garbage. He had been lying to you all along. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 7:32:08 AM |
I'd end it immediately without looking back.
Same here. I don't understand why you're beating yourself up over this.
You had a feeling he was cheating and you were right. Trust your instincts next time.
That's the only lesson to be learned, IMO. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 9:02:25 AM |
wow you are a very beautiful woman. i dunno why he would hit on other girls if he already has a beautiful girl like you. but i dunno maybe something about both your personalities/attitudes not being compatible or whatever.
Women seem to assume that cheating has to do with replacing or finding something better. It really doesnt. It has more to do with pursuing and obtaining. Let's face it, to some, it is a game.
Regarding OP's snooping. It isnt right. however you suspected and went out to prove it. How many here are going to say they wouldnt do it if they strongly suspect a gf or bf cheating. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 10:07:07 AM | Any man that wants to get married within 9 months of dating is as Red Flag. He was at your house most of the time, is he homeless why didn't you go to his house?
Fist off trust is a big one and I nver snoop. I alwats go by my gut and it has not failed me. Sorry to hear you fell in love with a player. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 10:21:03 AM |
Women seem to assume that cheating has to do with replacing or finding something better. It really doesnt. It has more to do with pursuing and obtaining. Let's face it, to some, it is a game.
If you had read the many threads about that topic then you would realize that most times cheating and cheaters are the result of that whole "the grass is greener" issue.
It is or at least has been stated many times in these forums as people not wanting to be alone and even if they are with someone that there is something missing from their lives that they look elsewhere for.
People that do not like to be alone will often times fit into that scenario. They will attempt to find a replacement before giving up the one that they have.
There was something i read somewhere that asked people on their second marriages and most of the people on their second marriage said that they KNEW their new spouse before they divorced.
Over the years this topic has been discussed on these forums as well and many people have stated that they often times keep looking even after they find someone.
The trouble in my opinion is that when you have been single for a very long time and/or you have had bad relationships in your past that you will look for perfection in the future.
It is that whole "want it all" mentality.
Just look through these threads here for any length of time and you can see it over and over repeating.
The constant advice that you can not change a person. The constant advice that the person better be exactly what you want or it will never work. The constant advice that if things are not working out right from the beginning then the viable solution is to dump everything and start over.
IMHO That is wrong. That is NOT what a relationship is in any way, shape, or form.
Just look at the word relationship. What does it imply?
The simple word relationship does not imply that there is 2 separate entities traveling through life in the same direction but on different paths.
The word relationship implies an interaction happening between the 2 entities that CAUSES the direction.
Look at a double helix. Is it 2 separate but equally spaced lines traveling in the same direction? No it is not. It is a twisting winding path of interaction that is NOT a strait line.
Life is fluid. Life is ever changing. Life depends on chemical interactions. What is a single chemical alone in the beaker of life is nothing but a chemical stored on the shelf of life.
When 2 different chemicals are pored into the same container however it causes a reaction. It is no longer 2 separate chemicals. A relationship forms at the molecular level that causes something new to result.
Each different chemical has a list of properties. Each different chemical has a different optimum.
Example.... Water and oil do not mix well together. The oil will float on top of the water.
There is no relationship happening. Each remains in its own form. Water is H2O
It is a relationship. Hydrogen and oxygen were dating and now travel through life in the form of water. The hydrogen is the one directing the path traveled.
Life is not equal in that beaker but it works very well as a relationship.
The same couple but totally equal is H2O2. That relationship ALSO works. but instead of traveling through life as water they are now as a couple traveling through life as Hydrogen peroxide (H2O2)
The hydrogen is still the director of the path of the relationship so it still works and is stable.
Then you have your scenario. H2O3 It is still possible to work as a relationship however it is unstable and it results in a reaction that causes things to split off from the relationship which changes what it once was which was H2O2 into just simply H2O with leftovers.
You then have to continue dumping more of yourself into the relationship beaker just to try to make it remain an equal relationship again. If then you try yet again to be higher than the equal the same reaction in the relationship will continue to happen.
Adding 1 in an attempt to control the relationship will result in a separation of 1 and a loss of another turning it back to water.
Did that make any sense to you?
It was just a complex way to explain that you lose some of your control and path direction in order to be in a relationship but also true is that you can never be anything but what you are without being in a relationship to begin with.
Just my opinions and observations | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 11:58:20 AM | I love it how when someone
has a bad feeling and looks for evidence
and finds it
She/he becomes the bad person
for looking!
Then the guilty part
acts like you put a spear through his eye
by looking on his phone
and amps the dramatics
for two weeks??
why even listen to that drama?
Is never a dude who was totally innocent
and did nothing wrong
the one who throws
the "How dare you looking in my phone" tantrum
The guiltier
the worse they try to make YOU feel
You did nothing wrong!
Except text that other woman
If you wanted to let her know
you could've just say that to her
instead of making her believe it was him texting
But, you were angry, hurt, etc.
Now why are you still thinking about this??
He is a slime bucket
just move on | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 1:52:36 PM | Move on the guys a jerk and he's going to cheat on you again in the future.
You went into the lions den and got bit. Now you're thinking about going back in it? Not the smartest idea.
Yeah he was mad because he got caught doing something wrong. He's trying to say you shouldn't have gone through his phone because he doesn't want to be the only who did something wrong.
If you haven't noticed now a days everyone is the "victim" no one wants to take responsibility and say I screwed up. They look for justification for their bad actions anyway they can. I think you need to just move on you're better off with out him. Find a guy who will respect you tell you the truth and so on. There plenty of em out there you're good looking ya wont have a problem finding another guy to replace him. The next guy wont hurt you either. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 2:18:21 PM | Right...wrong...In denial...exclusive...just dating...was I snooping???
Who the 'ell cares?
I hate it when people want to get hung up on words..."Did you have the EXCLUSIVE" TALK???
Why do we feel in this day and age that after dating 9 months,we would not expect or take for granted that this person wasn't telling you the truth"
You snooped because you had a "feeling" or intuition and you were "right"..
His response was a sign of quilt and wanting to turn the table.
Move on....If there is no trust you have nothing.
If you have nothing to hide...You hide nothing!!!
I can honestly say....After "seeing" or "dating" someone for 9 months or even if it was 1 month...my life is an open book! | |
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insito
| | Joined: 4/10/2011
Msg: 43 | |
| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 2:19:40 PM | I honestly believe you should not look at anyone's mobile without their permission, no excuses!, so don't do it...
But... he was not the right guy for you, without any doubt you deserve something better!!!! and please believe what I am saying... you do!!!!
It is difficult to recognise when someone does not feel the same for you, and this is the case, don't make yourself excuses... think about it! did you have the need to be on pof after meeting him?
Do you think if someone loves you, needs to "keep his friends" even if that could break or damage the relation ship he has with the most wonderful woman in the world!!!!!
NOOOOOO...
This is just my opinion.... please cheer up!!!! the one is somewhere thinking about you!!! | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 3:32:39 PM |
Am I really that bad for looking in his phone or what?
Yes. You'd be angry too if he went in your phone. Then the texting with one of the girls he's hitting on... that was just low.
You should have left him before, you should leave him now, you should apologize to him for violating his privacy. You should hope for an appology from him for the other girls he's been hitting on but thats his to make not you to demand or its meaningless.
He's not worth your love... and you're probably not the best choice for anyone to date for your total lack of respect towards someone elses privacy.
What I really think is... you should just stay with each other, two jerks dating reduces the number of single jerks out there for any of the decent people who are single and looking. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 3:33:46 PM |
As for all of the women here who say "You go girl. You did the right ting". How many women wouldn't mind a guy they are dating to snoop in their phone to see if they are cheating?
LOL.. if i were cheating..or whatever.. it would be LOGICAL for the man to look at My phone too..
Sorry.. this isn't about some bad woman invading someones privacy!
The fact is.. IF you feel something is wrong.. and go looking ..... You will always find.
He was playing.. and it was gonna end.. with or without that phone texting trickery!
Time to repair your life.. excommunicate that fool and look forward to finding a decent guy in the future. | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 3:52:59 PM | I know I did the wrong thing Mr. MaleMan999. I said I feel bad. I really do. But, yeah he could of looked in my phone, my wallet any where I never had anything to hide.
Nope. Stop that. No self-flagellation. Reread five-marie's post a thousand times, maybe print it in 20 point font and put it on your fridge. Heck, all of the posts that state:
Your instincts told you something was wrong and you confirmed it and you are free of a bad person. Well done. Brava.
As to the posts that assume I (or anyone) would be upset if someone looked through personal things if he suspected I was cheating? Ridiculous. A liar, sneak, user or manipulator deserves to be caught and the person they are mistreating deserves to be free of the mistreatment.
In my experience, the guilty are more far likely to act indignant and outraged than the innocent- it's just another phase of the con. People who are good and do good naturally feel shame when they do something wrong- they don't lash out or make excuses. They sincerely work to repair the harm they might have caused. | |
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Rett56
| | Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 47 | |
| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:21:21 PM | I am not a snooper....I feel it is demeaning. However I do listen to gut feelings and usually if you take off the blinders and give them some rope....they will hang themselves. Sometimes you have to step back to get the clear perspective of a situation.
Communication certainly would have been a good idea but now it is something from the past.
Are you a a bad person? Poor choices don't make a person bad. You learn and move on. As far as missing what you thought you had....it was a delusion. Forget it.
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:26:57 PM | Trust and honesty are two of the major building blocks in any relationship. Once the foundation gets washed away, the relationship will crumble.
Im sorry you had such a bad experience, truly - you seem like such a nice person:) | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 4:58:43 PM | | There is a difference between privacy and secrecy and he crossed that line into secrecy. The overreaction on his part was a classic sign of guilt. I went through the same thing with my last ex. I should have not ignored the red flags that occurred a few months into an on and off 5 year relationship. The very last time I confronted her about something suspicious, she assaulted me after she gave me 3 different stories and I did not buy any of them. Transparency in relationships is so important nowadays. No secrets! | |
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| Am I in denial or just a bad person?
Posted: 9/19/2011 5:14:54 PM | OP, I think you love the drama. I don't think you are a bad person, but I do think you would not be happy with someone who is not into drama too. You shouldn't try to go for the nice guys if it not what you want.
The drama is the glue that makes you stick with him. You like him, you want him so go back out with him. | |
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