| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 2:19:54 PM | | pinball Cheating is a breaking of the marriage vows in the first place. You made a promise and broke it. I can forgiveness for many other things and I do believe in marriage but that's not forgiveable to me. I never had that problem but if I had no doubt that would have ended the marriage for me, no questions asked. You broke your vows therefore the marriage is broken. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 2:56:49 PM | I don't think cheating has to always mean the end of a marriage. If both are strong enough to try and find out why it happened and how to keep it from happening again.
As to any other type of relationship, I am not sure many would be strong enough to survive. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 3:40:21 PM | bucsgirl, you are partly right. Amarried person who cheats breaks their vows, but a vow is much "stronger" than a promise. Normally you would take a person at their word, then comes a promise, then an oath,...then VOWS. It would take a very forgiving heart to stay with a cheater, thats for sure, but only a big heart would forgive in the first place. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 4:52:10 PM |
I don't think cheating has to always mean the end of a marriage. If both are strong enough to try and find out why it happened and how to keep it from happening again.
Agreed, be it a marriage or a relationship outside the bounds of marriage, be it physical or emotional, cheating is cheating. My case was that my ex returned from overseas and broke up with me at the airport because while there, she met her ex and realized she still loved him and wanted to rekindle their past relationship, hence she thought it was unfair to both of us.
Although in the true sense of the OP, does my case fit because she preempted me on dissolving the relationship? Well, lets just say I didn't abandon her after the airport. I did though, with her, try to understand the why's even though they were rather apparent, and in any event, what can you say, they had to be forgivable. No one wants to stay romantically involved if romantic love doesn't exist in both directions.
By the fact that we tried again was enough that I forgave the actions, although there were moments of anger, but I can only attribute those moments to my own selfishness for wanting the relationship to continue during our break.
The key, is to forgive the actions, for only through that, can you let go of the need for justice and vindication, thereby allowing you to move on. A tough thought to put in action, but one that may work for some. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 4:58:28 PM |
No one wants to stay romantically involved if romantic love doesn't exist in both directions.
That is why I make a distiction between marriage and a relationship because the love between a husband and a wife is meant to be much deeper than mere romance. The romance is good even in marriage, but for a marriage to last it has to have a lot more than romantic love. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 5:00:23 PM | | pinball Just to clarify for the sake of my post vow and promise are synonymous. You promise to love, the word promise IS in the marriage vows. The vows are the words spoken, the promise is the action verb. I used them interchangeably. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 5:35:59 PM | | yes i did, my husband cheated on me. the way i found out was worse then the fact that he did it. he was on a "business trip" for about a week, when i was checking his email for the flight itenerary to see when he was coming in, so i could have dinner ready, when i notice 2 things , first someone had sent him pictures that were taken from a cell phone while he was on a "business trip", so i opend it and what did i see? i saw a girl giving BJ, so at first i thought to myself , maybe someone is sending him porn , as usual denial is the first act, but then i noticed that on his leg was the same birthmark my husband has, then i was getting stired up. and mind you since he was on the trip he only called me twice. so now i proceed to open the itenerary and her name was on it too. Now it was all confirmed to me that he was having an affair , and he took her to Puerto Rico. Anyway , to make a long story short he claims she was threatening him if he didnt continue the affair that she would tell me. blah blah blah, and taking her to PR was a to end it blah blah blah. i stay in the marriage since i dont want to ruine my kids life, and i dont forgive him fully, at least not yet, and i will NEVER forget. it killed me as a person, and i dont know if i can trust anymore, the way i did b4. life sucks, the end | |
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Gremmy
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Joined: 5/28/2005
Msg: 35 | |
| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 6:08:40 PM | | I have been cheated on by all but two women I was in a relationship with. The first time it happened I fogave her and took her back. She did it again, I forgave her and left her. I forgive them but never stayed with them afterward. I take cheating as an action of thiers saying they really don't want to be with me. To hold on to the pain in my opion is crazy so I let it go by forgiving them. Forgivness is not excusing thier actions in my eyes nor acepting the behaviour. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 6:55:03 PM |
I take cheating as an action of thiers saying they really don't want to be with me.
well that also depends on what level you're talking about. For my case it meant separating the romantic relationship and the friendship. We fought hard to remain the best of friends which of course didn't mean she didn't want to be with me totally, anyway the story is far too complicated to wirte about. For my case, cheating doesn't mean they don't want to be with you. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 7:07:23 PM | when i was 17 i met my first husband...he was 27...and it was love at first sight, instantaneous combustion of the body, mind and spirit...we were inseparable............and after a year i found him cheating....i did what i had heard all my life to do........drop tha jerk!.....and i missed him like a vital part of me was suddenly gone..........he went to california..but kept callin and sendin flowers.......and yep, he also sent me tha plane ticket that had us reunited and off to tahoe to get married..........and a year later, i flew home alone and pregnant cause he was cheatin again.......he followed me....we got together again..and when our son was born, i looked up to see him kissing tha nurse .........he didnt mean anything...its just who he was and how he was made....in his heart he truly loved me and always came back to me..........
i did leave him and divorce him eventually, but this man remained tha greatest love of my life....and while some of you may not agree with me on this....i dont think he was a jerk...he was a wonderful man who like many men, dont have a problem separating sex from love.....in fact i know his problem was connecting the two  but my youth and inability to recognize this about him BEFORE i married him and to understand tha issues i would have with him DO NOT make him bad...........
so, i think ppl need to take some responsibilty sometimes for what they overlook when going into a relationship.......instead of just blamin the other person of bein a cheat.......you can bet i have been upfront tha rest of my life about this before i go into a relationship........and if a person tells me that they have a problem promising fidelity........then i know not to go there .............but it is something i clarify first.......... | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 7:14:27 PM | | Bucsgirl, I don't mean to dispute what you say, I am only saying that anyone can make a promise to anyone...but a vow has God as a witness, therefore vow and promise are not interchangable. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 7:21:22 PM | | Secrets4life, I feel sorry for you. Cheating always seems to happen to the nice ones. In your case, divorce might be the best solution because staying in a crappy relationship for the kids sake just doesn't work. There has to be trust and respect. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 7:30:34 PM | No, I will never forgive her, but I am going on with my life. Life doesnt' stop because of a failed relationship.
I believe (and always will) if you forgive a cheater while in a relationship orr marrige they will do it again. Forgiving them after is up to you. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 7:53:32 PM | | cheaters DO cheat.....over and over again...just as dogs bark because they are dogs....but instead of hating them for being what they are..........i think we need to be more accountable for just assuming we are in tha right for bein blind...........and here i am talkin to the ones who knew that they were datin a cheater and married him/her anyway............like i did........and then got all bent out of shape about it.........like i did............cuz he didnt conform to what i expected ..........as i continued to grow........i saw that he never tried to fool me in this respect so much as i refused to see it.......so even tho i was "the woman wronged" ....and as such was gonna give him tha ultimate gift of my forgiveness.........careful with THAT two-edged sword ( i beat tha poor man about tha head as i bestowed it )....but then i realized it wasnt really him i needed to forgive.......he had showed me he was a leopard sportin spots and i married him anyway...............it was me who needed to forgive myself...........for turnin a blind eye, for covering up truths i didnt want to face, and for not layin my expectations out there on tha line..........i just assumed he would feel tha same way i did about monagamy.............but cheaters cheat..........dogs bark........and when ya dont forgive, you only stunt yer own growth........... | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/24/2005 8:11:58 PM | I never to this day will forgive her, I just did the smart thing and forgot about her. I never stewed over it as it's all hindsight.
I went to pick my son up this weekend and it's been a very long time since I've spoken to her. It was strange as I looked in to her eyes for the first time in years and the look inside her said *I really ****ed up didn't I?*
Sad, sad, too bad! | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/25/2005 5:01:23 AM | dear pinballdoctor,
well the issue i have is tha he is an excellent father to my kids, and deep down inside he is a good person who made a mistake, and even if i did get divorced who said the next person will be any better? but that you for being concerned! | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/25/2005 3:49:26 PM | | You could forgive the person,but you cant forget what they done.also that doesnt mean you have to be with them just because you forgave them either.also that saying goes once a cheater always a cheater is true. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/25/2005 3:55:35 PM | | this is sorta related. I know a gal who gave away ALL of her Ray Charles CD's after she saw that he cheated on his wife a lot in the movie RAY | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/25/2005 4:01:40 PM | The wise man will not just question the act of cheating but also the reason for cheating...
To me if its something related to lonliness it may be workable. If someone just doesnt spend time that someone else needs, well if 2 people want each other enough can work it out,
BUT if someone cheats for cheatings sake well its questionable that if you are someone who seriously considers monogamy important, even consider the person ever again.
Its annoying however that people who get cheated on crawl back for more, become slaves to someone who is simply of less moral fibre simply because they dont have sense to know any better,
To me the value of a person is in their heart.
Whether its fighting (I have been set upon by 5 people and won) Whether its love, whether its playing the game of life, fact is its the size of the fight in the dog, if someone judges the one they love by any other terms than what they are as an individual, well then the person who is using other milesticks I feel truly sorry for , because they will live a shallow life, and die a pointless death... | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/25/2005 9:26:50 PM | hmmm......."the reason for cheating?....well madjamsy, i know that dogs bark for backup... and speakin only from my own experience, i would say that my husband cheated because he viewed fidelity in a different light than i did.........this did not make tha man shallow........we merely had different viewpoints.......
.....regrettable and painful as that experience was for me..........after readin so many of the posts about this......i can appreciate how it helped me to grow.........i dont condone cheating...i suffered because of it too much for that.........but on tha other hand, i also dont condone the hating and tha judging done by the "victims"...............
when ya got lemons.....find someone with vodka and party or make lemonade.....dont fall to tha ground and rot in yer own bitter juice........... | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/25/2005 9:31:00 PM | | this is one of those spots where i do not fit the norm, as i understand that people let themselves get into spots where they can do nothing but give in...I forgave my ex for her cheating, but, i hold her resposible for lyining abut the infidelity...Sometimes, sex is just sex | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 8:57:02 AM | | After being cheated on so many times by the same person, I think it's best to forgive and walk away. I don't wanna live my life doubting or wondering if he's not being faithful. I know there are many other men out there who will respect me more than that. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 10:06:31 AM | I would rather drink fresh steamy baby vomit than forgive a cheater. No matter what anyone says. You will never get rid of that little voice that goes off in the back of your head right after the cheater says "I'm running to the gym. I'll be back."
That is just me though, I am strong enough to walk a straight line and that is what I am looking for "And I think I found". My morals and ethics won't allow me to do it. If I understand it correctly.... people are looking for people with good morals and ethics right? So to lower your standards and accept someone that you won't know if your getting sloppy seconds or not is your decision. | |
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