canali
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Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 51 | |
| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 10:21:45 AM | I've been fortunate: I've never cheated and I've (not to my knowledge anyway) been cheated on....I am not to here to judge a cheater....I mean the nuances of each relationship are so unique....for example, to have a spouse who's lost that loving feeling and no longer gives you attention and/or meet your needs (despite you wanting counselling but they refuse) and you come across someone who's there for you and will give you these things (I've read alot of such stories)...that gets into such a gray area of accountability...then one finds out, and has a shocking wake up call and through therapy they are able to get back together and make a better go of it.
Luckily I've not been placed in this situation and hope for the love of God I will never be, either.
but for those cheaters who are merely selfish, never really commit to another (I feel cheaters are just so shallow as per never fully opening up their heart to another person 150% towards giving intimacy a chance...just my thoughts) and instead wish to have their cake and eat it too, when at home they overall do have a good relationship, well a BIG  .
the term toilet scum is too nice a term for them, IMO. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 10:39:35 AM | I'm really very curious about this forgiveness thing.
Forgive a cheating spouse??? I don't think it's honestly possible.
My ex-wife cheated multiple times, but I know now that I never forgave her. I just convinced myself that I could deal with it if it never happened again. Then, when it happened again, I convinced myself that I could deal with it if it never happened again. Finally, the last time was the last time and I told myself that I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I haven't forgiven her because, what she did was destroy the lives and happiness of two beautiful children that didn't deserve it. I've accepted the fact that she is the way she is and I don't take it personally because I believe she would have done it to anyone and will more than likely do it to the guy she's with now. Still, I haven't forgiven her and I don't think I ever will. It's been long enough now. If I were able to or understood how you could forgive someone for such a crime, I think I would have.
Maybe I'm just a bad person, but I don't see the point in trying to do good by a person that you have absolutely no respect for. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 12:53:08 PM | I think people are far too quick to leave someone for cheating. I can understand if it happens over and over again without end.
I have never cheated on someone and never will, but it does happen. If it happens once, and the other person has true regret, and you feel they won't do it again, then yes of course forgive them.
We are all human and as such we do some very stupid things. If I ever get married again, and my husband cheated, yes of course I would hate it, and it would hurt like hell, but is a one time cheating incident really worth breaking up a family over? I think not.
I think a lot of the problem is that so many just see marriage as yet another relationship when in fact each marriage represents another family. If everyone thought that way there would be a lot less divorces. Ending a relationship isn't a big deal. Ending a family is a huge deal.
Yes of course there are times when you just can't stay married, but people are just too quick to walk away when the going gets a bit rough. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:04:26 PM | I tried to forgive him for cheating. It's not easy when the image of him inside another woman is forever etched in your mind.... yes I caught him in the act. (I was five months pregnant with our daughter too).
When he continued to disappear for days on end with no phone call that he is alive and well... when he did come home it was always at 4 or 5 in the morning claiming he was "at a friends" house.. it became a little too disconcerting for me.
In essence it consumed me and I became a controlling b!tch who had in the end attempted to treat him as a 12 year old (as in my mind he was acting as such). I became someone I'm not... and I was someone I hated to be.
I have learned through this experience that once trust is gone in the relationship there is no relationship to be had. It's not worth your mental or emotional sanity to even try and salvage what was there.
I can't fathom what it takes for individuals to go through when the cheating happened to bring to light a deeper issue in the relationship. Good on them for being able to forgive. I can't ever go through life always wondering if they will cheat again and when they would cheat. I mean how long are things going good since it happened when all it takes is a bit of stress in the relationship, then your SO walks out to avoid confrontation and then you begin to wonder where they went and OMG who are they fvcking????
Get rid of all the self blame and the anger... move on with your life. Cheating is one of those things that has no reason, excuse or justification. It's something that just is in some relationships. Living a stressfree and secure life.. secure in yourself and any relationship you are in is way better than continuing the self and inflicted on your SO abuse.
Umm.. thanx O-T-B for looking at this another way.
EDIT: I guess one can always forgive.. it's not as easy to forget. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:07:36 PM | Well, not a spouse but an SO of 4.5 yrs. 1.5 years into the relationship, I found out he cheated....I forgave him and we remained together. We had 4 children between us, although none together, we were a family and our lives were intertwined in every aspect. 3 yrs later, he did it again...I forgave him but I ended the relationship. I felt like an idiot for trusting him, only to have him do it again. Can't say I would not forgive if it happened with someone else in the future, but I know a second chance would be out of the question. I believe in forgivness, because it is just too much of a burden on the heart to carry so much bitterness and pain around for a lifetime.
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:08:56 PM | I was cheated on once, caught her in the shower with another guy. I have never experienced such anger, though I was somehow able to control it still...I didn't break up with her right away. I stayed with her for about 3 months. I didn't talk with her for about a month, I knew if I did I would say hurtful things to her because I was hurt. We hung out a few times the next month and a bit more the 3rd month. I couldn't be intimate with her, I still treated her well though, I am a gentleman. It wasn't until my head cleared and I was no longer angry that I broke up with her. Any decision I ever made about my relationship comes from a level head, not a reaction.
How could I have stayed with her after she cheated on me? Because I forgave her. It creates such a bitter ugliness inside when you carry with you hateful or resentful feelings. It's what Karma is truly about. If I did not understand things the way I did, I would let those feelings come with me into every new relationship and it would probably make it harder for me to trust, and therefore harder to open up to my newfound friend. But obviously just because I forgive someone doesn't mean that I have to stay with them. Her punishment is that she now has to find someone to replace me. And I guaruntee you, no one would treat her better. Which is unfortunate, she deserves that kind of happiness too. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:17:52 PM | I have NEVER cheated on a man.
During my pregnancy, which was difficult, and very uncomfortable, my ex husband told me that if I didn't, you know "perfom, he'd find it elsewhere!"
I don't know why a person cheats? | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:19:52 PM | my x had cheated once and only the one time. i forgave him but never forgot it. i always warned him he ever cheated he was gone. i did throw him out..but circumstances and total hurt.. confussion etc. i decided to try to make my marriage work,.
we stayed together for another 8yrs. but would i ever do it again,..nope...i did what i had to back then for my kids and thier security. now they are secure...and i got my own self worth back.
its was devastating and living with non trust was not worth the self destruction i put myself through. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:43:34 PM | i dont think u can forgive...... i think i tried to forget but never forgive. But there was a whole lot of sex going on in my marriage just to bad i wasnt a part of it... he was to wore out when he got home...lol sorry i have to make light of it now cuz im seperated and it all comes down to the disgusting things he did in our marriage... I truly beleive once a cheater always a cheater because u can never trust again like never even if u try hard its just not there. Its was like they did the deed but u beat yourself up about it so you are the one that feels bad in the end always questioning yourself .... as to why they did it. Whether u coudl have stopped it by doing something different but they are going to do it no matter what......So once someone cheats just leave there not worth keeping  | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 1:44:05 PM | | Yes, I did and have. The pain is still there, but no longer controls me. My kids are much better off for it, no longer have the anxiety when their Moms name comes up and I noticed they are better able to have a relationship with her, with out feeling my anxiety. It is something you have to do. Now saying that, will never let her come back again,(I did twice) in my case will never go through that again, but I have forgiven. This is a must I think. Met a nice lady a year ago, couldn`t handle her hatred towards her ex though, I am not like that, and it really dampened my enthusiasm, so to speak. Much better to accept it happened to you, then forgive. Clears your mind, so you can think with clarity. You are much better off in the long run to forgive them ( dont have to take them back). With time you will see, and they will, that they are no farther ahead. In fact, almost every relationship I have seen, that started with cheating, has a high stress factor to it. She/ he, cheated with me, they must be cheating on me, kinda thing. Good luck, thanks, Richard | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 3:22:08 PM | It's nice to see a thread on cheating and forgiving. I have heard people say it would hurt them less if their partner left them than if their partner cheated. For the life of me I can't understand that.
Talking about a one-night-stand type of affair if one truly regretted the incident and wanted to make the relationship work why wouldn't their partner want to try? At least there is hope. When the person leaves all hope is gone. Besides that, what do they think their partner is going to do? If it bothered them so much that their partner had sex with someone else don't they realize the person is going to have sex with someone else when they leave? How deep is a person's love when they don't want to forgive their partner for a one time occurrence?
How can their partner's leaving hurt less? Regardless of how a person looks at an affair, saying their partner didn't love them or didn't think about them or didn't care, what does leaving say; "I love you but I don't want you in my life?" "I love you but I don't want to see you or be with you anymore?" Can someone expain to me how that is better than if the person says they're sorry and they want to still be with you? | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 4:11:13 PM | To dave1234.....I would have rather mine left than cheat....it was quite a painful betrayal of trust. I would never dream of cheating on anyone that I was in a committed relationship with....PERIOD. I expect the same from someone who says they love and want to be with me.
How can their partner's leaving hurt less? Regardless of how a person looks at an affair, saying their partner didn't love them or didn't think about them or didn't care, what does leaving say; "I love you but I don't want you in my life?" "I love you but I don't want to see you or be with you anymore?" Can someone expain to me how that is better than if the person says they're sorry and they want to still be with you?
It would have shown me that he loved me enough to respect the committment we made to each other. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 5:07:09 PM | | I forgave, four times, well four times that I know of, and then I kept going back to him after that... My mistake. Now I'm more cautious than ever. I feel bad for the men that I even consider dating bc I know that he will have to pay for some of the sh*t I went through. It's not like I try to give men a hard time, but I found out that a new friend was married and just had a kid and I flipped out on him, started crying and everything bc all that trust that I had for him was lost in an instant just bc of the things that I went trough with the ex. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 5:16:18 PM | | If you don't forgive, you taint whatever good years you had and it eats you up. If you don't try a 2nd time if the opportunity is there, you don't love deeply enough and haven't truly forgiven. I never thought I would do either of those things, but then when reality hit I had to get real with myself too. I forgave immediately. The opportunity to try again, however, never presented, such is life. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 5:46:41 PM |
(Msg 63) It would have shown me that he loved me enough to respect the committment we made to each other.
But wasn't a commitment made to spend the rest of your lives together? I guess what I'm asking is why do people put more emphasis on the fidelity commitment than on the lifetime commitment. The one time affair means the person broke a commitment for a period of hours (more like minutes) while leaving means they are breaking the commitment forever. I just can't see how someone leaving and spending their life with someone else shows they love you.
(Msg 65) If you don't try a 2nd time if the opportunity is there, you don't love deeply enough and haven't truly forgiven.
That's how I see it. I suppose the folks that have forgiven and resumed their life are not on here so it's difficult to get a balanced response. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/19/2006 5:59:23 PM | But wasn't a commitment made to spend the rest of your lives together? I guess what I'm asking is why do people put more emphasis on the fidelity commitment than on the lifetime commitment. The one time affair means the person broke a commitment for a period of hours (more like minutes) while leaving means they are breaking the commitment forever. I just can't see how someone leaving and spending their life with someone else shows they love you.
Well, mine was not one time. I forgave him and stayed with him.....he did it again 3 yrs later.
I just know after the experience...I probably won't be giving any 2nd chances, and I will make that clear somehow, if I choose to be in a committed relationship in the future.
dave...have you ever been cheated on? Just curious. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/20/2006 1:56:04 AM | | Taking someone back after they cheated, is a very difficult decision. At the time, I thought that "love is unconditional", as well, and did allow her back. With hind sight, though, I was wrong. Love is also blind, .you dont always see that some people are just plain selfish, self centred and not able to fight off temptation. They say the endorphins , caused by the excitement of an illicit affair causes great excitement. The other spouse, probably worried, anxious, as they become aware of something going on. Can never compete with that. So people with out self control, will probably seek another affair down the road. Forgive them, for your own self, and forget them. They will cheat again, 9 times out of 10. Thanks, Richard | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:57:44 AM | Forgiveness is something you do for your own self and peace of mind, not for the cheater. It's an act of self-love, so that the pain doesn't literally eat you up inside. It's a process. Sometimes, you may have to forgive over and over for the same incident, whether or not you stay with the person who cheated.
To me, life is too short to waste it on someone who is not just as committed to me as I am to them. Once the sacred trust is broken, the relationship will never be the same, again. Cheating = end of the relationship to me.
So, in answer to your questions, O-T-B (Msg 1), I forgave and walked away. I felt that I had no other choice. True colors glowed all the brighter during attempted "reconciliations," to no avail, due to all the deceit which bred insecurity, distrust, suspicion, blah, blah, blah. I had to turn it over to God, asking for strength. It took a lot of prayer and love from friends and family, as well. I do thank God that is now in the past and no longer presently in my face, anymore.
Live and learn.
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/13/2008 4:25:12 PM | | My so called bf...was staying out all night for a week saying he was sleeping in his car....(bullcoughshit) I got so sick of it, but he wouldnt let me dump him. He said he would find where I was living and move in. Nut job yes.....so I told him that I cheated on him, hoping he would move out...well nope he didnt. Instead he tells me that he doesnt care and loves me and doesnt want to loose me. So, thinking that I am stuck in the stupid relationship i forget about it and move on to see what happens...well what happened is he went out and slept with someone. NOW I dont want anything to do with him, but he blames me by saying that I cheated on him and he did it out of payback. I cant forget or forgive him and hes still having secret conversations with girls, one I made to show him he cant be faithful. So Here a question for you!!!! How in gods name do you dump someone that wont let you dump them? Hes Hott, but thats all hes got going for him in my eyes.....ok people tell me how pathetic I am! | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/13/2008 4:38:54 PM | pretty damn pathetic
to open a dead 3+ year old thread
openly saying its for those .... who forgive .... cheaters
then ... like most of the previous pathetic people who don't understand what forgiving is ... go on about being unforgiving.
its sick.
the truth of forgiveness is ... you maintain trust
despite the cheating
some people you trust that they will cheat
relationships can be whatever you choose to make them out to be.
If some guy moves in on you and you don't want it ... get a restraining order
change the locks
stop cleaning and bathing
move out.
 to forgive is divine | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/13/2008 8:11:37 PM |
Posted By: nah112 on 7/22/2005 9  41 PM Subject: a thread for those who forgive cheaters Message: It's far more painful to carry around the hurt and anger that a cheater creates than it is to just let it go, move on with your life and realize it was more about where they were in their life and not really about you at all.
They did it once, they'll do it again. You want to be the next Hilary? | |
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Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 73 | |
| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 4:55:17 AM | | For me it's about honesty. If someone cheated on me, but was honest about it, there might stil be a chance to save the relationship under the right circumstancesand if it was worht saving. I believe in the 'forgive but never forget' philosophy. I can forgive a "mistake" but I will never forget a lie. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 7:13:03 AM | There is no such thing as being able to cheat on someone you love.
Once you realize that and how un-special you are in the eyes of a cheater, the only thing left to do is pick up rest of your dignity and move the hell on.
Yes, I've forgiven my then husband for his whoremongering among other things throughout four years of various abuse.
No, it did not get better. Quite contrary.
Never again.
Once I'm betrayed, I have no further obligations to stay around for more. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 9:26:00 AM | | It seems that people equate the behavior of their spouse with their own selfworth. My spouse had sex with someone else, therefore I am worth less? Makes no sense. Why do people allow others to control their "value of self"? | |
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