| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 10:38:21 AM | People cheat because their needs are not being met. I'd think that most people don't know the differences in men & women's needs...
The most important needs for women are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment. Those for men are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, admiration and domestic support. These needs are so strong that when they’re not met in a relationship or a marriage, people are tempted to go outside to satisfy them.
Once you understand the basic needs, you must become an expert on those things that support life and love. These include intimacy, communication, forgiveness, trust, giving and receiving, commitment and letting go. Make it a lifetime goal.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation that will endure over time & distance.
Finally you must set your boundaries & expectations early in a relationship. You must ask yourself three questions, 1) What can I do? 2) What can I read? 3) Who can I ask? Afterall the quality of your life depends on the quality of the questions you ask yourself.
I stayed in a relationship for 24 years until our children were well on their own before I said enough was enough. My ex-wife committed adultery every two years. I had no idea about the differences in needs, boundaries or expectations. So the lesson? You get what you tolerate. Do I hate her? No. Did I forgive her? Of course, she is the mother of our children & I love her as a fellow human being. I now understand the mental & physical abuses that she endured long before I'd met her. Our journeys were just not meant to be & we've moved on. I've come to realize too that we are all struggling with some sort of battle whether it be physical ailments, abuses of all sorts, limitations, etc.
Respect is given, trust is earned, once damaged, it takes a long time to regain trust. Only through love can anyone succeed. Our most painful experiences, once they are healed, become the greatest gifts to ourselves and to others. We construct either heaven or hell on earth, depending on what we give to our relationships. My philosophy is; there are two ways to look at life and the world. We can see the good or the bad, the beautiful or the ugly. Both are there, and what we focus on and choose to see. The choice is ultimately yours, I choose life... Always do an act of kindness, for you never know when it will be too late.
**~Remington55~** 
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 12:51:34 PM | If you're in a relationship that is equally giving, is a great friendship and partnership, you have a great bond and love both your own and his/her family as your own.. then I too cannot understand why one wouldn't forgive and forget one discretion. There are many people who have had infidelity occur in their relationships that have worked through it. Of course we aren't going to hear from any of them because they aren't contributing members of a singles site message board.
The thing is that both have to work through what caused the other to stray.. councelling is the best way to get to the "meat" of the matter. If the "strayer" is truly remorseful and the relationship has all the dynamics as mentioned in my first paragraph then, . . the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" need not be true. You cannot try to resume a relationship after infidelity has occurred without professional help.. It is just destined to contain the same elements that caused the straying in the first place. And one needs help with the trust issues etc.
Of course there are many people who will never be able to be monogamous.. they are indeed addicted to the endorphin rush of a new sexual partner and they will never change. It is then up to us to decern this and decide if this type of person is someone you can live with or not... such as in open marriages.
In any event... I do know of a couple of marriages that have been 2 and 3 decades long where infidelity was involved but they sought councelling, worked through the trust issues and stayed together ..until in one case the partner died.. the other they are still living a happy healthy and loving life together... They somehow knew that their love for each other was greater than the discretion.. In otherwords because they knew they still loved each other and the Vow "Until Death Do Us Part" made more sense to them. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 12:56:52 PM | | I am by nature a very forgiving person............people make mistakes and that is human. In my mind there is a big difference in forgiving and forgetting. Just because I can forgive you does not mean I can forget it. If someone were to cheat on me and they came clean and such I could forgive them..........but there would be no relationship. I accept that someone makes mistakes..........I have made some huge ones in my life, but to have the memory of that in my head there could be no relationship where my heart is given to that person. For even if he were not cheating I would always wonder when he was 20 minutes late what was he doing, who was he talking to and such. That is not fair to him nor myself so therefore even though I have forgiven the relationship would be over. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 1:00:48 PM | | I was willing to forgive my ex when he cheated on me, even though he denied he was cheating. Now I don't know if I'd be so willing to forgive. I think that if I were in a relationship and the other person chose to cheat on me then I'd just have to walk away. I've been in that position once, it caused a lot of pain, I don't want to go there again. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 1:04:19 PM |
People cheat because their needs are not being met. I'd think that most people don't know the differences in men & women's needs...
Ya it all looks good on paper but it has sweet dyck all to do with needs being met,
the only thing that drives people in to other peoples bed for a session of swapping guilt free bodily fluids no strings attached greasy monkey sex is pure simple self gratification,any one who says other wise is trying to sell you something. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 1:28:13 PM | the only thing that drives people in to other peoples bed for a session of swapping guilt free bodily fluids no strings attached greasy monkey sex is pure simple self gratification, If one was getting guilt free bodily fluids greasy monkey sex from thier SO.. then there would be no reason to seek others just for the sake of sex. Unless of course they were addicted to getting it from someone new every time it wasn't "new" anymore. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 1:33:13 PM | Yep, forgave her, she cheated again, tried to work out the issues and she cheated again then she left. Yep, forgave her, I don't trust her, but I do wish her a good life.
Funny, she used to wrag on her first who cheated on her.
You know, there is a whole lot of dishonesty going on. The whole subprime blowup is because of dishonesty.
I do not regret forgiving and I do not regret trying. I do regret that I struggle with trust issues, its not fair to others. I really have a hard time trying to meet people. Time will fix it.
I think it really comes down to people are different than we want them to be. We all have weaknesses. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/14/2008 11:38:39 PM | Yes I forgave someone who cheated. I don't believe that a sexual transgression is an automatic end to a relationship but rather a pretty strong sign that the relationship is in trouble. We are all human and people make mistakes.
I tend not to be all that jealous so I am sure that helped. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 4:23:08 AM | There's a difference in "forgiving" and "going back for more."
There's forgiving and moving on with your life without the cheater, and there's forgiving where you stay together, the cheater shows remorse and it never happens again, and then there's "forgiving" where you let the cheater come back, and they continue to cheat. The last example does not show "strength," it shows "WELCOME" across your forehead.
I have not been cheated on. But I do know that there are many ways to forgive someone. Forgiving someone does not mean that you will allow them to keep doing what they are doing, and you keep "forgiving" them. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 4:26:57 AM |
If one was getting guilt free bodily fluids greasy monkey sex from thier SO.. then there would be no reason to seek others just for the sake of sex
There are no reasons. There are only (bad) excuses. You are responsible for your own behavior, no one else "makes" you do anything. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 6:56:00 AM |
If one was getting guilt free bodily fluids greasy monkey sex from thier SO.. then there would be no reason to seek others just for the sake of sex
ahhhh,,,and they say romance is dead, bahh,! Bodily fluids and monkey sex does equal love in some peoples minds.....usually those with double digit IQ's.
we all know, those who are awake and realistic with themselves, why their 'others' choose to cheat....so there's no reason to try to explain it anymore.
So, without getting all 'woo woo' on this hackneyed subject, the bottom line, is to get on with your life, and to clear all of the stains of hate and resentment...one must forgive. Period. Otherwise, one will never move closer to unity and wholeness of self,
Once that is done, life can open up new possibilities for you. You don't have to forget, you don't have to remain friends and lovers with the cheater...you must forgive. Even if it is a private ceremony between you and you
Only then will you be able to witness a brand new day,,,,every day
Kimbo******************************* | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:20:30 AM |
you must forgive. Even if it is a private ceremony between you and you Yes, I agree with this and I'd like to add that one must also (and most importantly) acknowledge and forgive themselves for any breakdown in the union in order to achieve this:
one must forgive. Period. Otherwise, one will never move closer to unity and wholeness of self, Too many times when infidelity occurs in a union, the one being cheated on remains in "victim" mode rather than looking within for some of the answers. These people will/can never heal.
There are no reasons. There are only (bad) excuses. You are responsible for your own behavior, no one else "makes" you do anything. "Excuses" or "Reasons" all of us are subject to temptation, it's our choice to submit to the temptation or not.. however it is much easier to decline a temptation (no matter what that temptation may be) when what one is being tempted with is in full supply whether it be; intimacy, emotionally, or anyother need that is lacking. This is where we must look at ourselves.. to see and acknowledge where improvement was needed and then learn from it and forgive ourselves for not being all we could have been to our partner. Just saying he/she could have just said "no" is being naive ~ I think. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:41:06 AM | | once somebody cheats they will do it again.i refuse to hate them or forgive them.i just move on and in doing so i do not take this into another relationship.i was hurt bad by this women from dublin i do not hate hear she just showed me who she trluy was i am just glad i saw it this soon.so i move on and there are some great women on her i have met one .so move on you dont have to forgive just be healthy enough to move on and not blame the next person for what somebody else has done . | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 8:45:22 AM | When I was 19 I was in a serious relationship with a guy who cheated on me. I confronted him on the matter and he denied, denied, denied. I stayed with him for 3 years after that and our relationship never went back to the same as it was. The trust was gone and I was so angry for cheating on me and continuing to cheat on me that I started to cheat on him. Looking back on it now I realize how immature I was and that I should have just walked away. So although you have forgiven him you'll never forget what he's done and very rarely are people able to rebuild their relationships to where they once were.
Good luck to you  | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 9:13:35 AM | I was with a girl once and she was intimate with a ex-friend of mine outside my front door. She then came in, woke me up, did the deed and said " I just ****ed your friend outside, dont you feel used"
At the time I went numb, just rolled over and went to sleep, but after 2 months I forgave her. I actually have forgiven him too.
I dont ever want to forgive, but It seems like all the hurt in my life happens to another me and this allows me to forget and move on.
I dunno whether other people do the same, but Why ever this happens it certainly makes things easier. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:33:39 AM | Yes, I did forgive my ex the first he cheated on me. The second time, I didn't. I think there is the ability for some of us to forgive once, but not a second time. I hurt worse the second time than I did the first. To this day, I do not think he even comprehends what it took to do so either.
To those who can forgive a second time, my hats off to you. I can't. The second time ended our relationship. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 3:25:07 PM | I have a weird experience. I cared very much for a guy, then he told me he cheated on his wife that's why they were divorced. I could not forget that, so never really allowed the relationship to go forward. I just could not! Noone has ever cheated on me and I felt I just could not handle that.
So fast forward, she has forgiven him and they got back together again and remarried. And now it seems the wife is cheating. Jeez! Thank God I never got involved. He says maybe his wife seduced him to get even and now she has broken his heart.
Is this thing really happening to people who are supposedly in love with each other? How can one callously manipulate someone to fall for her/him, then just walk away leaving her/him with a broken heart?  | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 6:32:20 PM | Twenty years ago, I met and fell in love and lived with a cheater. I forgave him and it happened again and I forgave him and it happened again. I finally woke up and ended the relationship. Looking back on it now with time and many hours of therapy to build up self-esteem...lol...I know why I forgave.
At that moment, losing him would have hurt more than forgiving him. I took the easy way out and sacrificed my self-esteem and self-respect to avoid feeling hurt and betrayed.
I could forgive anyone anything because forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Would I stick around for the next time....nope. Anyone who has so little respect for my feelings and the committments of our relationship simply doesn't deserve me.
I don't cheat. I have never cheated. It is morally wrong to me to do such a thing. I look for someone who feels the same way about cheating that I do. Once a cheater...... | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:48:00 PM | I did and he cheated again. Never again. I've joined the ranks of cheat once - I'm gone.
People cheat because their needs are not being met.
This just isn't true. People cheat for a number of reasons.
Impulsivity
Lack of morals
Inability to imagine how it might hurt their partner
Hedonism
The rush | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:56:08 PM |
What does every one of these posters have in common? And almost without exception the cheater who was forgiven cheated again. It would be a cold day in hell if i stayed in a relationship with someone i knew had cheated on me. Forgive?? I don't know. I hope i never have to find out.. | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 9:32:26 PM | Like I said in an earlier post.. we're NOT going to hear from anyone who experienced infidelity in their relationship, sought councilling, worked it out and have lived a happy life together... because THEY ARE NOT MEMBERS OF A SINGLES DATING MESSAGE BOARD. All we're going to hear in this thread is from those that forgave, but ultimatley it didn't work out.
I wonder how many of those that forgave and tried to make it work actually went to councilling together to unearth the underlying reasons and to get advice on how to trust and be trustworthy??? | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 9:46:55 PM | Well...no, I've been cheated on
and I threw the guy she cheated on me with out the window
1st floor and burned his clothes
i told her i would leave her stuff outside in a bag.
and if she stayed around, I would throw her ass out the same window as him.
needless to say, she took her stuff, left and i haven't heard from her yet | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:03:23 PM | i have been cheated on a few times, and without going into the specifics, let's just say that the last time was the nuclear bomb of all cheating. it was the most hurtful horrible devestating experience. it literally took me oh...about a year before i'd let someone even just give me a HUG! it was crazy!
but guess what...i talk to the ex once in a while now. i forgave him. did i take him back? no. but i forgave him and meant it. once i forgave him i was able to start getting over it.
forgiveness is the key to healing. it is for you NOT for the person who wronged you. you have to forgive, but that doesn't mean you ahve to take them back or let them back inot your life.
remember, cheating is antisocial behavior.
lar | |
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| a thread for those who forgive cheaters
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:39:21 PM | well its wierd because. when i get drunk and high and some girl is flirting with me i will f uck her half the time or so on.i will or do feal bad about it and i do not want to get caught and i do not want to leave my old lady for the ho i just porked on accident.
but if my old lady cheats on me and i find out ,i will be in a murderous rage,
but after a while ,i will forgive her, it helps though because no man she is ever with again in her life will be the man i am in her life,i am not gods gift to women. and am not tooting my own horn here. its just . that like besides her dad. any woman i love. will never get rid of me compleatly kind of thing going on. .this has happend to me a few times,and i cant shake it. and i dont care to. there is room enough for it. they need it . and i am not some useless @sshole,what the hell else are they going to do. wait for some stupid looser and user to help them with there bull $hit.aint going to realy happen or work out rite.
when you realy need a dude i will be there.i realy loved you once.i can easyly half @ssed love you forever.$hit its half my fault one of us cheated on the other to begin with.
if i get caught though doing it. i will freak out,my whole comfortable world will collapse.. i will be in shambles trying to make everything better and like things were.
i will never stop loving her or you,no mater what..not like " in love" but regular love . even after years and years. i will be there. the feeling will not be as hot but i will still be a man in her life, when she needs me i will do what she needs.it will be just like anything . second nature or whatever they call that.no sweat.
I aint no punk and nobodys b itch. its just sometimes you have to man up suck it up and do the damn thing.nobodys perfect and life is short. we got to try not to harbor hate and grudges. and i aint talking about sex totaly i am talking about everything. like fixing leaks and changing oil. or anything a woman could use a man for and dont want to ask some other prick to do it.
you aint got to hate a woman forever. and if she has half a mind she should not hate you eather.some things come and go, you should strive to be a permanant mother f ucker in this world | |
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