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| | When to tell your date that you have a FWB?Page 33 of 34 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34) |
The answer isn't all that difficult though. You don't have to ask the other person whether they are in an FWB siuation directly, you simply have to ask them how they feel about FWB situations in general and simply state that you disapprove of them. This way the conversation will be about dating in general and not about their specific situation (which many people feel they have a right to hide).
If they lie about it, then they will be starting off on the wrong foot and when it comes out (as it always does), you won't be in the least bit torn when you kick them to the curb because they have tried to build a relationship with you in a dishonest fashion.
I discussed this issue with prospective dates during the e-mail stage to get a feel for their dating/sexual habits before meeting them---however, I didn't tell them right away that I disapproved of FWB situations because they'd be more apt to lie about it.
Instead, I remained neutral and waited until after they give me some kind of indication they thought a FWB situation was acceptable---at which point I told them I disapproved of FWB situations and didn't go forward with meeting them. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/6/2012 7:37:20 PM | I cannot see why you would need to tell a man you have just met about your FWB. We each have different needs and all have a history behind us.
If you are dating this man, then obviously you cannot continue the FWB as your only focus should be on the new man in your life. Until this decision is made, it is your business alone. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:17:05 PM | As much as I rarely agree with Abelien :) I agree with him on this.
I don't really care what you were doing up to the point where we met, unless it's illegal, but if we're feeling it and I'm going to have sex with a guy, he better not be getting some side action from his FWB girl. Guys are wired differently than women. Guys can't decide if they want to be with you right away, sex isn't what seals the deal, it's part of the total package. But for women, sex usually means something and once they have sex they usually begin to become emotionally attached.
The other thing I know is that men are much less forgiving about these types of things (not being forthcoming about a FWB). A lot of women might be pissed but will be willing to look the other way because they have already invested a lot into the "relationship". Most guys will break it off right away if they know a woman was having sex with another, even if you weren't not excluse. I think a lot of women would be wise to take this page from the man's book. I, for one, would kick the guy to the curb.
The other reason I would be livid is because a lot of girls become emotionally attached to their FWB (not all, but a lot). I don't want to have to deal with the fallout of a pissy FWB who was no longer the FWB. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:34:33 PM | | Unless you start sleeping with him or its serious it really isnt his business. Most men balance different women at the same time so who cares until its exclusive | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/7/2012 10:18:43 AM |
Unless you start sleeping with him or its serious it really isnt his business. Most men balance different women at the same time so who cares until its exclusive
Except that I'm not "most men", and I don't 'balance' anything other than life/career/relationship(singular), I don't 'multi-date' and never have, nor have I ever had a FWB, nor do I expect/desire anyone as a partner who does. So for me, if there's someone else 'in the picture' (or "was" while we were dating and she lied/decieved me about it) for her, then I'm out of the picture. It might 'lessen my dating pool', sure... but then those are people I wouldn't want to be dating anyways.
I honestly could care less what the OP does (or anyone else), if she dates people who are ok with that then great, but it wouldn't be me. And I find it quite hypocritical of her to say if she met a guy who had a FWB, she would "run in the other direction", but she seems to expect it to be ok if she does it. If its ok for her, it should be ok for him - fair is fair. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/7/2012 12:05:49 PM |
You don't have to ask the other person whether they are in an FWB siuation directly, you simply have to ask them how they feel about FWB situations in general and simply state that you disapprove of them. This way the conversation will be about dating in general and not about their specific situation (which many people feel they have a right to hide).
I personally would never date anyone who felt that a FWB situation is acceptable because I would have to question the boundaries that they establish with others.
This is completely how I feel. I'm not interested in someone who thinks sex can be had casually, whether the opportunity has presented itself to him (yet) or not. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/8/2012 1:32:56 PM |
Sex is an enjoyable act for BOTH parties involved, usually: doesn't mean one or both participants isn't manipulating the other.
OK, so 2 of us here know that. It seems that some posters are still back in the 1950s and think that female sexuality is an item of barter.
I also acknowledged that there are certainly situations and scenarios where sex is still being used as a tool of manipulation( "hoodwinking" a woman or a man)...but the poster I was responding to, IMO, was painting sex as a PRODUCT that women must dispense properly in order to obtain some social and/or economic benefit. Again, I understand and acknowledge that this sort of thing does still go on,but the poster I was responding to seemed to be presenting the old idea that for women, sex needs to be a commodity- as a current and universal truth. Lots of women who are involved in cougar activities, FwBs,more loosely-structured relationships, are NOT being "hoodwinked", and to suggest that men are intentionally "hoodwinking" women, IMO, insults MEN way more than it insults women.
Cindy O | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/21/2012 3:29:56 AM | One would assume that your FWB would end when you found that relationship your looking for so what would be the point of mentioning it unless you don't want to give up that FWB.
Pretty much how I viewed things when I was dating. I had some great friends I slept with in between relationships who remain great friends I no longer sleep with.
It's really nobody your dating's business I think who else you sleep with at this point. If things move on and you agree to be exclusive then your FWB arrangement becomes 'Friend'.
I trust my fiancee, but I still don't want her remaining friends with her exes..............Right. If a woman wanted to remain friends with an ex or former partner, she certainly could date someone else, because I wouldn't date her, at least not with a relationship in mind..
This man does NOT actually trust his fiancee. He also seems to be a bit of a control freak.
She is entitled to remain friends with whomever she so chooses. I remain friends with with my ex wife, ex girlfriends and former FWB and my partner could care less. She is also friends with my ex-wife, as is my brother and sisters.
I am also friendly with her former partner and have met her ex-boyfriend.
People have relationships, they sleep with each other, they have HISTORY.
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/21/2012 9:59:37 AM |
raina-kd
I'm not interested in someone who thinks sex can be had casually, whether the opportunity has presented itself to him (yet) or not.
???? Would you care to amplify on that statement, as it does not make sense to me.
Here is a true statement:
sex can be had casually
If I think that, then I am in touch with reality, I am sane (at least in this one regard). If you think sex cannot be had casually, then you are out of touch with reality, and you have a psychological problem of some sort.
ladyc4
Sex is an enjoyable act for BOTH parties involved, usually: doesn't mean one or both participants isn't manipulating the other.
OK, so 2 of us here know that.
Please increase that count by 1.
abelian
I consider the inability to cut an ex out of one's life to be a character defect.
I will agree, if we are talking about an ex girlfriend or some such. If we’re talking about an ex-spouse, and there are kids and grandkids involved, life just isn’t that simple. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/21/2012 4:10:59 PM |
Actually she's not, since dating me and remaining friends with exes is a mutually exclusive choice. No one has ever chosen the exes, so I assume I can get away with insisting on that.
So, once they date you, and we are talking just dating, they have to cut off all contact with people in their past they've ever been close to, save family? I would never be so presumptuous to deliver such an ultimatum.
You can put up with baggage and carry yours around with you, but I don't have to put up with that crap. I consider the inability to cut an ex out of one's life to be a character defect.
You and I part company on this point. I certainly don't view my past relationships and friendships as baggage, because they have contributed to the full and rich life I have right now. Our life experiences and people we meet along the journey make us who we are and I have not been so ready to discard good and decent people simply because somebody I've only just met wanted me to. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/22/2012 5:42:51 AM | I find this thread quite disgusting to be honest. If you are dating somebody you SHOULD NOT be having sex with somebody else. It's like saying sure i'll go for meals and things with you but when it comes to sex i'm going to this other person.
Disgraceful, that's all there is to it. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/22/2012 6:47:14 AM | | UNTIL a man states he is interesting in a committed relationship HE IS SINGLE. And a woman who thinks 3 dates mean they are in a committed relationship is a fool. AND it is NONE of his business who you are sleeping with UNTIL you have entered a committed relationship up till then YOU ARE as single as he is. NOW if he wants to make it committed let him step up and state it. IF he doesnt then keep seeing other men. JUST that simple. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/22/2012 10:35:41 AM |
???? Would you care to amplify on that statement, as it does not make sense to me.
Here is a true statement:
sex can be had casually
If I think that, then I am in touch with reality, I am sane (at least in this one regard). If you think sex cannot be had casually, then you are out of touch with reality, and you have a psychological problem of some sort.
I think you knew what I meant but just want to be contrary. I meant that if a man thinks HIS sex can be had casually, we're not compatible. You can nitpick the word "can" as literal, but I think my meaning here is obvious. I do not believe in having sex casually, and I do not want to date a man who believes he could or would ever have sex casually. Does that make more sense to you? | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/23/2012 9:45:05 AM | ochriso,
If you are dating somebody you SHOULD NOT be having sex with somebody else. It's like saying sure i'll go for meals and things with you but when it comes to sex i'm going to this other person.
I agree (though your analogy isn't necessarily correct). But I don't think it's about if you're Dating someone. DatING someone means an on-going, repetitive situation from the past & currently into the present and by all means rolling into the future. Totally different than A date. Or even having a second date in most cases. Or even a third in most standard ones.
DallasSBF,
UNTIL a man states he is interesting in a committed relationship HE IS SINGLE.
I wouldn't go that far. I think if you've been seeing someone, even though it's not written in stone, there's a certain level of expected exclusivity -- even if it's a judgment call on both parties of what that'd be. And exclusivity is different than commitment. I'd say commitment means being committed to a relationship where nobody's going to walk because there was an argument, some rough patches... you're committed to giving it a real go -- you're not going to just bolt because you don't feel you're a good 'match' on the surface level of things... you've already known that from already spending lots of time together.
But before that point, there can be exclusivity -- and in unwritten words, a particular level of it early on. I don't agree with just because you have A date that you're exclusive. But if you've been seeing each other frequently already, have been intimate, get along great, etc., I think by Default, there's an expected exclusivity to some notable degree.
Of course there's gray areas many times -- that's why many times when the writing isn't written clearly on the wall, a "talk" about where you're at, expectations, etc is the thing to do. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/23/2012 1:25:37 PM |
UNTIL a man states he is interesting in a committed relationship HE IS SINGLE. And a woman who thinks 3 dates mean they are in a committed relationship is a fool. AND it is NONE of his business who you are sleeping with UNTIL you have entered a committed relationship up till then YOU ARE as single as he is. NOW if he wants to make it committed let him step up and state it. IF he doesnt then keep seeing other men. JUST that simple.
1... If I found out the girl I was seeing had been sleeping with other men since we met, I'd simply dump her... End of story... I don't care what her views are on it... I know what mine are....
2... If I found out later on, say deep in a committed relationship.... I'd dump her... End of story...
3... I would not enter into a committed relationship with any woman who was dating and or sleeping with other people...
I guess, if the woman thinks she's single and can do what she wants, then I dont have to worry too much about her feelings when I dump her... | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/23/2012 1:29:21 PM |
Why tell him at all? what business is it of his?
Well, I wont have sex with a woman until she's had an STD test...
An STD test is not reliable until about 3 to 6 months after the last time a person has had sex...
If she's still got a FWB, then we can't have sex until at least 3 months have passed... That means adding the 3 months to whatever time we've been dating... | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/24/2012 11:50:21 AM | When to tell him? I guess you are not ethically bound to tell him unless he asks "what should know before I decide whether I want to meet you"?
Technically you are free to do whatever you want, since you are single and not in a relationship. I suspect that many if not most men who are looking for a relationship, would feel duped if they later learned that you had a FWB on the side while they were dating you. I think it's more okay to date more than one person, if you aren't sleeping with any of them. Once you are sleeping with someone, that usually becomes a relationship to the exclusion of dating others.
I guess it depends on how much you are willing to deceive these guys, and how mad/taken you are willing for them to feel when/if you tell them. If it was me, I'd end the FWB when I decide I wanted to date. I don't see those two things as compatible. | |
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SC67
| | Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 821 | |
| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/24/2012 1:32:25 PM |
I think it's more okay to date more than one person, if you aren't sleeping with any of them.
agreed 100%
Once you are sleeping with someone, that usually becomes a relationship to the exclusion of dating others.
I agree with this too, but be prepared. I'll go make some popcorn while the "at least they're passionate, physical people & not prudes" e-mails are composed.
If it was me, I'd end the FWB when I decide I wanted to date. I don't see those two things as compatible.
word
One of the best posts in this long & contentious thread. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/24/2012 9:08:34 PM |
Once you are sleeping with someone, that usually becomes a relationship to the exclusion of dating others.
I disagree, otherwise they wouldn't call it FWB and would just call it "just seeing someone". The point of a FWB is that you're still essentially single, although, true, there are at least some strings attached. But you can mingle, get #s, flirt, and even go out on a date here and a date there ("dating others"), as long as you don't start datING a specific person. That's bad for both the FWB and the specific person you're starting to see.
Hence, I believe you should stop the FWB once there's sound, mutual attraction demonstrated between you and someone else (usually takes 2-3 dates if you didn't know them beforehand), or are knowingly about to sleep with them. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/24/2012 10:01:56 PM |
But if you've been seeing each other frequently already, have been intimate, get along great, etc., I think by Default, there's an expected exclusivity to some notable degree.
That might be the order in which some people do things---but it's not the way I do them. There will be no intimacy before we have an exclusivity agreement in place.
Of course there's gray areas many times -- that's why many times when the writing isn't written clearly on the wall, a "talk" about where you're at, expectations, etc is the thing to do.
The time to have that talk is before intimacy---not after. That way, there won't be any gray areas to worry about, or expectations that won't be met. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/25/2012 6:56:26 AM | The time to have that talk is before going on a first date so there won't be any surprises when you get to the point of sleeping with each other.
I made it clear to men prior to setting up dates with them, that I didn't have sex outside of exclusive relationships. If a man agreed to meet me, it was with the understanding that there would be no sex unless we were exclusive. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 6/25/2012 7:47:55 AM |
But if you've been seeing each other frequently already, have been intimate, get along great, etc., I think by Default, there's an expected exclusivity to some notable degree.
That might be the order in which some people do things---but it's not the way I do them. There will be no intimacy before we have an exclusivity agreement in place.
That was an example, not the Exact list, where there is exclusivity to at least some degree assumed (ie not being 100% single), countering the point stated by someone else that you are 100% single until the other person declares they want committed relationship. Sex isn't required, and that wasn't the point at all -- but it would be hard to say you've been seeing someone if it's up in the air to have an 8th grade makeout jam session with them. The point was, if you are truly seeing someone, and it's otherwise normal (usually some form of intimacy and you're hitting it off fine), yes, there is some assumed exclusivity, even without any 'talk'.
The time to have that talk is before intimacy---not after. That way, there won't be any gray areas to worry about, or expectations that won't be met.
Before intimacy -- before making out? Again, the whole point is that if you really ARE seeing each other. Some level of intimacy by itself ensures that yes, you're not in the 'friends first' arena or are 'friend zoned'. Sometimes you don't need a talk -- it's just stated out there, and it's obvious as the sky being blue that the two are coupled up (statements said, no 'talk' req'd), but sometimes it is when it's gray. And sure, many people would before getting porked, notably if they wanted to to 'do it' sooner rather than later. | |
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