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| | When to tell your date that you have a FWB?Page 5 of 34 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34) | | Why would they need to know ?? You don`t have to tell them anything,if something develops just cut the ties to the fwb and move on w the new guy. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/16/2011 6:30:34 PM |
If you found someone that you might be interested in,
and you told him that the fwb was coming to an end
Do you think he would step up to the plate?
And this brings up another good reason to not date someone in this situation....
What if the FWB sees what he's going to lose, and he decides to 'step up to the plate' ?
All of a sudden, the new guy gets dumped...
Or, perhaps the FWB says he will 'step up to the plate', she dumps the new guy and the FWB reverts back to his old ways having eliminated the current threat to his steady sex... | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 7:20:31 AM |
...if something develops just cut the ties to the fwb and move on w the new guy.
The "F" in "FWB" is for Friend. Do you really think that friend will be cast aside?
That person will still be part of the scenario. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 7:55:06 AM | I don't think you should tell until you feel comfortable. If it were me, I wouldn't give up a perfectly good fwb for a possible good 'first meet'. After the first meet if we agreed on a date I would tell my fwb - no more benefits. He would still be my friend. The only issue I guess is if you and your new guy are actually hitting it off and you have the need to introduce the 2. I would have a hard time not telling the entire truth at that point. But...if you really stopped the benefits before the first date, it's in the past. If he asks to give up the friendship, I, personally would say no and realize he's not the right guy for me. I'm too old to be told who I can and cannot be friends with.
I currently live in a somewhat 'different' situation. My roommate is my best friend. A male. A past 'significant other' as well as a past 'fwb'. We are now platonic and both trying to find the right person for ourselves. We've been through a lot. He is quite a bit younger than me and thinks he might like to meet a woman he can start a family with...(I'm way too old for that and already have all my 'kids') and I want to find a man who loves me with all my 'quirks'. We love each other as friends. He helped me when my late husband died and I've known him over 5 years. If I meet a man online I will agree to a 'meet and greet' without going over details. If we hit it off and he wants a date, I will tell him everything. If he can't handle it, so be it. It wasn't meant to be.
Unfortunately, at this point in my life I can't afford to live alone so I choose to live with my best friend.
Army Mom. Do what's best for YOU. There are men that will run, but you probably wouldn't want them anyway. The man who doesn't run ... just might be 'Mr Right'.
I wish you tons of luck in this here pond... | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 8:04:14 AM | I think some people here do not know what FWB actually means.
The people I know that have them have no problem with the
definition.
It seems the people that don't have one are the ones making up
their definitions that either work or in most cases don't work for
them.
The only question here is whether or not you need to tell someone
you're DATING that you have one. IMO, not until you decide to
become exclusive at which time the friend no longer reaps the benefits.
For someone who has a clear of understanding of what their FWB is, why
should this be more complicated? | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 8:06:41 AM | Thank you, wobblyangelwings ... I have chosen to just be quiet about my personal situation. There are many doubters in here that I'd give up my FWB if I met the right guy, but they obviously don't know the entire story. I would absolutely end it in a heartbeat if I found Mr. Right. My personal opinion is that some of these guys might see a FWB as some sort of threat, so they're screaming they'd dump me immediately if they found out. So be it. I can't concern myself with their insecurities.
As far as having luck in this pond ... all I seem to attract are bottom feeders  | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 8:43:31 AM | Seriously OP, I really don't understand why you are concerned what some guys think? why would you give a rats ass what some folks think about FWB's or if you will give up your FWB if the right guys comes along.
The way I look at is it, consenting adults can do what they want to do, its no one business, the only thing I question is why would you even discuss that you have FWB with someone who might be a potential date or future boyfriend? unless this is a method you use to weed out the insecure ones?
This is the kind of thinking that puzzles me, Ive met women and not once Ive asked about their past partners or if they have FWB partners, its none of my business and if any of them were to tell me I would question why are they telling me? I'm not a jealous person or insecure and I don't care about their past what matters to me is today, tomorrow, are they clean and do they have integrity and believes in monogamy. All I care is are we on the same page singing from the same book, do our core values match? and if she doesnt like fried chicken its a bonus, anyways not sure why I mentioned that sorry.
I don't think its hiding anything when it come to not revealing if you have FWB? only insecure people would question you about having a FWB, if the guy wants to run because you have one so be it, doesn't make Them all insecure , although I'm sure a fair number of them are and some of them are hypocrites and they have FWB for the most part. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 9:40:53 AM |
I would absolutely end it in a heartbeat if I found Mr. Right.
When that heartbeat occurs makes a lot of difference. Do you plan to end it before or after you go out with Mr. Right the first time? Do you plan to date Mr. Right and see your fwb for some period of time? I can see Mr. Right being ok with your fwb so long as the fwb was history when you first met Mr. Right, but if their tenures are going overlap, Mr. Right has every reason to dump you. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 9:50:44 AM |
but if their tenures are going overlap, Mr. Right has every reason to dump you.-Abelian I don't agree with that man, If Mr right was going to dump her for that very reason he isn't Mr.Right in the first place, he was Mr wrong pretending to be Mr.Right and that reason also hes done her a favor.
If he was Mr.Right for her he would understand and be reasonable and not let his emotions,views cloud his decision, there is no right or wrong in this situation and it comes down to someone philosophy on the subject, I think that what separates the Mr .Rights vs the Mr.Wrong types. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 10:13:44 AM |
When that heartbeat occurs makes a lot of difference. Do you plan to end it before or after you go out with Mr. Right the first time? Do you plan to date Mr. Right and see your fwb for some period of time? I can see Mr. Right being ok with your fwb so long as the fwb was history when you first met Mr. Right, but if their tenures are going overlap, Mr. Right has every reason to dump you.
How does she know he's "Mr Right" when they go out the first time?
Why would she dump her FWB before she even knew if he was Mr. Right?
We're talking about dating someone...for the first time. I can see meeting
"Mr Right" and losing the FWB AFTER the first date...but before?
Um...no. Mr. Right doesn't have "tenure" at that point. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 10:47:46 AM | I have never had that arrangement (my choice) and therefore can't offer any advice on the right or wrong time to discuss it - or even if you should discuss it.
I have had the situation at an initial meeting with someone I met via POF, where I have been asked if I had dated anyone on here before and if I had been intimate with them. My response was that it was none of their business.
How many partners someone has had, who they have been intimate with in the past, and other other such information, in my view, belongs in the past and should stay there. It is not something I would ask of anyone else because it is nothing to do with me. That information is personal and between the two people concerned.
The only thing that would be any concern with a new relationship, is the sexual health of both people. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 1:30:54 PM |
I expected exclusivity precisely because of situations like this one. That way, no one had an excuse for thinking it would be ok to sleep around while dating me.
I know... I wasn't implying that you wanted a relationship, but exclusivity if it's going down Dating alley (not hook-up alley). My point was not assuming that offer/agreement was brought to the table on a 1st date, that's all. Of course if it is, that changes things... but it doesn't matter whether they have a FWB, have a potential 1st/2nd/3rd date lined up with someone, etc. It's all "the same" -- someone else in which there is or could be "stuff" going on. Whether one is swift on the 1st date getting that out of the way (although I don't recommend that, but that's beside the point), or an emotional investment is being had, or sexual relations are being had -- with Dating in mind -- they should do so with knowledge of cutting off any other "opportunities", purely-physical or Dating-oriented.
I wasn't opposed to multi dating. I was only opposed to doing that with women who wanted a relationship out of it.
Yeah, I was referring to "Dating" as an avenue toward a Relationship... I don't call it "dating" or "multi-dating" if there is more than one gal in the mix at the same time where we're not going down relationship-alley, ie just hanging out/no-expectations/fwb or less. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 1:33:49 PM |
If he asks to give up the friendship, I, personally would say no and realize he's not the right guy for me. I'm too old to be told who I can and cannot be friends with.
I see, so then you'd look a bit silly if a little while down the road, the FWB cuts off all contact with you, out of respect to a women he may feel is the right girl. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 2:38:00 PM | I don't agree with that man, If Mr right was going to dump her for that very reason he isn't Mr.Right in the first place, he was Mr wrong pretending to be Mr.Right and that reason also hes done her a favor.
That argument is specious. A guy could easily be Mr. Right in every way but the fwb issue, in which case, it's someone she actually would have considered Mr. Right and still would consider Mr. Right except for him changing her from the Ms. Right to Ms. Wrong column because of the fwb. The guy is not going to be Mr. Right, but the reason he isn't was created by the op, nt anything that would have made a dfference had she not been keeping an fwb on call while she was dating. So, yeah, he'll be Mr. Wrong but only because the op has no choice but to redefine him that way because of the fwb.
How does she know he's "Mr Right" when they go out the first time?
Obviously, she doesn't, but unless she's prepared to define Mr. Right as someone who doesn't paying for dates while she's f*cking someone else, she has a dilemma.
Why would she dump her FWB before she even knew if he was Mr. Right?
Maybe because she wouldn't want to limit her selection of Mr. Right's to guys who are willing to wine and dine her, then drop her off to go sleep with someone else. The only guys who would do that are doormats who are desperate. Even if he isn't aware of what's going on at the time (although it's hard to imagine how he wouldn't at least suspect something was going on), those things have a way of coming out later on. She's not going to know that he's Mr. Right after the first date, either.
We're talking about dating someone...for the first time. I can see meeting
"Mr Right" and losing the FWB AFTER the first date...but before?
Who the hell wants to contemplate a relationship with someone who isn't free and clear? Thanks, but drama isn't my thing and I can see how that conversation would go after the first date:
______________________
(OP) Hi, fwb?
(FWB) Yes?
(OP) I met someone tonight and we're going to have to stop seeing each other.
(FWB) Does that mean we're not on for tomorrow?
(OP) Well, I another time or two would be ok while I'm trying to decide if he's Mr. Right. He'll never find out.
________________________
We're talking about dating someone...for the first time. I can see meeting
"Mr Right" and losing the FWB AFTER the first date...but before?
You can argue from whatever perspective you want, but ultimately, the only person's opinion that will matter is the potential Mr. Right, since his veto of a relationship doesn't require agreement with what anyone else considers fair or justification. Since I (and many others) are not going to date someone who remains friends with a previous sexual partner, the op also now has to decide if she really wants to limit herself to guys who are alright with that, too. Giben that she already claims she's only meeting guys who are the bottom of the barrel, without shrinking her pool further, I'd say the fwb is only making things more difficult.
A fwb is fine for between relationships, but trying to juggle one with dates while looking for a relationship is just asking to have it all backfire. If someone wants to have sex while dating, the way to do it with the least potential for drama is to hook up wih no strings attached, so that person is history when you part ways.
Thank you, browneyesboo ... once again, the women are winning in their open-mindedness about the FWB thing
Open minded? Hardley. The reason you need an fwb for sex is that you're too closed minded about sex to just hook up if you want to have sex and keep your dating life nice and tidy. You're attitude about sex isn't any different. You still can't see having sex without it being with someone you have some emotional bond with. All you've done was cave into physical desire by picking someone familiar so you could have sex regularly at the expense of a neat and tidy dating life. Open minded would have been to actually become more open minded about casual sex and be able to compartmentalize sex by what purpose it's serving.
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 3:34:54 PM | | army mom, you sure make a lot of desparaging blanket statements about men, about how they think or what they want. I'm sure this is going to come as a surprise but we don't all think the same or want the same things. you've been watching too much lifetime channel or something. with all their faults are you sure you really want one? | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 4:04:55 PM |
So be it. I can't concern myself with their insecurities.
As far as having luck in this pond ... all I seem to attract are bottom feeders
Really, Yet u are still here to bottom feed yourself? lol hummmm...... why is that? What folks is it u need to tells this to? hummm....
imo, anyone who self proclaims they are are survivor, imo, they are done, toast !
With another, it's not happening.....sorry but if u need to still blow smoke, ramble on & for it!
Survivor folks can only save one now......game over...... | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 4:12:48 PM | | Personally, I haven't and wouldn't be involved in an FWB, but to each their own. If it were a guy I was talking to, I'd hope he'd say so fairly soon, hopefully before we meet. To me, there is no such thing as "casual sex", so it'd be someone I'd be incompatible with - a dealbreaker. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 5:10:54 PM |
The reason you need an fwb for sex is that you're too closed minded about sex to just hook up if you want to have sex and keep your dating life nice and tidy. You're attitude about sex isn't any different. You still can't see having sex without it being with someone you have some emotional bond with. All you've done was cave into physical desire by picking someone familiar so you could have sex regularly at the expense of a neat and tidy dating life. Open minded would have been to actually become more open minded about casual sex and be able to compartmentalize sex by what purpose it's serving. ... ableian
That's a lot to ask of a woman.
You're expecting her to follow a man's mindset.
I know I couldn't do that.
I would be very, very uncomfortable having sex with men I just meet/date and then move on to the next.
It could be years and years before I would meet the man that I would want in my life.
So do I add another 20 or so notches on my bedpost to satisfy my cravings?
No ... can't do that.
I understand from your postings
that this has been your lifestyle.
And that is OK ... for you.
But it does not work for everyone else.
OP is comfortable with one man.
Nothing wrong with that.
As the post goes ...
She just has to choose when to stop it.
And there I am not sure how it will be done,
As I don't understand how it started.
*Just Jim* has tried on a few occasions to explain it
But I can't understand a damn thing he is saying.
Either it's the drinking or the teenage texting. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 5:35:22 PM | It really is interesting to see how people think so differently. So this was in actuality a contest? "FWB, right or wrong?" Huh...I missed that. And although I haven't gone back and counted responses for and against, I've seen several from women that think along the same lines as I do regarding no interest in casual sex, so I don't see it as women vs men in this thread. Halcyon_Skies pretty much summed up my position and my methodology in beginning a relationship, so I won't repeat it here.
And you say that because I'm only interested in sex within a committed relationship with a like-minded woman, that makes me insecure? And I'm jealous and secretly WANT an FWB? Who knew? :D
Perhaps you're just not accustomed to thinking like those that only "couple" within a relationship. I know that I often forget that many people date more than one person at a time, unlike myself. In view of this, I should probably alter my earlier response. You probably do NOT have any duty to disclose your FWB, if you're dating others that have no issues with casual sex. In my case, there is a LOT of dialogue prior to really getting into the meat of a relationship. Choices/values/feelings about sex outside a relationship WILL come up. If our values differ, we stop and part as friends. Of course, if she was to lie about it and I found out later, I would end it. Not because I thought she was a bad person for engaging in casual sex, but because she lied. What else might she be lying about?
Anyway - I do appreciate the enlightenment about my secret desire to have a(n) FWB. I guess I'd best go call my friends right away and warn them to be on their guard next time they come over. Wonder if they still sell chastity belts? If so, figuring out what to get two of the people on my list for Christmas just got a whoooole lot easier.  | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 7:51:27 PM |
If Mr right was going to dump her for that very reason he isn't Mr.Right in the first place, he was Mr wrong pretending to be Mr.Right
If he was Mr.Right for her he would understand and be reasonable and not let his emotions,views cloud his decision, there is no right or wrong in this situation and it comes down to someone philosophy on the subject
No. Mr Right could as easily understand and reasonably request she end contact with the FWB. It is then her choice to comply or not.
Some men are secure enough to move on when they don't like something in a relationship rather than being compliant and desperate enough to accept things they may not like. I personally, would not date someone who thinks her FWB should remain as a friend. And the same would apply if she wanted any past lover to remain a friend. Either way, her wanting to do that would make her Ms. Wrong as opposed to Ms. Right as far as I'm concerned.
Some men are also not emotionally involved in a relationship. They too, would likely not care about the "friend" either.
Finally, some men would accept the 'FWB' still being around because they simply don't care and don't plan on having a long term relationship.... | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 7:58:04 PM |
Well I don't think you need to tell you date anything, If you start seeing him and you have a arrangement with your FWB to end it so be it, does your date expect you to be virgin? Im sure he's probably had or is currently in one too. I don't see it as hiding anything, its not of his business just like if he has a FWB its none of yours, what matters if you are both on the same page.
When you're dating and you stop " seeing" your FWB , and you decide to be exclusive you do what other mature clients do, you get tested together and you're giving a clean bill of health and you enjoy the new relationship , why talk about past relationships?
just my opinion
The **stard beat me to it AGAIN!! This is the exact answer. It is not the business of a 'date' to know whom else is on your dance card. You are free to date as many people as you wish. When you become exclusive... or feel it coming close you stop the FWB. You also get tested together and that is that. | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 8:09:34 PM |
My personal opinion is that some of these guys might see a FWB as some sort of threat, so they're screaming they'd dump me immediately if they found out.
No. We don't see them as a threat. What you're doing by dating and having a FWB is making the person you date an 'option'. How much 'drive' is she going to have to meet a new guy and spend time and get emotionally involved with a new guy, when she has a guy waiting in the wings to fulfill part of her emotional/sexual/bonding needs?
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
That being said, if I was dating someone and found out she had been fcuking her FWB while we were dating... Then I'd dump her. End of story.
Apart from the "yuckkk" factor, I'd hate for us to decide to be exclusive only to have her tell me she can't get STD tests for another 3 months or so because she slept with her FWB the night before or the week before we decided to be exclusive...
Then too. Look at the FWB's agenda here. He's going to be losing his fcuk partner. Now, he might not care. He's possibly got one or more other ones to fall back on.
Or, she might be his only current source of sex. Is she going to be getting relationship advice from him too? I can see him saying a lot of stuff like "Oh, you can do better than a guy like that...." or "He's not good enough for you..." etc to poison the relationship so he can get the "benefits" going again... Or perhaps, simply monopolising her time as much as possible to make it harder for her to see the new guy... | |
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 8:16:04 PM |
When you become exclusive... or feel it coming close you stop the FWB. You also get tested together and that is that.
As I said before, getting tested means you have to wait for 3 or ideally more than 6 months since last sexual activity before you get an accurate test result. Some STD's will not show up in tests until the level of antibodies is high enough. This can take several months in cases like AIDs...
That means if she only just gave up the FWB, then it could be months before you could be safely intimate with her...
The ‘window period’ is a term used to describe the period of time between HIV infection and the production of antibodies. During this time, an antibody test may give a ‘false negative’ result, which means the test will be negative, even though a person is infected with HIV. To avoid false negative results, antibody tests are recommended three months after potential exposure to HIV infection.
A negative test at three months will almost always mean a person is not infected with HIV. If an individual’s test is still negative at six months, and they have not been at risk of HIV infection in the meantime, it means they are not infected with HIV.
It is very important to note that if a person is infected with HIV, they can still transmit the virus to others during the window period.
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| When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/17/2011 8:28:09 PM |
No. We don't see them as a threat. What you're doing by dating and having a FWB is making the person you date an 'option'. How much 'drive' is she going to have to meet a new guy and spend time and get emotionally involved with a new guy, when she has a guy waiting in the wings to fulfill part of her emotional/sexual/bonding needs? “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” Nonsense. While dating you are only an option. She may date as many other people as she wishes. As long as she is sexually not sexually active with you she owes you nothing in the way of exclusivity, nor explaination. if she is sexually active with you, then you have the right to know if there is another spoon in the pot. That being said, if I was dating someone and found out she had been fcuking her FWB while we were dating... Then I'd dump her. End of story.
Apart from the "yuckkk" factor, I'd hate for us to decide to be exclusive only to have her tell me she can't get STD tests for another 3 months or so because she slept with her FWB the night before or the week before we decided to be exclusive... That is up to you, but it has little to do with anything. If she happened to have sex two months before getting with you, she still does not make the three month barrier and two months is a long enough time to be between partners. So are you saying that she should remain three months celibate before having an exclusive relationship? Then too. Look at the FWB's agenda here. He's going to be losing his fcuk partner. Now, he might not care. He's possibly got one or more other ones to fall back on.
Or, she might be his only current source of sex. Is she going to be getting relationship advice from him too? I can see him saying a lot of stuff like "Oh, you can do better than a guy like that...." or "He's not good enough for you..." etc to poison the relationship so he can get the "benefits" going again... Or perhaps, simply monopolising her time as much as possible to make it harder for her to see the new guy... I am sorry but that IS viewing him as a threat. Who cares what advice he gives her, or how much he tries to monopolize her time, or what his agenda his? She is the one that will decide if she wants to see you or spend time with you or anything else. Thinking about how he can wreck your relationship is exactly what viewing the FWB as a threat is. Look, there will always be other guys that want to date/sleep with her. You need to be confident in what YOu bring to the table and forget about them. | |
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