| | Why does dating seem so much like work?Page 2 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) |
My advice? Spend a quiet afternoon and read very carefully a dozen profiles for ladies near you. Pick 3 that match closest to what you want in a partner and then write very sincere emails. Ask questions, give some details about your life that are not in your profile. Be kind, be brief and above all be very polite. Compliment their photos and impress upon the fact that you are looking for a real relationship.
PLease let us know how this goes as well.
You can be the litmus test. :)
I stopped putting so much effort into this long ago personally | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/15/2012 11:51:20 PM | Good advice:
"Instead of making 20 dates hoping one will pay off, date only when you meet someone that inspires you to want to date. Then it will be less of a job and more of a natural thing. The results are generally the same - except in the latter case, you'd be doing something more constructive with your free time, so you'll be in a better frame of mind when you DO meet someone that you click with.
Or, keep lining em up and going through the motions. I guess it's your choice." | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/16/2012 12:49:06 PM | Why does it seem like work?
Because you have been brainwashed to believe that you will just meet someone 'accidently', and that relationships just develop 'naturally', without any effort on your part.
In fact, meeting new people, making friends, forming relationships , and just generally being 'sociable' all require some effort. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/17/2012 7:19:44 AM |
Because you have been brainwashed to believe that you will just meet someone 'accidently', and that relationships just develop 'naturally', without any effort on your part.
Then my last like 6 relationships must have been a freak thing.
meeting new people, making friends, forming relationships , and just generally being 'sociable' all require some effort.
Granted, if you never socialize with people ever and don't leave the house - you won't meet anyone to date accidentally, nor will you meet anyone for any other reason. It may feel like an effort if you're not used to it - but most of us start young with socialization, and if we don't have it now, it's that we've not kept it up.
If you are content to be single but you're open to more should it materialize, and you have a healthy social network you are constantly adding to - then some of the people you meet will turn out to be romantic interests. What's better, since you're not trying to find it - you won't realize it when it's not happening, and when it does you'll be pleasantly surprised. I've done this enough to know it actually does happen.
Treating dating like a business plan (and projecting that vibe, which happens by default) more often than not will cause people to back away, not warm up to you. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/17/2012 8:44:34 AM | ^^^^^^^^
Since I don't know anything about any of your relationships, I wouldn't care to speculate about the freakishness of your last six.
My guess is that it depends a lot on the social environment in which one lives, works and plays. Constantly adding to one's social network is going to require more effort in some environments than others. The best environments for making new friends have three conditions : proximity to other people, opportunities for repeated, unplanned contacts, and a setting in which people feel comfortable letting down their guard and confiding in one another. Those aren't universal conditions, at least in my experience, so some effort is going to be necessary to either find or create those conditions. If you've been able to luck into them with little or no effort on your part, well, more power to you.
And in most social environments, waiting for someone else to put in the effort to get acquainted with you is unlikely to add to your social network. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/17/2012 3:34:03 PM | True, I work with the public a lot more than most - so I see more people than the average person does. If I didn't, I'd head out and find people - so no, I don't have to think about it. Yes, if I lived somewhere there weren't a lot of people I'd have trouble running into them - and while my state is pretty dense, it's extremely small, so there are a lot of repeats. You grab friends or just your keys and you go somewhere you want to go and check it out.
True, I don't wait for people to come to me - and that's good as the ones who do aren't usually my idea of keepers socially. I tend to talk to people randomly everywhere I go as a habit. Most of the people I am friends with now I made conversation with off the cuff while I was where they were doing some other thing.
The only effort you'd have to make is finding out where people are and going there if they aren't in your travels. And if they are in your travels, you'll see em in stores, gas stations, parks, campuses, coffee shops, concerts, restaurants, doctors' offices, traffic, wherever.
Good advice:
"Instead of making 20 dates hoping one will pay off, date only when you meet someone that inspires you to want to date. Then it will be less of a job and more of a natural thing. The results are generally the same - except in the latter case, you'd be doing something more constructive with your free time, so you'll be in a better frame of mind when you DO meet someone that you click with.
Or, keep lining em up and going through the motions. I guess it's your choice."
Thanks - it's always worked for me. But again, I don't treat finding someone like a mission in life. If I did, I'd be miserable everytime I wasn't in the process of bagging someone - and of course it'd be all in my head. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/22/2012 11:22:22 AM |
Complaining about a system without spending the effort to understanding the inner functions and mechanics is honestly lazy in the grandest sense. Well then, no wonder there is such a pessimistic view by those who invest so little into their desires.
The problem with this is that we are obviously investing a lot of effort in our desires, but nothing is working. Yes, the system does suck (I have no desire to kiss everyone's ass and say that it doesn't because I would be lying if I said I thought it didn't suck), but there's not much we can do about it. So, we have to learn to live with what we have.
So how do we understand the inner functions and mechanics? The problem is, it seems like 99% of the dating advice out there is complete nonsense or at least full of half-truths. Even if it isn't nonsense, it's hard to tell which part of it is not nonsense because no one actually gives any proof that their dating theories are actually correct most of the time. It ought to be a little more scientific.
Here is one video from a series that isn't as scientific as it could be, but actually provides evidence, rather than just arguing from their own authority.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pHB06tnKPs&feature=related
Also, it's false to assume that if I learn how it works that I am actually going to be able to apply that knowledge. I read How To Win Friends and Influence People. Do I understand it? Yes. Can I apply it? Hell no. Why not? Because that requires experience dealing with actual people. It's too hard to get the practice you need. If you have trouble getting a date, how are you going to practice your skills?
Some of us are just going to have a really hard time, no matter what we try to do about it. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/22/2012 2:39:57 PM | | It is your choice to treat it like a numbers game OP. You know what I do? Once or twice a month I will devote a few hours to going through as many profiles as I can. If I like what it says, I bookmark it. So then at the end of a few hours, I have a ton of profiles saved. Then I will send out an email to the one on the top of the list, give it five days, and then go onto the next one. I used to send out a ton of emails at the same time, go out with multiple women because I wanted options, etc.. However, that is exactly what turned it into work. Now I deal with one woman. I don't care if it is only for one email, the initial phone call, or if it ends at a first meet. That way I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I also could care less about trying to impress a woman. I am not shelling out big bucks on dinners, movies, concerts, etc.. My only concern is getting to know her, and to see if there is chemistry. Never place value on somebody until they deserve it. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/22/2012 4:40:59 PM | | Yes talk on the phone, webcam if possible. Again no brainer. If you are getting to meet anyone, you are way ahead of the game for most guys. The chances of hitting it off with someone from the net are small but it does happen. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/22/2012 5:09:53 PM | | I am a believer in timing and if it is meant to be and you are open to it, someone comes along. Some people wait years and others have multiple opportunities. Just the way it is. Depends on what you have to offer. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/22/2012 5:24:57 PM |
i hate how women are allowed to complain and be frustrated about being single, but men are not
you seem to be doing pretty good at it and no one is stopping you. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/22/2012 5:30:32 PM | | Who said dating is ever easy?? lol. Its hard for alot of people to get the courage and approach others IRL. And even dating online, its basically sales. You gotta have really good pics and a well written profile to get responses or others to write to you first. We can make it happen, we just gotta do it. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/24/2012 5:53:19 PM | | Relationships are work....If you care for someone you will do everything to make them happy as you would hope they would do for you. The problem is it is always a one way street. One will do for a while and then get tired and give up and when the other see that they will try to keep them so they work harder and by that time it is to late. I have been divorced for 7 yrs now and have not found the person that gives me half of what I put into a relationship. Still looking and will never treat anyone like I have been treated... | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:59:21 AM |
women do not need social-skills or conversation-skills in order to attract men or get a boyfriend, i don't get why people disagree with that, after all, it's pretty obvious on which gender has to do all or most of the work in order to make a relationship happen, start.
That's a silly statement. Women with poor social skills are less likely to be approached.. and when approached, they won't know what to do to keep a man interested in the pursuit.
I've seen plenty of pretty fat women that had men all over them. It is called... magnetism/charisma.
Certainly, a woman with weak social skills is going to be in a better position to land in a relationship than a man, simply because the man is supposed to be the initiator in our society. But to say they don't need any social skills? | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:58:28 AM | Certainly one needs to have some kind of filter system. POF msg --> texts --> phone calls --> possible meetup.
I've met up with some men but that was literally like 5% or less out of the total number of people who initially contacted me. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/26/2012 4:07:53 AM | Dating is work...
However, I'm just too lazy to put the effort into making it work (both on here and real life). I have no problem admitting when it comes to dating and relationships...I'm lazy. I believe hard work and dedication will pay off in the workplace, college, military, gym, sports, investments, sales, etc. But investing hard work, time, and energy in women...especially on here??? Hell naw! Most of the ladies I get on here have hit me up first. I may hit up a female with a quick one sentence message. That's all they're getting out of me to break the ice. Time is money; for those women who sit up and say that a"one sentence message isn't going to get a reply"...the hell with em. 9/10 most of em probably not worth the time or effort to interact with anyways. I've sent one liners and have gotten replies back. At most I may send two or 3 sentences...AT MOST!!! If she replies back they are often in awe how much I type. lol If a woman likes your profile and pic(s) she'll respond.
POF is supposed to be something on the side. Problem is that guys on POF put ALLLLLLL their time and effort into this site. Never put all your eggs in one basket. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/26/2012 9:16:22 PM | I average 1 date a year, if it's a "good" year. I have never had multiple dates a week in my entire life. Some of us really are not compatible with others. Girls never talked with me much over the years - be it online or in person. I am not what they want and because of that realization I have completely stopped approaching women in person. I simply wont do it. I have also cut way back on making any effort on this site.
This site is extremely frustrating for men. I have had very limited success with it. After being on here awhile and communicating with numerous women I came to the conclusion that they simply are not serious about finding someone on here. I strongly suggest NOT bothering asking for their phone numbers, Facebooks, or e-mails. Do nothing of the sort. All I learned from that is it just gets you more endless banter with someone you don't even know. It drags on the concept of, "will there ever be a meeting." The longer you talk with someone the worse the chances become that they will ever meet. | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/27/2012 10:00:06 AM | Now that I think of it, I've probably never actually had a date with anyone on here. I have on the other similar site whose name doesn't show up if you try to type it. Has a cupid in it. I dated someone I met there for over a year. Recently I almost met someone else. His profile was difficult to read, he kept looking at mine but not writing. So I wrote to him and I did tell him his was hard to read, told him specific reasons. We wrote a few emails and he wanted to talk on the phone. I didn't really want to but finally agreed to do so. We set up a time and I called him. Talked for 2 hours. 15 minutes was enough to know I did not want to meet him. I've never heard a man talk so much. The next day I sent a polite short message saying talking to him for 2 hours was enough to know I didn't want to meet him! Last night I wrote to another person on that site because they gave us a 99% match rating. I overlooked the fact that a few of the things I say I won't do were on his list of things to do. He wrote back a nice short message saying he didn't want to meet because I don't like motorcycles.
I've been writing to a couple of nice but much too far away men who appeared on my droid app but not on the computer. It's fun as a pen pal thing but I'm unlikely to ever meet them. I would want to if they were much closer.
When people say you meet someone when you are not looking, well except when I'm in a serious relationship, I've never been not looking since I was 12! I'm 63 now. It doesn't get better with age!
Firefly | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/30/2012 9:35:36 AM | | Dating does take work, and it is a numbers game. But there is going to be rejection, and a lot of it. If you don't message any women or talk to any women you aren't going to get any dates. Honestly, men get rejected 9 times out of 10 for many different reasons. If you stop at one it's not going to increase your odds. I dont get a lot of dates, it's a number of reasons, but just gotta keep going. | |
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Fifi47
| | Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 47 | |
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 7/31/2012 9:41:08 PM |
because it is work, anything worth having in life never comes easy
Sort of explains why "the masses" never have any of it now doesnt it?
*Shrugs*
Easy logic
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| Why does dating seem so much like work?
Posted: 8/2/2012 7:09:57 PM |
because it is work, anything worth having in life never comes easy
Sort of explains why "the masses" never have any of it now doesnt it?
*Shrugs*
Easy logic
It may sound good, but it''s not even remotely logical, actually. The problem for some people is that it's more than just hard. The problem for them is when they are afraid it's not going to come at all, not just not come easy. When you are 30, the clock is ticking if you want to have a family, especially for women, but men, too.
Also, it's baloney that anything worth having doesn't come easy, if you think about it for even two seconds. It's pretty easy for me to make some awesome burritos, and believe me, they're worth eating. Also, some people just get born into a rich family and have a cushy life by pure dumb luck. Actually, the last time I got a relationship, it was the easiest thing in the world to get. The trouble was that I had to wait for months and months before the right girl came along, so that it could be that easy. And then, of course, it turned out she wasn't the right girl, now, she's my ex, and I'm back on the prowl.
I'm okay with it being hard. What I don't like is when it's threatening to be impossible. People who are complaining about dating difficulties are usually doing so because they are the odd man out. Their friends can get girls. Why can't they? They see all their friends getting married, having families. The years go by, and pretty soon they are the only ones left single. It can be painful. | |
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