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 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 51
avoiding controlling menPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
According to A. Bernstein, it is rare to find the head of a large company or organization that is not a narcissist. Their strength of vision, single minded purpose, and inherent belief that the world DOES revolve around them is part of what enables them to be as successful as they are. And most of us benefit from them by being carried along in their wake.

And yet, their egocentric needs also brings along their need for recognition and adulation.

And they sincerely believe that they are doing the world, or more so those they chose to care about (those that can suck up to them) a service by elevating them to their status.

It's not just individuals... even countries can be narcissistic.

But to ride along with them brings a high cost of satisfying their ego needs. And they will consume and dominate and demand obedience to the point of obeisance from those who are not wise or strong enough to stand their ground and manage them.

They can be very rewarding... but very demanding as partners.

And please, I am not in anyway justifying outright physical or emotional abuse...but at the root of even those things is an over inflated sense of self importance to the point of objectifying "lesser" people.

Wisdom is in knowing when to work with them, or get them out of your life.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 52
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:14:11 PM
This is definitely not gender specific and the OP wasn’t saying it is.

Controlling behavior comes from fear. The red flags for me are level of respect, tolerance, and maturity. Is he defensive or open-minded? Does he see me as an individual or or does he generalize women? Is he judgmental or a critical thinker? Is he easy to to point fingers or does he go beyond the surface of issues? Is he interested in self growth and self reflection or does he consider those characteristics to be psycho babble?

Most importantly, does he listen to what I say and respect my preferences or does he ignore them and insist on doing things opposite to what I expressed? Does he understand that no means no? I could go on....

Good thread.

Edit: Oh wow there are some great comments here. I read some after I posted mine. I love this here cause it's so true:

Sometimes you can test the mindset by starting an easy casual conversation about something they're not knowledgeable about. Then, if they show zero interest or discomfort, that can be an indicator that they're more interested in showing superiority or authority than in learning or conversing with you or about you.
 Slepyally
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 53
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:21:39 PM
Once you define for yourself what you seek from your relationship if you have not found it in someone you meet then keep walking as there is no point to wasting your life with someone who is not going where you want to go.
 SteveNaive
Joined: 1/10/2011
Msg: 54
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 4:01:44 PM
To artisan law
Hi if you read carefully my last thread I didn't deny I was controlling because i admit if there is something I think is right I will stand my ground with the stubborness of a mule, yes I can be a royal pain in the arse and very opinionated but does that make me a control freak, I've made many mistakes in relationships but I do my best not to repeat them so not to sound controlling but know someone before you judge them and be sure you are living the standard of ethics by which you judge them which I was kinda try to put across in my last thread. So yes in this case passive submissive guy does sound about right but again I know this person as I was one of the "control freaks". FYI We banged heads because neither was able to give ground and in the end we both lost. Isn't labelling someone just a form of control. So back to the actual thread avoidance of people like me a true controller will not show there colours until they have an emotional arm lock on the other person so these people are impossible to spot till they are ready to gain full control. The positioning tells to look out for are the isolation processes from friends and families, questioning changes in routine and attempts to change your appearance ie fattening you up. Then its the time to challange and change this behavior, accept it or walk away as is the choice of the person in said situation because unless you are the person in the situation having to make the choice everybody else is blowing hot air from there ivory towers
 ladyseekinggent
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 55
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avoiding controlling men
Posted: 11/26/2011 5:00:08 PM
Alot of counselors etc will probably say that every person is attracted to certain qualities...and that every person you meet that you are attracted to is because of this...so in the end you date the same person over and over again....and that to change this habit, you have to change yourself....

My belief, is that 'being reclusive' and 'transference ' are a big problem'. You may think you are being honest, kind, polite etc....and if you are....suddenly your date changes...but you don't know why....'rethink your past behaviors, conversations...etc....' what you say, do etc will influence what the person will say or do...in a transference dictated and controlled world....and if they become controlling ...this means to you that they feel offended and become defensive....but what you possibly don't realize is that you were only being reclusive...but they don't know you were reclusive....
I don't know if you are reclusive....but this is my opinion...
So the next date you have...just tell your date that you are more of a reclusive person not dictated by influence...and that the time you spend together...you want him to be himself...and you will be yourself.....then afterwards....go back to what they consider normal.... 'leave the world behind.....then go back to it'
 amalefriend
Joined: 2/11/2012
Msg: 56
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 4:57:04 PM
Nobody has mentioned this. However, it happens to me regularly. By the second or third day I am chatting online with a guy, they start saying, "I saw you online. Do you talk with a lot of other people?" I am guessing this is a beginning sign of controlling. I feel like I am not even dating the person, we are only chatting, have not met, so why do they need to question me on this? I should be able to do what I want at this point. Are there men out there who do not ask this?
 marcus_biggs
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 57
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 5:48:07 PM
what do you mean by controlling?? because some women confuse control

with providing guidance, which is something a man does naturally as well.

have you ever thought that maybe your just an unruly**** that has no regard for the man your with? **** all that independant talk.. you want independance? stay alone.

at the end of the day, people change, evolve and grow. usually, relationships are the mirror so that you can see what needs to change. stop blaming outside forces, and look within yourself, as to why some guys, feel the need to suggest or forcefully say or do things to change you.

on the flipside.

they can also be insecure about you, and all this independence you speak of. actions like paying your bills, etc are good things, nothing wrong with that.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 58
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 7:54:52 PM
Some Men are not the only ones controlling too. There's some of ya females as well. Controlling starts with insecurity and Jealousy. Once those movements start, get out fast.

I had a co-worker tell me she admit to being controlling with her husband, and I'm like he's okay with that? and she's like yes but I make sure I hear him out if he doesn't like something. I'm like fair enough, that's fair.

Controlling is bad when people start acting like they want to restrict you from doing something or barking orders at you.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 59
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/23/2012 8:18:19 PM
This is what you look for from the start at DATE 1.
1. Does he take a genuine interest in your ideas, beliefs, observations. Does he want to hear them? Does he ask you about any of them?
2. How does he talk about the women in his past relationships? Were they completely nasty? Does he admit to any of the things he might have done wrong?
3. Ask him what's his plan for his life. And sit back and listen. Is he arrogant vs confident. Body language.
 amialex
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 60
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/24/2012 6:01:57 AM
Since real controllers tend to be slow & subtle about it I agree with others that you may not be able to spot it early as they will be on best behaviour
As others have mentioned though, how they treat people offering a service ie waiting staff etc can give you insight into how they treat people they might consider less important
How they handle disappointment & disagreement is also crucial, typically controlling types will blame & ridicule rather than excuse or accept
& people who move the goalposts a lot are a total red flag, off & on relationships often do this
But ultimately if your picker is bad get help! Describe things that worry you a little to close friends or the forums for an outside opinion - you dont have to take the advice but keep it in your head if things start to mount up you'll be ready to act
 leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 61
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/24/2012 7:07:36 AM
Someone I know who is controlling and why their relationships fail.....once this person meets a potential partner.... he/she always isolates them from family and friends and sex only happens when he/she wants it ....
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 62
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Posted: 4/24/2012 8:01:48 AM
I agree that there are various levels of controlling and it's hard to know what you're wanting to avoid without a bit more detail. I know that I am naturally quite a controlling person (i'm a perfectionist, tend to have a polarised view of the world and can overreact emotionally to certain things) however it's something I make a conscious effort to be aware of and often just need a few minutes of space to work things out in my head and calm down. There are definitely people who make that easier and people who make that more difficult.

I'm not saying you should put up with a relationship you don't want to be in, but if the rest is otherwise worthwhile, then look at your reactions and see if there is a pattern to why things escalate. Raise the issue with the person you're dating and see whether improvements on both sides could be made.

On the flip side, I've experienced relationships where the controlling began with small snide comments about the way I looked, my leisure activities, my friends, being too "loud" or Over excitable etc and ended up with being both isolated and constantly aware that in their opinion you're never good enough, and you're right- that is not a healthy relationship. I would never now be with someone who didn't seem to really LIKE me. If they don't like how you dress, how you communicate with people, and won't get along with the people who love you then those would all be warning signs to me.
 XheavenandhellX
Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 63
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Posted: 4/24/2012 1:46:50 PM
some really good advice that was given, good thread.

if you say what attracts you to a guy is passion, then you should run, or learn still to notice things with open eyes and not brushing them under the carpet for the sake of passion.

there should be a list where you could add things..

well i would add, if a guy seams to nice to be true, he probably is.
eg. planning loads of romatic stuff and all things which might get you swept away at the beginning.
BUT then try and plan something yourself for the both of you, if the person then tries to avoid taking part in it, says its not really his thing blablabla you can be pretty certain also there is some control issues.

Also later on the person will mirror it on you and call you controlling, manipulative blablabla
this just boils down to, dont expect anything from me, no commitment, no responsibilty, no reliability, no words matching actions.

Oh yeah and as a test, try and see why you feel attracted to certain guys and watch their behavior, what is it that attracts you
 dreamfire
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 64
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Posted: 4/24/2012 3:29:50 PM
IMO, I have found controlling people are lacking in one major characteristic; self-control.

It's a vicious cycle. Being out of control, themselves, in one manner or another, they must control others to feel grounded or gain direction.

I don't believe there is one sure sign, per se. Control freaks can wear many masks and disguises. I've found the easiest way to tell, personally, is to see what their life is like without you present. If it's a perpetual roller coaster of ups and downs, constant failures and 'poor me' games, chances are, it's unhealthy.
 JoeMunch
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 65
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Posted: 4/24/2012 8:25:46 PM
You are part of the equation. You are picking men like this. Work on yourself to get past it.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 66
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Posted: 4/24/2012 8:58:14 PM
Since you seem to be such a magnet for supposed controlling men perhaps it's you who has issues. Maybe you see problems that don't exist & create tension by assuming it.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 67
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Posted: 4/24/2012 10:19:08 PM
I agree with other posters that it usually takes some time to figure these types out, it can be very subtle at the start and you don't want to make assumptions or over-react about the person and thats what they play on. I've encountered a few controlling men over the years, it started out with comments meant to belittle and put me in my place, unwanted opinions on how to live my life and how I should handle certain situations, always being wrong if I didn't follow their advice, who I should associate with, isolating behaviour, jealousy was a large one, then the cheating accusations started near the end. I try and trust my gut reaction to people, it usually isn't wrong and I watch how they treat and speak to other people, particularly sales or restaurant staff and how they have dealt with past relationships, really listening to what and how the person communicates can give some clues to their true personalities.
 yawning1
Joined: 3/22/2012
Msg: 68
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Posted: 4/25/2012 8:26:16 AM
Absolutely true. Last year I had to end a relationship with a woman because she "thought" she was going to tell me what "my" priorities were.....and now she's gone. Oh well, on to the next one.
 yawning1
Joined: 3/22/2012
Msg: 69
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Posted: 4/25/2012 8:29:14 AM
Fear? are you kidding? I know some people who I would consider 'controlling' but it's clearly stemming from greed, self-centeredness, selfishness, and just plain old 'being an ***hole', it has nothing to do with fear.
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 70
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Posted: 4/25/2012 10:33:39 AM
" Fear? are you kidding? I know some people who I would consider 'controlling' but it's clearly stemming from greed, self-centeredness, selfishness, and just plain old 'being an ***hole', it has nothing to do with fear. "

I think that someone who is very controlling has a LOT of fear...fear of losing control. Since they often do not want to work on their own self control, this type often needs to manipulate and position others, as if they were a Show Dog.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 71
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 10:45:22 AM

For me a good indicator is when an adult shows open signs of jealousy, and it is unfounded. IE you gave them no reason to act/feel jealous.


OMG YES!!!!!!!!! I briefly dated a man who knew I am a professional with a schedule that is such, yet he accused me of sleeping with every male client I have.



A man who gets annoyed that you draw other mens eyes by just being yourself...USUALLY has control issues and instead of taking it as a compliment, walk away next time


We would just merely go to Walmart and if we happened to be served by a male employee there, he would automatically accuse me of sleeping with him too.

After about 2 months of that crap, I finally told him to hit the road. - He kept calling and "wanting another chance" but I finally blocked his number and any other means of correspondence.

Haven't heard from him since - Thank God!
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 72
avoiding controlling men
Posted: 4/25/2012 7:09:11 PM
This is an important topic. There is a BIG difference between, 'show me you're the leader by example' vs 'invalidate me, gaslight me, tell me what to do and try to make me feel small so you can pat your huge ego and feel superior or important'. I WANT to yield to the man, but he does need to show me why I should, since I don't need to be rescued or be dependent on him. I tell people upfront that I can't be controlled, I have to come willingly. I have met my share of CEO's that don't get this very important distinction though. Equally, I want THEM to be self-controlled and self-regulating, not expect me to act like their momma or commander!
 blueceleste
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 73
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Posted: 4/25/2012 10:28:26 PM
to the poster, i used to ask myself this all the time. i have a dominant personality and have the "im the boss mentality." in my old ads/profiles, it attracted tons of controlling fools which i found out were controlling later on. im the type of person who doesnt want no bs, just str8 forward, honest, and opinionated - kinda runs in my family. i hated meeting controlling ppl it never works out they always threaten to kill or rape when they didnt get their way as well. they had all kinds of issues yet criticized me for having issues like wtf?!?

i would ask how can attract the right kind of ppl? nobody had an answer for me ppl who know me personally know i am dominant and will tell you off in a heart beat and won't blink an eye doing it! im with someone who isnt controlling and is super nice thank god!
 JSNC7
Joined: 10/31/2010
Msg: 74
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Posted: 4/26/2012 12:28:21 AM
"i would ask how can attract the right kind of ppl? nobody had an answer for me ppl who know me personally know i am dominant and will tell you off in a heart beat and won't blink an eye doing it! im with someone who isnt controlling and is super nice thank god! "

You may not like my answer. As I understand it, control is an illusion, unless someone allows you to have it over them, or you refer to self control. I don't see control as strength, because without that control over others, one does not have that interaction of dominance, and submission. Again, this is only my experience, and how I see these dynamics, as they are played out. Others may have different opinions; I don't speak for them.

I have nothing against you, no previous interaction with you, nor do I know you. I have known controlling people who can't stand being alone, because they have no one 's life to run, other than their own. My first hand observations are that it's a fear of not having that control, any longer. In other words, a fear of losing that control. You may find some truth in this that applies to you, or you may not. You could also do some internet research, and come up with your own conclusions.

There have been threads, and some serious contributions about nice guys.

OP, I avoid toxic interactions with controlling types of people, whenever possible.
 Drew4u59
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 75
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Posted: 4/26/2012 8:27:01 AM
a PERSONS reality is in there own mind /fantasy... most things happen for a reason and if one isnt humble enough to see the potential opportunity to learn and fine tune ones personality, quirks, self righteousness etc etc then karma will just drag you back through it all until one learns what one needs... Im just saying lol
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