| | Emotionally Abusive motherPage 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I'm not the same way with my mother, but we REALLY don't get along very well and usually have arguements with each other.
When I was 17 my parents would fight with each to the point where I thought they were going to divorce. As much as i've longed for this to happen (no, i'm not sadistic) I couldn't bear to wish it upon my younger sister and I wouldn't want anything to come to hurt her. I've given up my own Guardian Angel so that it could protect her. I don't ever want her to see the things or experience the lifestyle that I have... Thank the Lord that she's in good hands.
So I left...I moved in with my brother and his wife until I was stable to move out on my own. And yeah, I might have still traveled down the wrong path, but somewhere along the line I got my act together. I think that's the best solution, sometimes when you live with somebody and you spend so much time with them you get a difference of opinions, and you start to heat up against each other.
I know that my mother's issues came from her alcoholic PHYSICALLY abusive father, and that I've had to deal with her issues for a long period of time, and courageously broken I've vowed to never become an alcoholic, because I don't want anybody else to go through the experiences that my mother did. So I don't drink...sometimes i'd really like to, but I know that it's only a temporary fix to your hurt, and being an ex-cokehead I know that nothing takes away the pain but love and time.
OP; you're a beautiful woman. It's not a mother-daughter conflict at all. It's a stressed out person conflicting with themselves, you're only the target of the conflict because you're the only one there is. Don't take it offensively, i'm next to positive that she will eventually come to her senses and apologize. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/26/2011 7:34:17 PM | Wow.....my mother is the same as well. I am blown away but comforted by so many people relating their similar experiences to the OP. I finally concluded, as said above, that my mother is bipolar. Sounds like I'm right. Still doesn't heal the wounds though, does it you guys? When you're a little kid, even if you did know that your own mother was technically mentally challenged, it still wouldn't help you not be damaged by the regular onslaught of abuse, meanness, craziness. Every day I fight against what her treatment has done to me. And she still won't get help either. Thinks nothing is wrong with her. The whole thing is unbelievably sad, draining, frustrating, futile.
What also fascinates me is how in the first place did all these incredibly damaged women nevertheless have no problem finding a man to love them and stay around long enough to have kids with them, when gentle loving people sometimes have such a hard time finding someone to be with? I know that's kinda off-topic but I'm always wondering that, especially when I see women around me in real life who are mean abusive horrors with never a shortage of some incredibly loving, devoted men willing to go to any lengths to prove their love for such she-beasts lol.
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/26/2011 7:56:10 PM | I have often wondered the same thing that KittenCatt does about these abusive women. How they manage to land and keep nice men. I was raised by one too. She was physically/verbally abusive. Would take a piece of lint spotted on a vacuumed rug to earn me a slap across the face because I obviously lied about vacuuming. Beltings were common place. As the eldest daughter I took the brunt of what-ever was ticking her off at the time.
As one poster said
And just because they are blood doesn't mean they are always good for you
I found a book called "Toxic Parents" to be helpful. Can't name the auther because I loaned the book out.
I dealt with it by leaving home at the first opportunity and never going back. They live an hour away, but I only go there a couple times a year. Phone calls don't happen very often. I needed to keep distance between her and I.
As for getting her to a doctor to get help or meds....well, good luck with that. Seriously. If she is willing great. In my experience suggesting she may have a problem causes even more anger. Unless they recognize their problem and are willing to seek help, then there's nothing you can do to force them to get it.
The best you can do is what most of these folks have been saying. Do what you can to increase your income. Share an apartment if you need to. Do what you can to get out of your mom's home as you have to tippy toe around while you are there. Once you are out, keep a little distance if she continues the abuse.
And...depending on its' effect on you...maybe seek help for yourself. You were lucky that it started at 16, maybe the scars won't be as deep. I am still dealing with the effect of how I was raised. Might have something to do with who I chose for my 3 marriages... | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/26/2011 8:03:22 PM | ^^^^^ So much in that post I can relate to. I think "Toxic Parents" 's author is Susan Forward.
The best you can do is what most of these folks have been saying. Do what you can to increase your income. Share an apartment if you need to. Do what you can to get out of your mom's home as you have to tippy toe around while you are there. Once you are out, keep a little distance if she continues the abuse.
This really resonated with me. You are so right. Someone in that situation, though no doubt beaten very down by the abuse, which ironically makes it harder to get out, does need to get away from it ASAP.
What's healing me is the stabilty I've found from one person, the only man I've ever known who wants nothing from me for years now but friendship. That stability has helped heal the horrendous, jagged, massacred holes inside me. I truly believe that sort of emotional healing extends to healing one's brain too - so that it can heal from the chemical damage that extreme anxiety and fear caused.
The key is to get away from the source of abuse, and either be somewhere neutral or healing. And like CarpeOmnia said, I am too still healing even tho I'm thousands of miles and years away from my abusive mother. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/26/2011 8:15:35 PM | Yes....Susan Forward is the author. I remember quickly pulling that book off my shelf and hiding it when the parents would come to visit. Visions of what would occur if that title was spotted caused a wee bit of panic.
...and I was an independent adult then | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/26/2011 10:28:02 PM | Well, Walking Tall, I suppose I must live in a Hallmark Movie Special as well, because it helped my situation as too. Once I let my stepmom know she could only push me so far, she backed off. Some people are like that, they push you as far as they possibly can, and the only way to get them to stop is by letting them know you're not allowing it any more.
I'm not saying we have a perfect relationship and are besties and call each other all the time, but she learned she had to at least show me some respect and I wasn't going to put up with the name calling, books being thrown at me, grabbing me, etc... | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/26/2011 10:47:28 PM | /shrug
Good for you. I personally don't think that is the best of advice when she's in a position right now that if it were to blow up on her she can't easily remove herself from the situation.
Like I said once she's in a better position financially I can understand confronting it head on. Right now that's rather risky. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/26/2011 11:59:26 PM | Something that might help with healing the emotional wounds is forgiveness.
I'm not saying that abuse in any form is acceptable but that the abuser is unhealed themselves.
I believe this generation is still feeling the effects of war. Many grandfathers returned from the horror of war traumatized. In those times there wasn't any sort of help or awareness so many turned to alcohol to escape their pain. They transferred their pain to the next generation and so on. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/27/2011 1:44:19 AM | OP, first off: why do you NEED to live with your parents? I moved out when I was 17 and never needed to live with my parents, no matter what my financial situation. I lived with roommates or in tiny apartments, even if I was on unemployment, working part time, going to school, whatever. I put myself through 6 years of university w/o taking any money from my parents or living with them. I just say this because you are willing to live in an abusive environment because you say you can't afford not to. I don't believe it, not even given the economic situation the US at this time. Get out of there. Find a roommate situation, even if you have to share a studio apartment with another girl, which is something I once did. I would have never considered living with my parents as an adult. Never.
Your mother has major personality issues. I wouldn't put up with it at all. There is no way of dealing with someone like this, and you cannot expect her to change. You are either and a target or you get out. Tell her you think she's a bully. Tell her she needs counseling. Tell her you are leaving and will not be involved with her until she changes how she speaks to you. One reason she feels she can speak to you like that is because you are dependent on her. Stop being dependent on her. Grow up and be a woman, be your own woman.
One last point, are your photos current? Because in all of them you look slender, not at all overweight. Is your mother totally crazy or have you gained significant weight since those photos were taken? If they are not honest, take them down
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/27/2011 4:15:37 AM | Sounds like another chemically imbalanced, bipolar type to me. If so, there is no rational process that can help, since bipolars never retain either their apparent hatred of you, or their apparent love for you for any long time.
All you can do if she's that kind, is tolerate it as best you can, until you can get away. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/27/2011 7:22:31 AM | OP…… MOVE OUT!
Your mom will not change, unless you disable her attacks on you. The only way to do that is to vacate her house. Do not let the excuse of having money problems hold you back from seeking other accommodations. Do some of that living outside of the box, you spoke about in your profile.
If you do not move out the attacks will only increase and continue. Your mom might be depressed due to the death of her dad. But that would still not explain her attacks on you since the age of 16. My guess is she is only using her dad’s death as an excuse for the abuse you are experiencing.
Just because she is your mom, does not give her the right to be abusive to you. You do deserve respect and you will have to confront your mom on this. If she freaks on you, you will have to follow through with the consequences and turn around and walk away. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/27/2011 8:41:01 AM | Your mother is toxic, abusive, & she will never change. The only solution is to improve your financial situation & move out. My adoptive mother called me terrible names that damaged me & were a huge blow to my self esteem. I had no sense of self worth or any confidence. I made bad decisions that were based on how I felt about myself. I believed all of the lies that she said about me. I desperately sought love, guidance, advice, & all I ever got were mean words, abuse & rejection. Then one day I realized that her words about me were all lies. It has taken years to undo the damage from her. You are not morbidly obese! Learn to give yourself the things that you need. Set clear boundries, tell your mother you aren't going to talk to her when she is insulting you & hurting your feelings. Try to lose the weight, you feel better about yourself. Start to walk for 10 minutes a day, it will improve your mood right away, & make small changes in your diet. You will start to see results, & that will give you the encouragement to make even more improvements in your life. Oh, & if you can, get a tv for your room, make that your santuary, so you can go there to escape when she is in one of her bad moods.
Thanks for mentioning the books, I'll be getting them. Thanks for the honest comments from everyone about their experiences, I can relate to so many things said here! It eases the pain when you realize you are not alone, there are others who have been through this, too. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/28/2011 12:11:13 AM | my mom and i never got a long (still don't at my age) she hated her daughters but not her son. her own kids dont want nothing 2 do with her. one friend of mine told me ur mom has major personality issues i said my mom (and dad) would NEVER seek counseling as "the man" is trying to get into their biz and ruin them and feel counseling is a load of crap. my grandma treated my mom the same way she treated her own children and my mom is giving the same abuse to us.
she doesnt care about the hurt she caused us my mom has been in denial ever since we were all born. i told my bf denial, been living in it for so long that denial is actually reality for my mom and he said i agree. ppl hate my mom cuz of how she is as a person but insists i am a nice person lol yea ook. she wants to fight over petty crap complaining im not focusing on my life i said i u never did always worrying about what dad and his hoe always do, why not divorce him, sue them, and send them to prison for fraud? then u would have peace in ur life! i told her u 2 were never role models for us, always lying cant keep jobs always fired from them and u barely worked a day in ur life always depended! i got cursed out for that one.
i read a book called toxic parents by lilian glass great book. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 11/28/2011 4:18:27 AM | Sound like my mom too. I had an accident once and I have a scar in my nose. She always metion this. What I do is to attack her. I tell her how old she is and how ugly she is.
My first language is not English, just that you know | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 5/28/2012 6:15:17 AM | http://forums.plentyoffish.com/15315590datingPostpage3.aspx
^^ So 6 months later you again start a thread saying the same stuff.
You still gonna be 'owning' this drama 6 more months from now?
Time to get working on the problem.
I'm not real sure if it's just 'money situation' keeping you at home now.
I think it's a bit more than that. An inability to finish growing up.
You were given advice here.. you are being given advice on the new thread..
but something tells me you'll be back repeating in another 6 months. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 5/28/2012 6:51:36 AM | | I'm sorry you have to go through that. BTW, I think you're very attractive, obviously she is just trying to hurt you. Thats not true at all. I had an abusive mother myself, I don't know if she's alive or dead, I haven't seen her in years and I don't care. She used to say stuff, like "I was just a piece of shit that needed to be flushed" That if I died, she wouldn't have a funeral she's have a celebration that she wanted to wear a bag over her head when she picked me up from school so no one would know she was the mother of a ****ing retard like me" Thats just a few, and it started when I was very young, at the age of 5, I didn't even understand what half those things meant but i knew they were hurtful. When she couldn't hurt me enough with words, she used her fists or the nearest blunt object. When that wasn't enough she would go get my dad worked up into a frenzy and he would burst in the room in a fit of rage and smack me up and down the house. My dad did almost kill me of few times, chocked me till I blacked out and I thought I was dead. My parents left years ago a when I was in my teens... my whole family broke up and went separate ways, honestly my parents did me a favor. I never think about them or miss them much. So here's the bitter pill to swallow? Why don't you just leave? She's the one that will suffer, I think she needs you a lot more then you need her. I know you love her and it's hard to give advice on this because I have no feelings for my parents. But it let to me being in relationships with abusive women, because I thought it was normal for a women you love to just insult and hurt you all the time. Separate yourself. Sorry if thats the best advice I can give. Head up beautiful :) You don't deserve this. Sorry you have to go through this, I hope she comes to her senses and realizes she has a wonderful daughter who loves her and may just loose that. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 5/28/2012 5:06:11 PM | My advice is to do better for yourself, stop depending on your parents for shelter food what have ya...and move on with your life.
I don't condone her behavior, but I hold you responsible for not doing for yourself. I have not looked at your profile, don't know if your attending college, by chance your not. If this is so, there would be no reason why you should be at home.
I sometimes use my kids in forums, and I try not to but this is my situation with my oldest. She's nineteen, been working every since she graduated, she's been through some jobs, but has stayed with them for at least a year. She goes to school full time. I may also add, although she's nineteen, she graduated from high school two years ago.
She bought her own car, pays me rent and buys what ever she needs for herself, plus buys her siblings things they would like.
DO SOMETHING | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 5/28/2012 5:08:32 PM | That sucks.
My mom is like that with me sometimes. She'll
tell me my butt is too big or that I should dress better.
She'll tell me how I'm 25, and the clock is ticking...
and I should have a kid or else I'll be an old maid.
She'll even criticize what I cook, even though
she'll eat it all and sometimes have seconds lol.
I just ignore it, and zone out lol tbh.
I won't argue with her, bc shes my mother...I show respect.
However,I keep the interaction with her to a minimum. lol | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:30:53 PM | | I can tell you that estrangement from immediate family is livable and it gets better over time as you build a healthier network. I can't see your situation getting better without major intervention and desire on your mom's part. Get away and stay away. The damage created is hard to get over. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 6/16/2012 10:00:28 PM | Your mother is mentally ill. Is there someone besides u that cam talk to her and take her to.a DR
like right away. I looked at your profile
You are beautiful and don't even overweight in your pictures
All u can do is limit the time u spend around her | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 6/17/2012 2:57:54 AM | | I never understood how a mother could be jealous of her daughter. I am so sorry you are enduring this; however, you're almost thirty and at this age, you should not be tolerating anybody's shit - not even your mother's. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 6/17/2012 3:58:15 AM | | I think people who have not lived through this cannot possibly understand why you are still there or why you went back to the fire. As a child, it was what you learned, what was the norm. It was how you lived day in and day out, and you learned to experience everything via that twisted reality. It is called dysfunction for a reason. "Children learn what they live" and that was your reality. That you are now able to stand up and question this is a sign that you are becoming familiar with what is healthy. Please try to get out as soon as you can. Work on you, get safe distance between you and your Mother. Decide what you will and will not tolerate so you can set "healthy boundaries". Be self aware that this was how you were raised and take care when you are seeking a partner. You are beautiful, hope you know that. | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 6/17/2012 4:52:58 AM | I think part of what the OP is lamenting is not so much the living arrangements per se, but that she really doesn't have a MOTHER in the true sense of the word. She has a woman who gave birth to her, but did not MOTHER her. Even in the animal kingdom, MOTHERS love & protect their young.
What is equally despicable is the Fathers who are weak & enabling who allow their wife to be such a monster, if they are around.
This is why I take such issue w/ mean women, even online ;0P
LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE, AND I AM LIVING WELL! | |
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| Emotionally Abusive mother
Posted: 6/17/2012 8:26:00 AM | | Have you tried getting in her face and screaming at her? People will treat you with the respect that you demand. | |
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