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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?      Home login  
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 Monsters Mama
Joined: 3/9/2009
Msg: 26
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
The kids are old enough that the truth will only help them to make their own decision. You just have to be calm enough that you can tell them the honest truth! Yes, let them know that it hurts you, but in the long run, this is better for everyone.
I lived through this situation from this kids' position. My father cheated on my mother, finally left her, and is married to the woman he was cheating with. I hated him with all my might for years because he hurt my mom. We had a bit of a struggle getting through the following months, but I came to realize that it was the best thing he could have ever done for any one us. He and mom weren't happy together anymore, somewhere their relationship had gone wrong. I held on to my vengeance, even when I had to chaperone my younger brother on a trip down to meet her at our grandparents' home. I actually liked her, still hated him, but liked her, and the best part: I gained a sister. My mom was starting to live her life, and become an individual again after 14 years. And during one of her girls' nights, she met the most wonderful stepfather I could ever ask for. She would never have met him, if "dad" hadn't cheated and left. My mom has now been remarried for 6 years, dad has been remarried for 7, I have a total of 4 step-siblings, and life looks great for everyone! :) I love BOTH sides of my family, and am happy, in the aftermath, that dad realized he wasn't happy and changed things for us. I do wish he had left before he started cheating, but what's done is done, we can't change it now, only move forward!
You, miss, need to stop allowing your bitterness to weigh in how you present this to your children. Yes, you do have the right to be bitter! But, you do have to show your children how we can, as amazing and strong people, face our problems and find a solution. Your two oldest children most likely know much more than you think about the situation and need your guidance on how to deal with their feelings about it. You need to show them that life does go on, and WE determine how WE live OUR lives, not anyone else!
 purplroze
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 27
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 12:18:47 AM
oh i totally feel for you! i went through the same thing..ex was cheating with the neighbor across the street, she is now living in MY home (that i used to entertain her and her family in) along with her 4 kids. my son (who will be 14 this month) found out before i did, he kinda let the cat out of the bag. As far as telling your kids? i wouldnt, because your ex and mistress are going to go out of their way to win the kids over, and by telling them negative things about them, it will only make you the bad guy...just love them and spend quality time with them...trust me, the novelty of the new relationship will wear off, just be consistent, and your kids will love you for you! Best of luck to you!
 purplroze
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 28
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 12:24:37 AM
great advice!!! i especially like your epiphany..wish i couldve read this when i first found out about my ex!
 trplfire39
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 29
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 8:38:21 AM
notgenericjen- don't lie to your kids, if they have questions, answer them honestly. You don't have a relationship with your husband anymore but you will have a relationship with your kids until you die...you know your children better then we do, go with your heart.
Good luck! :D
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 30
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 8:50:40 AM

His Whore is optional.


I hate to break this to you, as a woman whose ex cheated and set up home with the 'lady' concerned, no she isn't. The family court, when you get there, will also tell you the same thing.

YOU no longer have a say in whom he chooses to mix with. His time with his children is just that. He can introduce them to whomever he wishes to. You don't get a say in how in runs his life anymore. The only time that changes, is if he is putting them at risk. You will not be allowed to set conditions for his access to the children which effect his day-to-day living.

Is that tough when you think his choices may be damaging to your children ? Yes. There is no tougher position to be in. Thankfully, your children are older. They will watch out for their younger sibling when she is away from her home.

There is NOTHING you can do to stop this woman being in your children's lives - and by trying to intervene with this situation, you would be putting yourself in the wrong.

You don't have to like this situation but you do have to accept it. Show your children how to deal with it in an adult manner. Show your children that you are going to conduct yourself with class. Keep your mouth shut. They will draw their own conclusions from the evidence they are faced with.

Sure - you don't like his new lady. Sure, you have reasons not to. But rise above them and realize that this might be the making of your family. Things will not return to normal - but you will, with a positive attitude, find a new normal. Wouldn't it be wonderful, in time when you are over the hurt, to know that your children have two homes ? Two sets of adults looking out for their interests ? You can do this - you have no choice.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 31
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 9:42:52 AM

i would tell you to listen to your therapist.



I admit part of my motive is that I don't want them to like her. I really don't feel that she deserves the affection of the children who's childhood she helped ruin. For those who say my focus should be on their father I have this to say..... They have to love their father and they have to see their father for their own happiness and wholeness. His Whore is optional.


Again......

i would tell you to listen to your therapist


There will be a time and place for all of this to come out,,,but, right now is not it. It's not easy taking the "high road"(why most can't or won't) but, it usually is the "right" thing to do(0ne of the things you say you want,,,correct?????). Don't worry, you will get your "pay back",but, it will affect your children again. Their feelings will be involved,but, when the time comes, your ex and his girlfriend will have to deal with it.

No matter what you think about "protecting" your children, they will feel this pain. Taking that "high road" will ease this pain a bit, and that's about all ya can do with this one. I know it's tough,cause you are feeling what most of us did with an ugly break up. I personally kept my mouth shut in front of my daughter about my feelings for my ex and her boyfriend(6 months while we were together). My daughter had to find out another way, which she did, and both of those two paid. Not much fun, but, my daughter didn't point her finger at me for the pain that she had to go thru.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 32
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 12:07:07 PM
I think all your 'what ifs' are creating far more drama than the situation requires. You're getting divorced, what you had with their father is over and you have to start parenting together. Your sense of right and wrong is severely being tested by your ego.
Your kids (16 and 13) are not stupid, they will figure this out pretty quickly especially since you have been acting like a nut calling the GF and telling her how she wrecked your family. They already know Dad screwed up and you are royally pissed off. They'd have to be blind deaf and dumb not to.
The 8 year old will act like and 8 year old and defer to the older siblings for guidance. Do not be surprised if the female children side with you and the males defend Dad.
But by all means stay out of his life and start building your own again. You are spending far too much energy obsessing over imaginary scenarios and conversations. Let it go.
 lacalli
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 33
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 2:56:43 PM
The kids are old enough that the truth will only help them to make their own decision.

No they are absolutely not old enough. Your words disgust me. Truly. I rarely post deeply personal things on here but here's one before the OP totally ****s up her kids lives. My dad screwed around big time. My mother told me in great detail when I was a child and it made me unfairly hate my father (there were two sides as there always are) destroyed the family and ruined my chances to trust men completely for years and years of my life. Only a manipulative piece of shit would pull her innocent children into her marital problems. Kids know when parents are having problems all they need to understand is it isn't their fault and has nothing to do with them and they will be safe and taken care of and loved by both parents.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 34
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 3:51:49 PM
I admit part of my motive is that I don't want them to like her.

that's cool, now we are waiting for you to admit that your petty personal motivations are more important to you than the psychological well-being of your own children.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 35
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 4:26:41 PM
He plans to lie and not tell them that he cheated or that she helped him end our marriage


I wouldt want them to know that detail either.

They wil hate the dad, and her OR see you as the loser (with her as the champion)

As is; you have the best of buddy (the girls) and freedom to live your life away from pain and deception. Your hubby will f*ck her over ins omeway too, and likely when she is too odl to have much choice of a new man. (She'll get hers) :)

;) Karma's a sharpshooter girl.

And to be honest, my 8 year-old daughter will probably fall in love with her because she does that with every one of my brother's girlfriends


BIG difference between "uncles girlfriends" and "dads girlfriend" <----HUGE.

Be good to your kids, keep on keepin on, and you should be very ok.

How am I supposed to handle questions from my kids? Am I supposed to lie for them?


I doubt you will ever even get in a position where that decision needs to be made, unless you open that proverbial can of worms.

I'm going to be the one that gets the questions and the crying.


Dad very much may also. However; dad will also, rightly, get any "hate" and"resent" which exists.

You will not.

This might just be the silver lining in this situation. If she has a wish to be a mother role and there is not an option of her having her own children, she will take on your children and love them.


Yet......never be able to replace you. :)

Is finding out their father cheated better than finding out he lies to them?


I'd bet you $100.00 your kids will find that out on their own. Again; you are going to win that one too.

Kids, that age, are generally not inherrently stupid when it comes to humans. (especially ones they know well)


now we are waiting for you to admit that your petty personal motivations are more important to you than the psychological well-being of your own children.


You may want to wait on the end of the world instead. I get the impression that one may come first for ya. ;)

If the kids see that dad and his gf are more focused on self, then them, do you think they will love them as much as you? (um....not)

I agree with those who trust the wisdom of your therapist; I do too



 Gitter63
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 36
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 7:27:19 PM
I have to reluctantly agree with 98% of the posters here and your therapist. Take the high road on this one. Deflect any questions or concerns on him.

I know you're angry and hate her for ruining the family, but she didn't pursue him, he made the choice to be with her. HE ruined your family. His consequences have actions and they should be that he answers all of your childrens hard questions and deals with their anger. He's the ass.

You have a long road of healing ahead of you. Don't make it longer or harder by having to heal rifts in your relationships with your kids too. This is ALL on him.

My daughter's father decided to come back into her life 10 years after he dumped my pregnant ass on a bus back to Toronto. He's not perfect, his family isn't perfect but he's her dad and he's trying to be one for her. I don't have to like him but I really REALLY try not to let her see that. It's a control thing. You're a good mother and want to protect your kids. That's entirely normal to feel that way but don't let your feelings for him and what he's done factor into your decisions. I know.. hard to do right now, but you will realize in the long run that you were the better person in all of this and they will see it too!! Good luck.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 37
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/3/2011 7:48:52 PM
What exactly are you going to tell them? That Dad doesn't love you anymore, that you were unable to keep him happy so he went looking elsewhere? There are a million things to tell them...there are also more reasons than the ones that seem so glaringly obvious. Cheaters cheat. Husbands fall out of love. Wives find other avenues to tickle their fancy. Ya it hurts...and it completely and totally sucks. Is it fair of you to pour your heartache and anger onto your children?
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 38
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 6:29:24 AM
Sorry to hear of the affair. No, I dont think it is good to air your dirty laundry to your kids. Listen to your therapist. Eventually it will probably come out when they are older.
 OzzGirl22
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 39
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 11:32:53 AM
I have been in your shoes as both the child and the mother When I was little my mother always trash talked my dad when it turned out that she was the one that had the affair. I figured it out in my late teens and resented her for a long time for it.

When my ex had an affair and then married the gal six months after our divorce it was VERY hard to not say anything when the kids would come home all excited after spending time with them.

I kept my mouth shut and eventually my kids figured it out. Your kids will not be mad at you for not telling them. They will lose respect for him and her and will have more for you in the long run.

It may take a couple years to all come out but it will work out in the end. Sometimes it is a pain to always be the bigger person but you can do this.

Fortitude Sister!
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 40
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 11:41:47 AM
All I can tell you is this.

While it is super hard to bite your tongue in regards to the father of your children...doing so will pay off hugely when they grow up.

My ex ran his mouth off in front of our son, with so many lies and hate so many times, I cannot even count. Basically, he could never accept that I left because I was unhappy. He always believed I had a man waiting in the wings. (I did not and years later, me still being single...he finally admits he MAY have been mistaken...lol).

He said such things constantly in front of our son.

I only told my son that his Dad had his facts incorrect. I did not retaliate or sling any mud in his Dads direction. (it killed me inside NOT to try and set the story straight, but I also felt this was not stuff for children to endure) Mind you, his Dad was re married two weeks after we divorced.

Here we are over 10 years later, my son is a young man.

My son can remember seeing and hearing his Dad put me down a lot of times. He is very angry about that. On the other hand, he has no memory of me defaming his Dads character. My son also knows, that there was never any man in my life because he was with me and I was not with a man!...But- can recall his Dads short lived second marriage. He was witness to his Dads words, not matching his Dads actions.

Who do you think our son feels safer talking to today? Yes, me. He knows his dad will inflame everything and gossip. That is what his Father actually taught him with his actions. They struggle to maintain any relationship. My son is very hurt by all of the things he had to hear about. The name calling etc is forever in his memory, and I am his mother for gawds sake.

It was extremely hard to take the high road during those years, and many a friend and relative tried to guide me otherwise.... but I can tell you, it is SO worth it later on. Your therapist is correct.

One day, the kids will figure all of this out. It wont matter if they grow to like the other woman, when they figure out what she did, what Daddy did, and they recall you handling it with grace and class...they will know!! Let them have the gift of being kids for now. There is time later for adult things, and now is not thier time.
 notgenericjen
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 41
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 12:30:29 PM
Again, thanks to everyone who responded. Each and every view point helped and you guys talked me off the ledge, so to speak. I'm not planning on telling them. I'm not going to lie either. They aren't stupid and I'm sure the older two will know or strongly suspect. I'm not sure what I'll say but it will be something like "ask him." or "you're father has made some bad decisions but he's still your father."

All this is due to go down after Christmas and I think the build up has been getting to me like one responder said.

Good news: I went to the lawyer the other day and I'm guaranteed alimony and child support so things are looking good. I'll file in January and take my future in my own two hands.

thanks
Jen
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 42
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 12:37:42 PM
Well said femaleconnection - That's EXACTLY how I see it too.

**EDIT**
Jenn - It takes practice but please don't say "you're father has made some bad decisions but he's still your father." It's still negative and judgmental.

I will give you a useful tip - Nothing that you are asked requires an immediate answer or action. If you need time to respond, simply state that. You can then take time to choose your words.


 74ofme
Joined: 11/17/2011
Msg: 43
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 12:47:39 PM

I think the build up has been getting to me like one responder said.


I truly sympathize. My boyfriend has pointed out to me that I spend an unreasonable amount of time stressing and worrying over things that have not happened, and may not occur the way I am imagining.

I do know that it has taken me a very long time to learn how to allow my children to have their own relationships with their fathers. My teenaged daughter is learning now about who her dad is. It makes me so angry-- to watch her go through this. But it is hers. My opinion does not matter.
For me-- I take care of my children. I act and treat people in a manner that I want my children to learn. I can sleep at night, knowing that I am doing my best by them.
 enz0088
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 44
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 6:19:19 PM
I wish you the best! One thing I learned for certain is kids are very quick to see through lies. They take what you say as the truth but, as time goes on, they notice inconsitancies and remember. If your ex and his girl are as dishonest as you say.. the kids will certainly pick up on it without you saying anything. If they ask you..tell them the truth... the truth being you are not allowed to discuss your ex with them. That the court says you cant talk about him unless it is directly about kids/arrangements. Kids understand when authority tells you not to do something.
Let them make up their own minds and just be the stable one in their lives. With the holidays comming up stress is up a few notches. Enjoy your kids and feel better knowing they are with you and he is missing out on all the little things he will regret not being there for. Again... best to you..
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 45
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/6/2011 6:26:24 PM
You know you are doing the right thing when it is difficult and feels like crap.

Isn't life fun like that. Just about everything that feels good, is fun, or that you want to do is pretty much bad for you. When it is truly the right thing to do, it hurts.

What the kids don't know won't hurt them. When they ask, if they ask, tell them the general truth. No gory details filled with emotion. Just the facts jack. As they grow older and ask the follow up questions... give them the courtesy of respecting their intelligence.

The unwritten rule of life. Your feelings don't matter :)

It usually works out for the best and things happen in their own time. You can’t always control it.
 Full_of_Grace67
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 46
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/8/2011 6:05:43 AM
I'm amazed at how many ppl out there have similar situations! It's so sad but also somehow, comforting?

Jen - I will add myself to that list...I had almost EXACTLY the same situation! I will not bore you with the details but when my ex moved in with his "mistress" right after the separation, I was horrified! 2 days after I found out about the cheating I went right to her and said (very dignified) "Please just give us a little time to heal as a family" I didn't think we would necessarily get back together but I needed her to respect our marriage and give us some space....She said she would absolutely do that, then less than a week later they were together again and subsequently moved in together a month after that.

That was 3 years ago....Do I still hate her and will I always?? HELL yes, but...*sigh* my kids love her and there is nothing I can do about it, nor should I. At least she is good to them and I will not ruin that to purge my anger.

As far as lying; I disagree with some of the posters. Sometimes you have to tell "white lies" to protect the kids....The hardest part of this was when my daughter told me she loved this woman. It was like someone had cut my heart out. She then asked "Do you like her? Do you still love daddy? I would love for her to be my step-mother" Now she and her twin brother are 7 so my only reply was this "I don't know her very well but I'm sure because you and your dad love her she is a good person...Yes I love your daddy because he is your father. If they get married I will be happy for him and it's ok for you to love her and want her as part of the family...."

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes taking the high road SUCKS but we all do what we must to protect our children and ultimately ourselves...The double edged sword is this: I take some comfort in the fact that since he left and cheated on me AND his first wife, he will do it to her too. The flip side is that someday my kids will lose her too and be devastated, again

It is not my place to tell them anything negative because someday they will find out on their own and I will be there to comfort them no matter what...They (like yours) are precious, innocent bystanders in this and deserve the utmost respect and unconditional love.

Let it go honey. It can only cause you pain..Karma and God will take care of them; just take care of yourself and the kids.

Blessings to you and good luck!

P.S. Try a support group of women with the same issues as you. It is such a wonderful way to connect with ppl and receive the comfort and closure you need
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 47
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/8/2011 10:01:24 AM
So in other words, your therapist has recommended that you LIE to your kids in order to help propogate the LIE your soon-to-be-ex and his concubine are going to tell them?

That's a great therapist you've got there.

And when the kids eventually find out the truth (and we all KNOW they will) how do you think they'll feel when they find out that YOU, TOO, lied to them?

If your husband and his new 'girlfriend' want to be a scumbag, that's on them. You, however, shouldn't be made to stoop to their level.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 48
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/8/2011 10:07:38 AM
So in other words, your therapist has recommended that you LIE to your kids in order to help propogate the LIE your soon-to-be-ex and his concubine are going to tell them?


Do you have any small children or grandchildren?

Here's what I want you to do. Walk up to them, and tell them mom and dad and grandma (as well as their dog sparky) are going to die, and go away.



Wouldnt want to lie right?

It's called "tact"
 Full_of_Grace67
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 49
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Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/8/2011 10:46:47 AM
I have to agree with Sweetlil here Jersey Girl...Take it easy on this woman. She is confused and upset and is reaching out to get advice and sympathy. There is no reason or room for snarkyness...
 DSMTraveler
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 50
Kids about to meet husband's mistress. Do I tell them?
Posted: 12/8/2011 10:50:01 AM
I've been divorced for about 4 years with a 9-year old son.

The only thing I can suggest is never lie to your children.
Never support any one else's lie.
But, you don't have to tell them all the malingering little details.
Separate your anger and hurt from your children but let them know this is not their fault.
Do let them know that your hurt and pain are pretty normal, even if you no longer love him.
Let them know that they'll have hurts also and you'll be there to listen.
Re-arrange house rules (a good idea to do yearly anyway) and let them know that your rules will be different than rules when they're in his house.

Some phrases I found useful:
"That's a grown-up thing that I'll explain when you're ten." (or twenty or thirty; give them an exact age otherwise they'll ask every day or every week)
"I don't like her but you can if you want to."
"I know you want to understand but not everything can be explained."
"I couldn't live with some things your father did." This leads to the inevitable "What did he do?" You can explain if you wish. I only told my son "he lied about things that were important to me."

And always remind them.
"You're my child and I love you."

Good luck in this situation.
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