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| | An ex gets cancer, what would you do?Page 4 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) |
Actually just dealt with this. My daughter's father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We have had a "rocky " past to say the least but I did take him to alot of his Dr's visits and consulted with the Dr and radiologist on occasion because I have experience in the medical field. I would pick up his Rx's and sometimes do some of his errands when he was going through radiation because of the lethargy side effect. Not everyone is like me but I am that person that can put things aside and do the "right" thing when needed. I am happy to say that he is doing well and over his radiation with a "clean bill of health" for now but there is always the possibility of it returning. For the sake of our daughter I would be there again if needed.
That's pretty admirable. I don't know if I would get AS involved, but if she asked me for help, taking the kids more, doing somet hings for her and accompanying her to RVs at the hospital, I'd be glad to help out.  | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/7/2012 10:16:38 AM |
Well of course I have a personnal connection, and a very deep one to my kids; but its not their mother. It has nothing at all to do with her. hey MUST love their mom all they can; its their mom, they only got one, same thing goes for me. But ME, myself, have no connection to her in the least. She doesnt have a place in my life, through my kids or otherwise. I don't owe her friendship, sympathy or anything else, just because she's my ex. I owe my kids love, teaching them how to become and live a fair life. To her, I owe absolutely nothing. You don't really need to understand it if you don't lol; it works great for all of us (meanning me, my family, friends, life, etc.). Some people can't differentiate, and ingrain their past relationships so much in their lives, it ends up screwing up their future ones. I don't. End of story. Maybe we're just coming from different angles. I don't actually know where my daughter's father is, or whether he's dead, or alive for that matter. Neither does she. His choice, followed by hers. If she had a relationship with her father I would view his health in such circumstances as important to her and so put aside my antagonism, or lack of feeling for him aside in favour of her needs in the situation. In other words, I'd do what she needed me and wanted me to do. If it was in her best interests for me to look after him in ill health, I would, assuming she had a father was nearly a human being.  | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/7/2012 10:26:18 AM |
Yeah? WEll she hurt me as much as she hurt them. Everyone tells me I should just "let go of my anger", and give her a free pass. I LIKE my anger. I NEED my anger. I embrace my hatred of her. For one thing, it makes it possible for me to get up in the morning. To know that at least today, she's NOT going to break me. I've wasted enough tears on her. And she wasn't worthy of those either. My anger keeps warm at night.
I could watch her get robbed and raped and not lift a finger or waste the energy to dial 911.
As long people hate, they don't cry. Funny how that works huh?
Every day that you keep that anger inside of you, a bit of you dies and she wins, see that anger is her breaking you...it shows you still have feelings for her cause the opposite of love is indifference not hate. So by continuing to hate her you are still showing feelings toward her.
When my ex was diagnosed with Hep C, I helped him with everything until I realized he was using the illness to come back into my life and I was with my second husband. The next year I had cancer and was at a great risk of death than he had ever been and he then did try to be more responsible with our children but I was still the primary care giver.
He eventually completely checked out of his kids life, basically out of life, he was on a liver transplant list and start smoking so he went to the bottom of the list, he would call them rarely and I think he saw my youngest daughter once in the year before he died and that was to meet her boyfriend. I had to force both of them to go visit him the Christmas before he died, neither wanted to be around him, but now both are glad they went.
I think the most important part of life isnt the anger we all have the right to feel toward someone who did us wrong but showing that no matter what they did we can be the better person. I know that I want when someone thinks of me for it to be with a smile on their face and a warm spot in their heart. (It makes them regret being a****to you and maybe helps them see their path as wrong and change their actions toward the next person, if you keep fueling the fire you both just end up alone with the anger). | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/7/2012 12:32:47 PM |
Maybe we're just coming from different angles.
Yup, I dont see it like you do, we'll expand.
I don't actually know where my daughter's father is, or whether he's dead, or alive for that matter. Neither does she. His choice, followed by hers.
We dont have that problem. We decided we both wanted our kids, but like in Highlander, "There Can Be Only One". I wouldnt be able to live without my daughters, and its safe to say they wouldnt be able to live without me (anyone can really, but I mean as a choice).
so put aside my antagonism, or lack of feeling for him aside in favour of her needs in the situation There is no antagonism, or "lack of feeling" in the sense that you think it. If her mom is sick, its her problem to deal with it. If my daughter comes to me and says "Mom is sick and I'm scared", II would never do what my daughter needs me to do, unless she's an adult; I'm the parent, not the other way around. I need to show my daughter what she needs to know to deal with her own problems when she grows up. So I would encourage her, like I do, to help out her mom, and be there for her if need be, and depend on me if she needs help. But I still would maintain my distance, I wouldnt try to be her mom's friend; because that would be LYING, which is not good. My daughters still dream of the day when "mommy and daddy" will be back together again; name me a kid who has split parents who doesnt. SO I have to constantly and calmly repeat that THAT will never happen, for the same reasons we seperated, that still hold true today; reasons my kid does not need to know.
So my point is, its not really your job; it's their own job to look after themselves, like anyone else. If they need moral support, fine there; but an ex is an ex, a relationship that ended, is just that, ended. I just draw clear boundaries and have no problems living with them. Neither has anyone else, because I always clearly define things before I get into them. I don't hide anything, II don't know if I make sense, but that's the way I see it lol. My life, and my ex's, are completely and utterly distinct from one another. The only common thread is our kids, and that's it. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/10/2012 1:52:27 PM | She wasn't my "ex", but I'm inclined to say..I'd be supportive.
My wife was diagnosed with cancer, and 27 days after her first doctors appointment, I held her in Hospice as she slipped away to be with our daughter.
In dire times like that, I'd like to think that if you loved someone (referring to the "ex"), that one would at least be supportive as possible. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 2/10/2012 8:08:27 PM | | My ex had a case of Grass-is-greener-on-other-side-itis, and left me and moved in with a secret lover in the same day. There has been no contact, so I have no idea where she (and he) lives and I don't care where they live. Once she made the move to live with someone else, and since our divorce, I have no responsibility to her. If she gets sick, it's her boyfriend's responsibility to take care of her. If he bails on her, that's not my problem. Luckily, we didn't have kids, so there are no kids to be concerned about. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/6/2012 4:30:54 AM | | I would emotionaly support my kids as much as I could but I would not do shit for her. My ex divorced me, which means she does not want me in her life for any reason and that includes cancer. It has nothing to do with being bitter or not being able to forgive her either. She does not deseve me in her life, under any circunstance that does not involve our children. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/6/2012 5:47:53 AM | My ex had an abortion behind my back after we were married three years. I didn't find out about it until one her "friends" (the friend who help her arrange the abortion) called me and told me about it a week before my divorce was final, thirteen years later.
Had I know about the abortion......or the circumstances that made her feel as though she had to get an abortion, (I never have had ANY explanation of any of it), I would have been divorced thirteen years earlier.
So...........no.......although I wouldn't wish for her to die or have cancer.......my days of supporting her on any level have long since past. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/6/2012 7:07:37 AM | Every situation is different, however I know I would not give my ex the cold shoulder.
I had a simular situation, ex sister passed away he did not ask for any help up to her passing, for we knew it would happen, plus my ex kept her at his house for the last month or so of her life. I just went right in and did what i could not feeling anything for him other than sorry for what is about to happen, likewise on his part. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/7/2012 8:29:49 AM | I would always be there for anyone, even my ex. Always help others in life. It will only come back to you. God don't like ugly! Prayer works.  | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/7/2012 10:07:51 AM | Depends.
I don't want my woman keeping one foot in the past with her ex partners. If its over, it's 'over'.
Children together...that's a complete other scenario. One supports them.
It's all rather 'theoretical' in my society. In Canada we have medical care, hospitals, hospices, social workers. etc. it's not as if someone is out on the street living in a box. If they have adult children, it is their adult children who can be there for them...if siblings, then siblings, etc.
If they asked to see me, then I'd say 'fine' and go have a friendly visit. Perhaps do something 'practical' to help them out but definitely not be there as emotional support. I also don't offer emotional support to the thousands of other individuals in similar scenarios who I don't have a relationship with. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/7/2012 12:03:44 PM | While I agree with your post, I dont see how being in Canada, or having access to medical care, changes anything however. I mean...you do realise there ARE people living in boxes on the street in Canada, right? I'm from Montreal, I can tell you something about poverty, also of people being alone. And of course, there's always mr Harper cutting off those budgets, in order to buy more A-oreo_planes for the Army. 
\Dont they have services in the US too? Pretty sure they do. | |
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| An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 3/7/2012 12:15:35 PM | If your ex partner is on the street living in a box, then you are ill-prepared to deal with their mental issues. Call social services.
Where i live, there are hospitals for people with illness. hospices and social workers to help. Various ministers visit...volunteers, etc. People are certainly in emotional distress but they are not left to fend for themselves. My responsibility in life is 100% for my partner and not for an ex. Yes, it can be nice to help but their well being does not teeter on my decision. | |
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