| | Single father 2 girls needs advicePage 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I agree with you even though you clearly may get some flack from the girls...
My sister allows her 12 year old to go to a neighbor's if the parents aren't home but only because she (my sister) is 2 houses down and she is at home....
The mall; I would let the girls hang out with friends, or each other, but only if you were at the mall (just not with them because that would be very embarrassing, lol) Maybe have them text you every 30 min-hour or so, so you know they are ok.
Here is something interesting about my niece that MAY apply to a lot of girls: Sometimes she wants boundaries like that but doesn't want to look stupid to her peers, so here's what she and my sister do; My sister will say (either in front of her friends or in a text) "No you can't do [this or that]" So my niece has an out and doesn't end up looking wussyish, lol...You'd be surprised how many kids actually want boundaries but don't show it. Sometimes you gotta take a chance they will be ok with it and if not, suffer the wrath! But like another poster said, they will appreciate it someday, especially when they have their own kids...
You are setting a great example for them....Always err on the side of caution! | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/20/2012 6:36:16 PM | Varies from state to state. Most states with no set age say you should go by the maturity of your child....I know some adults that shouldn't be left home alone...I believe all states should really have a set age.
www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits
If your not comfortable, then that's what's right for your family. You want to be able to trust your child and to also know they are safe. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/21/2012 1:06:26 AM | 11 is a little young for the mall. I would say around 13-14, depending on the child. Cell phones are a wonderful thing for checking up.
As for the 12-year-old's house, that would depend on the kids. When my daughter was in 6th and 7th grade, the parents would discuss it beforehand. "Are you comfortable if I leave the girls on their own for an hour or two?" By 8th grade, everyone seemed to be OK with it.
Now I live in a small town and my daughter has a wonderful group of friends who have all known each other since kindergarten, so it may be a bit of an unusual situation. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/21/2012 4:58:25 AM | I am also a single father with a 16 yr old daughter that lives with me...I also have a 24 yr old daughter that lives with her finance. It has been my experience that you can never be to concerned with "who your daughter is with" and "where your daughter spends the day or night."
If my daughter goes anywhere with friends I always call the parents and make certain there is an adult present. I also interview any boys that want to hang out with her. I constantly stress to my daughter it doesn't have anything to do with me trusting her...I do not trust the people I don't know!!!
To answer your question...I don't think your being unreasonable at all!!! | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/21/2012 8:10:31 AM | You are absolutely doing the right thing. I do much the same as Import does with my 12yo son. And when my daughters were with me (one is a marine and one lives with their dad) it was the same. I didn't win any brownie points with them, but at least I knew they were reasonably safe. When they hit highschool age, i would let them go to the mall with friends w/o an adult present, but before that, and adult had to be there. Not necessarily in the same store as them, but in the same general area.
I tell my kids that grown women get abducted from public places, like malls, so it is no use arguing with me about this.
Now, once they moved in with their dad, all supervision went out the window, but they were old enough to decide who to live with, so I can't do anything about it.  | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/28/2012 7:16:53 AM | | Coming from the eyes of she who is still classified as a teenager, I agree with you. She may get upset, not understand, and feel untrusted, but its completely reasonable for you to request an adult is present. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/28/2012 9:04:49 PM | | That is being a responsible good parent by requesting a parent by there. Too many things can happen now a days. I have a 13 and 19 year old. My 19 year is a boy and he would give me a hard time, but also had a clear understanding as to why I requested that a parent be home. If you daughter has a fit let her, but explain your side of it and stick to your feelings on things. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/28/2012 11:23:42 PM | | hi, i am so thankful i have boys.. if you watch the movie 13 you will never let your girls go anywhere again.... it may scare you, but it will validate your feelings you have about supervision.. good luck | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 1/29/2012 8:08:55 AM | The law require that...
It is also depend on the child's ability and what she feel comfortable to do.
When I was akid, I went to school by my self and shopping for my self, only the first day to school was with a cusion who is 3 years older than me.
I lived in middle school took care myself, including hand washing cloths, manage my money... | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 2/5/2012 4:03:26 PM | My rules have always been that there has to be a parent in the house if my kids went to a friend's home. Same at my house, no other kids allowed in if I am not here. I was a real trouble maker when I was a teen, and when I went to a friends house and we were alone there was always something going on to get in trouble for. My kids have those same genes, so I have always laid down the law  | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/15/2012 6:48:06 AM | Hi, I am a single mother of two boys, my 11 yr old lives with me and is very on the ball and aware of alot more than he should be at his age, but in good ways not bad. I agree that there should be a parent home, it is one thing to step out to the store and leave them for an hour but it is different if there is no parent there all day long. It just leaves too many possible opportunities open. As for going to the mall, I have just allowed my 11yr old more freedom. If he wants to go to the mall with a friend that is fine, because of distance, I usually drop off and pick up at a specific time, same thing with the movies. I will drop them off go in and get their tickets and popcorn and make sure they get into the theater then I will find out what time the movie ends and be there waiting about 10mins early. He also has a mobile and will call and check in as well as call if he wants to leave early.
I think you are using good judgment, being a parent is not an easy job and unfortunately does not come with a manuel.
Keep up the good work | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/15/2012 5:03:09 PM | No you are not being unresonable at all. I have two daughters and when my oldest was that age, we did the same. Adults had to be present no matter where she was and to this day at almost twenty she chooses her friends wisely.
Put it this way, if a child says that their parents are not at home when they have an invite, then I judge the parent skills of that child. No way have I allowed none of my four kids to go, nor have anyone over while I'm gone at that age....really no age. It opens doors for things to happen...anything could happen.
However, when my oldest Boy and Daughter was able to drive I would allow my youngest two to go with them, or I would suggest they go to the mall with them. Cell phones really came in handy, and I knew that my youngest ones would tell me the truth if my oldest did something they knew they shouldn't. For the most part...the oldest kids cared very well for their youngest siblings, so I didn't have much to worry about. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/15/2012 11:32:42 PM | as i was growing up, there was always an adult around. My parents were strict about it, luckily i was blessed with much older brothers. but i still had adult supervision til i was 18 which is legal age of consent `(afterall thats age of majority)stick to your guns. your girls will remember your rule when they have kids.  | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/18/2012 6:18:29 PM | My girls are 19 and 16 now. I've always had my girls living with me either full time or half time every second week since I became a single parent. When situations like this have come up with us, I've tried using it to get a discussion going. I've had varying degrees of success over the years in getting my kids talking about being safe :)
My kids have always been pretty good at picking up on when I'm being honest, so I basically tell them why I'm not happy about a situation. I would usually start by saying something about how I felt that what they wanted to do may not be a safe choice; if anything unexpected happened, or if one of them got hurt, there would be no one around to help. Then I would listen to my daughters ideas about why the situation would be either safe or not safe. Things generally turn out well by getting them to help figure out how to plan ahead enough to make a situation safe. If we come up with a plan that I think is safe and they think is worth doing, then off they go. | |
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teloce
| | Joined: 3/12/2012
Msg: 41 | |
| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/18/2012 6:28:16 PM | | most definitely the friends parents should be home...even if the kids are trust worthy ..just safety precaution! i have 17 and 10 yr old boys I don"t trust leaving them alone for very long and never with friends in the house.. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/18/2012 10:49:45 PM | OP, you don't have to apologize to your kids for being too strict when it's their safety you're concerned about. Kids can have enough of a private sense of space even when there's an adult around. They learn to cope with it. Sure, you're going to get leaned on by your younger, having a sib that much older - but those are the breaks. The plus side is that she also has someone to learn the ropes from. (the right sort of ropes!)
One thing I'd like to mention about kids and cell phones: I prefer to completely get rid of the illusion that a phone is a safety device - except as an instrument for contact, in a given contained situation.
I've seen too many kids wandering, texting, totally absorbed in the gadget, and not paying attention to what goes on around them - using eyes and ears to scope the surroundings. The illusion is that a quick call protects them. But really - this only works with the right sort (intimidated by a phone...)
The wrong sort separates phone from child very fast. At which point they may as well not have had one.
Sometimes I think boys are so much easier. My son had the run of my city (with the exception of certain neighbourhoods) by grade nine. But I made sure his middle name was street-smart before then. That was a hands-on education, by example - not just talk. Also, the rules set in place were never broken. (Until he was a senior and even then, they were silly irritations, not matters of danger or threat.)
Knowing all their routines and constant communication is so important. I think the kids that stretch boundaries and get into trouble - often don't have a lot of open lines with their parents.
And malls? Malls give me fits. Even now. I'm a downtowner with street smarts, but no mall smarts. That's a game out of my league............ | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/20/2012 3:53:36 PM |
Yes I started kissing boys and goofing with them at 12 at a friends house her parents were always gone...then again at 15 having sex due to my mom being away at bingo or somewhere like grocery shopping for like 1 or 2 hrs...lol. it only takes one day. Require to speak to the parent and if your daughters don't like it than tough. I'm lucky I didn't get pregnant in high school or an std...they might not be so lucky...
If kids want to have sex or make out, they will find a way. This has nothing to do with always having a parent present at home. You can't draw general conclusions from your own misbehavior.
Here are some examples that "prove" the exact opposite: My father passed away when I was a child, my mother never even dated again, so naturally, my brother and I spent quite some time home alone (and even more time outside with our friends, without parental supervision). My mother's pov was: As long as you do your chores and your homework and as long as you fulfill all your obligations and you're home by dinnertime, it's fine with me. In other words: She trusted us to do the right things and stay out of trouble, and guess what: Being raised to make thoughtful decisions from a young age hasn't hurt either of us.
We walked to kindergarten by ourselves (only about a quarter mile), we rode our bike to school (about 1 mile) without any parents present, we spent most of our afternoons without parental supervision. While you, Treat_me_like_a_lady, turned into a tramp, my brother and I (and our friends) took pride in the trust that was bestowed on us, and even though we did play some neighborhood pranks (nothing criminal, though) every now and then, we grew into responsible teenagers and didn't even think about having sex before graduating from high school.
My ex's kids, 20, 19 and 15 years old, have received the same "trust treatment" and freedoms my brother and I enjoyed. Guess what: The two older ones graduated from high school with honors, the second one even one year early AND with an associates degree, and both of them received full scholarships to their dream colleges, all the while also working part-time jobs. And they are only just beginning to date. The youngest has yet to show any interest in the opposite gender, and he, too, focuses on school, chores, job, and hobbies.
My best friend's kids, 5 and 9 years old, walk to school unsupervised, go their friends' and their granny's houses unsupervised, go to the playground one block down unsupervised; the older one also rides his bike to his sports club unsupervised. Their mother only works PT, but she feels it would instill a feeling of insecurity in her kids if she watched over every single one of their steps. She feels that her kids (just like we did when we grew up) need to make their very own experiences without helicopter-mom hovering over them 24/7, and so far her kids have proven to be smart, resourceful and responsible, just like their parents.
Now, if your conclusion was true, Treat_me_like_a_lady (the conclusion that a lack of supervision caused children to display irresponsible behavior), none of the above real-life examples could possibly be true. But they are. And personally, I am with my best friend and with my mother: I think that children need to be able to make their own experiences and their own choices, and they need to feel trusted in. Therefore they need "alone time."
Reading through this entire thread I get a feeling that most parents over here don't trust their children (or they don't trust their own parenting), and to me, that is quite a sad thing. It makes me feel even more grateful towards my trusting and loving mother, who knew that she had raised us well enough to allow us to grow into responsible and self-confident teenagers and ultimate into responsible and self-confident adults.
Back to the original question: I would absolutely allow an 11-year old to go to her friend's house with no parents present, unless the 11-year old and/or her friend have already proven to me that she/they can't be trusted. In which case I would put them on "probation" and probably double-check my parenting "system," I guess. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/21/2012 3:55:25 PM | You are being a good dad . If you keep this attitude up you will do well...always better to be safe than sorry .. good luck ! I am a single mom of two boys and a girl . My daughter has left the nest and is 20.. l stuck on her like glue ...my first son is almost 19 but he stays home anyway ... saving so he can move out . They want us to back off but that is not what a good parent does ... Mine have been mad at me in the past because of just this but hey !! I am here to be a parent ....that's what a GOOD parent does :) | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/21/2012 6:11:46 PM | | i should not too worry so long as you look for signs in a difference of behaviour, i dont know your circumstances but if you force them,, it may go the other way, my wife passed away and i had three girls i wasn't sure either but they they need space to think about things and talk even if its to take their mind off their problems whatever they may be they will get up too monkey business even if you were not single, i'm sure they have mobiles also,and do there friends parents know they are in the house on their own, all they best Iain mine turned out fine and now i have 5 grandchildren all girls and let my daughters do all the worrying.good luck | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/21/2012 7:17:51 PM | No, you are not being unreasonable.
But I'm sure your daughter will try to convince you that you are.
Stick to your guns. | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/22/2012 1:10:18 PM |
You are being a good dad . If you keep this attitude up you will do well...always better to be safe than sorry ..
Always and only focusing on "being safe" can easily backlash, though. If the kid hasn't been subject to any harm so far, why cutting back her privileges and discontinue her freedom to stay at her friend's in the future? This reeks of distrust, not of "being safe."
good luck ! I am a single mom of two boys and a girl . My daughter has left the nest and is 20.. l stuck on her like glue ...[...]....that's what a GOOD parent does
Sounds more like a "security detail" that like a "parent," and in my opinion (and the opinion of experts more knowledgeable than I will ever be) it is not what a "good" parent does, but it is mainly what a "helicopter parent" or a "lawnmower parent" does, and that is not a good thing. When do your children learn how to deal with obstacles? When do they learn how to make responsible decisions? When do they learn how to structure and organize their own lives? If you want your kid to succeed, you need to leave them alone at times, you need to let them fail and learn from failure, you need to let them test and push their boundaries.
Nowadays, overprotective parents are accompanying their insecure and held-back children to college orientation (I even know of cases where mommy comes to class with kiddo, because mommy has to make sure that kiddo is fine at all times), and there are even parents intervening with their grown children's employers. This is where overprotective parenting is headed, and it's a sad, even scary thing from where I stand.
You might be interested in these articles: http://www.npr.org/2012/02/06/146464665/helicopter-parents-hover-in-the-workplace
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1940697,00.html
Anyway, I think for this 11-year old girl who apparently hasn't done anything to betray her father's trust so far, revoking the current privileges based on some diffuse safety issue will feel like punishment, and it has the potential to damage the existing trust situation between the kid and the parent. I think it would not be the best way to go.
What is the other kid's parents' opinion on this, OP? Have you talked to them about this? (If you have mentioned their position in this thread, I apologize for overlooking the respective statement.) | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/23/2012 6:20:04 PM | I have a 10 year old daughter and 13 year old son, I believe kids are more honest than parents think, I would not let my daughter or son in a home w/out a parent home unless its to grab something... the mall is okay to be alone for older than 12 for a little while. You never know what kind of perverts are targeting your kids. Be protective and remember they are precious and your responsibility,
Nancy  | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/24/2012 10:36:18 AM | | hey bud make sure when the boyfriends come over to pick them up that you play " cleaning this gun" by rodney akins. That will be my song of choice and good luck cause I'm a single father myself | |
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| Single father 2 girls needs advice
Posted: 3/24/2012 2:56:12 PM | | i have 3 girls..16,12,and 9..my 9 year old doesnt go to other houses.. shes just too young. and my 12 year old only goes to her friends houses when i meet/talk with the parents.i think at 12 they still need adult supervison. | |
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