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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > great conversations...a thing of the past?      Home login  
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 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 51
great conversations...a thing of the past?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Stargazin wrote:
Gwendolyn ---you crack me up. Makes me remember those moments when I couldn't "see"....and, oops, couldn't find the dern story. LOL, ah well.


I cannot tell you how many times people have told me or wanted to tell me their woes or life's story. I go to McD's with my laptop to grade papers because if I sit at home, I want to do something "fun" or feel the need to wash dishes or do laundry--anything but grade. In the last year, I have had to vacate two McD's because PEOPLE WILL NOT SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE! They want to talk, and I know it is because they are lonely and I seem sympathetic. I say, "I'm working," and they keep right on. Old men are the worse, but that is because they "like" me. Oh, and married men--I must have "woman desperate for adulterous affair" stamped on my face.


I can actually listen to silence and understand it. (I know guys, you think I'm full of xxit)


I live alone and though I am a loud person, my house is very quiet. I do not have a TV and when I play music, I am a conscious listener--I don't play it for background noise. I have no problem being alone with my thoughts, and I relish my solitude and the silence.

When I know a man, I also relish silence that is understood and companionable. However, if he is silent because his head is empty or because he doesn't know how to say it, that is a different matter. Words are my passion, my avocation, and my vocation. I am the quintessential conversationalist and communicator (it why the patrons of McD's and Walmart want to talk with me), and though I do talk to myself, when I am with someone, I want that person to talk back.

A look can speak; body language can speak; silence can speak, but when I want to discuss a topic, none will carry the conversation.


how many times can you say the same thing in a different way?


As a wordsmith, I can say the same things in dozens of different ways.
 seki1949
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 52
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/5/2012 10:35:47 PM

I go to McD's with my laptop to grade papers because if I sit at home, I want to do something "fun" or feel the need to wash dishes or do laundry--anything but grade.


I know the temptation well!

Spending way too much time on POF Forums, Seki
 seki1949
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 53
Great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/5/2012 10:39:32 PM

I have to laugh at the people who love to rush to judgement either in their essay or on the forums and label someone a "loser", then spell it with two o's....


Only one 'o'? Really?

Looser, Seki
 Pisces_Rising
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 54
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/6/2012 12:08:44 AM
There are a lot of very intelligent people out there who can't spell worth a damn. I fancy myself one of them so I don't hold it against anyone else. But I would ask myself , if one doesn't bother to run a simple spellchecker, what kind of impression do they want to give me?

There again, if one doesn't want to make conversation, does he really have an interests in you? And if there is an outside chance he's interested in you, ask yourself, would you want to have a relationship with someone who has no interests he is unable to express, who has no curiosity about you or your interests, who sees nothing in this big wide world he wants to share with you? Being in a boring relationship is far more trouble and work than being in no relationship at all.


I believe strain conversation, email riddled with misspellings and grammarian mistakes says " I'm not that interested in you to put any effort into to this but I can't figure out how to get out of this without sounding mean." It's better for you to take the hint and run.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 55
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/6/2012 5:04:22 AM

how many times can you say the same thing in a different way?


I forgot to add about this: if a person is saying the SAME thing over and over, even in a different way, then that person is a lousy conversationalist. GOOD conversation is about various and sundry topics and finding new things to discuss. This is one reason why I dislike speaking with conspiracy theorists: the first time you hear the crap, it is amusing. The second and third times, boring. One trick ponies are boring. Religious people say the same things over and over.

The people who make the best conversationalists are those who say, "Hey, I just read/heard about this--what do you think?" Their ideas consistently change and evolve and they learn new "stuff."


There are a lot of very intelligent people out there who can't spell worth a damn.


You are right: intelligence and the ability to spell are not mutually inclusive. The smart and diligent person finds ways to compensate; smart and lazy people don't bother.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 56
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/6/2012 9:48:13 AM
I too cherish good conversation, and I've had many here on POF, including some with women who have already posted on this thread.

Sure, I've had a few non-starters with women who can't seem to type more than a handful of words or choose not to share their thoughts, but we've got a wide cross section of humanity on this site. Best to hone in on kindred spirits rather than bemoan those you don't match with. I find it's generally pretty clear within a message or two if the person at the other end is someone I can have a good dialogue with. If not, I just politely excuse myself and move on, just as I would in real life.

As for this:


Really good dialogue is better than sex


Really good sex is also really good dialogue in its own language, but that's a discussion for another thread.
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 57
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/6/2012 1:26:32 PM

Really good sex is also really good dialogue in its own language, but that's a discussion for another thread.


Spot on bullseye grand slam slam dunk yes
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/6/2012 1:42:53 PM
I think really great oral conversations are a rare treat of the future. They will be saved for the times when you are with the one you are with.

That being said, people complain about texting and emailing all the time and it is ruining our sense of conversation.

Consider this, when you were young, if you weren't within earshot of the person, or attached to the phone cord, you were not communicating with those people. Now it's still up to us as a generation to carry manners forward to our children and tell them that face to face time is priceless and put the damn cell phone away at the dinner table, but the fact of the matter is, I can communicate with my kid today more than my mother could with me.

All that being said.... nothing compares (okay thats not true either) to a walk on the beach hand in hand and chatting about nothing, or laying in bed and chatting through the night. I always say, sex is about 1% of the time spent in the relationship, sleep is 30%, work is 30%. what are you going to do with that other 39%???? If you can't talk and be friends, you go nothin!!!
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 59
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/6/2012 2:02:55 PM

Really good sex is also really good dialogue in its own language, but that's a discussion for another thread.



And I can be quite the conversationalist given the right partner...hehe
Ok, go ahead and start the thread. Should be interesting *smiles*

...mae
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 3/6/2012 2:49:46 PM

Good conversation is a "celebration" in itself and I've found that I bump into them in the most surprising places. For me, it's about being open to people, all kinds of people-- and don't we all have delicious stories to tell? I'm not concerned about your grammar, your spelling, your work....I want to hear about who you are, what you've seen, what inspires you, what your greatest beliefs are, what makes your heart sing, what tries your patience and best of all.........how you find your fun! If you can "see" people, you can see the stories just waiting to be told. Folks just need to look....there truly is so much to learn from each other.





Ah, a true lover of humanity, the human comedy, and the human tragedy. I couldn't agree with you more, Stargazin.............
People knock me out.
We have liberal scatterings of the strong, silent type, the man of few words, the shy wallflower, the pixie who wouldn't say boo! to a goose......
But I don't know that these specimens ferment or otherwise so much further the cognizence of humanity. Anyway, from the storystruck spellbound kid I was long ago, comes the determination to NOT go quietly into that good night!
And great conversation - is always that fine balance between telling and listening....

I recall conversations that were the ripples of an incoming tide (ever really sit and watch a tide come in?) Like the pull of the moon upon the spinning earth.
But does it require well-tuned audio?
Walking down a city street comes a sound from a block away. To some, it's just an irritating noise. What I hear is the sound of running water, a laughing brook, the joyful bubbling of gleeful abandon....running like a runaway captive set free. What is it?
- A schoolyard, of course. Recess time.

Conversation for its own sake?
Some, many - maybe most of us are born into and for a social noise.
But is the trick not in the balance? The telling needs to find its equal listening. Not all speech is designed for rapt attention.
If this be a dying art, and art it is.....perhaps too many quirks of modern existence preclude it. Conversation requires time. Easy time. Perhaps for many, that is what's become a thing of the past.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 61
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 6/28/2014 8:22:14 AM
I find it virtually impossible to have a substantive, 2-way conversation nowadays.

Either the other person is incapable or unwilling to converse, they have nothing of substance to say, or most likely, they are just sitting there with their eyes glazed over, as they're waiting to monopolize the conversation. Yes, we have a myriad (quantity) of "methods of communication" today, but I would argue that, never in human history has the (quality) of communication been so poor. If I were qualified to diagnose, I would guesstimate that the majority of the American population is borderline Autistic. It's scary.

In an "ideal world" you could have both, however, I would much prefer to have an hour-long, engaging, substantive, 2-way conversation with a woman where there is mutual attraction, than 15 or 20 minutes of mediocre sex. I remember the last time I had sex with a woman. I cannot remember the last time I had a semi-decent conversation (of any length) with a woman.

As far as the whole thing about, "How many ways can a person say the same thing?" Yes, after 20, 30, 40 years together, I imagine that you have heard EVERYTHING that person has to say...........................my issue is............with the yahoos and wing nuts you come across IRL and online that you JUST met, or have known for only months or a couple of years, who have NOTHING worthwhile to contribute to a conversation. It's tedious. D@mn near like trying to pull a car down a beach with a rope.
 oceanstorms
Joined: 4/10/2014
Msg: 62
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 6/29/2014 12:01:53 PM
When I first began online dating seven years ago I used to think if people spoke only one language and couldn’t even master that one…what did it say about them? My answer was not a positive one. I soon learned I needed to change my thinking if I was to continue with online dating. However, the thing is in the online world our profile is the ONLY thing we going for us to make a good impression. In real life we might see, hear, smell, or get ‘good vibes’ from someone and giving them a spelling or grammar test is the farthest thing from our minds.
Although seeing someone put ‘intellectual’ on their profile and seeing spelling and grammar errors in abundance does at first appear to be a bit of a contradiction I think most of us know people in real life who are highly intelligent and yet if we were to give them a spelling and grammar test we might be very surprised.
Now I read profiles with a grain of salt…they are not always representative of anything other than our own interpretations. That being said, I have found over the years many men, maybe women too, are not online to find their intellectual equals…they are here for sex, period. Consequently, they really don’t care what impression they make other than appearing somewhat attractive to whomever they are attempting to attract.
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 63
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/6/2014 6:13:09 AM
There are many women here who are lousy communicators,they send messages like "Hi how are you" and expect I suppose a novel length Shakesperian response.I put in my profile that email is not my forte,if a woman is going to judge me by emails that she doesn't even know if i wrote them or not is not for me,once again woman are no better at picking men than men are at picking women...men are deceived through the eyes and women through the ears,both produce the same failures.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 64
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/6/2014 11:35:15 AM
The "stereotype" is that females are superior communicators.

I have not seen any evidence of that here, IRL, or even in any recent workplace.

The women's profiles that I have seen here, are overwhelmingly underwhelming. Can't help but laugh when I see the profiles of so many (+35 year-old) women on POF, that read, "Not here for sex"/"Not here for one night stands", etc. etc. You read the ubiquitous, "Must be able to make ME laugh" profile intro, their one sentence profile, and their 3 "interests": (their "amazing" children, the beach, and having "fun"), and I can easily see how so many men online have little choice but to read this mediocre, sub-par nonsense, and think to themselves, "Aside from sex, (and wanting a hawt guy to play the role of dancing bear/court jester), what the %$&# else could she possibly bring to a relationship?"

The handful of e-mails that I have received, all start AND end with, "Hi" or "Hello".

Women who claim to have, 'Graduate' degrees, and have zero motivation and/or demonstrated ability to write or speak with any level of insight on their 'supposed' field of expertise.

The half dozen or so e-mail volley's that I have had with POF women, have ALL had me referencing something from THEIR profiles..........."Who are your favorite artists?".................."What's the best restaurant you've eaten at lately, and why?" etc. If I'm lucky, they'll answer the question, but you won't get a d@mn thing extra out of them "Picasso." "Delmonico's. It's good." My profile is long as hell (on purpose), and yet not a single woman has ever asked me anything from it. It's like what I would imagine a CIA interrogation to be like. It leaves me as exhausted as trying to pull a car down a beach. It's BRUTAL!
 oceanstorms
Joined: 4/10/2014
Msg: 65
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/7/2014 10:35:46 AM
Profiles that state, "Ask me"....profiles that state, "This it is So hard to write about myself", etc. etc. These days I just accept it and move on. If that's they way they want to portray themselves it's their problem. I've found most men are not good communicators written or verbally. It's just how things are and to complain about it is pointless. I just keep on looking. I know one day I will find someone I adore without reserve and that's good enough for me:)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 66
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/7/2014 2:54:10 PM
There are many women here who are lousy communicators,they send messages like "Hi how are you" and expect I suppose a novel length Shakesperian response.


I've seen women's comments about the two necessary requirements in order for her to even consider responding to a message: pictures that will pass the physical beauty test and a profile that's worthy enough to win a literary award, for starters. Once that's out of the way, and the dating phase starts, the next phase on the agenda is the nonsense phase,which is sending and receiving mindless, useless texts about 20 times day that say nothing in 15 words or less-the "howzitgoin", whazup", "havnfunyet". If a person breaks the chain by not immediately replying, all hell breaks lose with the standard question: "Don't you like me anymore? If you did, you would've responded to my (all important) text within 2 minutes, instead of what you did, which was not responding for an entire 10 minutes. What am I suppose to do in that 10 minutes while waiting for your response? You threw off my entire day, and I will not tolerate that again."
 tickle_me_pank
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 67
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/8/2014 4:39:24 AM
The "stereotype" is that females are superior communicators.

I don't think I've ever heard that stereotype. But yes, wanting to verbalize your random neural firings doesn't make you a superior communicator.


The women's profiles that I have seen here, are overwhelmingly underwhelming. Can't help but laugh when I see the profiles of so many (+35 year-old) women on POF, that read, "Not here for sex"/"Not here for one night stands", etc. etc. You read the ubiquitous, "Must be able to make ME laugh" profile intro, their one sentence profile, and their 3 "interests": (their "amazing" children, the beach, and having "fun"), and I can easily see how so many men online have little choice but to read this mediocre, sub-par nonsense, and think to themselves, "Aside from sex, (and wanting a hawt guy to play the role of dancing bear/court jester), what the %$&# else could she possibly bring to a relationship?"

Men's profiles are equally banal but only slightly less aimless, since so many of them are here for sex. I'm starting to wonder if the Masons really aren't poisoning the wells. You could use these types of profiles as a convenient screening mechanism, which is what I've always done. "Here are 197 people within a 30-mile radius I have absolutely no reason to write to, much less answer their emails if they ever get around to messaging me."


The half dozen or so e-mail volley's that I have had with POF women, have ALL had me referencing something from THEIR profiles..........."Who are your favorite artists?".................."What's the best restaurant you've eaten at lately, and why?" etc. If I'm lucky, they'll answer the question, but you won't get a d@mn thing extra out of them "Picasso." "Delmonico's. It's good."

Picasso is their favorite artist? At least they didn't say Jackson Pollock.
Great conversations were never like teasing a performance out of a trained ape. People who are curious about the world around them (or at least about you) will read your profile and come up with questions that might even be entirely original. If I were you, I'd use that kind of rudimentary reaction as the next level of the screening-out process. They're certainly making it easy for you.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 68
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/8/2014 12:27:31 PM
It's an old thread but I'll give you my $.02. Most people in general (in my case men) are not well read at all and sound like talking points when you have a conversation with them. I'm sure everyone has experienced this, they are even high educated college degreed people, but can't have a conversation outside how is the weather, small talk or what they do for a living. They have no passions except to work at a particular job, have a certain car or house and look the same as everyone else.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 69
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/8/2014 1:42:22 PM

i was just wondering if anyone else is having trouble finding an intelligent man to have a great conversation with?


No, I just look in the mirror and the problem is solved.
 CoralReefs
Joined: 5/31/2014
Msg: 70
great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/8/2014 2:16:04 PM
Most people it seems, are subpar communicators. I'm learning this over time and it's very disheartening. Even worse, I think, is the primary root cause - the lack of basic, selfless curiosity and interest.

Fair or not, I'm employing a new screening tool: how long does it take before she asks about my siblings? The most recent answer to this question was "not even within the first 3 dates". Yet by the time I cancelled the fourth, I had learned every minute detail of her sister's childhood, husbands, boyfriends, jobs and pets. I was even sent a photo of the sister for comparison purposes which, naturally, was flattering to my date.

I've learned that it's astonishingly simple to steer a conversation in such a way that the other party seems more than happy to drone on and on, repetitiously and with barely enough time to figure out a dessert choice. When I find somebody equally skilled at extracting talk, then I'll know I'm on to something.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 71
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/8/2014 6:42:19 PM
Profiles that state, "Ask me"....profiles that state, "This it is So hard to write about myself", etc. etc. These days I just accept it and move on. If that's they way they want to portray themselves it's their problem. I've found most men are not good communicators written or verbally. It's just how things are and to complain about it is pointless. I just keep on looking. I know one day I will find someone I adore without reserve and that's good enough for me:)


Where it says "men" above, substitute "women", I can only shake my head and easily believe it applies to both sexes

The school teacher who's 15 line profile had NO, NO punctuation
 oceanstorms
Joined: 4/10/2014
Msg: 72
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/9/2014 8:33:51 AM
Yes I believe it is true for both. The irony is that our (over 45) generation are the ones who actually were taught spelling and grammar in school and didn't grow up with texting...and yet the vast majority appear to be only semi-literate! Yet the majority of adults I know do nothing but complain about the youth of today not knowing how to spell LOL. I wonder if they can spell hypocrite LOL.
 satx78218
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 73
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/9/2014 8:11:05 PM
"The school teacher who's 15 line profile had NO, NO punctuation"

LOL

this clown is pointing out someone else's language faults?
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 74
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/27/2014 3:25:52 PM
"Most people it seems, are subpar communicators. I'm learning this over time and it's very disheartening. Even worse, I think, is the primary root cause - the lack of basic, selfless curiosity and interest."

^^^^^
I think CoralReefs has struck PLATINUM with his assessment. I know he has with ME.

The PEFECT word is, "disheartening", and I honestly cannot remember the last time a date, potential date, or even a random woman that I did not know, asked me anything that seemed to be out of, "selfless curiosity and/or interest."

Anyone who speaks with me for 10 minutes, will learn that I am into photography, yet NEVER in my adult life, has a woman (that I did not already know), asked me anything, even remotely along the lines of, "How did you become interested in photography?", "Who is your favorite photographer?", or "What do you shoot and why?"

I have talked to a couple of single guys that I work with about this, and, for the most part, their experiences are consistent with the majority of what's contained in this thread.

Trying to have a substantive, 2-way conversation nowadays is BRUTAL.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 75
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great conversations...a thing of the past?
Posted: 7/27/2014 4:08:35 PM
oceanstorms related:
When I first began online dating seven years ago I used to think if people spoke only one language and couldn’t even master that one…what did it say about them? My answer was not a positive one. I soon learned I needed to change my thinking if I was to continue with online dating. However, the thing is in the online world our profile is the ONLY thing we going for us to make a good impression. In real life we might see, hear, smell, or get ‘good vibes’ from someone and giving them a spelling or grammar test is the farthest thing from our minds.
Although seeing someone put ‘intellectual’ on their profile and seeing spelling and grammar errors in abundance does at first appear to be a bit of a contradiction I think most of us know people in real life who are highly intelligent and yet if we were to give them a spelling and grammar test we might be very surprised.
Now I read profiles with a grain of salt…they are not always representative of anything other than our own interpretations. That being said, I have found over the years many men, maybe women too, are not online to find their intellectual equals…they are here for sex, period. Consequently, they really don’t care what impression they make other than appearing somewhat attractive to whomever they are attempting to attract.


this very thought, more or less, has been on my mind of late. It is for this reason that I have the type of profile I have. A photo and one or two line "about me" section makes this site, and dozens of others just like it, no more than a meat market; little different from the red light districts here in the US or the streets of Amsterdam.
If you want a communicator find someone who knows how to communicate and had demonstrated that ability. But don't be surprised if the communicator knows what he or she wants, or needs.

Communication is just the ability to pass on information. It can be a strictly one way affair. On the other hand, I desire a conversationalist, someone with whom I can share two way communication.

TK
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