| | I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of youPage 3 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | People need to get to know each other gradually.
If you put a frog in a pot of cool water and turn up the heat slowly, you'll eventually kill it. If you put a frog into a pot of hot water, it'll jump out. Many -- not all -- men and women do, essentially, the same thing. What I'm reading in your post is that you think it's appropriate to show someone all the nice stuff (put them into cool water) and then gradually introduce them to whatever less-than-acceptable things you've done in your past (turn the heat up slowly)... so the ugliness you heap on them won't overwhelm them as quickly. If there are things that are "that bad" about you, and you hold it back until "later"... let me understand, you're perfectly okay with that?
I understand everyone has negative things in their past. Got it. There's a difference, though, between tolerable "character flaws" and psycho bunny boilers... or, in this case, frog boilers. I can't see hiding things (or introducing things slowly... however you want to phrase things, it's all the same) until a later time, presumably after a relationship has gotten off to a good start. It feels like lying, dishonesty, entrapment, deceit, and treachery. I know a lot of people do it, but I don't, I won't, and I'll never tolerate it in anyone. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/16/2012 7:10:21 PM | Its easy to learn the worst...just listen to the person talk, and DON'T judge.
They'll keep talking...and you'll keep learning.
Well, OK, it helps to be well-read, and educated. For example if someone tells me they own a business, and a whole lot of toys, but then talks about the business and I know just enough to realize they aren't making much money, then I know those toys are all bought on credit or with some sleazy side income...and I can continue to listen to see more clues that they are going broke. Sometimes you get one clue, and it shows you to start listening for other clues, while other people ignore the clue and just nod their head.
There are plenty of people out there, who's worst parts far outweigh the few good things they can offer. And I can get those good things, superficial they may be, from other people who have more of it to offer.
in the end, the best thing to do, is lead a good life. If you meet someone who seems to be like you, then you know they too lead a good life, and don't need to know their dirty laundry. But if you find someone who isn't like you? Their standards make your skin crawl? then you don't need to know their dirty laundry--by nature, you're going to pull away from people who don't make you feel comfortable. You always gravitate towards people who make you feel comfortable about your own sins, or your own beliefs. keep your sins low key, and you won't get too burned by the people you feel comfortable surrounding yourself with--in other words, if you feel like causing a little ruckus, you won't end up in over your head b/c your friend went too far. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/16/2012 7:50:24 PM | What I'm reading in your post is that you think it's appropriate to show someone all the nice stuff (put them into cool water) and then gradually introduce them to whatever less-than-acceptable things you've done in your past (turn the heat up slowly)... so the ugliness you heap on them won't overwhelm them as quickly. If there are things that are "that bad" about you, and you hold it back until "later"... let me understand, you're perfectly okay with that?
I understand everyone has negative things in their past. Got it. There's a difference, though, between tolerable "character flaws" and psycho bunny boilers... or, in this case, frog boilers. I can't see hiding things (or introducing things slowly... however you want to phrase things, it's all the same) until a later time, presumably after a relationship has gotten off to a good start. It feels like lying, dishonesty, entrapment, deceit, and treachery. I know a lot of people do it, but I don't, I won't, and I'll never tolerate it in anyone.
What you are reading from my post is not what I said or meant. You're putting your own, apparently, paranoid twist on it. Before internet dating, for hundreds, thousands of years, except in arranged marriages, PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW EACH OTHER GRADUALLY. That is what I said because that is how it has worked since the beginning if civilization and what has been most natural. It continues to be that way for all other types of relationships now, except for those formed on the internet where people are tying to weed though as many people as possible as quickly as possible to find the one they think is right for them.
I didn't say anything about being deceptive, purposely to decieve, and gradually introducing the horrible stuff. "Dishonest, lying, entrapment, deceit, and treachery"? God, how ridiculous. What I described is what happens in the natural order of things and has happened between human beings from time immemorial. We get to people on a superficial level in the beginning and the closer we get and the more we know them, we learn and understand more about their personalities. To think there is actually any other way is to be extraordinarily naive.
If you are expecting to meet women who are 'bunny boilers' and have other horrendous things in their past and want to weed them out, I feel sorry for you. If you think almost all the women you are meeting have horrible things in their past or about them that you need to weed out immediately, again, you are to be pitied. Most people are decent, ordinary people, not psychos and not purposely hiding major issues like being an excon or drug addicition or something. That kind of thing was not even in my consciousness when I wrote my post because I don't expect to be dealing with anyone like that. In all my life of meeting men, I have never had to deal with someone like that: I don't attract and am not attracted to the type of person who turns out to have such problems--I think they are easily identifiable pretty much off the bat.
What I think your post indicates is that you have no natural awareness of how to filter out bad people and assume no one else does either. What my post was about is that no one is perfect and as you get to know someone, you learn about their qualities that are less than stellar or less appealing, but if you like the person, you will probably overlook them. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/16/2012 8:27:07 PM | | As far as dating goes your a need to know basis. Only after you get emotionally involved will you build enough trust for someone to show you their bad aspects & or confide such intimate details of their lives. And we all have skeletons in our closets to one degree or another. Even Saints had flaws, I'm unsure what you'd hope to accomplish by asking woman this upfront other than being kicked to the curb. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/16/2012 9:52:02 PM | You don't have to expose all the skeletons in your closet, but it's best to give a general run down of big things that might be relevant or cause issues.
When someone puts forward their 'best', that is not who they really are or will be. It is a facade they use to make you get attached to them so it's harder to leave them when you do find out about their downfalls and deal breakers. It's like telling someone something because you think that's what they want to hear, just to get what you want. It's misleading, deceptive and selfish.
You're just wasting someone's time by hiding it, and your own. They'll be falling in love with who you're pretending to be rather than who you actually are.
The real beauty is when someone knows the worst, shrugs it off without a care, and still wants to be with you. that's the person you want to be with. that doesn't mean it will ultimately work out in the end, but those types of relationships tend to be more meaningful. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/17/2012 5:30:19 AM | Hey OBE,
I agree with you it is important to establish some ground first between you & another person. We each have things we will/will not tolerate. For that reason, it is important to establish such as addictions, debt or disease.
Put it this way, if a question is asked on a date about any specific issue, it is upto the other person to choose if they will or will not answer the question honestly, or at all.
If you don't get an answer from them or it's evasive....then you have "an answer". If you do get an answer, then take it on face value & use your powers of discernment as you proceed with caution.
You see, really people are not prepared to take their time to get to know each other. They want humans to be as responsive at their I-phone or Mac. And someone might be debt, someone might have an addiction, but just bear in mind, nothing ever stays the same in life, and situations & people can change.
So yes ask salient questions, with sensitivity but don't let any negative answers preclude a relationship with that person if you have otherwise been attracted to them.
Be blessed. Be happy
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/18/2012 9:32:07 AM | I believe in complete honesty and generally reveal my skeletons by the end of the second date, so I've had a bit of time to show them what a great guy I am but haven;t had time to form an emotional bond.. I haven;t had a third date in over 8 years.
I feel good about not misleading anyone but it sure leaves me lonely. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/18/2012 10:31:36 AM | When you meet someone you are mutually and extremely attracted to, I find it exciting to get the dark stuff out of the way and only leave the bright stuff to discover on a natural pace. But this can only work if both are enthusiastic about it.
It shows a deeper level of interest. If the attraction is stronger than the worst skeletons, imagine how amazing it will be to find out the virtues and positive qualities of the other person as you get to know them.
If the attraction is weaker than the worst skeletons, you have nothing to lose. Of course not everyone is going to want to do this. I would welcome it if there is a strong connection. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/18/2012 11:04:26 AM | | If only my friend.....if only!!!!! Unfortunately it could NEVER work that way. Dating and sending out your "best representative" is what it's all about and it's all about impressing not depressing. I don't think anybody would be with anybody if their baggage were exposed upfront. Well maybe for "desperate" or "lonely" people and about it. As I have tried to get to know people and discovered "red flags", I get out of dodge with the quickness when I see about two and three red flags. Because I know I COULD NOT deal with a woman with those types of issues. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/19/2012 1:49:38 PM |
What I think your post indicates is that you have no natural awareness of how to filter out bad people and assume no one else does either. What my post was about is that no one is perfect and as you get to know someone, you learn about their qualities that are less than stellar or less appealing, but if you like the person, you will probably overlook them.
I was taking the honesty approach... which apparently isn't accepted nor promoted. I do just fine in the filtering department. I just think it's pathetic it's required at all. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/19/2012 7:16:39 PM | I think communication can filter things that are questionable in a relationship. I really like when a man tells me, "ask me anything". It just makes me believe he has a good soul.
Remember: "People throw rocks at things that shine". (song)  | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/20/2012 12:35:56 AM | The rock and a hard place analysis is best.... and I myself have looked at your way of doing things as one to experiment with - but only to a point.....
Like most people I have at least one or 2 secrets from my past that are important enough for a prospective relationship to be affected by it...... And while I want to make sure I am honest and upfront - there is a point where this wonderful pond full of fishies becomes more eye-candy than substance..... That means that the wonderful ladies on here have so many profiles to sift through it becomes a lot like the reading of a stack of resumes..... and it is easier to move on to better looking ones than look through those of a questionable nature and try to give someone a chance when they put glaring detriments in plain site for all to see !
I have received messages from ladies back and forth a couple of times, tried to tell them a little of my past - and they clean disappeared ! So up front initial disclosure apparently is not necessarily a good idea !
So consider this - don't keep the secret, but time the delivery instead..... Get to know the person and let them know how awesome we can be - then introduce the balancing things they need to know..... If they still can't handle it, then it is simply not meant to be.... And you best need move along in search of the next fishy......
btw - I compromised.... I posted SOME truths on my profile, but not details to the point where it takes away...... But then again I type a lot making me seem long winded so maybe that's not so good.... But the point I think is made :) | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/20/2012 6:30:17 AM | Yo OP, if your still around. Took a look at this, nice approach, however, let me confront you with an analogy that might picture somethng better.
If a new movie comes out, actually when ALL new movies come out, if I sit down and tell you all the ways in which those movies SUCKED, would you still go see them? Nah, youd probably just rent the dvd, if you bothered at all, or else surf the web and download Russian films you've never heard about that LOOK cool. Funny heh? But that's how most people roll. Maybe not yourself, but most people don't do that. You see something ugly, you look away. You find something you dont like, you throw it out. Its the way it is.
So if you start off with the bad, your probably not even gonna WANNA see the good. You'll be too sick anyways. You just have to be vigilant, because if someone has bad character traits, for starters, they're almost always visible at the offset for the keep observer. Its when you allow yourself to stay on your lil @new@ cloud that you dont bother trying to see it. So the trick is to see them at first, or take things really slow. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/20/2012 5:09:55 PM |
I really like when a man tells me, "ask me anything". It just makes me believe he has a good soul.
Interesting comment... that made me realize something. While I've always been that way, I've never, ever, ever had a woman throw out such an offer. Maybe that's because of the thing about a woman needing to keep "some" mystery about her, I don't know... but I just realized I've never read that in a woman's profile or had a woman say it to me, in writing or in person. | |
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AJ2517
| | Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 67 | |
| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/20/2012 5:25:02 PM | | I see at least 90% of these forum threads and how a poster will ask a question and the red flags about that person would be flashing very big!!..You can get a very good idea about someone just by "hearing" them....I am a very good judge of character and along with that understand that some things are something I may not like ....The thing is when those things are not deal breakers, I don't sweat them, I accept that we are different people and not to get uptight about things that don't matter in the scheme of things....So do I need to know those little quirks?....No....Pretty much common sense but sorry to say, most do not have much of that! | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/23/2012 4:00:09 PM | | I met a guy and on the first date he told me two of his daughters were in jail his brother had just dies of aids and he had a panic attack the day before on the interstate and had to pull over for an hr. Need I say it was the first and last date lol! way to much info on a first meeting lol!But hopefully his worst! | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/24/2012 2:40:16 AM | you are not all wrong but I think it is important to be honest. I get sick of people saying the past doesnt' matter. the heck is doesnt.
I dont want someone who slept with half the club and did drugs with the other half; I also dont want someone that has a history of lying and cheating or has a bunch of kids from all sorts of guys.
the past does count and you are not all wrong. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/24/2012 5:12:23 AM | I understand what your saying, but wouldn't you want to know if someone is an alcoholic before you get emotionally attached and invested
Alcoholics tend to reveal pretty early whether they intended to or not. An alcoholic who admits being an alcoholic to him/herself will have no problem admitting it to you either. Paradoxically, many admitted alcoholics tend to be more self-aware than other people because they have to be in order to manage their condition, so being honest is the least of their challenges. Next question.
What if that person has 6 figures worth of debt?
I'm not sure how that's relevant to you if you're just dating, because that stuff doesn't rub off. If marriage is on the table then yes questions about financial status become relevant. Otherwise it's really none of your business.
Or has an STD? Can't exactly wait to find that out, ya know?
Ask your partner to get a doctor's approval before jumping in the sack with each other. Lots of people do that. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/24/2012 5:23:30 AM |
Its easy to learn the worst...just listen to the person talk, and DON'T judge.
guess you are saying you don't judge verbally...
because what your doing "is" judging... judging if they are for you or not by alowing them to feel as if your not going to judge them for being who and what they are.
The actuality of it is, we all judge and then make choices upon whatever info we get. | |
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| I want to know the worst of you before I learn the best of you
Posted: 3/24/2012 7:44:55 AM |
I did that once. You know, to test ur theory, well, he ran for the hills. LOL!!!!! I think I will stick to the ole BAIT & SWITCH method!!!
.....please don't say "bait"!!! LOL
I've always been 100% open from the moment I begin dialogue with someone, as I don't want them to feel "surprised" or use that as an excuse down the line when more is invested. Now I know I cannot expect the same from a potential partner, but if I communicate upfront then I feel I've done what I can. If they drop a bombshell 4-5-6 months down the road that they have a disease that is communicable.....then I have a right to be upset/hurt/angry or end the relationship guilt free. | |
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