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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?      Home login  
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 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 176
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?Page 8 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
What makes me laugh (sorry to steal your lines) are people who can't distinguish a friend with a phucking benefit and money loaning benefit to "friend" female or male, to an exclusive love relationship..... LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Believe me a woman who use her brain above her shouder knows what is a friend with benefits and even she uses her brain between her legs ,she still knows what is a FWBs. just my 2 cents
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 177
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 11:33:34 AM
Truthfully, right now that is my very intent. I just changed my mail settings and unblocked these very settings. Right now I'd love to have a relationship but at the same time I've got a lot going on right now. I've got soul searching to do before I can fully want a full blow relationship.

I am a man and have needs as well. Wouldn't mind having a FB or FWB with someone just to help each other with these needs. Its almost sad to say that's what I want at even 35 years old. But I had a epiphany and realized a relationship is not what I need right now.
 CJinCentralPa
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 178
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:32:07 PM
I fell into a FWB with my first ex girlfriend many moons ago.

We had crossed paths about a year after breakup and she had lost a lot of weight. I had always found her attractive but man...it was a combination of weight loss and her carrying herself with renewed confidence and self esteem. Yadda yadda yadda we had a FWB thing for about three weeks.

It came to an end because I had that look on my face like the murdered people in "The Ring" after sex that last few times (I had told myself I would never get into a relationship again with her and here I was) ...I had to tell her I couldn't handle it...she got upset and disappeared and I never saw her again (although she tracked me down on the computer but that is another story)

Personally I can't handle FWB. For something so simple it has the tendency to become complicated. The tricky part these days is I have a female friend and her and I sometimes drift toward FWB but we keep each other in check and just remind each other about the things we can't stand about each other...equivelant to a cold shower.
 CHULO_MALO2010
Joined: 2/18/2012
Msg: 179
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:58:25 PM
It actually IS easier to have a FWB. There are no expectations, no jealousy, no pressure and no committment. It's all about fun and no obligations. No nagging, family drama, no having to spend crazy amount of money on gifts....the list goes on and on. Definitely easier!!
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 180
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 3:19:39 PM
Quite an interesting thread.

By the replies to this topics it is apparent that the term FWB is very ambiguously defined. I'd like to share my viewpoint on the FWB situation but, before I do so, I'd like to define what FWB means to me.

First, what it doesn't mean. FWB is _not_ a FB, far from it. a FB is someone that we may be somewhat acquainted with. Anyone that has had a one night stand, in my mind has had a FB for one night. Dogs have FBs. Dogs do _not_ have FWB. a FB "relationship" is one where two people use each other's bodies solely for sexual gratification. That is NOT a FWB relationship.

Now, what is a FWB relationship ?

Yes, it is sexual but, it is as much (if not more) about sharing care and affection as it is about sex. That's why it is called FRIENDS... as I GENUINELY CARE because you are my FRIEND. A FWB relationship is inherently monogamous, based on trust and genuine mutual caring.

Now, some may be reading that and wondering, well, what the difference between that and a long term relationship ? The differences are mostly that, (1) both parties know the relationship will not end up marriage. (2) Both parties retain their independence, certain aspects of the lives of the participants will not be shared (i.e bank accounts, raising kids, caring for ailing parents, and other such personal characteristics of an individual's life.) (3) The relationship is, more often than not, resolved amicably when it becomes obvious that it cannot continue (ever seen FWB battling it out in court ?) (4) The most common reason for FWBs to end is because (a) one fell in love and the other one didn't (compare that to ending it in a law office, fighting over who gets the ashtray) (b) one of the two involved believes s/he found the "one".

A FWB is appealing (an option) to some people (myself included) because, after accumulating a certain amount of experience in life, we find that the search for the mythical "one" is rather complex, not to mention there is no guarantee of success (neither in finding FWB but at least more likely). Additionally, the search for the "the one" is rather loaded with baggage, preconditions, predispositions and expectations from the very start, which do not contribute to success but failure.

Those who search for FWB did NOT settle as some are so fond of pointing out. The participants in a FWB relationship can both keep looking (if that's what they want) while being both, physically and emotionally fulfilled. I can argue convincingly that, an individual that is in a FWB situation is much more likely to make the right choices than one who isn't.

I was in FWBs three times. Two initiated by the girls and one by me. Thinking about any one of them brings fond memories and a smile to my face. I wish I could say the same about the non-FWB I've been a part of.

I am not trying to convince anyone. I just wanted to point out that there are very solid reasons for men and women to consider FWB. If "Long Term Relationships" worked as well as FWBs, this website would not have nearly as many participants.
 musical_turtle
Joined: 3/11/2011
Msg: 181
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 7:31:33 PM
If it works for some, more power to them.
But,I haven't been tempted to look for a FWB.
I don't plan to have a FWB now or in the future. That's not for me.
It's better to be alone imo, than be with someone who's.. meh tolerable
just so I could get laid and have someone around instead of being on my own.
I think those type of arrangements are bound to end bad anyways. I figure one
person will catch feelings lol, and usually it's the woman involved.
Just avoid it, and wait for someone who wants something serious and has
respectable intentions. =)
 MustangGirl1965
Joined: 3/9/2012
Msg: 182
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:19:26 PM
I've been in a FWB relationship. We met in a sports setting; he approached me one evening and we got talking. He eventually asked me for a date and I accepted. He was the first man to express interest in me after I left my marriage. That first date he explained that we would never get into an emotional relationship as he wasn't that kind of man and if I was okay with it, he would like to take me out regularly and be intimate with me but there would be no hope of any future (marriage etc) and that if I didn't think I could remain emotionally detached, he would walk away at any time. This suited me so I accepted his proposal. We had this great relationship for a few months and he always treated me with respect and dignity. We had a great time without any emotional involvement which was exactly what I needed. I regained my self-confidence and felt sexy and desirable for the first time in years.

We are still friends, although we live in different states so no longer see each other. The intimate part of the relationship finished but the friendship remains and always will be there. We speak about once a month or so, just to catch up on each other's lives, and I'm happy to have been in the relationship with him and have no regrets.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 183
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:38:48 PM
I did not read the responses.
I have no interest in a fwb situation.
 krazykurlz
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 184
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/13/2012 9:40:59 PM
MustangGirl, your story is refreshing :) However, I understand the angst and disappointment of those whose FWB arrangements did not fare so well.

The whole idea just doesn't appeal to me. Personally I wouldn't want to be someone's "everything but the commitment" girl. I get emotionally attached pretty easily so I'd just get hurt in the long run (trust me, it's happened!). It's like, the dude is getting everything HE wants without the commitment while I'd feel as if I was getting the short end of the stick.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 185
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/14/2012 11:36:52 AM
I too would like to thank MustangGirl for giving an example of a POSITIVE use of a FwB involvement, and how they CAN run their course without inflicting damage on either participant.

I completely understand that some people could never be comfortable with a FwB, and also to recognize that people might accept or even WANT just a FwB at a certain time( or times) in their life, not as an across-the-board permanent preference. I do not think it is fair to make the pronouncement, that once a person has participated in FwB, FB or other no/limited strings sexual involvement , they are "never any good" for anything BUT limited/no strings sexual liasons.
Sex ,sexuality, sexual conduct and standards should be responsive to ones' own needs, the situation, the timing,the conditions that prevail in one's own life and environment, NOT a written-in-stone one time choice and a permanent committment to that choice. And one should be truthful about ones' sociosexual goals ,or be GENUINELY willing to "go with the flow"-don't try to take an apple and sell it to someone as an orange.
Cindy O
 Texan_Gal
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 186
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/14/2012 12:24:26 PM
No, the thought of a FWB has never appealed to me in the slightest bit. I need to be completely in love with a man before I could even contemplate getting naked with him. I'm not someone who can detach emotion from sex.
 MEXICANLADY42
Joined: 12/5/2011
Msg: 187
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/14/2012 7:58:40 PM
I donĀ“t go to to bed with just any guy because I am horny. The guy in question has to be worth it and gain my respect, admiration and love AND must be willing to be involved in a serious relationship with me . I know it sounds mean and selfish, but think - if you do not treat yourself with respect and know you are a valuable person, nobody else will. FWB? SNORT!
 KeithValentine
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 188
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 9:34:42 AM
Yeah I've been there but sex is easy to get if you find like minded people. So I don't lack sex buddies.What I lack is a woman who is a "Keeper" as you put it.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 189
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 9:43:59 AM
To be honest... yes. BEcause to me friends aren't a sub standard wanna be status; I LIKE my friends, we care how each other is thnking, love hanging out and laughing, enjoying time together, can talk about everything and anything and are there for each other.

And have developed trust. Add to that someone where someone can be intimate, sensual and sexual, KNOWING they will be there the next morning without worrying about what that "means", worrying over whether someone will immediately start thinking longterm that second and then get the whole freaked out analysis by paralysis thing, and then emotionally get themselves so freaked out they get bi polar and emotionally shutdown; the friend would know they're safe, comfortable and a wanted person to wake up with and not do that whole "a woman must have expectations and will immediately want to take me over mind numbing fear that SO many people get buried alive by when they project all this stuff on someone who is just laying there enjoying the hell out of a good cuddle".

I haven't done it; but it does sound a lot less comlicated. I want the uncomplication of friends with benefits with the exclusivity of a LTR... without the stupid mind games. :)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 190
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 12:54:53 PM
Thanks to messages # 187 and 197 for adding their voices to to the explanation that a genuine FwB is not about somebody using somebody else for sex, for clarification that it is not a detached, emotionless "mutual masturbation" event.

For those who are committed to a standard of "no sex unless it is within a committed relationship"-that's fine...dating is NOT about pressuring people to do something they aren't comfortable with. But there still seems to be a good deal of misperception about FwB by both genders. How much confusion about or opposition to FwBs is due to genuine misunderstanding and how much is due to misuse of the term(whether accidental or wilfull) is hard to say.
Speaking to the title question-I'm also not sure how many people actually set out to "look" for FwB as a preferential type of involvement,I'm more inclined to think that a lot of them just sorta happen. But if a person reaches the conclusion that they are better served to intentionally choose FwBs, I don't guess there is much we can say except to ask that care be taken not to hurt your FwB partner-please make sure that everybody is on the same page.
Cindy O
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 191
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/15/2012 5:54:52 PM


But have YOU ever gotten to that point ? Or think it might be easier somehow ?


In the past, it just happened but, ironically enough, I think this thread which made me think about it, has gotten me to that point. The FWBs I was in were hands down much better than the "permanent" relationships I've been in. When I say much better, I mean, they were _always_ rational, balanced and, reasonable. Those are characteristics that eventually got lost in the "permanent relationships".

As far as being easier, the answer is yes. That "yes" comes from the fact that the lives of two people don't have to be eventually merged. That's makes a lot of things easier. Another thing that makes it easier is that if you are in a FWB with a genuine friend, you can talk about a lot of things/situations that one cannot easily talk about in a "permanent" relationship. Another reason is that, when the time comes to end it (if it comes), it always ends _well_ (compared to a divorce, for instance.)

Lastly, after reading all the posts in this thread a second time, a number of ironies hit me and made me think about what happens in a "permanent" relationship (for lack of a better moniker). I'll share just a few of the thoughts because I don't want to bore anyone. Everyone, please note, it is _not_ my intention to change anyone's mind. I just want to share a few observations.

(1.) a FWB requires the creation of a genuine friendship first. This takes time which means that a significant amount of time elapses _before_ the relationship becomes sexual. Contrast this with the standard "permanent" relationship. In those relationships sex occurs much before a true, solid and lasting friendship develops. In other words, the participants become romantic FBH (that's "Fvck Buddies with Hope") until that "in love" feeling hopefully develops. I find it ironic and amusing, that those who end up in the sack first, with little basis other than "chemistry" (FBH), pass moral judgement on those who took the time to build a genuine friendship beforehand (FWB).

2. By far, the most common type of "permanent" relationship is the one which starts as FBH (see 1. above), goes through a period of bliss and then deteriorates into HFB (Hopeless Fvck Buddies). The participants stay together because neither is fond of the idea of being sexless in POF looking for a new FBH. These HFB relationships constitute a good part of the almost bottomless well of players, deadbeats and cheaters most women (and some men) in POF complain about. Ironically, in an FBH, after one of the participants silently decides that the "permanent" relationship isn't so permanent anymore (for him or her), there is usually a period of time that elapses before the relationship is brought to an end. During that period of time, one of the participants is effectively and unknowingly in a FWB relationship that will most likely not end as friends.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 192
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/19/2012 11:43:54 AM
I hate posting on these FWB threads, but sometimes I can't resist.

Everyone seems to have a definition of FWB. If you're a fan, looking for one for yourself and/or haven't been on the hurtful end of one you tend to say they're great relationships that fill a gap between relationships when you're too busy or incapable of having a real relationship. If you're not a fan of FWB you say they're dangerous and someone usually gets their feelings hurt.

Let's be realistic. Every relationship is complicated. You are not going to be in a relationship that isn't. If FWB had agreed upon rules/regulations & wasn't complicated everyone would be in a monogamous FWB relationship & we'd all be happy as clams. Thinking you're going to get hot, wild, regular sex with someone who is not sleeping with anyone else & without any complications and without romantic feelings coming into play is setting yourself up for failure.

My advice is keep it SHORT TERM and constantly remind yourself that you're single & can't count on this person to be your "plus one" to anything. You are alone. Keep in mind that they can suddenly decide they want a relationship (just not with you) or that they want a relationship with you (but you are happy with the way things are). Just like with any other relationship they could meet someone else or you could find out they're seeing someone else. Does it make it better if they say "it's not cheating, we're just FWB. Go get yourself a spare or even better just join us."??? (yes, men in FWB still ask for the same crazy stuff men in relationships ask for...they just don't feel the need to do the extra nice stuff for you)

Final note...every semi-attractive woman I know has a list of dudes willing to give her FWB at the drop of a text. She doesn't have to "go looking" to make it happen.
 redsox322
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 193
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/19/2012 11:45:40 AM
Must be nice I pretty much have to pay someone to get laid :( It feels like that. Cant seem to find anyone I want to sleep with in my area. tampa is full of black men no offense not my cup of tea or like college kids so im sol
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 194
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/19/2012 4:20:54 PM
^^^ domo31...you should move to Charlotte! You'd have more dudes offering FWB than there are days in the week.(or some other variety of NSA baloney, varies based on your personal definition)
 TallGlass30
Joined: 8/17/2011
Msg: 195
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/19/2012 4:27:08 PM
It's a good thing to be upfront with people.

I don't mind if someone has had a lot of sex when it comes to whether or not I can get to know them, be sweet with them, consider them real dating material. So I have nothing against casual love making... woo hoo sex is fun. But it has always seemed, in my experience, that people really don't think about what they desire enough, and get foncused about what they were really doing... It never enters the equation and sometimes it's too late and you feel like you were pissing around. It's like masturbating but with a partner.
 redsox322
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 196
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 5/19/2012 4:59:33 PM
Lol I do miss Nc very much hahaha
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 197
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Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 8/28/2012 11:46:45 PM

We are still friends, although we live in different states so no longer see each other. The intimate part of the relationship finished but the friendship remains and always will be there. We speak about once a month or so, just to catch up on each other's lives, and I'm happy to have been in the relationship with him and have no regrets.

I had several FWB since my divorce and the friendship still remains even though our circumstances are different and we no longer have sex.

We had an agreement to sleep with one another from time to time and socialise if we were both between relationships. We weren't relationship material but it is possible for friends to be intimate and we were genuinely happy for each other when we eventually ended up in relationships with others.

Just like Mustang I have no regrets either.
 remixfa
Joined: 4/19/2009
Msg: 198
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 8/29/2012 6:23:02 AM

IF everyone could just relax and put that fine advice into practice, there would likely be many more couples out there enjoying life, doing many things together without having to conform/label/keep up appearances for family/friends or social groups...


Got that right. Honesty is the key to every relationship.. friends or other wise.
 remixfa
Joined: 4/19/2009
Msg: 199
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 8/29/2012 6:33:24 AM
Friends with Benefits is a misnomer. Its so undefined to most people, its not funny.

In a very general term, any one that is marry-able is a "friend with benefits". You better not be "in love" with someone you dont consider a close friend.. its not love other wise.

An FB is exactly what it sounds like. you randomly communicate with the person "hey, im horny.. you horny? wanna fix that".. and thats the end of the relationship. A FwB is someone you enjoy hanging out with socially, dont mind introducing to your friends, ect. The "FwB" is a non-romantic, yet physical friendship. It doesnt have to be monogamous (and normally isnt), and there are generally set rules on boundaries to the FwB. Breaking those rules normally breaks the whole thing. Its not someone you see all the time, but you definitely have more communication/contact than a FB. Thats my view on it anyways. To people in an open relationship with their spouse, a FwB that can respect boundaries is a golden find.
 Phil_an_derer
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 200
Are you ever tempted to look for FWBs - instead ?
Posted: 8/29/2012 8:59:52 AM
Am I ever tempted! Yes....Why! one night stands are far to complicated!"smiling"....
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