| | Screening while on POFPage 4 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | OP, I won't stoop to calling you paranoid or delusional. But, being as you are a nurse, WHY are you putting yourself through this?
I realize there's more to the story than what you've posted here. But, damn woman, you need to distance yourself from this man and get on with your life. If that should happen to mean therapy, then so be it. Don't depend on the police or courts for an order of protection. Just distance yourself from this man, don't have any further contact with him. I think your main concern should be repairing your relationship with your family..........especially your children.......... | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 1:14:27 PM | | Just forget about the protection order & concentrate on getting yourself healthy. As a professional you must realize there is something wrong with a person that would continue in an abusive relationship, especially when she now has the opportunity to walk away. Walk away while you can. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 1:34:20 PM | Don't go near him.
Don't go to his house.
If he shows up at your door, you call the police.
As for your stuff-well, you may be sh*t out of luck. You have got to detach from this man.
As for your family-how are they abusing you? It sounds like they have simply cut you out of their lives, and much as that sucks, it ain't abuse.
If you cannot prove ownership of the stuff you claim he's holding hostage, then you may have to let it go. Next time you need to move stuff, hire 2 Men and a Truck-and put it in a storage unit that YOU control. The police, unfortunately, have to first deal with REAL crimes, they cannot get into the middle of every squabble over stuff that erupts between exes, family members, estranged roommates...
Why do you need the help of the police or the courts? If you sever contact with him, and he shows up at your door, THEN you have the right to call the police to remove a trespasser. If he accosts you in public-scream and make a scene.
Now, somebody with more legal knowledge might have to chime in here-but can't she have an attorney send him a "cease and desist" letter stating that "he is not to contact her in any way, go to her home, or accost her as she goes about her daily business"-something on that order? Which-I should think- WOULD entitle her to contact the police if he DOES contact her, shows up at her door or accosts her as she goes about her daily business.
OP you have got to let this go, you need to sever ties and walk away. You don't seek him out, you don't go to his house, you don't call, email or text him. Block him from your page in any social networking site.
CEASE COMMUNICATION. If he offers to let you get your stuff-tell him to bring it to a neutral location( like a public storage-unit facility where you have rented a space.
If you possibly can, bring someone with you-or is this guy the only human contact you have?
Anyway, avoid contacting or engaging with him. What's he gonna do, send the cops to drag you back to his house?
Cindy O | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 1:52:52 PM | Terrie, I would love to repair my relationship with my family. I have bent over backwards but whatever nice things I do for them, sarcasm gets shot back. I tell my son I love him and he swears at me. Now my family have an order of protection against me. I really think it was because me and my mom did not see eye to eye, she told them things and they have formed a biased opinion of me. I still loved my mom and brought her food from store and helped her with as much as I could. But she would get mad when I was being nice to her. When I brought her food, she accused me of trying to give her work to do. When I wanted to treat her out to a restaurant, she refused to go.
If I knew what the problem is with my sister and my son, I would know what to do. They refuse to communicate and sabotage every good thing that I try to do. It troubles me that no matter what I say or do, they bully me or use sarcasm when I am doing kind things. When I invited my first cousin to the cemetary, my sister told me to call her up and uninvite her. If I did not do this, she said that she will change the date my mom is being buried and I will not be able to go either. She also stated that if she does not approve what I say to my mom, she will call the police and escort me out. Nice things to say while my mom is on her deathbed. I was just there to comfort my mom and help her to eat. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 2:31:46 PM |
I just do not know what to do
OP. Don't spend all of your energies here defending yourself. You asked a question and I have read quite a number of very good suggestions. The suggestion I like most is the ones telling you to leave it alone. Stay away from him. Ignore him. If he calls don't answer. If he texts, don't text back. Sure it's annoying, but it's what you have to do. If you had the resources I'd tell you to go on a long vacation. Get away from it all and get your head straight.
As for your belongings. If you had to make a choice between your happiness and all of your belongings, what would you choose? You'll never find happiness with a man like that, so the choice is easy. If your belongings are that important to you, then tell him you are having someone pick them up. If he refuses than that's that.
You really are making things more complicated than they need to be. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 2:37:12 PM | He's a control freak and is stringing you along.
Cut him out of your life and get some help for yourself. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 2:45:48 PM |
I guess I am still with him because of the history we have. He knows my family and my mom died last year and he could identify because he knows them vs. a man that does not know my family.
What does knowing your family have to do with anything? If your family knows him, why aren't they telling you to ditch him-unless they have and you're ignoring their advice? And yet you haven't met his family after seven years. Things that make you go hmmm. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 3:24:20 PM | | Web search information on " Narcissistic, Narcissism". You'll understand why I have pointed you in that direction. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 3:24:38 PM |
Now my family have an order of protection against me. I really think it was because me and my mom did not see eye to eye, she told them things and they have formed a biased opinion of me.
Oh, I see, YOUR family can get a restraining order/protection order based just on things your mom told them-without the police report you claim you are being told you must have to protect yourself against a man you allege has physically abused you? Something here is really whacked, or else you live in one seriously f*cked up jurisdiction.
I'm sorry you lost your mom. I'm sorry that your family seems to have turned against you, and in the process turned the police and everyone else against you as well?
Have you considered relocating so you can get a fresh start without all this hassle with whoever/whatever, that has turned your family, your "sorta" bf, the community and the local police against you?
I tell my son I love him and he swears at me.
Well, then quit telling him you love him. Quit doing stuff for your ungrateful family, and stop all contact with this lameass loser man.
Do you actually, REALLY!- want advice about what to do, or are you just fishing for a pity party?
There are no magic words we can tell you to say, there is no secret formula we can tell you to mix up and pour over your bf(or whatever he is), and your family that will turn this around. I'm not sure it CAN be turned around-frankly,my dear-the whole kit and kaboodle of them sound like one bigass toxic spill, I think you'd be better served in fixing your own life so you don't need them in it. I don't care who did what to who, I don't care about speculation that you are not an innocent victim in this-professional victim, maybe-but not an innocent one. This drama needs to have the curtain dropped on it-"THE END"-and you are the one with the curtain pull rope in your hand.
Cindy O | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 3:54:45 PM | threads like this are why it's such a struggle for the good guys to find someone.... REALLY?
Forget he exists and move on. It's creepy to keep track that much of what someone else does. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:22:29 PM | Why you bother with him for so long is beyond me. He treats you with disrespect and you know it.
You must be obsessed. I think you like all the drama. What have you invested in the relationship? It doesnt sound worth even a moment of your time or energy, frankly. You mistake his jealousy for love and it is not necessarily so. Women make that mistake and put up with all sorts of behaviour. It is a toxic relationship that I hope for your sake doesnt last much longer. You need to get counselling. We are only hearing one side of the story and not all of it anyway. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:25:07 PM | You've been trying for a long time.. lots and lots of court trys.. to get an order against him (you say)
yet at the same time you're upset because he has other female friends he won't introduce you to
and you wish he would introduce you to his family
and you don't like he's taking another lady on vacation and not you
and the phone calls with him are too short for your liking
and when YOU CALL HIM BACK he doesn't answer.
But you want an order of protection against him.
Very strange. very very strange.
(and no, his phone doesn't beep when you come on POF) LOL!!! | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:25:08 PM | WHOA...Big red flags are waving
This man is an abuser!!!!!!
STOP all communication with him ASAP | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 4:28:58 PM | | OP, please make your next, and last, post on this thread one in which you describe your plan to take our advice and tell us which of those things you've already done - and no more deflection. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 5:03:09 PM | | You can do so much better than this guy. He knows when you are on here because he is paying for the extra information. There are plenty of good men on here looking for great women. I am more than sure that you have met some very nice men on this site. You need to keep your options open for someone who will respect you as a woman and not a toy. It is always okay for men and women to have friends. However, if he handles you the way he does over the phone. Can you honestly say that things will be different in person. You should just let him go and live your life. Life is too short to allow someone to keep you from being happy. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 5:39:57 PM | | To those who responded Thank you for all your feedback. I know what I have to do. This relationship is a dead end and cannot go any further because of various things. One being that I cannot meet his family or friends. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 5:46:36 PM | | Well he was able to tell me the exact time I got on POF and when I got off. I am ignorant when it comes to technology, so I just did not know if there was some gadget or program that allowed him to know this information. He calls me everyday several times. We both call since we just recently again started being exclusive again. In the past, I tried getting an order of protection. But like many relationships, when you have bumps, you forgive and try again. Lately he has gotten this same behavior as before when we broke up. I do not know why he will not introduce me to his female friends, unless there is something he is hiding.. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 5:53:07 PM | unless there is something he is hiding..
He is hiding something .... YOU!
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 6:47:57 PM | | Its not easy to change people, especially if hes your age. Sounds like a control freak to me. I know you said that you have already invested alot of time into this relationship but it almost sounds like he has lots to hide..not letting you meet his friends and family...Hmmmm | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 8:37:47 PM |
threads like this are why it's such a struggle for the good guys to find someone.... REALLY? I'm not sure we know who the 'good guy' is. We are getting one version of this story from someone who may well be a very unreliable narrator. I'm getting the impression there is actually no 'relationship' except in the imagination of the OP. Seven years have ostensibly gone by, during which they have never gone on a trip together, yet he takes other women on trips. He has ' female friends', but the OP is not allowed to meet them. This could be that during the 7 years she has known this man, he has been dating and had girlfriends, but the OP isn't one of them. I think it's very possible the OP is obsessed with someone who is not a boyfriend and the only relationship is one of someone who is obsessed with another person, a person who allows her to have some contact with him, and may have been involved with her in the past, he may even use her for casual sex, but he does not consider her his girlfriend. The fact of the extremely fractured and dysfunctional relationships she has with all her family members signals someone who has problems with everyone she is involved with, who is possibly unable to form normal relationships with anyone. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 9:14:12 PM | Probably he uses his cell phone to go on the internet and goes on POF as we go on POF on the computer. So it's easy to understand how he knows when you are on POF by seeing your screen name on here. No way he could know by his phone beeping. He's a liar. He's trying to scare you.
And it seems like you let him to control you. If you don't let him, he cannot do that. There's a saying: "When you want to be a doormat, somebody will step on you." So, if you don't want anyone to step on you, don't be a doormat. Just simple as that. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 9:50:50 PM | I'm not sure we know who the 'good guy' is. We are getting one version of this story from someone who may well be a very unreliable narrator. I'm getting the impression there is actually no 'relationship' except in the imagination of the OP. Seven years have ostensibly gone by, during which they have never gone on a trip together, yet he takes other women on trips. He has "female friends", but the OP is not allowed to meet them. This could be that during the 7 years she has known this man, he has been dating and had girlfriends, but the OP isn't one of them. I think it's very possible the OP is obsessed with someone who is not a boyfriend and the only relationship is one of someone who is obsessed with another person, a person who allows her to have some contact with him, and may have been involved with her in the past, he may even use her for casual sex, but he does not consider her his girlfriend. The fact of the extremely fractured and dysfunctional relationships she has with all her family members signals someone who has problems with everyone she is involved with, who is possibly unable to form normal relationships with anyone. This may also be why she doesn't meet his family, because she is not his girlfriend.
I was introduced to POF due to him being on it while we were dating and he was also dating others from POF. There never was a 'relationship.' He may have dated her, but he was also dating others.
when he calls me in the am our calls are quick and he ends them through an argument. Later, when I call him back at night he doesn"t answer the phone. He calls her maybe out of habit or to keep her under some kind of control but held at arm's length. He doesn't return her calls to him.
He tells me that his friends do not like me because I am causing problems for him ......If I do meet a couple, they report back to him what I say His friends know about the OP, but she is not invited to spend time with him when he's with them, and they 'report back to him what she says': sounds to me like he's told his friends this woman causes him problems and to let him know if she somehow has interaction with them, he wants to know. In a way, he treats her like a stalker or someone who is obsessed with him that he's trying not to antagonize but keep at arm's length.
She has also said when she talks to any of his 'women friends' they also report back to him. How doe she gain access to these people when he does not allow it? Is she invited by them or him to be interacting with his friends and girlfriends?
when I called the police on things in the past they refuse to take a complaint and you need a complaint to get an order of protection. When I went to court the judge would not give me an order of protection even after i appealed with an atty. The court gave me the same judge who would not give me one after the appeal went into place 2 yrs after the fact. The cops do not care if he stalks me. The police and courts have seen no reason for her to get a order of protection against this guy, another reason to consider this may all be in her imagination. She claims he 'stalks' her, which may be projection, her projecting on to him what she's doing to him. She claims she wants an order of protection at the same time lamenting the fact he doesn't introduce her to his family, friends, and female friends and doesn't answer her phone calls, dates other women, doesn't take her on trips, etc. | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 10:14:07 PM | You put a lot of complaints into your post. You then show a very shallow relationship that is extremely dysfunctional.
If you are getting more from strangers, then you need to really wake up.
You should not be with this person but you are trying to make something out of nothing. You keep saying what a victim you are but you still stay.
Leave him and move on. he's a loser and a jerk and you need to talk to someone to build up your self esteem so you dont stay in something so bad. I wish you well | |
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| Screening while on POF
Posted: 4/4/2012 10:49:20 PM | OP, your profile stating you're a registered nurse and educator. As in your position, I think you would know a lot and educate staff at a hospital, a long-term care, or clients if you're a community nurse, about issues regarding abuse and how to solve the problems. I can’t understand how you let that guy abuse you so badly for so long?
Have you been working too much, too hard, getting stressed out, becoming insane, hallucinating? Get help from Professionals immediately! | |
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