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| | 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !Page 14 of 25 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25) |
I think that is the problem with dating someone who has had a spouse pass away. if they had a very successful marriage and were very happy, then you will probably find yourself competing with the one who has departed.
I have dated 3 widowers. Their wives had been dead 5 yrs., 2 yrs. and 1 yr. Yes they all talked about their departed spouses. Two were not ready for anything but casual dating and also felt they were cheating on their wives. Surprisingly it was the two who had been widowed the longest. All three had long marriages.
I am a widow also of over a year. One thing I think makes a difference in me is that my late husband and I talked about what we would do with our life if the other one died. I have been able to move on from a happy and successful 25 yr. marriage back into the dating field. I have dated divorced, single and widowed men. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 5:55:19 AM | Your logic would be better if she had gone on the date and had cried the whole time
No, my logic is that divorcee's are the only one's granted reprieve from not being over their past and W's are left out of comppassionate understanding...afterall, the divorcee did go on the first date and then decided she had issues...from there the suggestions here have been to give her time and then re-attempt re-connect...though for W's who've lost their spouse's the suggestions have been to treat them like the plague. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 6:21:50 AM |
though for W's who've lost their spouse's the suggestions have been to treat them like the plague.
this is exactly how I was treated in the first 7 years of widowhood. I have come to the mindset that I would not even want to date someone who thinks that I should be avoided....their loss. I am not going to beat myself to a pulp trying to change anyone's mind. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 9:54:43 AM | ""I think that is the problem with dating someone who has had a spouse pass away. if they had a very successful marriage and were very happy, then you will probably find yourself competing with the one who has departed.""
How about the ongoing saga of an ex.? How about ongoing or never ending custody battles? How about continued legal wranglings for uping child support/alimony, etc.? How about the daily/weekly dealings with an ex regarding who picks up/drops off the kids, etc.? How about the fact that the divorce person is not over the ex, didn't want a divorce in the first place? How about the entire thread about "would you go back to an ex you cared about"? How about someone actually going back to an ex - they are very much alive?
I don't want anyone not over their prior relationship. BUT, I still think that a person doesn't know if they are truly ready to date until they are sitting across the dinner table with someone...and IF that person (when contacted for date #2) says something like "I'm sorry, I don't think I'm ready" I have no problem with that. Again, what did that take out of my life - a couple of hours and a meal...that's it.
It all boils down to a couple of things - ask proper questions before agreeing to meet (like how long have you been divorced/widowed), a first date or two does not equal any sort of committment, be healed before you date and if you find out (and you can only find this out by actually going on a date) that you aren't ready, be up front about it. Be honest with yourself and with a potential date.
And if you find out you're not ready to date, take some time, whatever time you need and give a try later. And if you are the person that goes out with that someone who turns out to not be ready to date - give that person some slack, it's not the end of the world, you lost nothing but some time. Don't lump them all in a category. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 10:32:54 AM |
think that is the problem with dating someone who has had a spouse pass away. if they had a very successful marriage and were very happy, then you will probably find yourself competing with the one who has departed.""
As a person who is widowed from a solid marriage, my position is that any man who is STUPID enough to think that there can be some kind of "competition" with a man who is dead, is not a man I'd care to be with. I don't subscribe to any "the ONE" theory. Nor do I accept the "you should be grateful for attention from anything with a Y chromosome and a pulse" school of thought.
I don't think I can remember any dating involvement, relationship, FwB, that was ended by a man who felt he was "in competion" with my late husband.
The unfortunate thing about returning to the dating scene after the death of a spouse or the death of a marriage/LTR, is there is a certain amount of trial and error to the process. Even someone who is a " never married",at 45+, may have some "issues" that will come up and derail a seemingly forward-progressing involvement.
The art of dating in the 45+ pool, is to not let your imagination run very far and start designing that "happily ever after" vision/dream too soon, regardless of the direction your object of interest came from( widowed, divorced, never married/long-term committed).
The flaw does not lie with the widowed(or divorced person)-it lies with the person who gets their hopes up too much, too soon. I know, it's difficult to face the fact that you set yourself up for a fall, it's so much easier to blame the category from which the person who "let you down" came from.
But they didn't do anything to you, you did it to yourself.
Now, let me head the "yahbutts" off at the pass, so to speak. I'm not talking about being cold, distrustful, suspicious, unfeeling...I'm simply suggesting that you be alert to keeping your imagination from running away from you.
When it comes to those over 45 who are unpartnered, we all have to realize that this is 2012, not 1912-there have been so many advances in social attitudes, financial factors, technology, etc, that pair bonding is no longer a matter of socioeconomic and practical necessity, so nobody has that pressure to help them make an involvement go where he or she wants it to. One is better served, IMO, to not worry so much about a "destination" or "goal"( marriage or committed LTR) and enjoy the experiences that come your way. Again, this is not about "resignation" "defeatism" or accepting dates with people you really don't feel any attraction for, or accepting a level of involvment that is unsatisfactory to you.
This is 2012, men and women over 45 do not have to "settle" if they choose not to.
Cindy O | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 11:55:03 AM | Just had to input, but please understand that I did not read through all posts. My input is: I am a widow(ess) and have been divorced a couple of times. Have had other relationships. However, I find that People talk about their Past relationships, and I don't mind listening. I find that People, not just the widows, Miss their prior people. Me Too!
But please do Not go on and on and on talking about the priors to other people, unless it is relavantly funny stories.
Golly gee gals and guys, it's time to hang up the comparisons, what ifs, o woe is me.
When someone talks a blue streak about their late o'great one; mention that you realize they had a great relationship and that the wonderful news is that they have an opportunity to have more great relationships.
Then start talking about the weather. They get the hint. Or not, and you find a new person to chat with. I also have found that some people want others to feel sorry for them. It's like one of those mental "syndromes".
Sorry I am so blunt. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 2:47:08 PM | @Irish--you still arent getting it--it is about the individual not the way they became single
afterall, the divorcee did go on the first date and then decided she had issues...
please stop reading what you want into what that man said--please go back and reread it--he had the first date and THEN HER EX HUSBAND DIED --not that they had the date and then she told him her ex had died before they met and she was having trouble dealing with it--If she was like me when my ex died my concern was for our children and helping them deal with the death of their father vs trying to date anyone--did it mean I wasn't ready cause he had died--no but it did bring the whole aspect of death (he was the 9th family member in 9 years--my baby, aunts, close cousins, grandparents and then my ex).
--and you are wrong on a very big issue---try putting separated on your status and see what type of contact you have--see that is one of the biggest difference between someone who is divorced and someone who is widow/widower-- it goes single-married-separated-divorced--vs single-married-widow/widower--there is a clue when someone says on their profile they are separated--and it is unfortunate that there isnt that for someone who has had their spouse die--i guarantee you that separated would love to have the issues that a widow/widower has.
Again as long as yall wanna preach that widow/widower are better than divorce you are going to find the hate coming back at ya--the only ones other than the orginial op and a few flakes who are saying there is something wrong with a widow/widower are the ones responding to the undeserved bashing yall are giving to divorce people which is so stupid--imho--what does one have to do with another?
It is about mentally unhealthy emotional needy people who arent ready for dating--doesnt matter if they are single, married, divorced, separated, living together, or a widow/widower. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 3:05:02 PM | ""It is about mentally unhealthy emotional needy people who arent ready for dating--doesnt matter if they are single, married, divorced, separated, living together, or a widow/widower.""
Exactly what many of us have been saying on here for half a dozen pages - except for the "3 strikes you're out" crowd.
Folks should go read CindyO's last post, read it a couple of times. OyVay said basically the same thing a couple pages ago. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 4:46:33 PM |
he had the first date and THEN HER EX HUSBAND DIED
Funny...I didn't get the time trail that way...I read there was a date and then a disclosure...though no time trail to put the death before or after...still the issue is that some give compassion for the divorcee's loss and not to the W's...wadeva..
Again as long as yall wanna preach that widow/widower are better than divorce
This is in your mind...I've asked you to quote the posts that say W's feel superior...and am still waiting. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 4:54:05 PM |
he had the first date and THEN HER EX HUSBAND DIED
Funny...I didn't get the time trail that way...I read there was a date and then a disclosure...though no time trail to put the death before or after...still the issue is that some give compassion for the divorcee's loss and not to the W's...wadeva..
I had lunch with a divorcee in a nearby town three weeks ago and we really liked each other. Planned on meeting again.
Then I get an email from her saying she's emotionally devistated and distraught because she has learned that her ex has died. Says she's canceling our date and needs time to come to grips.
It was after they had already met and she cancelled the second meeting --like most of us would--seriously?
If you care to view my posting history it was quoted two or three times-- | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 7:25:37 PM | So this is still going on, huh?
There seems to be a lot of things being stated as fact when they are anything but.
We don't think we're better than divorced folks. We just wonder what we've done to be considered worse.
We don't think divorced folks are losers. At this age, a lot of widows have also been divorced, and if we are to date again,
it is likely our date will be one or the other. The divorced are guilty of one thing, and that is not being able to see into the future. Come to think of it, so are widows. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 7:32:10 PM | | Strangely enough I've never dated a widow. The stories here do give me pause if the temptation ever strikes though. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 7:47:47 PM | If we were all to meet out in the real world, we would disclose how we became single right away? What does it matter? The point is, it should not.
If people need to talk about their past all of the time, they are still living in it. I do not want to spend time with people who are still living in the past. I have learned to ask a few direct questions in a phone conversation first. While I do think Cindy O has a point about not having expectations about a meet and greet, I do think if we have agreed to meet someone, we are expecting good things. People have gone with a good attitude so many times, and have been disappointed more often than not. It is only human nature to want to avoid the same disappointment. That is why this thread has gone on and on, IMO. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 5/31/2012 8:12:11 PM |
Strangely enough I've never dated a widow. The stories here do give me pause if the temptation ever strikes though.
Your dating pool is likely to get smaller and smaller with time, then...but go ahead and stick to the divorcees if you prefer. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 6:53:23 AM | | I would like to reiterate what has been said on previous posts. It is not about the circumstances that one is unattached, whether it be widow, widower, single or divorced. It is about the readiness to move on and begin anew creating a loving a healthy new relationship.I for one wouldn't allow any forums on POF to influence the decisions I make regarding the best choice of who I might choose to date. I would hope that you don't pause too very long. Might miss out on some great gals.!! | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 7:09:08 AM | ""If people need to talk about their past all of the time, they are still living in it. I do not want to spend time with people who are still living in the past.""
That is the truth and it happens no matter how they became single. In my experience it has happened more witht the divorced but that is only because I have met far more divorced.
""People have gone with a good attitude so many times, and have been disappointed more often than not.""
And that is the truth as well - but I still take a bad date with a grain of salt, the date didn't work out and so what...on with my life. It was one coffee meet or one lunch or one dinner. If you go to meet someone for the first time and it doesn't go according to what you have in your head, don't be so disappointed because if you have high expectations of every meet - who is the fool. You are. When I go to meet someone I go with no expections and that is how we all should treat a first meet or first date.
And the reason why this thread has gone on so long is the tired old argument that some see as widows wanting "special treatment". Not one of the widows/widowers that have posted on here have requested special treatment yet one partilar poster has brought that up at least a half dozen times. All ANYONE has asked for is not to be lumped into a category - treat every individual as an individual. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 7:26:48 AM |
And the reason why this thread has gone on so long is the tired old argument that some see as widows wanting "special treatment". Not one of the widows/widowers that have posted on here have requested special treatment yet one particular poster has brought that up at least a half dozen times. All ANYONE has asked for is not to be lumped into a category - treat every individual as an individual.
Isn't it incredible how such an utterly ---- and yes: "tired" -- ridiculous "old argument" continues to be the basis for which "one particular poster" feels compelled to keep on posting relentlessly? Might some people simply enjoy stirring up a pot of stew ---------- long after its contents have been served, enjoyed, thoroughly digested, and the pot has been washed, dried, and put away in the cabinet? Or perhaps like many persons including one of my own near and dear family members, they have reading comprehension challenges . | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 7:51:15 AM | I don't typically have reading comprehension problems.....just some mental fog every now and then--LOL.
I, too, noticed this thread going on a bit without alot of fresh, new perspective...thinkin' maybe we sometimes just don't feel we're able to make our points...so, BY GOD, we hit it again. LOL
out of 343 posts: Ready Real 26
Welsh 28
Giggles 16
damn, didn't count Irish. Y'all are just passionate about your views here. Me???? gonna go get a life now--LOL. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 7:54:52 AM |
don't typically have reading comprehension problems.....just some mental fog every now and then--LOL.
I, too, noticed this thread going on a bit without alot of fresh, new perspective...thinkin' maybe we sometimes just don't feel we're able to make our points...so, BY GOD, we hit it again. LOL
out of 343 posts: Ready Real 26
Welsh 28
Giggles 16
damn, didn't count Irish. Y'all are just passionate about your views here. Me???? gonna go get a life now--LOL.
Why you little 45+ suck up! "Singling out" the ladies, eh? Get back in here and start counting Irish's numbers! :) Hug! | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 9:58:13 AM | | So now I being a widower is undesirable, eh? And here I thought that it was actually better than being divorced because at least we're not carrying anger or bitterness from a failed marriage. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 10:21:04 AM | | Did you read all the threads..? There are differing opinions on the issue. It is really about ones readiness to move forward and leave the past behind. That applies to both widows, widowers and divorced folks. Doesn't matter the circumstance that finds a person unattached, What really matters is have they healed and are they ready to begin anew and create another meaningful relationship.Divorce and death are both losses. It is not about one being better or worse than the other.!! | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 10:31:45 AM | | No, I didn't read all 14 pages, but enough to see that being a widow/widower does carry a negative connotation with *some* people. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 10:34:33 AM | | Well, it isn't better. Just because you're a widower, doesn't mean you had a happy successful marriage. You may very well have, but it isn't a given. Just because someone is divorced doesn't mean they didn't do all that they could to have a successful marriage. The only thing you really know about a stranger who has been divorced or widowed, is that they were married, and now they're not. You don't know whether they were nice or a jerk, supportive or abusive, faithful or not. So basing who you will date, on either one makes little sense to me. There is a much simpler way..... Make them pop those shoes off. Never, ever, date someone whose second toe is longer than their big toe. You're just asking for trouble. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 6/1/2012 10:46:12 AM | | Well said, Widower62. My sentiments exactly!!!!!!! OH, OH, I widowed and divorced so.... so what does that make me? Good and bad? LOL | |
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