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| | 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !Page 2 of 25 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25) |
Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it?
Well excuse me! The question was about dating a widow/er not a divorced guy, or a seaparted guy. Yes she's dated divorced guys, but they didn't have the hangups that the widower had and they didn't 'dump' her because they felt guilty about their dead wife! | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 9:17:13 AM | " they didn't have the hangups that the widower had"
Do people who aren't widowed really think that all widowed people never heal? Sure, a few don't. I am a widow and know that after a few years those who have healed move on with their lives. I am not the same person I was before I was widowed. I haven't sat home for years living the sad life of a widowed person. Only my closest friends know I am widowed. Neighbours, business associates, new friends have no idea why I am single. It just never comes up.
Thing is make a judgement of the situation case by case.
Ps, I wouldn't date someone who need to know the circumstances of how I became widowed. If those I date don't want to know how I am now, what is the point of dating them. Boring.................... | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 9:22:13 AM | I think at a certain point in life, refusing to date men or women
who've been widowed limits your options considerably. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 9:47:22 AM | "Well excuse me! The question was about dating a widow/er not a divorced guy, or a seaparted guy. Yes she's dated divorced guys, but they didn't have the hangups that the widower had and they didn't 'dump' her because they felt guilty about their dead wife!"
You just don't get it - she dated ONE widowed guy (the OP dated 3, most date none) and then made up her mind that EVERY widow/er is like that so she will not date another widowed person. You even say "yes, she's dated divorced guys" - note the plural on "guys" but someone she's made up her mind as to who to date because of ONE bad experience.
It's like I said in my example about dating a blonde - why make assumptions, generalized statements and limit your dating pool based on ONE bad experience. To me, my opinion only - this is stupid.
And just for the record, I dated one widow that wasn't ready to date either. It was a coffee date and a lunch date - a total of maybe 4 hours out of my life before my realization that he was not "dating" material. However, I gained a friend and have known him for 4 years. He is now happily in a relationship after taking an extra year to heal. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 10:48:57 AM | A widow man was talking to me and he just said something strange, I will not say on here.lol
However, I feel often times Widowers look for same type of woman they had as a wife
if they had a Nice, sweet , good relationship. And, that is not always going to happen twice
for them. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 11:05:13 AM |
Do people who aren't widowed really think that all widowed people never heal? Sure, a few don't. I am a widow and know that after a few years those who have healed move on with their lives. I am not the same person I was before I was widowed. I haven't sat home for years living the sad life of a widowed person. Only my closest friends know I am widowed. Neighbours, business associates, new friends have no idea why I am single. It just never comes up.
Thing is make a judgement of the situation case by case.
Well said. I second the above.
In fact? For two years I thought that the one LTR I've had since being widowed 10 years ago was some cosmic miracle happening to me and my kids after 5 years' worth of hell courtesy of Lou Gehrigs Disease that took their dad/my husband from us. My "prince" was GQ gorgeous, the model adult male support/role model for my two boys, intelligent, warm, funny, and madly in love with me. Before meeting him (set up by mutual friends) I was certain that the woman in me had died with my husband of 20 years and that never again would I be capable of "that kind of love/passion/soulmate relationship." WRONG. Dead wrong! We hiked mountains -- literally and figuratively:) :).
Every aspect of the love affair was like a dream. The most amazing thing about the time with him was the way in which I felt "alive" again after feeling like a walking dead woman for five years. . . I fell madly in love with him, and everything i had was his. Unfortunately, he "appropriated" quite a bit of "everything I had" for his own personal use --- unbeknownst to very naive totally trusting me. Ultimately he wanted to be "found out," and when I discovered that he had been stealing money from in effect my now fatherless kids and their dumb as in clueless widowed mom, he swore he would "pay back every cent" and then bolted. That was 5 years ago, and he has remarried a woman a decade plus younger.
Oh, and btw? He was a divorced man when i met him -------- NOT a widow.
The way I look at it --- in retrospect? I paid quite a bit of bucks for sex and companionship and a great father figure to my shell-shocked kids. The sex was through the roof, the companionship was great, and he never missed a band concert, athletic event, or any opportunity to express a loving nurturing way with my kids.
He probably helped our healing process by bringing us "back to life" five years earlier than we would have had he not entered our lives.
He used quite a bit of the money he, um, "appropriated" to pay his ex wife's alimony.
He has yet to repay us a cent (dumb as i was i married him/otherwise he would be in jail -- so several highly regarded professionals assured me) and of course never will repay us a cent.
And again. He was a divorced man --- not a widowed one.
As for me? I like to think that he earned his keep and his pay. Every cent of it:) And it's been onward and upward ever since. The one HUGE thing that he did "give" me -- in exchange for room, board and a salary -- was the knowledge that I can love again. Because I did love again. So to all of you "out there" concerned about a relationship with a widow/er? Don't be. Any more concerned than if the person you meet is divorced, separated, has HIV, has kids who cut themselves, or an axe wielding ex wife. It's all about who we each are. One at a time . One day at a time. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 11:45:12 AM | Well I do not date them which is kind of strange since I myself lost a husband when he was young.. However I did not date for 14 years after that and eventually remarried.. Which was a huge mistake, since this man was not really the marrying kind.. However that is another issue.
I did have contact with someone on here as well as on another blogging site we both belong to.. He kept winking at me and realized he blogged. I found out his wife was dying from Cancer through his blogs and photos.. I honestly thought to myself want kind of man is this that is flirting while his wife is slowing dying in their bedroom..
She passed away a few months ago.. Two months after he passing he blogs about some sexy siren woman that lives in Germany that he is in love with.. He was planning a trip to meet her in person.. All I can say is different strokes for different folks this was not one I wanted in MY LIFE..
I could not imagine for the life of me being married to him.. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 12:04:11 PM | That was a life lesson Ready Real, actually a painful lesson but one that had an outcome far greater than the simple loss of money. I was lucky enough to have someone that taught me that I could love again too, he just happened to be a widower. And it doesn't matter the marital status of the person we met, the importance is we learned we could love.
The other lesson from Ready Real's post is that even though this fellow didn't turn out to be her Prince Charming she didn't say - I'll never date another divorced guy, I'll never date another GQ georgous guy, I'll never date a hiker, I'll never date another intelligent, warm, funny guy, I'll never date another great lover, etc. Instead she learned a few things, like how to select a better mate and probably a few things about herself as well. Life lessons - where would we be without them.
Don't lump everyone into a category. If we based every person from one bad date we'd all be single/not looking and live happily ever after with a large selection of BOB's or blowup dolls and we'd spend our weekends shopping for cute little outfits for our dogs. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 2:01:56 PM | Interesting perspectives from the posts.
About 25 years ago I dated a great woman whose husband had been killed a couple of years earlier. I had more of an issue than she did. I found I just can't be in a relationship with a woman in which her emotional attachment to a former partner isn't completely gone. Perhaps as a guy I'm posssesive and territorial.
When I went through profiles on Match, I skipped the widows. My loss, not theirs but I understand myself and need to be 'everything' to a woman in a relationship and not a replacement instead of a shiny new start. Of course, as we get even older, 'widows' will be more prevalent but perhaps by then we're looking more for companionship.
Anyways. Each to their own. I'm just aware of my own needs and insecurities. My girlfriend never talks much about her former husband...never puts him down...but I like it the few times she's said 'I feel nothing at all towards him'. I feel secure in the finality of her statement. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 2:55:24 PM |
When I went through profiles on Match, I skipped the widows. My loss, not theirs but I understand myself and need to be 'everything' to a woman in a relationship and not a replacement instead of a shiny new start.
How many parents suffer a miscarriage, SIDS death, or loss of a child to childhood cancer, juvenile diabetes, or some other tragedy? How many of these parents decide to have zero more children because any other child conceived in their love would be "a replacement instead of a shiny new start"?
How many parents who elect to have a second (or third or fourth?) child after the death of their firstborn, love these children with any less than "everything" they have in them?
Love begets love. No two children are interchangeable, and no two lovers are interchangeable when it comes to those capable -- and ready-- to give and receive love. Whether love be that between parent/child, siblings, or married couples, people who have received love and given love will continue to do just this whenever they are lucky enough to get a second (or third or fourth) chance. | |
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MACALA
| | Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 36 | |
| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:16:27 PM | A person that goes thru divorce (male or female), has emotionally "left" the relationship. ie.closure.
A widow(er) is robbed of this emotional closure.
That's why it's a risk getting involved with a widow(er.) | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:29:19 PM | Readyreal...not sure of your point? You can love two guys at the same time? As a male I don't want that in my woman. I don't need to bring in a variable to a relationship that I'm not comfortable with. There were profiles of hundreds of women that meet my criteria, why do I want to choose one who doesn't meet my emotional needs ?
Women are noble in their ability to still love someone from the past and not have this diminish their love for someone in the present. As a male, I'm not so noble to accept this from her. I want a woman to be emotionally 100% mine. I'm sure others are fine with it but I'm not. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:33:14 PM | Awwww....chryste...we're all ready to move on when we're ready to move on..and not before.
I'm just ending a relationship with someone who constantly talked about her priors...but it wasn't ok for me to speak of the love of my decease wife...I got it and never mentioned my wife because of the discomfort it brought to the person I was in a relatioship with...still, I hd to mention several times I didn't want to continually hear about her past relationships...
My take on these things is that speaking of past relationships with current lovers is a non-starter...and shouldn't be done....but to say it's just widows/ers isn't part of reality. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:37:18 PM |
Readyreal...not sure of your point? You can love two guys at the same time?
When it comes to romantic love in our mostly monogamous society, most of us love our "guys" or gals one at a time.
My point is that most people capable of giving/receiving love to begin with who suffer the loss of a loved one--- whether it be a child or a spouse --- are very capable of loving any subsequent children or lovers! Because love begets love. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 3:51:55 PM |
Because love begets love.
RR...the issue for us W's is that most diorced people's...didn't end up min loving relationships...and are somewhat jealous of the relationship ending W's have had....even if the W went thru unmidigated HeII in that ending. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 6:10:00 PM | "A person that goes thru divorce (male or female), has emotionally "left" the relationship. ie.closure.
A widow(er) is robbed of this emotional closure.
That's why it's a risk getting involved with a widow(er.)"
That's one of the dumbest things I've read yet, in my opinion. My husband has been dead 7 years. Dead. Not coming back, couldn't get any deader, done, over, dead. Deader than a door nail. No one sleeps in my bed, no one joins me for a meal, I have no ghosts that clean my house, no shrines, nothing. Not coming back - dead. Is that enough emotional closure for you? Emotional closure - that happened many, many years ago.
Just because someone didn't fight with their partner, cheat on their partner, fall out of love with their partner and then follow that up with 2 years of fighting with lawyers and finally get that divorce paper and then spend another few years feeling sorry for themselves and still not letting go of the bitterness does not mean we widowed have not attained emotional closure.
I know the difference between baggage and a small suitcase of memories. I have fond memories, some of them made me the person I am today. The next man I spend my life with will get all of me, 100%. That's what I have to give and that's what I'm willing to give and that's what I expect to receive. I can't change my past, to me my marriage ended sadly and that's it. New beginnings and new love - how wonderful.
Yanno, us widowed aren't aliens. Give us a chance, cast aside you misgiving and assuptions and don't base your opinion on what one or two were like. If I did that I'd never date another divorced guy or a guy named Mike or a guy going bald.....see how stupid that sounds??? | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:29:43 PM | He said he felt quite ready to date, though it turns out his wife has only been gone since Sept. 2011.
That, in my personal opinion, is not long enough to work out the mourning. Now, that is different with all people, but 18 months is the 'norm', according to our family Doc. Family/friend support is critical as well, to adjust and move on. That, and making sure one is NOT trying to replace what they lost. That is not what one should look for. As my profile says; I don't want to replace the love I lost, I simply want to love again.
I am positive that this differs, in my particular case, it took longer, but I have moved forward. Cautiously, carefully, mindful of not wanting to 'hurt' anyone else, especially .. LOL .. me. ;)
It is something that simply must be dealt with, and overcome.
Some are successful..others, may never get over the death.
I would not rule out all widows/widowers. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:48:20 PM | | I am a widow but waited six years ,so had no problem.So I guess you are right they should wait till they know they are ready! But during the first two to three yrs probably would have been the same way.So I guess time is the essence!And sorry for the bad experiences hopefully it will get better for you! But I guess we al have them just different settings lol | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:55:23 PM | | I have found from past experience has to be at least 3 years, but if they have a single daughter under 25, BEWARE! They tend to want daddy all to themselves and no woman is good enough, and cant replace good old Mom. Been there, done that on 2 occasions, and although I wont say I wont date a widower, he has to have at least 2 children and the discussion of how they feel about dad dating etc will come up. It can be a balancing act. Dont mind if he has pictures up of his former wife as its not a divorce situation. Dont mind if he has some favorite things to remind him of the good times or memories. Dont be afraid to complement things about her decor or a pic, but dont allow comparision between the 2 of you, downhill from there. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 9:18:54 PM | I once read that women process & move forward when relationships end much quicker than men, cuz it is how their brains r wired. Men get stuck, regardless of divorce or death...
So a widowed lady would be more ready after a couple of years than a widower man, IN GENERAL, if you buy into that line of thinking.
All the widowers I dated over the years were not ready. One was from real life, the rest were internet, one I knew his daughter 1st & she set us up.
Each one cried...sobbed...guilt...talked about her non-stop. I did not talk about my ex hubby, but they talked about their "wife"- I would say "you mean your late wife"...
I do not mean to be cruel or insensitive to those who lost their spouse to death. There are a couple of regular posters in here who are good people, they seem more together than the ones I met.
One widower tried to mold me into his late wife, it was quite creepy...other people even commented on it... | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 9:29:10 PM | Tried it once,and against my better judgement.
All she did was talk and carry on the entire evening about her late husband,which I thought was pretty rude.
She obviously wasn't ready,and I couldn't get her sorry ass home fast enough. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 10:41:23 PM | | I dated a widower once and he was a gentleman who treated me very well (opened car doors, held my hand, introduced me to friends and family, etc.) But he had a death wish...ate and drank himself into a heart attack and stroke...he is still around and we are friends, but I couldn't compete with her memory or the booze. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 10:42:25 PM |
A person that goes thru divorce (male or female), has emotionally "left" the relationship. ie.closure.
A widow(er) is robbed of this emotional closure.
That's why it's a risk getting involved with a widow(er.)
That's one of the dumbest things I've read yet, in my opinion. My husband has been dead 7 years. Dead. Not coming back, couldn't get any deader, done, over, dead. Deader than a door nail. No one sleeps in my bed, no one joins me for a meal, I have no ghosts that clean my house, no shrines, nothing. Not coming back - dead. Is that enough emotional closure for you? Emotional closure - that happened many, many years ago.
I agree with all of welsh's posts on this thread, including her answer to this one.
Having been both divorced and widowed, IMO it's exactly the other way around.
With death, there IS closure. That person is never coming back. You won't run into them in public, you won't get a phone call...zip, nada, zilch, that's all there is and there ain't no mo'.
With divorce, the marriage is dead, but the ex is still out there. They may run in the same social circles, mutual acquaintances will see them around somewhere, they're still breathing the same air - and if there are kids involved, there is NEVER any closure because there are other people to consider.
It takes everyone a different length of time to grieve, but I think that if a widow(er) allows herself or himself enough time to process the pain first, without jumping into dating for companionship, their grieving will move along more completely and they will be able to be a "shiny new person" down the road.
And "enough time" is at least a couple of years, IMO. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/26/2012 10:53:11 PM | | Seven months is a little fast to start dating, at six months I was starting to come out of the fog and do everyday things again, dating would not have been on the horizon at that point. | |
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| 3 Strikes - out. No more widowers !
Posted: 4/27/2012 2:06:40 AM | This is the third time this kind of thing has occurred . I do believe I'm now officially sworn off meeting widowers - unless maybe it's at least 5 or more yrs since their loss My experience was that I prefered to date widowers as opposed to divorced men. Divorced men are bitter and angry and have issues with women. A widower has a positive outlook on serious long term commitment and marriage and a positive attitude toward women. My SO is a widower, but he had been one for about 5 years when we met. I think you problem, OP, may be that the men you are dating are too recently widowed. You really cannot realistically expect someone to be over the loss of his wife in a few months. I wouldn't even want to get involved with someone who could do that....shows significantly shallow feelings.
With divorce, the marriage is dead, but the ex is still out there. They may run in the same social circles, mutual acquaintances will see them around somewhere, they're still breathing the same air - and if there are kids involved, there is NEVER any closure because there are other people to consider.
It takes everyone a different length of time to grieve, but I think that if a widow(er) allows herself or himself enough time to process the pain first, without jumping into dating for companionship, their grieving will move along more completely and they will be able to be a "shiny new person" down the road.
And "enough time" is at least a couple of years, IMO Agree. Seems most people on here who are against dating widows/widowers have had one or two bad experiences and then paint all widows and widowers with the same brush, not taking into account people are individuals and deal with their loss in different ways over different periods of time. I never sought out widowers, and I never refused to date divorced men, but in the long run, I found that widowers, at least the ones I dated, to have more positive feelings about relationships and women than divorced men. But, of course, you get a sense of someone when you are first getting to know them, and a man who went on and on about his ex-wife, whether a widower or a divoced man, would be someone I would not continue going out with. | |
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