| | Why do they underestimate me?Page 2 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | | I do appreciate all of your words of wisdom that you have shared with me for the past few weeks. All I can do is take your advice cuz I know it won't hurt to try. Where should I start though? | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/10/2012 11:31:35 PM |
Where should I start though?
Inside you. You can't get confidence from other people. It has to come from within you. Be confident in your talents. Decide what you want from life as far as a career and start working toward those goals. Call around and find a martial arts studio that you like and can afford. Meet the instructor, and talk with him or her, if it works for you, sign up. If not, keep looking until you find one. Try some computer programming (if you like, and if you are good with computers.)
Google "confidence building". Read up on it. Study it, study yourself. Learn who you are. "Hack" yourself down to the bones, find out what makes you tick.
If you are really serious about finding yourself, and your confidence, seek a therapist. They can ask some very tough questions and provoke deep thought into who you are.
Don't worry about others, don't worry about women. Find you.
It's a long process. This is terribly cliche, but "Rome wasn't built in a day." You'll get there though. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/12/2012 6:48:48 PM | | I honestly don't know if it's your looks. I think it might be the fact that you don't have a car. I've seen people say on these forums millions of times that not having a car is a real deal-breaker. It wouldn't be for me but it seems it is for a lot of people. It depends where you live I guess. You also don't have a paying job listed on your profile. It's shallow but a lot of girls will dismiss a guy for not having a paying job, even if he hasn't always been unemployed or is educated (I'm not one of those girls, btw - it depends on the guy's other traits rather than if he is currently employed or not). | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/12/2012 8:57:10 PM | " I've seen people say on these forums millions of times that not having a car is a real deal-breaker."
This i find quite ridiculous, i don't have a car myself, but sure as could go buy one tomorrow if i need, but i don't need it where i live so i don't have one. but none the less knowing that people will see your profile and be like oh no car and pass you over, i put one on there, later when talking i could explain why i don't have one. It's a lie but its about selling your self right?
With the job part, are you a student, or working or employed part time, or unemployed. This is important because it shows many things of who you are, (ie that your responsible, contributing member to society etc) and especially for a women/girl is that you can afford to take care of them.
Even if its a crappy supermarket job it means alot still.
I know what your talking about Matt, i know what you mean. But don't give up and fight it.
I would suggest like many others here that you should work on yourself, rather than worrying about women. I moved to a new city specifically for that reason, because i needed to reinvent myself, i didn't end up doing that but because i realized much of me was already pretty good, so takes what good and just make the rest of you better.
Join a gym or something, i did that this week, found out the fitness classes consist of mostly girls and their good looking too, scared the shit out of me (i have a really difficult time talking and making friends with females, even more so with ones i like), so I'm getting one of my female friends to come to the classes with me, why?
Makes you approachable and will help build confidence when your in an environment your not use to. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/13/2012 8:26:56 AM | ^ Having a car *does* matter, *depending* on where you live. If you live in a city with decent public transportation or its easily 'walkable', it shouldn't matter all that much especially early on. On the flip side, where I live - well, lets just say the closest grocery store to me is 5+ miles, it kinda necessitates a vehicle to do almost anything.
As for the OP, dude, you seem horribly unconfident of yourself, your profile sounds like you're putting yourself down over and over, and I read what you've posted and you sound like you're seeking "approval" from everywhere but yourself. Stop it! While I can understand, everyone finds it "nice" to get 'approval/attraction' from others, if you rely on it for your own self-worth you will be continually disappointed. You need to be comfortable with *yourself*, and that will exude confidence - in a way, yes, almost a "I don't care what anyone else thinks" attitude. Heck, reality is, we're usually our *own* worst critics - I've got a little bit of a 'gut', certainly not '6-pack abs', I'm balding, certainly not everyone's "cup of tea", but y'know - I am who I am, and while I can see my 'flaws' in myself I don't dwell on them to the point of being miserable (and never did really). If you spend your live living based on 'what other people think', you're going to forever be miserable - live your life for *yourself*, do what makes you happy... and y'know what, by doing that you're far more likely to meet people (doing what you like) that have similar interests.
A relationship is nice, but stop trying to make it the 'be all, end all' of your existence, because its not, it can be a lot of work - its not just a 'pill to make you happy'. If you aren't happy without one, quite honestly, you probably will never *truly* be happy in one, because you don't really know who you are, you're too busy defining yourself by "the relationship". And don't get me wrong, a relationship can be a wonderful way to expand who you are (both of you), but its not going to magically "fix all your woes", and its a mistake to see it as that. Be who you are, learn who you are, learn to be ok with who you are - and you'll attract people who find *your* qualities attractive. Your profile right now reads like "I don't know who I am, and I'll contort myself into pretzel twists to try and be whatever you want me to be because I have no self". That is never attractive. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 1:28:35 AM | I grew up in a world where I was never a normal person to them but I came to Red Deer to escape from that so I can find myself. I want to find a future for myself but I always get off and on a job. I try to give the world my absolute best but they are never satisfied with what I do for them. I've learned that no matter how far you try to escape your past, it will always be 10 steps ahead.
The only time I can find myself is silence so I can think about my characteristics but I joined POF so that I can know that there is at least one person in the world that truly cares. I don't expect any fairy-tale crap to happen but I expect someone to be searching for me as I'm searching for them. No matter where I turn however, I always end up in the worst situations or back to square 1.
I never lie to anybody, that is my way of life. I am an honest individual that will do whatever it takes to survive in this hellish world. I can't go to a gym cuz I don't have spare cash to make that happen. All I desire is one girl to tell me that I shouldn't have to worry, while holding me :(. I know that it's a selfish desire but it's what I crave when I feel that all is lost for me. I may be young but I have experienced this for far too long. I want redemption! | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:15:30 AM | Oh FFS, what happened to the pity thread radar?? I haven't read so much dribble in ages!
..........but I came to Red Deer to escape Won't matter where you go in the world; you can't escape from yourself. For pity's sake, grow up and stop being so goddamn selfish! There are young men your age fighting in Afganistan - spare a thought for them instead of dribbling about yourself!
I'm quite sure you know what you need to do to pull yourself out of this state. If you've figured out how to get onto this site, I'm equally sure you know all about self-help books and counselling, but you simply enjoy being miserable. Well don't blame anyone for how your life turns out.
Where should I start though? Join the Army! | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:00:09 PM | | I have been getting counselling, but I haven't gotten explored my entire self yet. I will look for that part of me, but I require encouragement. The Army is not for me, but I do know that there are lives being sacrificed for the good of freedom. I have suffered greatly somehow in my life and I want to find that before finding someone. I know that finding that one girl isn't the answer to any of my issues but just knowing that I have someone that truly cares is all I want to feel, while searching my past to understand what I have become after all these years. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:38:47 PM |
Join the Army!
He's 20 years old dumblonde.
He's depressed how's that selfish. Everything you said to him is that same old crap some people use over and over again.
Useless information, passed down from a nasty time period.
Listen to all advice OP if it sounds helpful and never listen to old school others are in the military nonsense. The world is full of people that through no fault of their own have to work certain things through. Forums are a good start.
What cover me said I would say was excellent advice. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:47:24 PM | | REAL! ladies care more about personality then looks dude, You should know this already. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 3:03:43 PM | Are you in college? You seem young and are young. Get other pictures beside one looking into a car. Talk about your real interests in life and talk about your goals and things that would interest a woman. It sounds like you just have fun "hanging out" and that is okay if that is what you want. It sounds like you want something more or the lack of response would bother you.
Write about what makes you stand out in a crowd. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 9:05:27 PM | @Rob3444
He's 20 years old...
Well, blame my grandmother for bringing me up to be grateful for my blessings! I'm well aware he's 20 yrs old, which makes it all the more pathetic that he's still trying to crawl back into his mother's womb.
We're fortunate to live in countries (USA / Australia) which, in spite of their problems, are still 2 of the greatest countries in the world - and our societies are generous. I'll help any one, any time who needs a hand to overcome a temporary hurdle. And I'm there for those I love with terminal conditions - to the end.
But I won't pander to those who enjoy wallowing in their own misery and use it to seek attention. I'm suggesting that on some level he knows it and does it to give himself something to complain about.
He's not on here seeking advice; by his own admission he's already seeing a counsellor. He's here trying to find a girlfriend to prop him up!
So OK. If there's anyone on POF who's willing to be his crutch, apply therein.
Edit: On a different thread, @AddHomonym wrote:
Life is just as beautiful and filled with wonder as it ever was, we just have to want to see it. Think about it. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/21/2012 10:42:24 PM | | I realize that I do need to add more information about me because there isn't enough about myself for anybody to understand what I'm like. I just want to know that I have a chance like anybody else in the world. I will try to get more photos and add more information about me. Absolutely nobody calls me pathetic! Just because I'm in need of acceptance from somebody does not make me pathetic at all. We all have needs in this world and I do understand that there are more needy people but I have to help myself first before I can help anybody else out. I know it sounds a little selfish, but I just want to solve this problem that I've had all my life. I will try to make things better on POF because maybe my profile isn't attractive enough. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/22/2012 12:08:44 AM | @dumbeblonde I don't see anything beautiful in anything you say it all makes me cringe and my skin crawl.
@Matt There is nothing wrong with trying to find a girlfriend and ask questions about it. Old people that refer to their grandmother and count your blessings are just plain stupid!
There is nothing pathetic about people talking and helping each other out but dumbeblonde is pathetic for being so nasty. We don't have to tolerate straight out rudeness and nastiness from that group of zombies.
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/22/2012 3:21:48 AM | ^ ^ ^ Sticks and stones. You know nothing of my life.
If I've shocked him to stop and ponder, even for a moment, about his approach to life, I've achieved my purpose. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/22/2012 8:01:53 AM | | I do want to thank everybody so far for all the advice I have been given, except for the troll aka Dumbeblonde. I have fixed my profile for a bit but I just need some recent photos of myself so my profile can look a little better. Any ideas of what kind of photos I should post? | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/22/2012 3:38:46 PM | | I can honestly see why you are being rejected. Not trying to be mean, but you sound pathetic. We all face rejection in life. If you aren't attractive to one women so what move on and find another. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Some men actually look better to women b showing self confidence. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/23/2012 2:57:52 PM | | I get rejected everywhere I turn. It's more difficult than it appears to be. Only reason why I'm considered pathetic in your eyes is cuz you haven't failed multiple times. Perhaps I may be wrong but enough about bashing each other, the real picture that we are all looking here is that I just need to improve my self confidence and my profile on POF. I'm sorry for my behavior in this comment but I will try to work on myself a little. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/23/2012 3:14:54 PM | You're not pathetic in anyway. Your able to ask for help and will change, if you keep trying. There are not nearly
enugh social workers and shrinks around to help all the people that need some help. A lot has to do with brain chemistry and how one sees the world as well as so many other things. Don't let anyone discourage you. You can see how almost every one on this thread is understanding.
I din't start working on my self till much later in life so you have a good start. Keep it up and don't let things get you down. Being honest about yourself is far from being pathetic. Pathetic people live in quite desperation and hide from the world and live lies to their choosing. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 5/23/2012 4:24:20 PM | You, my friend are the very definition of the "rejected nice guy". Maybe you should be more of a jerk. Even though that isn't your style, be a jerk then tone it down to a nice equalibrium between jerk and nice guy. I don't think you need a psychologist as others have suggested. You need knowledge.
Yes you need confidence. For now, join a gym and do a physical makeover. Clothes, hairstyle, ect. Learn the latest fashion.
You gain confidence through success in life. For the good of your future, go to college and get a good degree. I'm talkin doctor, lawyer,architect, engineer.
Things turn around in a real hurry when you are successful! The 20 year olds that reject you now will be crawling all over you when you are a successful 30 year old.
Look up David Deangelo's material for some good self help.
In your case you might want to go as extreme as listening to Tom Leykis past radio shows.
http://leykisonline.com/
Chin up, and take my advice. You have alot to learn. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 2:23:29 AM | | I really appreciate the advice so far. There have been few that have gotten me a little mad but I know it's to help me realize what better I can be for myself or for someone. The photos of myself will be awhile yet but I believe these photos will symbolize how sweet but fun I can be so I hope many will take these photos to consideration. So overall, what changes do I need to ensure that I have an attractive but honest profile? | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:04:11 AM | Look, it isn't because you're ugly, or stupid, or not a nice or are a nice guy.
Women are complicated. A woman can blow you off for any of a hundred different reasons regardless of what you do.
How messy does it get? This is what one woman said in a different thread when talking about why she doesn't choose some guys over others...
I like people in jeneral(at a respectable distance, I should add), and I can usualy find things to like and admire in just about anybody. But when it comes to dating, I find that I mostly concentrate on how does it make ME feel. So, it is not really about that person I am interacting with, it's about if I like MYSELF when I am with that person. Do they bring the best or the worst out in me? And it is not about THAT person, it is about the dynamics of two people.
And I have rejected on a basis of fear of liking them too much and knowing other factors would be very unfavorable for my own sanity and peace of mind/ likable outcome for me(age, distance,other factors). In short, I don't want to bite more than I can chew, basic guarding in the works, I suppose. Or the opposite, I do not want to become that monster who will be wiping their feet on this nice, respectable, and sweet guy, who just happens to have no back or balls to stand up to me(due to whatever, liking me too much or being desperate for companionship/sex or whatever it may be).
Now YOU figure out how you're supposed to respond to that? You can't?
Welcome to the club.
It's a process. Work on yourself, try to understand them as best you can, and the results are the results.
In other words, it's you, and it ain't you. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:05:21 AM | | When girls say you're a nice guy, cute, BUT they mean that they found you attractive but you didn't do anything about it. Maybe you didn't notice because you're too hung up thinking that you're a dweeb, maybe you weren't into her, maybe you're an asperger type whatever. You just gotta be more bold, make your intentions known right off the bat and if she doesn't feel the same way...goodbye, I'll facebook you, and on to the next girl. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:48:57 AM | | Women can be complicated at times but somehow, I'm able to read through them. Some call me cute just to give me reasons to not hate myself. Helpmeahhh, you have listed one thing that is correct about myself and the flaws it has given me but I know in a way that it augments me in many good ways. I see things differently that not an average person can see but is it the real truth or is it only what the condition does for me? That condition has been the reason why I can't get anywhere with anyone, they just can't understand what I'm capable for them. I know that I shouldn't blame this curse/gift, but sometimes I wonder what is right about if it's the reason why I can't succeed to be with anyone. | |
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| Why do they underestimate me?
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:41:17 PM | Matt,
You said in your post the hepmeahhh was right in this post to you. Do you mean the dweeb part or the Asperger part?
You also mentioned that you've had a difficult life and that you are in therapy.
Matt, you seem very mature and thoughtful for someone who is 21. Sometimes difficulties in early life hold you back in someways (trust, communication skill, confidence) and sometimes adversity can advance other aspects of your development (sensitivity, compassion, thoughtfulness and introspection). The trick now in your life is too find balance with all of this. The therapy is one positive step. Good for you!! Really, a lot of folks in their teens and 2o's wouldn't do it. I would also recommend finding a social group you could connect with. For example you're into Culinary Arts - could you help out at a shelter cooking up some great meals for the guests? You'd be surprised how many great men and women volunteer. Through volunteering you meet great people who then include you in their world and then the door opens to gals in the real world. When you haven't had the best of role models, sometimes you need to look for them and start watching them carefully. At school are there any men who you think are decent and somehow seem to attract the women you like? How do they dress, how do they carry themselves, how do they interact with people. Watch and start copying. You don't have to feel it to do it sometimes you need to do it to feel it!
Lastly, one of the other things I would suggest Matt is not to listen to people like Dumblonde (name says it all!) Don't ever allow people who are inherently harsh, cruel and unfeeling to take up any space up in your life. Let it go. Focus only on what can move you forward. | |
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