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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/5/2012 9:55:44 PM | I knew a woman like this. It was very sad. She was totally messed up, drinking, whoring around town.
At one point I decided it was probably better to have her away from her kids rather than with them.
As far as the child support I believe it was a siutation where once she was gone, the husband said good riddance don't come back, I've got it all covered. But she had also never worked a day in her life anyway, so what she could have contributed, love, caring, she completely wasn't capable of.
It was sad for the kids. One could see the confusion in their eyes. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/6/2012 6:22:52 PM | I can relate. My ex started cheating 4-6 months after my daughter was born. Then took off when my daughter was just over a year old. I have two step children as well. The ex wants nothing to do with any of the kids unless it is convenient for her or it makes her look good. She see's my daughter at the most 4 hours a week. She has never paid a dime for anything to help support my daughter. She signed over all rights to me just so she didn't have to pay support. It's fine by me because she wasn't paying anything to begin with. She has only kept my daughter overnight 4x in two years, one of which I had to tell her she had to because I had to go out of town. It's sickening to think people disregard their kids, even more so to see it first hand.
Be proud of it, nothing more attractive than a father who takes care of his children.
I am proud of being a great father. But I wish more shared your sentiment on the attractive part lol | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/6/2012 7:16:23 PM | | ^^^ yes I know.... I want this woman as far removed from my life as I can get her. I want nothing from her. She wouldn't pay even if I was awarded support and doesn't work to have it garnished. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/7/2012 1:34:44 AM | The signing away rights thing depends on the state you are in, in many if the ncp signs away his/her right as a parent that indemnifies them against future child support claims.
My thoughts on a deadbeat mom are the same as a deadbeat dad. they are both scum, they both should be in jail and they both should be made to take some kind of responsibility!
The difference is.. single-fathers get credit for raising their kids alone and stepping up to the plate, and single women get dumped on for it. But that's another thread eh? (actually that's most of the thread on here...)
I agree, they suck, and "normal" people don't get how any parent can fail to take care of their children emotionally and financially. My ex pays support on time, that I'm grateful for but he doesn't pay his half of all the other expenses and his idea of quality time with his kids is picking them up from school, stopping at Jack-in-the-Box and dropping them home, and he lives five minutes away if you hit traffic. When my earnings were dramatically curtailed and I mentioned to a friend that while my x makes six figures I didn't have the money to take the kids to the dentist she was horrified because no matter what the situation with her husband he would never have allowed his children to go without basic medical or dental care because she couldn't make co-pays.
There is really no point in talking about it except to encourage each other to support other parents period, whether male, female, single, married, and if you're going through this just do your best to forget the b.s. of the other parent because it will not change the offensive parent's behavior and just makes you crazy which diminishes your ability to parent well. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/9/2012 5:46:26 AM | | Trust me, I know a deadbea mom,and I married and divorced one. The woman has a corperate job and pays a lousy $278 a month for two boys. Yes, I am a single dad and I am not actually complaining, I have gotten used to & accustomed to the sad sack of a woman I had in my life. My boys was asked if they wanted to visit, they said no. There are sad sack/deadbeat mothers all over. The men far out-number the women--but don't leave them out. I have been a single parent since 2000, and my ex have paid child support for all of 6 of those years in small quantities. In fact lately, she pays when she wants to. I have made contact with the state, but so far--it's dragging out in the courts. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/9/2012 3:49:14 PM | | No, it's not worse in the big picture, but isn't as common in the main stream. Although, it seems it's becoming more and more relevant. When I first became a single Dad, people looked at me puzzled and wondered why I had the kids instead of their mother. Why did she leave? What did I do? Well thanks society, that made me feel better after a bitter end to my marriage. It is just as bad, yes they do suck just as much. However, to the majority of society and in court, the woman is never in the wrong. It's always the man's fault, and going on history I understand why that thought process is used. I just hope society learns to get all the facts before judging. I was ordered to receive child support, but when I ask for money for a Dr. visits, good luck. I might as well rob a bank, at least then I'll actually have money in my hands. Society hasn't quite grasped the idea of a Dead-Beat Mom, but they exist, trust me, I know. It just seems to be a taboo subject, as if it doesn't exist or the man is exaggerating because "women just don't do that." I am glad there are others who understand that being a dead-beat isn't gender specific, losers come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and sexes. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/10/2012 3:07:31 PM | | My ex owes me 2,100 right now and refused to fulfill the court ordered seek work order. She lost custody of her "daughter " which says a lot right there. How often does a mom loose custody of a daughter to the father??? | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/10/2012 4:08:43 PM | | I always think it strange that mothers with no maternal instinct can even be labelled mother,, im a single "mum" but i couldnt be away from my kids its un-natural,, anyway you need to be proud of what your doing, lots of dads out there that are never allowed access to their kids,, my ex sees our kids every day,, and we wouldnt have it any other way:) | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/11/2012 4:42:55 AM |
I think women should be held accountable for not paying child support just the same as men. I don't like the double standard notion we have when dealing with this issue.
I would suggest both parents are to be required to be held to the same standard or expectation. Now a poster has suggested it is more expensive to live with children than it is to live as a single person....yet with 50% of single mothers not working or working part time...where is the expectation of upholding the financial responsiblity of having children...you have children you are expected to work to provide for your choices...as a custodial parent or non custodial parent you work to provide for yourself and your children. Yet a few are very quick to offer justification of wanting to be there for their children....I suggest the need is theirs....not their children.
But instead I suggest too many custodials hide behind their children whining and lamenting about a lack of responsiblity of the other parent....That is equally a double standard....And recently we had the guy from England who was the custodial father...living off society as he hid behind his child....so the deadbeats are again both genders....
And they talk about it takes a village to raise a child....I do not think they were talking about the village paying or subsidizing your choices or your lack of personal accountability!
In reality there should be no child support....the additional costs outside of the home are what should be shared like day care....uiversity....dental costs...the extra-ordinary costs are what should be shared. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/12/2012 1:00:17 AM | | I got custody of my son 4 years ago after the state of Indiana locked her up in the state psychiatric hospital. She spent a year there. After she got out, she took me to court to try to get custody back, and she lost. She had married a guy she met in the hospital who has the same mental problems she has! She never paid support, but I told the court I didn't want or need it. My ex has no money, and squeezing the poor for child support is immoral (that's my belief, I know some will disagree). Plus, my lawyer said the child support authorities will never make her pay even if the court ordered it, because she told me the child support people in our county don't believe women should pay, even if they have money. My ex did keep in contact with my son till last year, when she had a baby with her husband. She then lost all interest in our son. In the last year, she has seen him twice. The last time was 2 weeks ago, and she had my son take all of his toys and stuff he had at her place back to my place. We think she wanted his stuff gone to make more room for her new baby, and we do not expect to see her again. She is welcome to see him if she wants, but we do not expect her to ask. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/18/2012 9:28:58 PM | | I agree with Tealwood that both parents shuld be held to the same standard, and more often than not, they are, in the legal sense. CS is often a very simple calculation, percentage of income. The courts do not decide what your income is or should be, the court only decides what percentage of any ncp's income is required to contribute to the suppport of their child(ren), and even then only when cs is not agreed upon by both parties; no one is forced to collect or to seek cs collection via the system. The calculation behind that percentage is arguable, perhaps, but decisions as to how parents choose to divide their income between funding children & their attributable expenses are best agreed upon by the parents, and more often than not they are, despite what we read here. I do take issue with the statement that we should all be prepared to "go it alone", as that goes against the very nature of family. CS exists as a means to force a parent to take financial responsibilty & would not be necessary at all if two parties would acknowledge their responsibility and choices from the get go. Monetary sacrifices need not be borne by children; responsible adults pay the price for their mistakes, and bear the sacrifice personally. In reality, this is often the case, even if it may seem to be otherwise from reading these posts. More parents than not accept less than statutory cs & more ncps's than not contribute more than what is required by law, all in the name of love for their children. A good thing, if you ask me, and as it should be. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/26/2012 12:46:15 PM | Hi TexasDude, as sorry as I was to read your post it is great that so many people here have shown their support and admiration for you. I am a single parent also and my daughter, who is 9, has now started telling people she doesn't have a Dad. He has never laid eyes on her once. Never contributed financially or emotionally. However his family are great and it's wonderful that my little lady has them as I think it's important for her sense of "belonging".
Keep going and doing the fantastic job you are. And when your child starts asking about his mother (if he hasn't already) just keep it neutral. I would tell my daughter that her Dad never calls or visits because "he must be busy" or "he probably doesn't have credit". I never badmouth him to her cos she needs to come to her own conclusions about him. I need her to trust me and believe me when I'm trying to advise her when she's older. So being neutral and not having me colouring her judgement about him now will help me support her as she gets older. | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/26/2012 10:19:11 PM | The pendulum does swing both ways.
Like other single guys here, I didn't even ask for support. My sons conseller said, after talking with my sons mother, that if I was awarded support his mother would never see our son again. I think at that time in my sons life it would have been devastating for him to lose all contact.
Now eight years later, She sees him on occasion, sometimes they have fun sometimes she cusses him out and tells him he's not her son. This year I bought the stuff to make a cake for his birthday and because she has no money offered to let her bake the cake, she said 'sure if you pay me $50'. I think that says it all!!!!
deadbeat isn't just a monetary distinction in my opinion | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/27/2012 7:49:19 AM |
^^^I always appreciate your perspective...but I cannot condone this reply to Tealwood as it seems something you have posted to appease his sense of unfairness regarding his own situation. TW continues to imply and attach blame on single mother's in general, who don't earn the large salary that affords him the luxury of being so obtuse to anyone else's circumstances.
I doubt ohwhynot would ever pander or say something to simply appease someone! The woman even if we have disagreed on issues has a great deal of integrity!
Now why not take Cindraizzie back to when she was Lizabeth2.....where she was suggested the only way she could give up the cs that she received for her two boys would be to sell her 2000sq foot home…..LOL….give up cs….where as a non custodial she should actually be then paying cs….but she only worries about not receiving it!
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/13140157datingPostpage2.aspx
9/26/2009
I don't think that my ex or my boys fully understand the consequences or reprucussions of the choice they want to make.
I can do without all the child support and minimal tax benefits I get for having primary custody of the boys....ONLY IF I sold the house that has been the constant secure place, or I guess the home base for these kids for the majority of their life.
I am only working part-time....and will continue to have that scheduale until my 4yr old daughter is in school full-time. I did it for my boys and she deserves nothing less.
That would suggest your 4yr old daughter is now 7....and is in school full time.....yet you remain a working part time...not being fully employed...and based on legal principle deliberately being underemployed...something as a non custodial parent...would fall under being a deadbeat.....but some custodial parents like to wrap their poor image up as disadvantaged......where in reality their moral compass moves to what ever best suits them ...
So the daughter is now 7....and still part time employed!!.....poster speaks with forked tongue!.....can one wonder then how often or when her posts and opinion are lacking in sincerity or honesty?
Now I doubt if anyone would suggest a deadbeat is someone deserving of sympathy......nor is a custodial parent who uses and abuses the system to best serve their own selfish needs or inadequacies....as any custodial parent using their children to work and take from the system is teaching them how to themselves follow suit….and is equally abusing or emotionally scarring the children.
Get a job…earn your own way in life and put in the same time hours you expect of the non custodial parents….be a quality role model for your children in respect to demonstrating to them how to be self sufficient and self reliant as opposed to living off society and others while only putting in a part time effort to be financially self supporting.
And Lizzie….I do not earn a huge salary. I just put my children first and do without or use the second hand store for myself. I leave the financial resource in my ex’s hand so she can have a second home and second option for the children if they so choose. And unlike yourself never would or have gone to the courts to legally force the children to stay where they are unwilling to stay. Sure I think it would have helped had she assisted in the child care bills…the medical bills. But then looking at the statistics….most non custodial mothers do not…and 50% of custodial mothers are employed full time and the other 50% are not….society has given for to long some a free ride and you are just taking what is available too you what is supposed to be for those who are disadvantaged….but some just will have fun bringing to light or opening up the question…why do you get the sense of entitlement that you deserve to live off others hard work? LOL….I remember a post years ago how you lamented on how your kids were now eating better…as it was too taxing to do a full days work and then arrive home and cook for your children….so now working part time…you can arrive home and not be too tired to cook and care for your children.
A dead beat parent is a dead beat regardless of the gender... The amount of harm they do to the child in criminal!!!
Equally harmful to children is growing up in poverty. 50% of custodial mothers do not work full time….leaving them often with a lifestyle below poverty and based on statistics children themselves often repeat the choices of their parents. Perhaps time has come to consider calling accountable both custodial and non custodial to task for the lessons and choices they make…..and not give a free pass just because they are the custodial parent or worked the legal system giving them the children…… | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/27/2012 2:13:49 PM | how many people are the statistics based off of? I'd believe that 35% of men still outnumber or come very close to the 90% of women who don't pay. Of course.. I can pull random stats out of thin air too and make them sound legit. Men as single parents is relativity new concept, so non-custodial mothers number a lot less then fathers. Statistics don't matter is this case, neither does gender really. What matters is the number of kids not having 2 parents support them.
The non-custodial parent, isn't the one dealing with all the children needs. Sick days aren't your own, you run from one place to another with them, have to take days off work or hours to take them to the doctor, for school function or to avert some crisis. As super dad up there pointed out the children should come first. If this means working less and receiving child support then by his own argument, that's what you should do!
I've been on both sides of the coin. Been considered upper middle class and living in poverty. I don't think superdad up there has ever struggled. It's not fun to be starving, it's not fun to watch your child eat a full meal, knowing that there's none for you, it's not fun watching him out grow his clothing but still stuffing him into them for a month longer then he should be wearing them, it's no fun having Christmas delivered in a big black bag by a bunch of strangers who have no idea what your child's interests are. Full time work does not always equal enough to support the kiddos, many times you still need child support to pay the bills. Get off your pedestal.
THE POINT OF CHILD SUPPORT IS NOT TO BURDEN ONE PERSON OR THE OTHER, THE POINT IS TO PROVIDE A BETTER LIFE FOR THE CHILD, WHICH SHOULD BE THE GOAL OF BOTH PARENTS, NO VIEWED AS A BURDEN. You were a dummy not to get child support. The kids suffered for it. What did they miss out on because of money, that they would have gotten if you only had a few extra hundred dollars? Or where couldn't you take them because you had to work instead. If you say nothing you're lying. Unless you are in fact Mr Money-bags. They may not know it, but there were things you passed on because of money and/or time. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you wrong.
Even when I'm making the salary where I can provide for my child, the support payment either go into the college fund, or pay for my son to do something extra that I just wouldn't be able to swing on my own. There are still things you have to pass on, but not as many. It is still money that I need to properly support him and provide him with all the opportunities he deserves.
EDIT: Also if you were married and a stay at home parent, then got divorced. the expectation of the court is that the child will have the same level of living as before the divorce. Which mean non-custodial parent pays more, since the court won't expect the stay at home parent to get a full time job, as prior to the divorce they weren't working at all. That's how it works, and I don't think it's wrong. If you were never married then they base it off the standard of living the child would have if the two of you were living together.
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Tealwood wrote:
Perhaps time has come to consider calling accountable both custodial and non custodial to task for the lessons and choices they makes
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yet advocates not getting support.. contradict yourself much? | |
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| We all heard of deadbeat dads-what about deadbeat moms?
Posted: 5/27/2012 2:59:44 PM | Wow. I felt pretty alone there. I have had custody of my 8 year old girl for 5 years. I have not heard nor seen my daughters mother in that time. Coming from a marriage where alcohol abuse was prevalent, mental abuse turned to physical lol culminating in knife play one evening. From the very beginning, in the courts, I was looked at with suspiscion even though I had the knife marks to prove it. If this had been me hurting my daughters mother, the entire thing would have been so much different. Women who have suffered abuse are whisked away and given support from the state including housing help, bill help and advocates who stand with them in court. Although I sought help there was none for me because the system (mainly female social workers) turned a blind eye. I'm not sure that this was done on purpose as a female against male thing or they were just at a loss as to how to empathize and deal with a man who had suffered emotional and physical abuse.
Long story short, I still receive nothing for my little girl but she has adapted very well and is a wonderful girl. The deadbeat is an alcoholic which means she's sick which means she needs help. So, because she's sick and needs help, even after 5 years, she will get her help from a female dominated system while I, thank God, am able to putt along just fine without half of the resources that miss deadbeat will get. Lol, I will say the VA is better at this than Child and Family Services.
My hats off to you fellow single parent dads. And yes to women that have put up with some of the crap they've put up with are equally deserving. But there is no level playing field here. This is very similar to the glass ceiling many women see in the work place. | |
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