| | How do you cope with being single? Page 6 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) |
went through 2 years of emotional hell after my divorce; loneliness, anxiety, depression and the stress was causing some health problems I'd never experienced....I was in a tailspin. I could barely move in the morning. I didn't find any other woman attractive. I just didn't have any desire to meet anyone else.
So...
I had family and friends there for me - they've been great! I got really keep busy doing the things I love to do. I have way more time now, being single. I have more time for my friends, family. I had to look at the positive side. It's kinda nice not having to answer to anyone. (not that there's anything wrong with that).
I feel almost the exact apposite, I had what I considered to be a great marriage, it wasn't perfect by any means but looking back all I can say is that I am very thankfull that I had that experience. It is something that I can always fall back on.
I have the exact opposite, my family and friends basically abandoned me after I lost my wife, I don't feel I need those relationships, it is what it is, I feel more satisfaction in pursuing my own interests than trying to bang your head into a wall on relationships that do more harm than benefit. It really goes back to believing in yourself and living your life. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/11/2012 1:34:53 AM | | truth is most r single, due to feminism today in west we r v most numbr of alone people in our human history, yep its called deevolution, worng path wat! | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/11/2012 2:42:04 AM | Well, you did a good job opening up your thoughts and I think there was some good advice given. I would agree that finding out more about yourself is going to take you further than another relationship right now.
keep your chin up | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/11/2012 3:15:43 AM |
His advice is terrible. He's essentially suggesting that, instead of addressing your own problems, you downplay them by focusing upon those of others. That's not resolution so much as it is a highly negative approach to introspection. If people decide to brighten their own mindsets, then they're likely going to make progress on any number of fronts, because they're realizing things about themselves which also happen to be applicable to other people.
Going to see the less fortunate may help in spurring forth insight, but it takes an additional effort on the part of an individual to turn the potential for progression into something more concrete and psychologically feasible.
My biggest problem is with his phrasing, because it suggests the placing of importance upon the negative circumstances of other people. Instead of being able to think, "hey, these are the advantages I enjoy," I feel as if, "hey, at least I'm not THAT guy!" is the approach being advocated. The two mindsets may seem similar, but they're really not - one is focused on empowerment while the other upon external and circumstantial deprivation.
Telling people who are depressed or experiencing severe anxiety to man up is a horrible idea, and one that blatantly ignores the neurochemical aspects of clinical depression and general moodiness. People have to work to regulate their thoughts and emotions, which is why no qualified individual is going to expect a magical change in mindset after one visit to a VFW or cancer center.
I know the issue is coping with being single and not clinical depression, but the point still stands intact. If people play off their feelings with, "hey, could be worse!", then they aren't addressing the problems they clearly should be facing. Realizing you're privileged is one thing, but that's not going to force change in folks who have unhealthy thought processes regarding relationships or being single.
zzzzzz zzz zzzz sorry didn't read it couldn't be bothered | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/11/2012 3:37:23 AM | I commend you for going to counseling. It takes some people a long time to recognize they have baggage or other issues they need help with and haven't dealt with. If counseling helps you to identify things that need work on and changing within yourself, that is a good thing.
I also think it would good for you to think about what brings you joy, fun, happiness, laughter etc
Associate yourself with positive people.
I wish you all the best | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/11/2012 10:13:17 AM | | I agree that "YOU have to be happy with yourself first". However, I also think when you find the RIGHT person that person can ADD a whole different kind of happiness to your life. But as we all know....that's not always easy to do....so rather than having to deal with the up's and down's of dating....and all the emotions that goes with that.....sometimes it's easier to just remain at peace and remain single.....that way you avoid the roller coaster ride of "dating". Think of it that way. | |
|
RyJFa
| | Joined: 4/28/2012
Msg: 125 | |
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/11/2012 12:11:11 PM |
zzzzzz zzz zzzz sorry didn't read it couldn't be bothered
Good for you! If you can't handle a few paragraphs, I don't see why you needed to "bother" responding. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:04:41 AM | | I cope by painting models, banging weights around and playing guitar. I release many pent up frustrations at the gym, painting gives me positive reflection time and guitar playing is for straight up fun. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:52:08 AM | reply to ryjfa : Good for you! If you can't handle a few paragraphs, I don't see why you needed to "bother" responding.
ryjfa!! it was a joke ! she was joking ! | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 1:55:31 AM |
I agree that "YOU have to be happy with yourself first". However, I also think when you find the RIGHT person that person can ADD a whole different kind of happiness to your life. But as we all know....that's not always easy to do....so rather than having to deal with the up's and down's of dating....and all the emotions that goes with that.....sometimes it's easier to just remain at peace and remain single.....that way you avoid the roller coaster ride of "dating". Think of it that way.
yep! | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 2:51:41 AM | | OP, you appear to have some major issues, self esteem being an obvious one, but others probably. I am not a therapist so wouldn't assume any diagnosis, but it does really seem you need help, counseling. Twelve sessions is hardly anything. Therapy is not a magic pill; it doesn't work over night. You need to hang in with it and give it time to work. If you can't afford it, find a support group, something. You are 21 years old and feel you need to be in a relationship. Maybe all your friends are couples, but I imagine the majority of people your age are not in relationships. Maybe it depends on the type of people you hang out with. Find things to do outside your current circle of friends. Join groups, organizations, clubs that do things you are interested in. Take night courses. Stop focusing on and obsessing about being in a relationship. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 5:40:57 AM | Hello Noodles
Lonliness is only an emotion if you look at your life sofar. Just stop beeting your self up let life just take you allong in the flow. Try not looking for a man he will turn up. I have had counciling and I do mindfullness look up mindfullnes it all helped me.
Georgena | |
|
| |
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 7:07:29 AM | OP,
There are different types of people and a huge variety of circumstances in life.
Those who have recommended increased activities, focus on work, in your case take college courses, etc. have given you sage advise. But playing Devil's advocate; the single people that I know aren't "alone" per ce. They have on again off again relationships or booty calls to fill the void on an as needed basis. I'd imagine that if I could pick up the phone and have someone to go out with to fill my void it wouldn't be an issue for me.
Then there's the family and friends recommendation; that's another great piece of advise. But, how about when your friends and family get tired of your leaning on them for support?
There are stronger minded / willed people who can channel their focus and hide / suppress / ignore their voids. Then there are others (me) who are cool with our lives during the active time (work, kids, gym) but when we come to our empty home it's a drag.
Oh and those who've posted about failed relationships because of the various burdens included. Dude, a relationship is two people working at it. Neither person should "carry" the relationship, lose themselves in a relationship or try to make the other happy at their expense. We are responsible for our own happiness. We cannot get into another person and make them happy. We can support, respect and love them. But in the end they have their own issues and responsibility to be happy about themselves.
If you're carrying a relationship of course you're going to be unhappy, resentful and eventually out of it. I understand this because I carried my marriage for 20 years, tried to make her happy and lost myself in the process.
I've worked hard to re-learn who I am and learn to love myself again. However, I'd love to be in a loving relationship where we understand each other and put in the effort to keep things fresh, exciting, interesting, etc. I disagree with those who describe this desire as being "needy" or "clingy".
For those who are happy in their "single" lives more power to you. Some of the forum regulars are terribly jaded, their commentary is grim and disappointing and reveals how flawed they are. They think their advice is spot on while most read it while shaking our heads. They're alone because they have shut off all of those avenues, refuse to get back into the game. But have a million and one opinions on relationships.
It's not that complicated. Live and let live, be a partner to your significant other. Make yourself happy and you'll make them happy by proxy.
G | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 12:24:55 PM |
...I'm not really interested in people telling me to go get help, or not to worry because I am young,
Opse! The only remedy I can think of is to turn to prayers! Pick up your Bible and start praying – that works miracles! | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:07:20 PM |
I'm not really interested in people telling me to go get help, or not to worry because I am young,
Oh, I just noticed this, thanks to the post above. So, OP, you're not interested in 'listening' to two of the fundamental realities of your situation? Which means you will continue on as you have been and continue to feel bad and be screwed up. Wonderful. For the record, anyone who feels desparate and obsessive about being in a relationship has a problem. Anyone who is only 21 and feels that way has a serious problem. You do need help. If you refuse to accept that, that's too bad. Stay screwed up. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/12/2012 4:42:11 PM | Hi OP,
the thing with these forums is that people generally project their own issues on your situation. Fortunately some will address your concern without reading much into it or making assumptions based on their their own experiences.
Anyhow, I don’t think you have issues or need therapy. You only brought up a popular issue that many people are faced with and react to. I don’t think just because you asked for help you are obsessed with being in a relationship. You raised a very good question. Good for you for trying. You do not have to be perfect at age 21. I’m not either. Good luck. :) | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/13/2012 12:47:15 AM | How do I cope? Lol
I just do it. I am 22 and single. Oh well. Just how it is. I do things I love. Drawing, gaming, playing basketball and training. I guess I am pretty happy right now. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/13/2012 4:11:28 PM | Thanks for all the replies, it's been realt interesting reading them and helpful.
Looking back I think I could have left out a lot of the detail I added originally, but it was relevant to me at the time. It really helped me realise that people Probably aren't what I want them to be.
When I said I didn't want to hear about being 21, I kinda meant that I knew I shouldn't be worried about having a partner at my age - but I do feel lonely at times.
I find it interesting that people say about hobbies, I do agree that as a single person you do have more time to fully focus on something. But should a good partner not encourage you to do the things you love? Or even be able to share them with them?
Sometimes I just long for more single friends too, as I feel left out like not bring able to go on holiday and stuff cos all my friends go with partners.
I'm also no longer sure dating sites are right for me anymore. I just struggle to meet people that either arents already in a couple, near me or that I 'click' with.
Wanting a partner is now more like a nagging thought, that frustrates me now. I also don't really get dates either and I think that frustrates me too. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/13/2012 4:48:46 PM | Heres what I do to cope with being single;
I go to a family restaurant...scout out the place...and ask to be sat next to the couple screaming death threats at each other while their kids are shreiking at the top of their lungs. I eat my meal and am glad I am not one of them.
On a more sober note. I actually go to a restaurant and take a book, newspaper or magazine. The trick is to not isolate yourself....thats the worst thing to do. | |
|
RyJFa
| | Joined: 4/28/2012
Msg: 139 | |
| |
| |
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/15/2012 1:38:58 PM | Ironically you have more chance of success from being ok with being single & getting on with your life because how you feel about yourself and your life leaks out in positive vibes. Also you gain a scarcity factor because you know if a guy isn't up to scratch or treats you wrong you *can* just walk away and get back to what you're fine with.
Re: pets
Maybe a dog wouldn't work. A housecat would manage better or a budgie or a guinea pig or a parrot. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 5/15/2012 1:57:29 PM | Cope?
Do you mean how do I contain my utter joy and excitement at the prospect of doing whatever and whomever, whenever I want?
A: Practice. | |
|
| How do you cope with being single?
Posted: 6/26/2012 4:03:34 PM | I think it's important not to spend a lot of time messaging or talking to someone before you meet in person. The reason for that is you build up a fantasy of someone which proves not to be true at all.
I think there were likely clues which you did not see. Think back and see if you can find then. Then, look harder next time. | |
|
Home
login 
