| | My son/daughter will always come first.Page 3 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | I can see why some people might mention it. I was involved in a (very short lived) relationship where the man expected me to be able to just go over to see him at the drop of a hat. He knew perfectly well that I had children but according to him it was 'no excuse'. He refused to accept that I wasn't prepared to take my children out of bed and over to a perfect stranger's house (which is what he was to them), so that we could spend time together, nor could he understand the concept of trying to arrange a sitter and that it wasn't always possible. The one thing that really p1ssed him off was when we were on a date and the childminder rang me to say the youngest was vomiting and running a temperature, and I explained that I had to cut our date short. He couldn't get his head around why I couldn't just leave the chiildminder to deal with it, again my explanation was 'no excuse'. I finished it very soon after that, there was just no point as it was always going to be a sticking point for us.
Sometimes when parents experience this level of resistance in a former relationship, they feel that they have to make it abundantly clear to potential future partners that being a parent means that they are not as 'available' as a person without children. The vast majority of people would appreciate that a child comes first but some don't have a clue. Some think they understand the dynamics but when reality comes and their date has to reschedule, or has to leave to see to their child, they realise that they can't handle it. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/20/2012 12:59:12 PM | In 13 years, it never even occured to me to make a point of introducing my new partner to my ex. At one point, their paths did cross and I said xy this is z. That was it. I met up with my ex husbands wife at my daughters wedding, she is a lovely person and the three of us spent the evening before chatting.
My husband didn't even know about my current for years unless my daughter told him. I didn't know my ex husband was getting remarried until my daughter told me.
I guess it might be a totally different situation if the children are very young but to be honest, I would find it pretty freaky to be checked out by an ex - what if you didn't meet their expectations - would your new love dump you..... | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/20/2012 1:18:41 PM | Most women have kids whether at home or moved on.
If you dont want to come second then find a woman who hasnt had kids.
I have had bad experiences with women with kids.
One kid told her mother to get me out of the house so she did.
I went out with one woman for a year and according to her the kids were a nightmare and she needed me to help her bring them in line. So I helped out during the first year and things improved a bit.
However once we moved in together her attitude changed and the kids could do no wrong. Her youngest son got caught by the police harrassing old women with a toy gun pretending it was real. The police arrived at my house with video evidence of what he had done but she was having none of it. According to her he wouldnt do that.
I realised then i was seriously wasting my time so asked her to leave. She said she would leave but she said I would go running to her after a while. I never did and never would.
I will still date women with kids but I take it very carefully. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/20/2012 5:01:48 PM | Most single mums naturally consider their children to be their first priority. Rightly or wrongly they a judged first and formost on their nurturing and parenting abilities, and they endorse that stance through natural instict.
But I am sure most mothers attitudes softens the more emotion and trust she invests in her guy.
These things are not writen in stone.
;-) | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 12:14:27 AM | Interesting thread, this.
I can understand why parents may choose to state - and nearly always, it seems, in the first two lines - how many children they have and that "they are my world" or "they are my life" or "they are my number one priority" although they really shouldn't need to say it.
But many of them follow this up with "so I have almost no free time" and "looking to meet decent guy for a relationship" (or words to that effect).
How do you expect to date if you have almost no free time? | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 1:02:39 AM | This is not only a female thing!
I have read many a profile where "their kids are their world"
Massive red flag as far as Im concerned!
A comment like that means so many things about that person in my eyes - all of which Im not interested in!
So its a good thing really as I wont waste my time on getting to know them!
x | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 1:23:15 AM | My question is How come sportyguydave2012 gets so many post in a thread? I always get limited to 2 in 10 or something! :scratchyheadthinkingface:
Dunno about "rubbing your face in it" mate, but I see the "kids are my blah blah blah" as a sign of someone who is unlikely to connect with as many fellas as some might. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 1:56:18 AM | surely this is why sites like pof exist.
most of us have baggage and it is important to get that baggage out there so people understand the limits. there are enough people here who can manage the filters we put in place and of course it reduces the pool a long way but so be it.
i would be horrified to see a lady state - i will put my children second to the needs of my new relationship. not everyone wants a karen matthews! | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:07:53 AM | I have never thought I needed to state anything about my kids, other than that I have some. I would have thought that once you begin a relationship then there is an understanding and that the relationship with you and a relationship with you AND the kids becomes a natural progression? My children all know about me on a dating site and so will know that I will eventually have a relationship and so are kind of prepared for that progression. I am not saying its gonna be a bed of roses, but surely these things work with all involved knowing and are respectful of it. My kids come first in the 'mother kids' part of me and a partner would come equally with me in the partnership we would have and really kids don't fit in that bit and will have no need to. I think as long as we are all introduced to each other respectfully and without competition it should be an unseen progression and therefore not a 'bone of contention?'. Having said that, wouldn't you chose someone who was understanding of you having kids?
Just an opinion, but then again...........what do I know! I haven't had any other relationship since I have become separated! ha ha ha! | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:18:49 AM | With most of the single parents I know... When they say their kids come first, they just mean in the overall scheme of things their kids will be their first priority.
Sometimes the kids won't get their way and they'll just have to deal with it.
I didn't like my mum's previous partner... I thought he was a spineless bellend. However I made sure my mum knew, that I was well aware I pretty much had no say in who she decided to date and I was cool with that. She's got no say in who I got out with, so why should I get to pull the plug on her relationships.
So, whilst I would expect from parent to be their for their kid, when the kid actually needs them... I've got no time for parents who bow down to their child's every command and demand - especially when it comes to dating.
So the kid's crying because they're being left with a babysitter? Maybe I see it differently because I'm not a parent, but it's ridiculous that someone would cancel their plans just because of that.
Furthermore, I totally understand that some single parents just find it really hard to get a sitter they trust/get any free time... If they're on a site like this and they know that's the case, then I think that is something that should come up really quickly.
Yes, people might give you a miss because you can only get one weeknight or two weeknights free in a month... and they need to be arranged weeks in advance, but (unfortunately?) that's just one of the possible downsides to your situation. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 2:40:24 AM | I dont think this is one of those things that need stating, its as obvious as, that there are logical steps to getting to a long term relationship.
I am very reluctant to date women that have never had kids, especially in their 40's, as their life experience and priority system will be completely different than mine. They say they understand etc, but they just dont, and i find myself being jealous of their fabulous life of expensive holidays and cars, and in equal measure pity them never having had the feeling of your own child having unlimited love for you, and its returned, plus the responsibility of them putting their whole life your hands. Comparitive emotional maturity are on different levels. Maybe now i am on my own again i could consider this as my requirements are different as are my responsibilities.
On the flip side i have dated women with kids, and been dumped on a whim of a jealous teenager, and that little darling of course was a perfect saint, there are nightmares and minefields on both sides of the coin, we cannot make demands of other people and how they live their life and their relationships with their family. We can only hope we can fit in with them and vise versa.
How many women are faced with the constant possibility of being used as a meal ticket and means of delaying mortgage repossession as they cant afford it and bit off more than they can chew? or gained a house they cannot afford through a divorce?
Fortunately these days women are more empowered than that as whole, but never the less i am sure more than a few guys here will tell you that it still happens.
For me, like many i look to see what time they have for me, and i make an assessment on whether or not i could be a part of their life, or relegated to accessory, or fatally a meal ticket. I have experienced all 3, and unless i am going to be able to integrate fully over a perioid of time then it is not going to work. The trouble is, time is required to figure this one out properly. and often living in as well..... i could have saved myself many years of toxic relationships if i had moved in sooner hahahaha (wrong thread oops!)
If i see profiles that say:
Kids are old enough to do their own thing, now its a bit of ME time,
or
I have given my life to my family, and its time to start thinking about my own
or
Kids are leaving the nest, i have no wish to grow old alone
Then they are positive signs of an intent to include me in thier lives, I have no problem with family comming first when they are in need, but when they take the piss, because the woman has been controlled on all levels and knows nothing better then i cannot help but try to get her to empower herself. The family of controllers of course will react to this threat to their authority.
So its a given that that kids come first, but when they are used as an excuse to not deal with own shit, or are allowed to influence my own choices and freedom, i will draw the line. Equally i have no wish to be in a relationship with someone that treats me as a second class citizen, or tells me that i should tell the kids off if i see them doing something wrong ( im talking stealing, smoking serious stuff) and then undermines me at every turn.
Oh i was a single dad of 2 boys for 5 years, i know how to exist as a single parent and juggle family, life and living. Just getting it out there before some bleeding heart tells me i dont know what its like. Or women get it tougher etc, no they dont its exactly the same..... ever tried getting a date as a real single parent and a male? (not the weekend warrior type)? if i had a pound for everytime i heard oh but between your kids and mine we'd never see eachother! There are a plethora of support networks for women, but for men? .... my only support network was that my employer re drafted me so i could go home every night!
All above is my truth and experience think of it what you will. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 3:59:28 AM | I didn't like my mum's previous partner... I thought he was a spineless bellend. However I made sure my mum knew, that I was well aware I pretty much had no say in who she decided to date and I was cool with that. She's got no say in who I got out with, so why should I get to pull the plug on her relationships.
I'm not sure how old you were then lusipher. Letting your mum know her partner is a "spineless bellend" is one thing but some kids, especially teenagers, act up really badly when mum/dad has a new man and DO get to pull the plug on her relationship, because of their hostile attitude. My son was 14 when his dad moved his new partner in... a couple of weeks after I moved out of what was the marital home... the home he had lived with his mum and dad since he was born. That's a vulnerable age when you are questioning your identity and role in relation to others and the last thing he needed at that time was for me to start dating and seeing other men... not that I felt ready.
You can't blame parents for being cautious about bringing new people into their children's lives. After all, many of these children's worlds have been turned upside down and they haven't had a say in that. Of course mum/dad is going to put them first, unless they're totally selfish....as some are. I never dated for nearly 5 years and part of the reason was because I didn't want to introduce a new man into my son's life, mainly as I didn't want to fragment his world even more. On reflection though, some of that had to do with my own fear of getting close again to another man, but it was difficult to acknowledge that to myself. There's no doubt that kids can be the perfect camouflage at times, but I don't think some people are aware that they are doing that.
I have always been of the mind that children should always come first....although, like I said in another thread, because commitment varies from one person to another, i don't see it as a bad idea to think about what you can actually offer to a relationship. Personally, I also don't see any harm in stating "my kids are my world" or "my kids will always come first"...if you are looking for someone who is happy to fit around you and your children's needs. I knew I was unable to offer very little for a few years and that what I would get in return wouldn't be worth the bother and so dating seemed like a pointless exercise...at that time. Maybe the age of the children is a factor as to why some parents feel they need to categorically state their children come first, which is also understandable. If it bothers people to see that someone has stated their children come first on their profile, then to save any further resentment, why not just move on to the next? | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 4:01:34 AM | Dating a woman with kids is very difficult and frustrating. Those that say their kids come first really mean it. You are just an outsider to be used at her whim. Warming up to kids you did not produce is another problem in itself. Depending on age her kids can be quite nasty and there is nothing you can do about it.
Been there done it and will avoid it in the future... | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 4:07:54 AM | I guess i must be one of the luckier guys then ?, my last ex had all 3 of her sons living with her when i was seeing her, the youngest were the (then) 25 yr old twins, one of which is gay, the oldest was at the time i think 28, i got on with them from day one.
another ex, had a (then) 8 year old lad, and again, we got on great ( ok he did like to listen to me play the guitar, so maybe that helped hahaha ), :O) | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 4:20:24 AM | @msg 67
Tbf, I had left home. My sister was 14 and thought he was a d1ckhead too - her opinion carried more weight than mine as she still lived with mum, but even then my old dear told my sister that she'd just have to deal with it.
Oh I've seen some parents totally bow down to the demands of their kid when a new bloke/girl isn't to their liking.... and a lot of the time, I don't think the kid really gives that much of a sh1t, they just don't want someone muscling in on the attention that they want for themselves.
I can understand parents being cautious when introducing a new person to their kids, but if you don't have any free time, and/or you know your kids are going to be little pr1cks and you're not going to stand up to them, then what is the point of those people looking for someone to get involved with?
I think they're avoiding the reality of the situation they're in and I'd consider them to be timewasters of a sort - unless they make it clear just how little chance they have of meeting up/staying involved with other people.
In all honesty, a woman in that scenario would only be of use as a casual shag to me. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 4:32:45 AM | Oh I've seen some parents totally bow down to the demands of their kid when a new bloke/girl isn't to their liking.... and a lot of the time, I don't think the kid really gives that much of a sh1t, they just don't want someone muscling in on the attention that they want for themselves.
That's very true. It's a pain for some parents having to think about the demands of their kids versus the demands of their partner at times.... I don't think some parents have the strength or will to do battle... all the more reason for some to state their kids come first i guess....
In all honesty, a woman in that scenario would only be of use as a casual shag to me.
Perhaps that's all some of them want... and that's all some of the men want... that's why people should be clearer to themselves about what they can actually offer in terms of a relationship. Too many people are focused on what they can get out of it as opposed to what they can put in.
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 4:57:15 AM | when i see this i say to myself why are they on a site like this?
and why should a guy sit waiting for a date or a free weekend ?
he would be clearly wasting his life and time with that person.
beware the ones that post such words for they will be timewasters | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 5:10:48 AM | This is actually quite an interesting topic and not something i imagine most of us single parents have considered. My profile states 'I have a little girl who means the world to me.' For me, this was my way of letting people know I have a daughter who lives with me and is important. Reading through some replies has certainly opened my eyes to peoples views on single parents. My daughter is only 5 and went through an extremely traumatic time when her dad left the home. For me this has left a huge impact on my approach to dating in terms of how it will impact her. For the past 18 months it has just been the two of us at home and we've had a fab time and i've been happy to spend this time making sure she's happy. If a man comes into the equation i think we're both at a point where we would be happy to accept it. However it is my opinion that as a parent my child doesnt need to be introduced to every relationship i enter into and i plan to keep my relationships separate until the time is right. This would be as much for my daughter as a new relationship. My last relationship was all about my daughter as it was with her dad and we lost who we were as individuals along the way and i dont want that to happen again.
I think the whole single parent dating is difficult to explain. Yes my daughter is my top priority but in order to make sure i'm the best mum i can be sometimes it has to be about me too. Some single parents have that balance sorted and shouldnt be avoided just because they have children.
Also, please consider how difficult it can be to date as a single parent. Anyone could be a potential threat to your child, we read about it in the papers everyday. It certainly makes things a bit more complicated sometimes!!! | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 5:15:07 AM | | I think most men that object to dating a woman with kids only are after sex .Having the kids around kind of slow down the chance to get into her knickers .It is the truth and also she cannot scream as loud as she would like to .Be honest,you are after sex not relationship.lol... | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 5:36:41 AM | @msg 74
I think a lot of blokes will say the reason why they don't want to get involved with a woman with kids is because they can't be doing with the hassle of a relationship where they also have to think about the woman's kids.
Yes the kids getting in the way of sex might be an issue... As might impromptu nights out; the types of nights out; going away on holiday or short breaks;money they have available; having to behave a certain way around the kids; putting up with kids (quite a few people aren't fans of them); not being the focus of the woman's attention; not want to be a male role model for another man's kids; etc
So no, I don't think that most men who don't want to date women with kids are necessarily just after a shag.
Same as most men who are happy to date a woman with kids, aren't necessarily after something meaningful. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 6:39:07 AM | I never thought of that, the kids getting in the way of a bit of bonking lol - My issue would be that, would a woman with kids be able to come over to my flat, and spend the day/evening/night with me? Or with her having kids would that always have to be at hers?
What if the new man and ex dont see eye to eye and clash? Does the woman then dump her boyfriend? I certainly would not want to be involved with a woman who has to get approval from an ex on who she dates. No ex should have that much power over you!
I'm a ordinary working class lad who has an "ok" job but is very happy because it funds my needs and my wants such as my hobbies. I'm looking for a similar woman. I realise that most women in my dating pool will already have at least one child. There are women on this site who are in my dating age range with no children, but most are in fairly high powered professions and generally are looking for a man who has a similar spending power to match their lifestyle (going by what they write on their profiles), yes there are a few who are not professionals who are in a similar position to me (not having kids) but they are very much in a minority. So I realise that most women I'm going to meet will have children. It's just a fact of life.
My issue isnt the children, its the lack of available time they would have for me and the ex! I remember when I first used POF I was chatting to a woman who said that her ex was downstairs in her house spending time with the children, and I politely said to her that I wouldn't want something like that, and I appreciate that they are being nice and civil with each other for the kids sake, but I would never feel comfortable sitting in a girlfriend's home knowing that her ex still comes over for a few hours a week. I'd feel like he's still too involved in her life. I'd much prefer it to be like how it is with my friend, her son's dad comes over, stands at the door picks up their son and takes him away for the day/weekend. That for me is best, as my mate says, he's here for their son, not for her so if he wants to spend time with her son he can do so on his own free time and in his own home or out and about. He home is for her and her son, not the ex.
I'm going to sound all caveman here, but if my girlfriend was down, upset or something happened in her home at night and she had to call someone to come over (even if she just got scared due to a neighbourhood disturbance) I'd want it to be me, not the children's dad! No guy wants to share that "hero" mantle with another man. | |
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| My son/daughter will always come first.
Posted: 5/21/2012 6:44:59 AM | It depends on the age of the children!!
Of course you are going to put them first in certain situations your there mum above all else. Mine are older so not so reliant on babysitters and they can be left to there own devices and of course they both work full time as do I.
Mine do have contact with there dad but he doesnt sit in my house as some do (as above poster has just said) he collects them in car or they go to him (they are 19/23) only time he ventures into mine is if he needs the lav or Ive a job that needs doing but if I were seeing someone I would ask the person Im seeing to do it if I felt that would............ | |
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