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| | My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice pleasePage 3 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I would remind my children ONCE that I did not raise them to be impolite or turn their backs on family, then I would consider it a closed topic. I would then inform my ex that I have talked to the children and consider it to be a closed subject between us as well.
He is the one who needs to open up the discussion and speak candidly to his children. If he cannot be 100% honest and forthcoming with them regarding his choices, then who am I to explain them? I refuse to run interference between my Ex husband and my kids. If an adult cannot figure out how to discuss life changes, relationships and emotion with their offspring then they either need to learn, or they deal with the consequences. I am not my ex husbands mommy nor am I his moderator. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/28/2012 4:36:24 PM | Don't let the posters that berate you get to you. All parents, even those with the best intentions, are going to make some mistakes. All you can do is keep an eye on yourself. If you see yourself being out of line you apologize to your children. You speak the truth about situations when they ask you because if you don't you will pay. Children will test to see if you are willing to face the truth. Be very careful not to use the truth to talk bad about your ex. Do not let your ex make you his patsy.
In the end you and your children will be better off. In some cases families learn to get past the hurt and respect each other and even do things together.
This bears repeating:
If an adult cannot figure out how to discuss life changes, relationships and emotion with their offspring then they either need to learn, or they deal with the consequences. I am not my ex husbands mommy nor am I his moderator. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/28/2012 5:31:53 PM | the bottom line is:
he no longer gets to control what you do.
actually, he doesn't get to control the adult children either.
i would just make whatever contact he has with you brief.
if he berates you or tries to manipulate you into influencing the kids, just say, thanks, good bye. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/28/2012 5:42:35 PM | | Say nothing, do nothing. You are divorced, your kids are making their own decisions, and everything should be better with your world. You are handling your own responsibilities and it is not your job to get involved with your husband's 'flava' of the month. If your children do not want to meet this person, they don't have to. It was their choice and their father needs to understand that. I guess he forgot that eventually little people grow up and develop their own characters and attitudes. He needs to respect that and swallow his pride. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/28/2012 6:42:48 PM | Tell your ex his love life is none of your business and you'd like to keep it that way.
If he has any issues with the kids, he can talk to the kids. They can handle it however they choose, they are not babies.
If he doesn't like it, HE'LL have to do something about it. Not your issue. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/28/2012 7:16:07 PM | I think being close in age to your oldest child, being the child of divorced parents, and a father who dated and remarried- I might have a little more insight than most people who are responding.
The best thing you can do is to remain out of his business and to keep any comments, unless your children ask; to yourself. Which it appears you're already doing. But in all fairness you're a woman who has only been divorced 18 months after twenty one years of marriage- you have every right to be miffed about his behavior. You do have an identity outside of being a mother. You were once this man's wife and spent half of your life with him. Who wouldn't be a little hurt by the way he is carrying on?
Trust me, your children know this too. They are fully aware of what happened between you two, and how each of you is going about the end result. It's not that they don't love their father; but they do see that his actions are hurting you--even just a little bit-- and honestly, they're probably pretty embarrassed about the way he is carrying on. They're old enough to know how relationships work and whats healthy behavior and what isn't.
They see you taking on responsibility of raising them, while he's attention is finding your replacement, getting bored, and finding a new one. Who would take this man's relationship seriously? He obviously can't stand the thought of being alone.
The only obligations they have are to you and him, and making sure their relationship with both of you is the best they could be individually. It is not their concern whether their relationship with their mother makes him happy or vice verse. You're two separate people, no longer a joint unit. As for his new girlfriend- they don't owe her anything.
First, they're probably not even taking his relationship with her that seriously. More like rolling their eyes at yet another woman who dad has said he was serious with recently. I think once they see this woman is for the long haul, they may want to meet her. The thing is he has to stop hounding them to meet her. He's making it all about his happiness and this woman's happiness- and nothing about their happiness or their mother's. He's being selfish so they are responding in like.
Stay out of it. They'll make their own choice. Just keep your mouth shut unless they ask-- if they do, be honest. If you don't like something: say so! It will mean a lot more to your kids than covering it up with a white lie for the sake of peace. They need to see you as a real person not just their mom.
It's their dad's behavior that needs he adjusting and you're in no way, shape or form responsible for covering his ass or justifying it because "its their father". He's an adult and as much a parent as you are. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/29/2012 6:48:38 AM | Not sure where people are "berating" the OP, here...
As I reread the OP, here's the part that jumped out at me:
Now he's working on me to try to get them to meet her. I have never interfered in his private life and I don't feel it's fair for him to ask me to do it now.
Not wanting to "berate" or even be critical of the OP, but this is where the boundary lies. If her ex wants to somehow introduce his new "squeeze" to his kids, that's HIS business, not hers. And it is completely appropriate to say to him "That's none of my business, you'll have to take it up with them..."
Part of the marital relationship is to "back up" a spouse. That relationship no longer exists. The OP has no obligation to "back up" or support her ex-husband. I'm not saying that she should "cut him down" either. Just stay out of it all together.
Be there for your children who are going through the hell of this situation. Be there and listen to what they are going through. If they ask, you can decide what you are going to say and how you'll say it. (I think honesty, tempered with charity is always the best policy...) But on the whole, I say this is not really any of your concern and I would try and think of how to say that to your ex-husband.
And yes, I know that by reading this thread most of this has been resolved to some extent or another. But it is always a good lesson. And I say this as a guy who wrestles with my own boundaries with my ex. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/29/2012 7:13:25 AM | He's established a pattern of behaviour that the kids have determined is chronic and don't want to be a part of it. He's been changing girlfriends every 3 months, so the kids are tired of being introduced to strangers once or twice and then they're gone.
Suggest the kids make an agreement with him, neither should take it personally, wait perhaps 5 or 6 months and if he's still with his girlfriend, things are going well for him and she's "the one", they'll meet her. It's not about the girlfriend, they simply feel his behaviour is juvenile, and they're beginning to have problems remembering all the new names.
Parents as a rule shouldn't introduce their children to boyfriends and girlfriends unless they 've established that the relationship is becoming a long term one. It doesn't set a good example. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/29/2012 7:29:38 AM | PAS??? Really???
First and foremost. Divorced 1.5 years, so most likely separated from each other for 3 or so. 17 year old would have been 13-14 when things began to unravel. 24 year old would have been in 20 or so. The 12 year old goes with the flow.
First, I am a strong believer that it is NEVER wrong for someone to express their feelings to the children (or anyone for that matter) about how one "feels". Second, I believe it is impossible for a parent to feel a certain way about what is going on at the "other" house and not have some sort of transference of that feeling even if nothing is said (human communication is 80% body language and 20% vocal).
When I say how one feels, I don't mean name calling, I mean expressing your own values and opinions about what is right. "You father is an a--hole" is not expressing a feeling.
"I personally do not think that moving in with someone after three months is appropriate" Is expressing how you feel, what "your" values are and are quite legitimate to express to your child. If you saw your slutty neighbor having different guys walk out of her house every morning, you would say something to your kid about how you feel in that situation, so why is it wrong to try to pass your morals to your children??
I deal with being bashed by the ex on a regular basis. "Your father is an a-hole" Comes out of her mouth on a regular basis. My son as most kids in a divorced situation that see both parents, is not stupid and sees things for what they are. She can try to alienate me all day long. Even though she has custody, he sees it is me that picks him up for sports and drives him here and there. I don't just yell at him whenever he gets sub-par grades, I sit down with him to work on a plan to do better . I reward him for positive behavior (not spoil him with gifts).
You guys are jumping to decisions and slamming the OP when perhaps there is more to the story than a paragraph. Perhaps the father is not emotionally available to the kids and has alienated himself.
OP - Continue to be a good parent to your kids, instill your values in them and do what you feel is right by them. Don't let these amature shrinks who let their own minds be clouded by their own personal misery change you. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/30/2012 9:21:18 AM |
PAS??? Really??? Yes, I had an *eye roll* over that poster. An agenda there, me thinks.
I endured a spate of my mother's lovers - grew to despise them and her. Seriously OP - ignore the barbs. You're on the right track. Your ex is merely using his children to gain approval for his behaviour. "See? The children like her, so I can't be such a bad person." Kids see through that, as you've discovered. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/30/2012 9:48:13 AM | | They guy I dated a while his ex destroyed relationship using their child they had together bc she was very controlling of his time with his daughter n crazy obsessive calling n imposing on any plans we could have if she would let him have her daugher for longer than few hrs thing would be different now thanks to her we both single n what did she accomplished. Why bc she doesn't have someone he can't either | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/30/2012 10:13:04 AM | I would say nothing, do nothing. You said you would try, but posted anyway. Now it is too late.
And you are tying very hard to convince us that your children haven't picked up any of your negativity regarding your ex? Hum, I can smell it here.
As a famous small green philosopher once said “Do or do not... there is no try." | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/9/2012 6:00:11 PM | nycblonde728- Out of all the responses, yours means the most. You have been through this, so it's good to hear a voice that reflects the feelings of my kids.
They love their father and I want them to, but they are more than a little put off at this point.
Our divorce was hard on them, especially the oldest.
No one knew how we would deal with it afterwords, but no one saw my ex's behavior coming.
It's has been hurtful to me, but I can take it. I divorced him for a reason.
What hurts my children hurts me and it's been confusing to them at best.
As of this post, only the 12 year old has met the new girlfriend.
My ex is taking my 12 year old and my 17 year old for fathers day, if my oldest son can get the day off, hopefully he will be there too.
Life never brings promises or easy choices, but until the day I no longer draw breath, I will love and be there for my kids.
This is the only thing within my control and that's ALL I plan on telling my ex should the subject come up again.
Hugs to you, you are wise beyond your years. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/9/2012 6:35:05 PM | Bama: You sound like you're doing a damn good job in a rough situation. You're obviously wanting to be the best for your kids in this situation and they, no doubt, know that.
Pretty typical behavior from a certain poster (or two)........don't take it personally. Drinking vodka for breakfast makes the keyboard type funny things........... | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/9/2012 7:43:11 PM | 1) This in NOT PAS. Please do not throw such labels around so casually, espescially based on personal experience.
2) It is up to the kids to choose what kind of relationship they have with their father. You are doing the right thing by recognizing their right to think, feel and choose.
3) Shame on dad for not considering his kids feelings. What child wants to see a parent behave so promiscuously? This is very damaging to children and the way they view or form relationships of their own.
4) Ask dad to spend time with the kids, without the new gf. Maybe after a certain amount of time they will be ready. A good parent would not force this.
5) The 12 year old needs to spend time with Dad for sure.
6) Suggest to your ex that if he wants you to become involved, the entire clan should go to counselling. He needs it for sure. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/13/2012 2:51:50 AM | | What you just wrote makes absolutely no sense and does not reflect my comment at all,lol....You mention she is defending herself and does not throw out derogatory comments around her children, then contradict and justify her actions with bad actions of her ex,lol...From there my points had nothing to do with either, or does not reflect her action but rather her undertones....You do not have to verbally communicate negativity, emotions speak considerably louder than words at times...Then you added your own take on the situation, and threw in an insult lol... Maybe you should polish up on your reading... | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/13/2012 7:56:16 AM | as msg 55 put it correctly, you are doing fine and your kids are fine they make their own mind up at that age.
Cant believe how some people would slate that, the KIDS have made their mind up! and at 24 and 17 they are capable of it! | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/13/2012 9:36:38 AM | Does your 24 and 17 year old think dad has no right to date? Personally I think your oldest kids are being immature, he is asking the kids to meet her, not calling her mommy? Your kids should give her a chance she may be a genuine nice person, the more people who care for your kids the better off they will be.
I think the 12 yr old is acting more mature than the other two. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/13/2012 9:50:53 AM | | Sticky situation to be in for sure OP and this thread has had some very intelligent replies! My kids were 14 and 11 when my marriage split. For reasons I will not disclose here, they had not seen their father for 3 months and were to go and spend a weekend with him. I encouraged that but also knew that after the split, he had moved in with another woman. Due to the upheaval, I asked the Ex to please just make it Daddy and children time as I didn't think they could handle more. 15 minutes after he had them, bang, the intro to the new lady. Over time it became obvious that her needs came before his children. I used to lie to my daughter and tell her that her Dad had called to wish her a happy birthday or something like that when he had forgotten. I "wanted" them to maintain some kind of relationship with him. My daughter flat out told me one day to stop lying and trying to push her as she knew the truth. Very fine line to tread OP and I wish you all the best. Being positive yet not too forceful is difficult balance but you can do it! | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/13/2012 10:26:33 AM | OP Good Luck with the situation, and continuing doing what you are doing. All you can do is guide your children, at their ages, you cannot force them to do anything. Your ex is fortunate that the kids still want to see him especially the 12-year-old who has seen all the different GFs.
As for PAS, sure there is some, your ex has done a very good job of alienating his children, let's put the blame squarely where it belongs. Again, he should be happy that they want to see him and not force them into a relationship with his GF that they are not yet ready for.
Adult children are just that, adults capable of making their own decisions. Mine haven't spoken to their father in years and when I ask them about it, they tell me that it is between him and them and not my my concern. Can't say that I like that answer because they will always be my concern, but they were adults when they made the decision and it is their choice. And no before anyone says it, I did nothing to alienate them, he did that just fine all on his own. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/13/2012 1:06:41 PM | I think you're doing the right thing. What you may want to tell them is this. If she last more than x amount of time. Go ahead and just meet her and be polite.
The other problem is that the more your ex tries to ram this relationship to his children, the more they are going to resist it. So let it flow naturally. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/13/2012 5:26:00 PM | Shelby: it is you who makes little sense here. The op is doing just fine. This is a forum where she is communicating with other adults and the language choices she makes are probably very different from the ones she uses with her children. Your first post made little sense either, just a lot of verbal diarrhea. For your info, I know very well what I am talking about. The persons emotions I am worried about are the kids.
No doubt the op is annoyed at her ex. Obviously she does not demean the man too much or would not have even seen fit to approach her--he would have done what he wanted, regardless.
At least she is concerned about her children and understands what is upsetting them: her ex seems to think it is her responsibility to solve the mess he has created with his insensitivity towards his children. | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/16/2012 7:40:19 AM | | I love the term "verbal diarrhea" , lol, no those are words,lol and they do make sense, they are not long "words" either,lol...Second, once again, I was directing that comment to another person and you commented on it,lol...It is quit obvious how she speaks of her Ex and comments on this site about him, she is doing considerable damage to her children... | |
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| My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 6/16/2012 12:23:13 PM | Parents should BUTT out at some point..........there are adults involved (supposedly) and they should act accordingly
Agreed.
The courts will listen to children as young as 8 years old and TAKE their OPINION into consideration,so I suggest the OP's ex figure it out and start talking with his children. It's not the OP's job to change the kid's opinion. She may "suggest" but ALL three of them are old enough to see with their own eyes,make a PERSONAL opinon and act accordingly.
You NEVER tell a child WHAT to think, you teach them HOW to think. With that they become accountable adults. It's a lesson "Daddy" is learning right now. Reality sucks sometimes. A lot of adults have a very tough time with children that actually have a brain,use it, and do not stand silent. If "Daddy" doesn't want to be treated like a moron, he probably shouldn't act like one. | |
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