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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/22/2012 10:01:06 PM | | The moms your age that are doing well and are focused on keeping it together are likely not looking for a boyfriend, so you aren't meeting them because they aren't on dating sites or aren't able to be fortunate enough to be in school like you are at this time. Join parent groups and play groups for your kiddo with the intention of opening up your community - I bet you'll find that you make great friends and that one of them turns into someone special. | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/22/2012 10:17:33 PM | You want your cake and you wanna eat it too! I get it!
Me too!
Only difference is I didn't expect to do so when I was 24..
lol even now.. i don't really expect that.. only sometimes, a really amazing man brings me birthday cake and feeds it to me.. then I get my cake and I get to eat it too..
There are plenty of people out there.. don't lower your standards.. don't "settle" just don't expect her to be waiting around the corner.
Oh and yes.. what you said in you OP is a pure sterotype.. but.. it's ok.. i feel that way about the selection of men sometimes too. | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/23/2012 11:51:59 AM | No need to lower your standards.
Even as a student (tight budget), you can find another student to baby-sit on a Friday or Saturday night for pay ofcourse. You could build trust by maybe asking the person to sit for 3 to 4 hours on a Friday and as you get comfortable see if they would be available for overnight. Do this once a month to allow yourself play time with friends but parenting often times mean sacrifice and limited time out with friends. | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/27/2012 10:11:30 AM | | i appreciate your understanding, and it may have/be shallow and i know its not going to be easy but i really would like to find someone that's on the same page or even begging to be. something to grow together and experience. lol. perhaps these aren't realistic expectations but ill keep on dreaming. lol | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/27/2012 10:13:46 AM | | That is great advice, but luckilly as of recent my sons mother has begun what appears as "effective" treatment for some of her issues and has been trustworthy so hes been going there for the weekends. i have begun filling my weekends with a lot of fishing and healthy activities! thanks for the post! | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/27/2012 10:15:58 AM | | and thanks everyone for your continuous posts, i do understand that in an ordinary circumstance (if one exists) its difficult finding the right one, and thats without complications. Im going to keep focusing on the things that are important and keep dreamin' | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/27/2012 9:08:54 PM | It's not really that hard.. it comes down to what YOU are looking for. that's what makes it hard. There are plenty of people who will date parents.. you just have to find them AND be what THEY are looking for. My guess would be you will NOT find this in the college crowd.. not because anything is wrong with them or you.. or they are shallow or you are.. but simply because you represent reality (you know.. house kid dog picket fence) and they are in... well.. college.. which is kinda like an alternate reality.... and for most college kids.. they like it that way.. Let see.. skip the frat party to have home cooked dinner with you?? hmmmm... probably not....
of course there will be a few who will like what you represent, but in college they will be minimal. you'll probably have to look outside the college world, where you will find them, but maybe not in the age bracket you are looking for. I don't think you should drop your standards.. I don't *necessarily* think they are too high either... but you are a college student with a child, job or no job.. that's more then a childfree college student is looking for. most of the time. When you look for a single mom who's working.. at your age.. they are young, most likely not yet educated and not yet experienced in their field.. so they will be struggling or at least appear to be. It doesn't mean they are bad people. Since you have done the "pure chaos" lifestyle, then you should know that it's entirely possible to come out of it a better stronger person, since that's exactly what your posts infers about yourself..They made the same "whoops" you did and *most* are doing their best with the situation, whatever it may be. if that's not good enough for you, then that's all it is. If you're not finding women that fit your vision now.. you will eventually.. but you might have to wait a few years..
In the meantime enjoy your son and don't blink! If you do he'll suddenly be a teenager and you'll miss it!! | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/28/2012 6:09:36 PM | | Thank you, this entire thread has brought a lot of light into what was originallly a mystery. theres still a lot i need to learn but its a start. and i know what you mean, hes only four but its gone so quickly!! | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/28/2012 11:35:43 PM | | At 24 years old, I can understand that you feel frustrated. You need to focus on your child, and also realize that it takes 2 to have a child. As they said in Indiana Jones...He Chose Poorly. We are all the result of our mistakes (not that your child is a mistake) and it is easy to get sour about it if you don't take responsibility for your role in this. I am a bit older, and have my kids quite a bit. I chose poorly also, but I have awesome kids so I just consider the rest part of the package. I do find that ladies shy away from a guy with kids...too much potential for drama and it makes the getaway romantic weekends sound like they might be rare. shallow, possibly, but why should they settle when there are Plenty of Fish? C'est la vie | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 6/29/2012 5:27:41 AM | | So true sir, so true. And my son wasn't the mistake it was who I had him with being my only mistake. Thanks for the post! | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/7/2012 6:31:30 AM | You are in a tough place, especially at your age when a lot of women who are potential dates haven't had kids yet and might not have the maturity that you have. It sounds like you really have it together which is awesome. It will absolutely be worth it and I think when your life is in order the rest will fall into place (coming from someone who has been in your situation many years ago). A person with similar values will come along eventually.
To ease the loneliness I would suggest making more female friends around campus and online. You might find a woman in the same situation as you. Or you might find someone without kids who sees the value in the kind of father you are and is open to a relationship with a single dad. Definitely stay true to your standards of being someone who is either working or in school. Of course your main focus should be your child & school, but that doesn't mean you can't make a little time for dating and friendships. Good luck to you! | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/7/2012 8:08:07 AM | Thank you for your post I'm in exactly the same situation. I've had relationships and the last two ended because the woman decided she did not want to go out with a man with a child. And one of them was a single parent herself.
I do find that women are attracted to the idea of a man being family orientated but it's the piratical side that's where it all fails. And to top it all off my baby sitter is going to university next September and I know this means I will feel restricted. (As my sons mum rarely has or even sees him).
My only advice is to try spend time on yourself without your child and get out!
If you ever find the answer please let me know | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/7/2012 3:12:10 PM | Your suggestion about hiring a house keeper is a good one. It doesent have to be all that pricy too. When I was a 37 yr old single mom of 3 getting very little childsupport and also a full time student i took in a friend of a friend that needed a place to stay. She lived for free and gave me basically 24 hr daycare and did all the laundry. My kids were older, pre-teens so it wasnt like she needed to change diapers, just be an adult presence in the house. She was an older women in her 50's and just loved "the life of leisure". The freedom it allowed me was amazing.
And just because a women is educated doesnt mean she is smart. Meeting a man that already understands the overwhelming responsiblity and unconditional love that floods into you the second your child is born is a gift. | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:12:45 PM | | Thank you for your advice and im hearing that a lot of folks have been into this situation. Although some folks have misunderstood what i was trying to say i apreciate your understanding when i may or may not have laid out my standards. Thanks for your post!! | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:16:27 PM | | I'm beginning to think that although it sounded rude the way it was said it might be a good idea. I do live in a state without any family or many "positive" friends and even having someone of the opposite gender around might be a good thing. Nice to have someone to talk to and just be around. My family was never much, and his mothers family is good to him so i figure i might as well stay up here. How would I post a help wanted add like that? lol!! | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/8/2012 10:26:49 PM | | I know exactly what you are going through. I myself am a single father but I am 21 and the last girl I dated left me because she couldn't stand that my daughter came first. so if you find out anything helpful in dating please pass it on | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/9/2012 10:39:52 AM | | I think what she was saying that you are stereotyping all young young single mothers as unstable and not doing well and I think you were just stating from your experiences. It is tough to find someone out there dont give up hope. Also if your sons in daycare at all most of the teachers do babysitting on side which works out well since your son is already comfortable around them. | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/9/2012 12:25:31 PM | | Ill let you know. Its difficult to keep your head up at times as far as datings concerned but do your best and keep your head up. I struggle at times myself. | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/9/2012 5:00:25 PM | After being a single father for 2 years, I have also experienced that it's not an easy thing to find dates, or to expand my social circle. Between work and personal life with the boy, we don't get that much time to go out together besides a few trips to the park or pool, and occasionally to play with a friend's child. But time is limted, unlike suggested above (something along the lines of parenting groups and meeting women at parks), I refuse to attempt to meet a woman with my child present - it could happen by happenstance, but it's not my intention by any means. I think that just gives dads a bad name, any should only be a gimmick in a movie (Big Daddy).
The only time I have "worked on my personal life" so to speak, is when my son is enjoying his visits with his mother. I personally believe it is not appropriate to leave my son with a sitter at 2-1/2 years old, simply so I can go on a random date. If I were becoming involved with someone, maybe a sitter would be appropriate.
Personally, I do have to agree that many women, with or without children of their own; will tend to shy away from a single custodial father. And of course, I'm not just saying this because I think that's the only reason why I can't "find dates" or meet women, I'm well aware that I'm not everyone's cup of tea... But I have been in a few situations where we were both taken with each other and conversation was flowing, until she asked if I had kids. When it came out that I did, a 2 year old who lives with me her demeanor changed notably, things became rather subdued on her behalf... and I never heard from her again afterward. I've even have been told outright, "I'd like to find a guy just like you, without kids."
*shrug* It's something I'm hardly bothering with currently. I would rather spend happy times with my son, then getting more bitter and cynical about the merry-go-round that seems to be the dating world after spawning.
My suggestion: School, Work, Kid. Those are your priorities. Everyone who says to take care of YOU, is a selfish person (my ex is one of them). There is no YOU anymore, its now you and your child. Learn lots, work hard and make his/her life as good as you can, focus your energy on the fruit of your loins and eventually, if you're lucky you might have someone find you.
I never noticed how young your child was... because that seems to make a big differance.
Or another way to say it, something I have learned myself:
"Suck it up, we have been condemned to most likely be lonely in the future by the woman who promised us our hopes and dreams in the past."
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/9/2012 5:08:00 PM | I bet it is hard my roomate is a single mom and she decided to put most of her focus on her child and school/career which is the way it should be. When kids come in the picture its not about you anymore.
I have had single fathers approach me they were nice sweet guys but knowing they have kids. I just knew it wouldnt work out, so there would be no point in going furthur. I am no where near ready for kids thats a huge responsibility for me to take on. I want to be married first before I have my own (Id rather adopt) but I have alot of plans before I even get there so its not a "shallow" decision for me its just a practical decision.
You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are standing up and taking responsibility. Thats a big part of being a man so it may seem rough now but you will have no problem finding someone that is right for you and your son :) | |
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| Young single pops in a tough place
Posted: 7/9/2012 5:35:00 PM | | Thank you, and although your view is harsh it is WELL respected that you are upfront and honest enough to admit that. Its admirable. Thanks again for your post, compliments, and most of all a truthful answer! | |
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