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| | PROBLEM with stepkidPage 2 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The real issue is.... most of the parents that would do that anyways are the uneducated ones themselves that would not even understand the rules they themselves must follow to be a member of society which coincidentally viewable in the demographic statistics, show that very same correlation.
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Wow.. this was totally uncalled for and completely wrong. There is nothing wrong with putting your foot down, setting rules and expecting them to be followed. If that doesn't' work then the ADULT child should be sent out into the real world. Yes a few things can happen good and bad.. but in the end once the kids reach adulthood you don't have control over them anymore, you can only control what you yourself put up with. I would never put up with my son disrespecting the household. Regardless of if something happened to him during his teen years doesn't give him the right to disrespect the household. I personally think the cell phone being cut off would be a great start. It's a privilege and an unnecessary things at best. No one will die without their cell phone. Rather it might open his eyes a little to the real world. You don't pay the bills, your stuff gets shut off. You don't' respect those who care for you, they don't do things for you anymore. That's how the world works. reality sucks and life isn't fair.. he has to learn that sometime. Better while he's at home and still young then when he's older and doing it on his own. I only suggest kicking them out if they refuse to follow rules of the household, whatever they may be. My mom had some strict ones.. I turned out pretty good despite being kicked in the butt | |
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Posted: 6/9/2012 10:50:02 AM | It always blows me away when single moms and dads whine about people not wanting to date them because of their kids. It also ticks me off when they act like their is no financial or emotional stress involved. whatever.
First of all your husband has created this monster of a young man. People dont discipline their kids when they are young and then when they grow up their parents keep bailing them out of problems and then the kid does whatever they want.
Tell your husband new rules or you are gone. Give this guy 2 months to get out. He can find a job, you can give him a little seed money, but let him know he's not welcome back to live there, only for visits.
if he doesn't comply you call the cops after 2 months and you tell him that's what will happen. Make your husband man up and make him do it.
Screw understanding. This is about discipline and teaching this person that this isn't ok. If he wants to ruin his life let him. But his problems can no longer by your problems.
If your husband wimps out, you have two choices. To leave or to stay and get used to it. I hope it works out for you. | |
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Posted: 6/9/2012 10:51:24 AM | | Have you spoken to your husband about family counseling? If he is military they offer help to families. The state will also be able to help. Press upon your husband that enabling is the same as not loving his son. | |
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Posted: 6/9/2012 1:30:00 PM |
Are you sure you are a man?
Men don't quit. Tossing an unruly child on the street sure seems like quitting talk.... with just a little bit of knowledge and oh maybe even some light reading it is easy to see that way NEVER works.
Forgetting to teach a child about the world and responsibilities gradually over time during the teen years to then bombard them with a harsh dose of "kissmyass you are on your own" NEVER works to make a child grow up.
You’re wrong that “it NEVER works.” It worked in our family.
We went through something very similar to OP’s stepfamily, when at 16-17 one of the kids decided to go haywire along the same lines. At 18, adulthood, she was given the choice to follow the code in the house or live on her own by her own code. She "chose" to move out and no longer receive financial support. In those three years, she's taken some rough roads, but she's exceeded anything we would have had expected or dreamed of and has done it all on her own. She's transferring to a top-30 business school this fall and she got herself here all on her own. Good thing we did get out of her way, although it was pretty scary to let go. But that was our problem to deal with. Four years ago, we pretty much thought she'd never graduate high school. So, yeah, it works.
It isn't about fighting with them or controlling them. It's that you have to respect and accept that if he/she does not want to live by the codes and standards in your home and wants to live by their own codes, its time to go do that. If you take the perspective of anger, punishment or battle (“kissmyass” “tossing a child on the street”?), its the parent's anger that's the problem. It isn't "quitting" anything except being angry and in a power struggle with someone who is an adult. My dad- her grandpa- had a hard time with that concept and said things like, "You're just quitting on her!" "I'm not going to let her DIE!" Pfft. Like he could prevent it anyway. But, she's done far better on her own than she was doing while we were all locked in battle.
Allowing, or maybe its accepting, that your adult child makes his or her own choices is really rooted in having faith in them to take care of themselves, and in having faith that you did teach them along the way. But if you condone and fund criminal behavior, disrespect, and causing chaos and trouble in the family, eventually you realize you're being hypocritical when you say you don't approve of it. Of course you approve of it- you're funding it. Worst of all, you're preventing the lesson this perfectly capable young adult wants/needs/has chosen. It's the parent who is standing in the way.
I hope your husband gets it, OP. In my opinion, he's not helping his son at all, sorry to say, because I bet he means well. He's probably all wound up in guilt anyway. But letting go and having faith in the kid is the best route- fake it til you make it, or whatever the cbt shorthand is. Worked for us. We went to some family seminars and therapy with other families like us and I saw (and felt) how hard it is to change your own perspective and actions. If he lets this go on much longer, I don't know how you can stay if he and his son just remain in dysfunction and battle and the household stays in chaos. Hope he gets it. | |
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Posted: 6/9/2012 2:15:32 PM | sound like an angel
compared to my x's son
he had all that and more.. at 16!
well, having served in the forces
I went down to the reserves
had a long talk with some of the officers
convinced my x that it was worth a try
and made him join
he is now in the regular navy, finished high school,has a house, a girlfriend, a great trade
he is clean, no drugs or booze
and he thanks me every holiday for NOT giving up on him | |
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Posted: 6/9/2012 10:22:34 PM | Tossing an unruly child on the street sure seems like quitting talk.... Wow!! Double wow!! This 'child' is 21 years old. No child. Unruly? OMFG. That's how you discribe a little one or at best and adolescent. This is a 21 year old man.
OP, get you husband get this 'kid' to join the military. Problem solved. I guarantee. He is not a boy, he is not a child, he is a MAN. This 21 year old who refuses to grow up. He needs to grow up. Your husband can tell him if he joins the military and sticks with it there will be rewards--monetary, college, whatever kind of thing will motivate this kid. If he doesn't join up, he's out on his own. The 'child' needs to get a job, get his own place and grow up and be a man instead of a sniveling, pathetic loser.
... having served in the forces
I went down to the reserves
had a long talk with some of the officers
convinced my x that it was worth a try
and made him join
he is now in the regular navy, finished high school,has a house, a girlfriend, a great trade
he is clean, no drugs or booze
and he thanks me every holiday for NOT giving up on him
This is what I said in message 14. That's the solution. | |
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Keoni7
| | Joined: 5/12/2012
Msg: 32 | |
| PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/9/2012 11:26:59 PM | I have been in a relationship where the kids come first and foremost. It always made me feel like i came last. The fact was that I was last and I would always be..
Now I want a relationship where we can be equal and spoil each other instead of a favorite child.
I waited eight years for things to change and they never did. There was always that favorite child on her mind. We couldnt even go shopping out of town without her buying stuff for her now 19 yr old .
All I could do to make a supermom happy was to help fuell her habit .
Now I am out to find someone who wants to biuld a life together. I love family, but what about us?
Keoni7 | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 3:19:32 AM | What a load of hog wash, particularly that she can't empathize because she doesn't have bio kids. I cried buckets of tears over my stepson and continued to help him after he moved out but at some point it wasn't doing him any favors to keep helping.
Children are of legal age when they are 18 in every state. I moved out when I was 19. This is not a kid, he can legally drink, has been able to vote and serve in the armed forces for three years. So he wasn't cut out for college or at least will not find the motivation to finish until he is older, that doesn't mean that his parents should provide him with a very nice room, perks such as food, probably gas money, electronics, laundry service (ever if he does his own wash which seems somewhat doubtful given the picture painted).
The world contains rules. One must observe them to remain employed, in order to have positive and productive professional and personal relationships. As we would with a 10-year-old, you abide by the rules or experience a punishment and yet this disciplinary structure is abandoned because the child is an adult. Seems logical that when one is an adult, more is expected of him rather than less. How is this father preparing him for a world that gives you nothing for free? Sometimes being a good parent requires stepping back and allowing them to fall, and staying close so that you can help them up.
Many people seem to forget that our job is to raise children who will when they are adults become productive citizens, not blindly support free-loaders. We help after they are 18 if they are going to college because it is more difficult if supporting oneself entirely and going to school, or perhaps they have a job and are saving up for a vehicle or down payment on a house. We are not doing them any favors if we allow them to sit and spin in adolescence without sticking even one toe out into the real world and sorry, college isn't it unless someone is paying his own way.
I speak to this having a child in college now and a stepson who is now 33. There is a difference between a soft place to land and trying to stretch childhood to 25. The young man should be given a reasonable amount of time to secure employment and begin paying a small rent. He should also be informed that there is a reasonable timeline for him to work toward moving out; let him know when his subsidized housing is over.
I work with college students and I've seen a few that are cut off pretty much the minute they graduate. I think that's a bit harsh but if their parents indicated that they are done paying the bills with the last college statement, then if the child has not planned accordingly he can grow up and become an adult who is responsible for solving his own problems. My daughter who is 20 is capable of running a small country with her hands tied behind her back but if I'm around she tends to be lazy and acts like she is incompetent. Some kids, just like birds, need a nudge out of the nest. Most suck it up and grow up while others recognize they are not all that and ask to come back home and live under the rules.
OP, ask your husband to step away and how he would evaluate and deal with a new recruit with his son's behavior. I can't imagine he got this way without his father cleaning up messes as he was coming up. Also, I'd tell him that you are frustrated and say just what you said here, that you didn't want to go home and that scared you. Tough love is not abandoning or giving up on a kid, it's as the previous poster stated, getting out of their way and allowing them to grow up. | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 6:57:59 AM | First I think, OP, you'd be better off having this conversation with your husband instead of a bunch of strangers in an internet forum.
VERBAL COMMUNICATION is a vital part of any relationship.
Something is going on with this kid and the father should be wanting to find out what it is and help him through it. Your the step mom, yes, but how you feel is in play here too. I can see you want to help, your husband should see that too.
His son is now an adult and this is just my opinion but it's time for him to stop bailing him out when he gets in trouble. My mother always told me if I ever ended up in jail to never call her. His son is now an adult and it's time he start taking responsibility for his actions and any consequences that arise from said actions. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way. That doesn't mean you don't care about your kids.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 13 and it wasn't long at all before mom was seeing someone else. I was very angry and didn't like it at all. But as it turned out, my stepdad was a better dad to me than my real dad was. Unfortunately mom and my stepdad divorced after 20 something years. I can't say I'm close with my real dad. I talked to him more last year than I ever have due to taking care of his mother and then her passing. | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 7:26:25 AM |
I think the biggest point with this OP is that you face going home each day with dread. You really need to address this with your husband before it festers and destroys your marriage.
I agree. Some kids may never grow out of certain behaviours and live their adult life accordingly. My gut feeling is that this son is making money to support his habit - trafficing drugs?
Leave it up to husband once you tell him you dread coming home. See if he wants to preserve the marriage, or not. | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 7:30:49 AM | | Wow, what a doozey! Sit down and have the talk with your husband. He either puts his foot down with the 21 year old child, or he will risk losing you! I've been there and walked. If someone refuses to be a parent, that's not your problem but the fall out can be! | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 8:19:37 AM | The military is not the way to go on this one. I was involved with an army recruiter for many years and now that there is an influx of recruits they are putting the kibosh on people with criminal histories and jail time. So I doubt the military (any branch) will take him. Also, if he's still doing drugs and can't pass a drug test you can forget it too. So please do not take this option into consideration. Best thing for you to do is talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel and explain how this is affecting your marriage and they way you are feeling about him. If he REALLY loves you he will take this into consideration very seriously. If not, then maybe you guys were just not meant to be. Anyone who takes their ADULT child's side in this is 1) doing a disservice to you, 2) doing a disservice to his child and 3) taking irresponsible, destructive behavior and trying to justify it.
That is what is wrong with this country now. Too many spoiled little brats growing up thinking that they can do whatever they want and have no consequences for it. They think that the world owes them and that they can't do any wrong and their you-know-what don't stink. It's not being mean, it's not "throwing them away", it's not "kicking them to the curb" it's called ACCOUNTABILITY. I believe that your husband might have treated this son this way because 1) he felt bad for whatever reason, be it for the break-up of the marriage to the mother or 2) for being away from the kids for long periods of time, which happens a lot in military families. I.E. GUILT. That's why he is letting his ADULT child run his life. Time to cut the cord. Please look up "Tough Love". It's on the internet and gives you valuable resources to help you. If you can't get your husband to go with the program then I would suggest you go find a "tough love" support group somewhere and join.
And lastly, if you are feeling this way now so early in the marriage that's not a good sign. Plus you are making a huge commute both ways for your job. I don't know what your situation is but I find it a little unnerving that your husband could not compromise and maybe move somewhere to where you didn't have to drive so far all the time. That is another factor for you feeling the way you do. I bet you feel a little annoyed by that. Even though you never said that in your post. Final thought, I would suggest you think long and hard about if you really want to put the effort and emotional input to stay with this guy if he will not cut the cord and let his son stand on his own. You can be supportive, you can be there for him, you can do as much as you can but YOU are his WIFE. The son needs to stand on his own. If it comes down to it you need to decide if you are going to be able to walk away if he decides if coddling his ADULT son is more important than losing his new wife. I wish you luck. | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 8:36:00 AM | If you REALLY love your kids, you don't coddle them and bail them out of every jam they get themselves into and then tell them they always have a safe place to come home to. That might be fine for one screw-up that scares them straight, but when they are repeat offenders, screw THAT.
If you REALLY love your kids, you teach them that the negative behavior described is just unacceptable if they're going to be living under your roof. What Daddy needs to do is start treating the kid like a recruit, lay down some laws such as, he has one month to find a job and start paying some contribution to the household as well as his own expenses, like the cell phone. If schooling is in the agenda, then you can work out what percentage of the tuition Daddy will pay, and then Junior has to maintain at least a C average, stay in school and graduate. He keeps his nose clean, stays out of trouble with the law, contributes to the household by doing some chores when asked, basically just starts living like a decent human being.
If, after one month, he's still free-loading, pack his bags and tell him you love him, but since he has chosen to lead the lifestyle he's living, then he will have to find another place to live. Cut off his phone, take his car and whatever else Daddy is paying for, don't bail him out of jail next time he ends up there, and let him go find out what the real world is like.
Tough love. It hurts, but it usually works. | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 8:56:57 AM | Men don't quit. Tossing an unruly child on the street sure seems like quitting talk.... with just a little bit of knowledge and oh maybe even some light reading it is easy to see that way NEVER works.
21 is NOT a child, so enough of the horse shiat. This "kid" is phucked, and I do mean phucked, and "Daddy" is enabling him. Children "know" by the time they are 8 to 10 years old the basics, and this "kid" doesn't have em and will NEVER get em from "Daddy" now.Basic education, no "light reading" required.
It's time for the "kid" to get his bum kicked, out into the "reality" of it all. He will either sink or swim,and no "Daddy helping" will "help". Again,basic education.
Now, on topic,I'm sorry OP,but you are stuck between a rock and hard place. The time to have a sit down talk with your hubby,was,well, wayyyyyyyyyy before you got married. But,because you never had children, you would never have known this kinda of stuff would come up. I'm having a tough time thinking your hubby is very good at being a "leader" type personality if he is letting his son's actions slide. This whole scenario will get a lot worse before it gets better. Good luck.
Edit: Frig, I should add, just because "Daddy" is an leadership role in the military, does NOT make him a good parent. Leaders in the military "order" people around, and they do it,cause,well, they are in the military. The "kid" probably expects "Daddy" to tell him what to do,how to do it, and when to do it. Not good parenting skills. | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 10:25:37 AM | Tough Love is a failure. Now that there is lots of follow up data from when those types of treatments started it proves it is a failure... and the ones on this thread spouting that tough love works because they themselves went through it are one of the best sources of proof it does not work because it damages a persons ability to have successful relationships due to the PTSD associated with it. Yep, thats why you keep screwing up your relationships during the relationship forming stages, for those that are still single in the middle of their life with one failure after another under their belts.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/28/AR2006012800062.html
Moreover, the very notion of making kids who are already suffering go through more suffering is psychologically backwards. And there is little data to support these institutions' claims of success.
Sorry but yall that think that is the crap that works to make someone become a successful person in life are the f uckups.
Just because someone tossing you out, or you hearing of it working with someone else does not mean it is the best way to do it because those are the rare cases..... the ones that work are not the normal.... the normal is a further downward spiral with irreversible life damaging outcomes as the result.
I am actually shocked but i agree with gwen on something..... get counseling so that counselor can explain this stuff to you.
Everyone in this country is entitled to raise their children however they wish. But it does not mean everyone else has to respect the way you do it if in the future the result means you will be dumping your kids onto an already stressed system.
Personally, my opinion is anyone promoting that crap thinking it is coddling to simply parent a child is a near worthless human being who i would love to rip your life apart to show you every mistake, every failure, every broken law, bad decision you have ever made. I bet it would take forever to finish showing you all of them..... What that means is you have judgement issues. The last thing you should be doing is telling a bunch of strangers to screw up their kids lives as well to perpetuate a society of ****ups that started off with the baby boomer generation which are the biggest selfish generation of all time. This is sad but the baby boomers help people the least out of ANY generation... I just happen to notice the ages of most of the ones spouting off that crap.... geesh 50's and 60's and yall still have not grown up..... | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 10:48:02 AM |
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/28/AR2006012800062.html
Did you read the article, it was about "tough love" institutions, which we all know were a bunch of abusive sadists put in charge of helpless children. Of course it didn't work and not one of us is advocating that any send their child to those programs. (which by the way you can't force a 21-year-old to go to anyway.) HE IS AN ADULT, and as such must learn to take responsibility for his own actions just as all the rest of do.
thinking it is coddling to simply parent a child is a near worthless human being who i would love to rip your life apart to show you every mistake, every failure, every broken law, bad decision you have ever made.
Wow, so now I am worthless because I don't believe what you do. Nice to know, I will be sure to let my happy, healthy, non-addicted, productive adult children who made their share of mistakes as teenagers and suffered the consequences of the their behaviour, know that I am a worthless human being who probably ruined their lives.
Yes I have made mistakes in my life, have my share of bad decisions under my belt, certainly don't need you to show them to me, I can find them all by myself thank you very. The world would be a boring place if we were all as perfect as you seem to be. But they are my decisions and I paid the consequences for them not anyone else.
Yep, thats why you keep screwing up your relationships during the relationship forming stages, for those that are still single in the middle of their life with one failure after another under their belts.
And you are so much better at relationships than rest of us? Sorry, I don't think so, you are on a dating website looking for a relationship just like the rest of us looks like you screw up as much as we do.
I just happen to notice the ages of most of the ones spouting off that crap.... geesh 50's and 60's and yall still have not grown up.....
We are also the ones who have successfully raised our children to adulthood, I think we might just know what we are talking about. So if we don't agree with you we are worthless, failures who need to grow up? Think the person doing the name calling might need to grow up just a little as well. | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 10:50:34 AM | It's interesting... a lot of the strong reaction to the OP is because you have not ever had kids and missed most of your stepkids' lives; and so you have no say.
And yet I hear it all the time where it is the two biological parents (who are divorced) who MASSIVELY disagree on what's the best course to take on extremely self destructive behavior from children.
That ends marriges a lOT (not just stepkids; but two people's own kids)
When someone gets to the point where they are out of control and choosing self dstructive only? (and I have come across this a LOT over the years since I have so many people share their stiuations), at some point? The most loving thing to do is, while being there emotionally; stop enabling it financially. Letting the child finally pay for their own choices. It is one thing throwing htem out; but if they are living at home rent free, no payment for phone service, how are they learning how to be a functional adult where they should eventually be able to not onlyt ake care of themselves; but hopefully ultimately share taking care of their own offspring?
Letting them grow up; letting them pay for their choices and take responsibility for their actions is not the sign of a person that "stops parenting". Because sometimes the hardest thing to do when we are watching our children grow up? Is not step in when we see them heading for the lights of an oncoming train. We can say what we're going to say and do what we're going to do.
And then, we quit paying for htem to go there; let them know exactly where we are, that we will still love them, still be there for them, but that their going out there and putting the hand on the stove? How will they learn to not do it if they don't feel the heat of their own choices?
How will they grow up if they don't have to pay for their own belongings, rent or phone service?
But in your case, being as how it is not your biological child, you are worse off than a co parent of another young adult who is spiraling out of control and the one protects and enables, whereas the other wants to not make it easier for the self destructive behavior and sense of entitlement to keep it going.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It is not your child. And you CARE about the child, but you more care for the parent.
Maybe one last time say you appreciate what an amazing dad he is, you appreciate most of his amazing kids but you fear his one is MORE likely to stay on his course because of actions that, though the intent is to show love; are actually enabling and keeping them dependent and entitled, and you fear their eventually learning the hard way when they can't be bailed out, and you are hurting seeing them hurting; and their child being allowed to keep hurting themselves and being rewarded for it AND despising the parent who is trying to show love.
You are not criticizing since you have not been in their position; you are not saying you would have done better; but if you start to get resentful and disrespectful; then it WILL be that. Then I'd do the advise of the above poster and get a small place close to your work where you aren't constantly reminded of a situation that seems like a ticking timebomb to you, since like I have seen SO many times before; once the anger sets in; the other problems start and it's only a matter of time where the differences on the raising of the child (whether step or biological) sever the relationship altogether. Defensiveness creates an "us versus them" mentality which will have them not able to hear you. If it gets to that point; you choose whether you suck it up shut your mouth and watch the kid crash and burn, or you bail for someone else who either doesn't have kids at all, or have jail bound adult children they are protecting at the expense of the young adult themselves.
best of luck | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 11:41:31 AM | | Wow @Dreamer in SC...angry much? Wow! Just wow! So according to you, it's much better to not have any rules or regulations for children because (horror!) it diminishes a child's self-esteem. Oh how horrible!!! I just have on question for you...what is the role of a parent? Please answer that question for me. Thanks! | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 12:07:30 PM | Moreover, the very notion of making kids who are already suffering go through more suffering is psychologically backwards. And there is little data to support these institutions' claims of success.
Okay sparky,I'll bite, just cause it's Sunday and I have a headache. You do remember this "child's" age????? 21. Again, I don't define this as a child. He can fight in a war. He can drive a car. He can drink,legally. He isn't even going to a school. He's on the verge of supposedly becoming an adult, not entering high school.
"Tough love", the tactic you seem to despise and hate, involves MORE than throwing someone out on their bum.(bad childhood experince I'm guessing?????) Of course, if you only "think" that's what "tough love" is, than it WILL be a failure. But, it involves a little more. It involves teaching our young(at a young age,not 21) that ACCOUNTABILITY is and will be EXPECTED!!!!! Again, I will REPEAT for you,since ya didn't pick up the first time. You, as a parent,better make sure you have installed the qualities and values before 8-10 years of age, cause,after that,you're gonna have a tough time breaking the mould.
I don't know why this young MAN is as phucked up in his thinking as he is. The other 3 offspring of this new husband of the OP seem to be doing well/okay???? I could guess a couple of reasons, but, I'm not privy to his upbringing or experinces. But, I do know, he's STILL TWENTY-ONE!!!!!!!
I honestly don't know where you're coming from with this hate on for "tough love" but, again, I'm sure we could look back at your own upbringing and maybe, just maybe, you're parents(parent) preached a form of "tough love" that truely wasn't. Again, just a guess. As a bleeding heart, you can look around and see what your "tactics" are giving us. I'll stick with my tactics and beliefs,and look at my daughter(same age as the "kid" we are talking about here), and what she is doing for the society of which she lives, and stand proud.She'd explain it to ya how it DOES work, but, she would quickly understand she would be wasting her time. She laughs at the bleeding hearts too.
Now, I'll go sit in my corner for my "timeout". | |
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Posted: 6/10/2012 12:14:30 PM | Wow, Dreamer.
I am talking about parents who demonize, scrutinize, even spy on (monitoring the gps on the cell phone?!?!) their ADULT child while they simultaneously keep them sucking at their teet. Who’s using who?
The parent is manipulating, using the child, hoping to control another adult, often angrily. Ever notice how angry and outraged controllers are?
Anyone who believes that their adult child NEEDS them overestimates himself. So there is problem #1. Usually controllers and codependents are the ones who NEED, cuz left alone, they have to see themselves. That “unruly child” is a handy preoccupation. Can't view the "child" as an adult? Problem #2.
Respect and love your adult child by taking your emotional and financial hooks out of them. | |
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| PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:20:18 PM | As a Man,I feel your husband should kick his ass out.He doesnt respect the rules,hes disrespectful an obnoxios.....he wants to be an adult show him how to be.or start charging him rent to live there,Im sure he will get his act together then.Dont coddle him,coddelling him had gotten him where he is today,if your husband loves him as much as he says he does,ship his ass off to jobcore,or dont call and text him,let him stay out all night and eventually his attitude will lan him against the wrong person and he will get the ass kicking he nees to humble him.hes a 21 year old man.....if its not done now he will be a 40 year old man living there still or living off of some poor woman.
I've wittnessed this from divorced fathers who without sole custody manage to coddle their kids instead of parenting them out of guilt feeling for not being there for the kids except on weekends. Whenever the divorce started is when the coddling started and the dads have not developed a proper parenting attitude or skills. Yuk! | |
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| PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:38:57 PM | Dreamers posts on this topic where quite inspiring and insightful i thought.
I would also like to add, as the word respect came up so many times in the answers was something that somehow rubbed me the wrong way. The behavior seams to gets perceived by the OP as disrepectful from the 21 year old.
This doesnt mean that this is the intention of him.
Also there certain patterns of growing up phases, up to developing becoming an adult. One of them usually in the teen years to be found, is the rebel phase. This phase is very important to the growing up person, cause they are trying to differentiate themselves to their parents (cutting the cord). This is important for any other progresses that will follow. So maybe if you see this as a passing neccessary phase to growing up it will help you seeing it more relaxed.
I have seen it many times, where kids didnt go through the cut the cord phase and as scary as it is the outcome isnt good. I have myself been a very unruly teenager and young adult and am a responsible person nowadays. The ones who werent are somehow still stuck in a point in life, where they dont wanna be responsible adults. They still act like their mums kids. | |
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| PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 1:00:32 PM |
Wow @Dreamer in SC...angry much?
NAW...LOL.... i just get sick and tired of people from the biggest freeloader generation in history constantly demonizing the younger generation with their bullcrap about how they did things back in their day..... today's economic situation isn't anything like it was back then.
the 21 years olds are competing for the same jobs as the many out of work older generations are these days.
Besides.... most people read the thread title and ignored the OP's question... She NEVER asked what to do with the child...
Thus why i kept saying she was a smart lady.... She never did.... She was smart enough to know it was not up to her to solve the issue with the son.... She asked what SHE should do in the situation and not anything she typed made it seem like she was searching for solutions to the problems...
Besides...
Someone has to stand up for these kids when there are ignorant people that would toss someone out to sink or swim in the hardest job market since the depression.
maybe back in their day they would see help wanted signs in every window but these days you have hoards of workers competing for a single job....
soon you will be required to have a doctorate degree just to flip burgers at a fast food joint for 8 bucks an hour....
We as a society are building an unsustainable path of starting the next years adults out with the mentality that they stay in school and rack up out of control higher education costs which start them out in a hole that most never escape.
The people tossing them out to sink or swim when they themselves wouldn't be able to do it are the problem. Try it... quit your job and see how fast someone will take your place and then start over with nothing.... most people can't do it because when you look at where they came from, they never even did it themselves to begin with....
So is this straying way off topic?.. yup.... but damn..... someone has to say something.... why don't you people go volunteer at a soup kitchen, or homeless shelter sometime and take a look at all the kids whose parents still didn't learn anything from their own young and rebellious years.
I do volunteer.... and i am sick of seeing 18-21 year old KIDS here when their parents are perfectly capable of taking care of them.
They clearly didn't finish parenting them and now it is people like me who are finishing the job that parents SHOULD have done. Do you have any idea how many kids in that age group could not even write up a budget? Can't even do meal planning?
Yes i am angry because now its someone elses job to teach then those things and someone elses job to feed them while they learn them and someone elses job to house them while they learn them and someone elses job to keep them safe while they learn them.... its rediculas and it is happening all over this country because the older parent generation that had everything handed to them are not smart enough to do a little research to make sure their choices are the correct ones to make.
less and less private donations to help shelters and food banks with the only ones stepping up to the plate being the corporations to help out or MAYBE some churches depending on what denomination the person may be......
So yes... when i see a father STILL parenting his troubled child and not dumping his child onto an already overburdened system then i will do or say what i can to compliment that persons choice because it IS the correct choice. If you think otherwise..... get you ass off the couch and head into the streets in the middle of the night..... most of those people are wandering around not because they just like getting into trouble in the middle of the night.... its cause they have nowhere else to go and the only safe place to sleep is in public during the daytime.
Is that the life you want for your child?... is that the life you want for anyones child?
Are you willing to give up YOUR job so that the younger generations can have a job to work at?
Just my opinions..... | |
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| PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/10/2012 1:00:41 PM | but at 21 the emotional 16 year old shouldnt get financed by the parents as in pocket money or bills anymore i have to add.
So maybe make a good face to the at last rebelling young teen (at 21 at least) and also advice him about some household responsibilties and jobs or finishing shool. If he doesnt wanna finish shool or take a job it would be fair if he can do more household stuff to contribute. This will be a tough one as more opportunity to rebel ;-)
Try and see it with humor as it will pass no matter what you do | |
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