| | Too emotionally damaged to trust men?Page 3 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | My ex ended things over text message with me after 2 or 3 months because she was too emotionally damaged to trust men and couldn't explain anything to me. I still miss her 4 or 5 months later and she has been giving me mixed signals since or just avoids me when I do try to talk to her on facebook chat. She always told me how much better I was than other guys she had been with and once said it was the first time she never had any doubts, which is a heavy thing to say. Her friends told me she had talked about me months before I asked her out as well...
It sucks that ***holes hurt women so the good guys get screwed over but that is the way it goes. Sometimes it just takes a long time to heal enough to begin to trust men again, even if it is more than a year. Took a friend of mine 2 years before she could trust someone again and now she is happy in a relationship. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 2:57:28 PM | ^^^ I agree with Sarah
Also want to say this to YOU even though I feel it is OFF TOPIC. Pretty girls are often player magnets. A lot of guys probably have you on thier top rung of their ladder. So, it is a lot of work to have to sort through so much garbage to get to one half-way decent nice guy. My guess is that you are smart enough that you don't even deal with the "average" player. And, I am going to guess that your radar is pretty good. However, there are some guys who are just so good at the game that they sneak in looking like they are great relationship material - but they aren't. Of course, you don't have to worry about this. Just keep your eyes open. Pay attention to mixed-signals and inconsistencies of good character. Mark it on your calendar. No, need to get too upset or make a big deal of it. Just keep on enjoying each others company and having fun with each other. He may really be a genuine nice guy and you may be going through the normal relationship adjustment period. It's like the wheat and the weeds - sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between the two. Give it 6 to 9 months and you'll get a better picture of who you are dealing with. The other thing is give yourself credit for ending these bad relationships and walking away. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 2:57:51 PM | | The hard part was knowing that I could never hurt her and not being given a chance to prove it and knowing how happy she had been with me before she got overwhelmed with worries. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 3:50:22 PM | igor... you make it sound like the defective schema always underpins the mistrust and fear of abandonment schemas.. that's not actually the case. and your advice targets the fear of abandonment and not the defectiveness anyway?
ici... you say you can't help it. you can. accepting that you can help it has to be the first step to helping it!
taking the post on it's face value... mistrust... generalising your experiencing and thoughts about those negative relationships you've had onto new partners. all men are the same? you probably don't believe that deep down, but you have to take an active role in gathering evidence against the idea that this man isn't to be trusted. there are two main ways to do this..... 1) weigh up the evidence that he presents... what's he done that suggests he's not trustworthy? what's he done to suggest he is trustworthy? 2) think of men you've met/known who have done something that tells you you're trustworthy.
and get yourself some longer term support through this. the old self-fulfillling prophesy thing does come into play when you have entrenched thinking styles and the problem tends to get worse without some intervention. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 3:56:58 PM | Hinting about you moving in after two months is way too soon to even consider it. If I were you, I'd run!
Take some time to get to know yourself. Having a man in your life is not the end all to beat all. Being happy with yourself should be your biggest priority.
Just remember.......like attracts like. If you are insecure and needy, the guy you are dating probably is too.
Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
Perfect ^ ^ ^
Don't let him rush you, if you are taking things slow it's the right thing to do. You DO need to find out if he's too needy or if you are, give yourself the time to make sure. Why is there a rush? Trust yourself and never mind thinking you are too damaged to trust, that's just silly. Trust is earned, you don't know him well enough to trust him.
And talk to somebody for support and advise and workable solutions. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 4:45:45 PM | A few things come quickly to mind.
First of all two months is too early to tell. The dynamics of a relationship are not set yet. Second, the way you sound like, it's a self fulfilling prophesy that this is going to go south. Why, because you are so protective, you are so expecting for the shoe to drop, that it will drop.
It has been my experience that a lot of women that have been in abusive relationships, end abusive relationships again. So there are two sides to this. In the one case where they find a nice guy, they eventually either get bored with the poor guy, or run all over the place with the poor dude. So again, only time will tell, you may have been able to find a good guy, but he also has to be assertive for this thing to work. Eventually you are going to have to open up about your feelings and sense of trust. When a man senses that the woman does not trust, his natural reaction is not to trust as well and keep one shoe outside the relationship, in case it goes south. But when a man feels that the woman is there with him, then he jumps with all his heart into it.
What that means that as long as you do not trust, your relationship will never move to the next level. I am not saying to let your guard down yet, but to start to ease up and give each other room to grow emotionally and trust again. But that takes time, anywhere from six months to a year.
So enjoy and open your mind. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 5:16:22 PM | I don't trust that any man is trustworthy or going to stay. I can't help it but the things these men said & did really tore apart my self esteem. I have already told my boyfriend that I dont trust men and I make jokes about him not being around much longer because he'll get sick of me, and he said well I'm not going anywhere & I'm too old to change. However I daily torment myself that I'm going to lose him and anything I'm putiing into this, giving of my heart, is going to be taken away from me. I think to myself, well how much longer will he be around?
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It is better for you to have this conversation in a couple of years:
YOU: When we first got together I had many fears. I never discussed them with you, but I want to say that I no longer have them. You removed them from me and I am so happy to be with you.
HIM: What were your fears?
YOU: It doesn't matter, I don't have them anymore.
Than to have this one:
HIM: Honey, do I make you happy. Do you have any more fears that I can remove from you.
YOU: Well, now that I think about it, there is .......
I make jokes about him not being around much longer because he'll get sick of me
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That is a possibility. There are some men who will look at this as your hoops that they will have to jump through. They'll either be gone in a flash, or will tell you of their fears (hoops) that you'll have to jump through. Then you'll be asking if there are any more fears you can alleviate, and they'll have some more for you too.
I think to myself, well how much longer will he be around?
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Depends how nimble he is, and how high your hoops are. I'm more curious how nimble are you, and how high can you jump?
I can see him now saying to you: I have this fear that you'll get sick of me and you won't stick around too long. All my other relationships were like this. I daily torment myself that I'm going to lose you and anything I'm putting into this, giving of my heart, is going to be taken away from me. I think to myself, well how much longer will you be around?
And your response will be: well I'm not going anywhere & I'm too old to change. Would you then ask him to move in after just 2 months, and this is where your relationship is at? Or, would you disappoint him by saying that this wasn't working out very well? As much as he's been through you'd have to have a cold heart to be a further disappointment. Do the right thing and make him happy. Don't throw away the past 2 months. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 9:18:24 PM | You're probably reaching for a December wedding as fast as this relationship is going. I'm not gonna be able to make it. If you can push it back to June I might be able to be there, If invited. Will you be removing his nose ring before the nuptials, or after he says "I do."?
Trivia question: When you hear the comment "men are uncommitted", did you ever ask yourself who was popping the question "will you marry me"? I'm just assuming that if he is uncommitted, he ain't the one. Women walk men to the alter, and the OP is in full stride. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/13/2012 9:31:51 PM |
The hard part was knowing that I could never hurt her and not being given a chance to prove it and knowing how happy she had been with me before she got overwhelmed with worries.
this happens a lot with people who have trust issues... it is painful when things are wonderful and then they are over and it is all literally people taking what if scenarios a hundred miles an hour forward.
Anyone who is still healing and has trust issues; those who are involved with them have to know what htey are facing...
it can be incredibly difficult being on the receiving end of someone who is into mental fight or flight. Fear is an almost physical entity that can do a ton of damage...
Because what "we" know? Doesn't matter when what "they" fear are 60 foot tall monsters in their mind.. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 2:31:10 PM | Ask yourself this question: A year from now what which will be your biggest regret, going for it, failing, and living with the pain, or playing it safe and loosing by default living with the knowledge that you were unwilling to take a chance?
To paraphrase Patrick Henry, as for me give me love or give me . . . I am much older than you and my greatest regrets came when confronted with a chance for love I fail to "go all in." | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 2:36:28 PM | | I didn't read through all the posts... but I think if you just keep in your mind that not all guys are jerk faces and there are still good men out there you will be just fine! All good things come to those with patience and understanding! Good luck! | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 3:06:26 PM | Cici-
Maybe look at it like this. You don't have to trust someone all the way, right off the bat.
Look at it like you're going to be giving it out in small increments rather than feeling pressure to blindly trust fully from the start.
Be guarded but not paranoid. Maybe tell your guy it will take some time for you to feel totally comfortable.
Think of ideas that are reasonable that you could present that would help you to learn to trust him.
Ask him if it would be ok with him if you asked him questions when you might be feeling unsure.
I think asking a man for reassurance is reasonable.
If you find you have a need to check up on him, I think that should be a gauge of how comfortable you are.
There's alot of scum bags out there who have no idea of this issue. But if you've found one who does, he should be willing to answer reasonable questions and chat about expectations in the trust arena.
Voice your expectations - this is one of the areas where I think people don't communicate and negotiate well enough. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 3:27:20 PM | Trust is good, and important, but more important than trusting him
is
Trusting in yourself. That if it ends for whatever reason, you'll be OK.
And you will.
Look at you! All you've accomplished; overcome; survived already.
For you to trust blindly now would seem (to me) a lot like a woman from a small town who went shopping in the big city and had her purse snatched off her shoulder. Then next trip, went skipping right out again without precaution.
You can keep yourself protected, without worrying or thinking mistrustful thoughts.
The equivalent of tucking your purse under your arm
would be to put on the brakes now while you still can stop this runaway train.
Two months is too soon to be talking about moving in for anyone. If he's really real, he can wait.
I wouldn't say necessarily run the other way at talk of moving in, because talk is talk.
But if he starts to pressure you -- nothing good can come of giving in.
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 3:41:28 PM | why do you want a relationship then?? without being nasty nearly all men will at some point stray or fantasy or dip their toes in.. relationships are always great to begin but when honeymoon period lust bit dies you got friendship then boredom as women happy as with someone man not as no longer getting the fun.. sounds to me you have to work on yourself and own issues before entertain any relationship..you need to be happy being by self and not needing or relying on anyone else and love yourself.. and when you get to that point why do you need a man???
if you want to carry on with this relationship and believe something is there.. then should go for it but id advice some counciling or something because im worried that no matter what reassurance you get you still not trust and even get worse..never know may calm id advice not to get to stressed about it all and relax and enjoy each other and not get to heavy or expect to much and dive straight in takes ages to know someone and know if they are the one.. go slow..plenty of time | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 4:50:00 PM | | Each person is an individual. Yeah, I've been raked over the coals, too, but I don't judge the future by what others have done. Learn from it, grow from it, yes, but tar someone else with it who has not wronged me? No way. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:52:26 PM | You've been seeing each other for 2 months and he's hinting at moving in? That would be a big red flag.
As for you getting over past hurts - those who do not learn from their history are doomed to repeat it. If you know you've learned from your past relationships, you will feel confident that you won't make the same mistakes again.
Have you thought about seeing a counselor? | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 7:36:14 PM | I suggest you see a good, licensed counselor to help you heal. Ask your doctor to recommend a counselor. You may need to try a few different counselors before find someone you trust. Good luck, dear.
I understand your pain after growing up with a critical, alcoholic father. My first husband, a medical doctor, sexually and emotionally abused me. Counseling helped me tremendously. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/19/2012 10:13:44 PM | | damn...whoever said you looked good for 44 hit it right on the nail. wow. what's your secret? (talking to the OP here) | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/20/2012 12:10:46 AM | First off, I am sorry that you've had those terrible experiences. What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger ,
or some such sh*t.
Opie, I'm going to say something you don't want to hear. I'm going to tell you what it took me 6 long years
of playing the victim/being a victim/using it as an excuse finally taught me.
You're only a victim if you allow yourself to be. Wallowing in self-pity and grabbing the "victim" excuse
every time things get a little too hard, or real, or honest is a cop out and you're better than that. So stop
pulling the familiar cloak of fear and misery around you instead of dealing with what you're FEELING .
It's clear to me that you have not dealt with the repercussions of your previous relationships. You have no idea how they really affected you because you turn a blind eye, pull on the cloak, and slide into the next one. When it fails (and it is inevitable that it will unless YOU change) you once again wrap the victim cloak around yourself, never taking responsibility for how your actions contributed to the demise of yet another relationship .
Opie, the only damn thing you need to do is figure out the best way for you (therapy, a friend, on your own, whatever) to take ownership of your part in every single bad relationship/experience that's happened, DEAL with it (this will NOT happen overnight!), and figure out who the hell you are. Cause girl, you don't have a clue. You haven't really dealt with anything that's happened to you, you just pile the latest one onto your victim cloak and bear your burden.
I'm gonna yell a bit now: TAKE OFF THE DAMN CLOAK!
It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile but you will never regret it. The only one victimizing you is YOU .
I don't say this to hurt you. I say this because in many ways I am YOU. And I am pissed off that I spent so long
wallowing and carrying my cross of shame instead of waking the hell up and dealing with it. I'm not a f*cking victim
anymore, and I accept that I allowed myself to be treated that way. No matter what he did to me, it was my acceptance of the victim role that gave him all his power.
I hope you take what I've said seriously Opie. As great as this guy may be, it won't work. None will until you face yourself and move on. You know that's true. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 2:20:06 AM | | I can completely relate to be honest. I had some awful experiences with men and found it very hard to trust men and still do to be honest. I think there are very few and far between. This guy who although sounds lovely, obvioulsy wants to move fast. If you're having a couple of doubts, whether it is purely because of your past or not, then slow down to your pace. I wouldn't move in with someone unless I knew I trusted them. If you worry that you will destroy the relationship because of your fears, then that could cloud your vision on the truth. Try to put your fears behind you. You know yourself, you know the person that you are and you know at least that you're probably a good judge of character with your friends. Maybe you see the best in people that has made you vulnerable in the past, but if you take a step back and think of all his actions, his family and the person that you think he is seperate from anything to do with you together, you should be able to see if he is worthy of your trust. I have had similar experiences both from my past and on POF. No one will look after you apart from yourself. You got hurt badly in the past and the fear remains to protect you from going through it again, but that's the only reason and it certainly doesn't mean you will. My advice in a nut shell...keep it at you pace. Go slow and maintain your independence. Make sure you have a good work life, good friendships and son't spend all your time with him even though it's very easy to in the begining. This will help you see him for who his is because you will be seeing things from a stable and independent perspective. you will be able to see if he is a positive addition to your life or not. I'm talking from experience. Best of luck, it's so hard being a girl in this world sometimes xxx | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 2:51:24 AM |
Cici cannot have forced any men to become jaded and players, as men make their own choices about how to behave. That's not within Cici's control.
That's totally illogical and unreasonable to say that, not to mention, completely unhelpful.
So logically there are no victims in the world and the men didn't cause her to have these issues? (rape victims, people who have been physically assaulted, molested, been robbed etc...might have a difference of opinion) Also logically if Cici caused these issues all by herself it wasn't other men that did it to her so she should transfer her fear of relationship and trusts from men in her past...to herself (because she made her own choices-like men do). That's the villain in all this right? That's real logic if that's the thought process chosen.
People do help cause issues in others because what one does in a relationship affects the other. If a person decides to stick around in a bad situation it will make the issues worse. This also means that dealing with women with tons of issues causes the emotional infection to others if they stick around trying to be a good mate for any amount of significant time. It's a self defeating circular virus of life. The only way to prevent it is fix the issues before exposing anyone else to them.
Interesting to see the damage on this thread. Forums are great for picking out bunny boilers. :) Doesn't affect me of course, but a helpful side note for the active hunters.
It's been a few months, how's the relationship going Cici? | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 3:07:09 AM | CiCi what will also help is to learn how your brain works, what chemicals flow when you are calm and trusting and what agitates you and keeps you on a sense of alertness/fear.
.
You can control your brain and make the feel good ones flow.
You can stop that fight, flight, or freeze fearful reactions.
You can re wire you thinking.
You can trust again.
There are many tricks;
looking at pictures of baby's
hugging
classical music
yoga
good food,
quiet
nature.
There are things to avoid; cell phones, high speed video images, violent pictures, poor garbage food and toxic chemicals AND rehashing!
Please look into the science of your brain, it WILL help you more than wishful thinking, beating yourself up, remembering and talking about it or playing house.
I am also a survivor and this has helped me.
Going over it over and over or discussing it doesn't help much except maybe to understand you were a victim and know why you feel the way you do.
But to move on and trust again.... changing how we make our mind behaves is the most effective way.
Keep us posted please, we care. | |
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4x4fan
| | Joined: 4/29/2011
Msg: 74 | |
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 6:01:54 AM | Good, then do NOT ruin it. Don't!!!!! You hear me.....DON'T ruin it!!!!
We've all had past relationships. He has too. Relationships may end, and when they do they end because of something bad. If the "bad" didn't creep in then the relationship wouldn't end, right? No relationship end because things were going great. That wouldn't make sense.
Do NOT bother him with telling him all about your past failures, and past guys, and how horrible they treated you, and how much you endured...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, ....if anything, that will only hurt his confidence in dating you because he'll think that you are only with him to get over those bad relationships. He'll think he's your "band-aide" until you feel good enough to once again dump the good guy and go after the bad guy in an attempt to "fix" the bad guy and make up for daddy not showing you the attention and love you probably didn't have as a little girl.
Oh...and don't blame the "players" as you call them because you picked 'em cup cake!!!!
If you're that trouble by your past then you need to stop dating anyone and get professional help instead of going thru this merry-go-round of men only to have the cycle repeat itself. | |
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| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 12/15/2012 6:51:09 AM | | 2 months is hardly long enough to know someones intentions let alone to be sure of yours that he's special. I'm sure you felt the same of the last 3 that supposedly left you so emotionally scared & here you are contemplating it again. Learn from your mistakes. Too much too fast is probably why you have trust issues to begin with. Slow your roll & his. If more is meant to be it can wait 6 months to a year. You need fixing emotionally & a new beau isn't it. | |
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