| | Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curbPage 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | | Sure in ten seconds people know. Than again. Think back to your days in school. How many times would you take a test. And you knew the answer. Only to find come grading. That u ****ed up | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/18/2012 12:31:04 PM | I think it's different when you meet people at work or church or
through friends. There is already a common thread.
Meeting strangers is something else entirely.
I can tell within seconds upon meeting that I don't want to be with
someone. It takes me a little bit longer to figure out if I do. I'm
pretty comfortable with my first impression decisions.
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/18/2012 2:23:40 PM | There is much to say about intuition.
Too many of us have given too many chances in too many areas of life with too much stress/pain/fallout that follows. Therefore, although seemingly "rushed", the "been-there-done-that" way of making decisions has some merit.
Buyer beware applies. If you are going to limit time with someone (for whatever reason) we all know the consequence is you may miss out in some regard since you really don't know well enough.
Many profiles state "life is too short". Others elude to past relations that wasted their time thus they are on the hair trigger to never go down that road again.
Ex. Many are legitimately turned off during a meet-up/date upon which someone drinks several to many. This, or similar faux pax, tends to justify their deal breakers.
Overall, I don't believe you can fault someone for knowing what they cannot deal with.
Most pertinent, one can't control attraction...either it's there or it isn't. Waiting (how long ??) for the relation to "grow" can be risky as many posts have already stated especially since you already have no reason to "into" this person to begin with. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/18/2012 7:48:25 PM | | If a person is at least somewhat attractive to me and there aren't any obvious dealbreakers, I wouldn't quickly dismiss them. Sometimes there isn't instant fireworks on a first date / meeting because 2 people are still virtual strangers at that point or at least one person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. I think a connection can ( not always though ) gradually develop over time as 2 people get to know each other better and become more comfortable with each other. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/18/2012 7:49:54 PM | I agree. But I don't think it's as simple as that for many though... someone making an assessment, after speaking with them online/phone/etc, probably takes less than 10 minutes for many. I think that advice can work for some, but many are just superstitious and wired that way.
At the same time, you don't want to do the opposite and "give that person a chance" when you basically have no attraction for them. Sometimes it can happen pretty quick. But a good insight for everyone to remind themselves of, is not to go red-flag-hunting for the sake of peace of mind, because it'll just throw baking soda on anything to prevent chemistry (unless the person is a WOW, or good looking and everything falls into place by luck for positive superstition). | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/18/2012 8:00:13 PM | A few further comments, I think the OP's choice of phrase "toss them to the curb" is not at all accurate. I think it was used on PURPOSE to create sympathy for her slant in her post. We're to feel sorry for these poor people as if we were treating them like garbage. Actually, I see it as totally the opposite. With rare, RARE exception, attraction is rather instantaneous, at least physical attraction, because it's how our neurons (or whatever...I'm not a scientist..) are firing when we physically meet someone. They're either appealing or not. I know, for myself, I'd consider it a huge favor and be thankful if someone didn't carry on in the guise of "giving me a chance" (did I NEED one?) when/if they're not physically attracted. It's happened, I didn't feel like a bag of trash, being tossed to a curb, I felt and expressed thanks for their honesty. Then again, my self esteem is healthy so I'm not reduced to a slobbering pile when some Joe, John or Mike didn't find me attractive.
Obviously, it takes a lot more than physical attraction, because that tends to be temporal, to make or keep a relationship. In the romantic realm, physical attraction is IMO necessary to some degree. Who'd want to think someone was dating them who wasn't physically attracted? Now THAT would horrify me. You just can't get around the fact that in order for a romantic attraction to flourish, there has to be mutual physical attraction. That's what gets your attention, it's all the other "good stuff" that KEEPS your attention. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/19/2012 1:19:21 AM | I agree. I met the guy that I'm currently seeing about a year ago. We met on a pub night for an adventure group we're both members of. He was new so it was his first outing to meet the group. I thought he was attractive when I first saw him but on first conversation him, he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise so was a huge turnoff to me. Those weegies can chatter on for hours without taking a breath! He chattered and chattered without saying much so I moved on to talk to my friends in the group. I guess I tossed him to the curb initially.
We've slowly gotten to know each other at group events, he's a very nice guy & we have lots of common interests. He decided to start pursuing me a few months ago and it's all going really well. I wasn't sure at first if he was pursuing until he just grabbed me and kissed me one night, then it was pretty clear. He told me a few weeks ago that he was so attracted to upon first meeting that he was as nervous as a teenager. I told him I thought he was attractive but wouldn't shut up so killed my attraction at first. He's much more laid back now and we have an understanding now that when he goes into chatterbox mode I simply tell him to shut it so I can speak also. He's not so nervous around me anymore so I don't have to tell him to shut it that often :-) Our communication is open, honest, humorous & the attraction/chemistry enormous! What a nice change from so many messers that I met off of POF!
So yes, initial physical attraction is so so important but (at least for women) we need to be mentally stimulated/engaged. If you can't engage my brain, ya may as well go to the nearest bus stop. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/19/2012 1:35:17 AM | Wont ever do that again, waiting for someone to grow on me.
No chemistry, no coffee
Ok with my 6 pages of what is not acceptable i also didnt go far, chemistry up to now has won against my brain.
Grrrr am still feeling shell shocked, what to do about a bloke who ticks all the boxes on the "not acceptable" list,
but who makes you feel like a stupid teen?
I dont like it! | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:39:50 AM | I agree.. I try not to toss anyone to the curb.
I'd rather at least be friends, even if there isn't any attraction. Can't have too many friends ;)
On the other hand, I don't go for looks. Seriously. They will fade in time, and what one is left, with is what holds that person together. (meaning personality and how their mind works) I try to take things slow and learning about someone, it's actually a turn on with me. It let's me know the little things, such as what would make my partner happy or not, and what they like to do versus anything else. Taking things slow is not a bad idea, and if it's just a quick lay, it's not a relationship. Relationships aren't built in 2 seconds, and yes I agree too, there must be something to attract someone.. Try it on a positive effect. Pick one small thing you do like about a person, and then let it grow slowly. Just because they aren't one's perceived "perfect 10" doesn't mean diddly. Honestly, why agree to a meet, if you can not find something about them, either thru pix or conversational messaging, that can make you happy?
I met one man, and it was based on his smile. Trust me, he wasn't really my type, I do like my man to take care of himself, but with life's situations he is going thru, (stroke, and it's caused him a serious set back, on exercise) just being there and seeing his gorgeous smile come thru, when I can look across the room and see him, makes my day. I knew by talking with him, he loves to use his brain :) He maintains contact with me, and really what more could one want? I am glad I did not toss him. I think I would have missed out, if I had.
h&h, yeps, it's the one's that make you have those funny feelings at the end of the day and those feelings intensify right before seeing or talking to him again ^_^ mmm silly teenager? lmao.. Can I get a turn the clock back on the aging please? | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:52:53 AM | Safebet:
There is much to say about intuition. I totally agree.
It takes a while to learn how to trust it, but once I did.. it's rarely led me wrong. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/19/2012 12:13:46 PM | My personal experience is to give it at least 3 dates if there's any level of attraction.
First dates can be nerve wracking, and what you see is often NOT what you get.
Get to know them enough that they can be themselves, then make a judgement call. And remember that who someone is today, isn't always who they are 6 months or 6 years from now. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/19/2012 1:10:08 PM | I can see what the OP mean...we live in a ramped up, accelerated world and if you dont get instant gratification you're out. Online dating is perfect for that..you can vanish as fast as you showed up.
I also have had people "grow on me" as I got to know them, and sometimes the feelings can get quite strong when initially you don't "see it."
Nothing we can do tho, to change the dynamics of our speed oriented culture. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/19/2012 7:37:26 PM | I've been on the forums off and on. More off in POF the past several months.
I've posted similar things before and more in past threads. It's kind of nice to see another thread along these lines.
It's the internet. It will always take more time than in normal daily life interactions for those that rely on the net for meeting other people, or maybe just prefer it. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/20/2012 9:37:03 PM | Intuition/initial chemistry can be VERY over-rated.
If your relationship picks tend to work out well, then stick with intuition/initial chemistry.
However, if you're one of those people that seems to keep picking awful matches over and over, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TRUST YOUR INTUITION?
It amazes me that people who show repeated patterns of poor partner selection (always ends up dating players, or abusive partners, or emotionally unavailable partners) would even consider trusting their intuition/initial chemistry.
Trust your intuition/initial chemistry IF you've made good choices previously. If you haven't, JUST STOP. Question your intuition and start giving other people a chance.
You'll probably end up happier for it. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/21/2012 10:24:02 AM |
Intuition/initial chemistry can be VERY over-rated. I'm curious as to why you are lumping the two- intuition and chemistry- together? They are most definitely NOT the same thing. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/21/2012 12:28:40 PM |
I'm curious as to why you are lumping the two- intuition and chemistry- together? They are most definitely NOT the same thing.
Both were mentioned in the thread, so I was addressing both.
I've done a considerable amount of dating, both successful and unsuccessful (currently in a multi-year relationship). I've also had women who were purely friends many times over the course of my life. I have no issue relating to women.
When you watch your female friends go through the same cycles of poor relationships over and over, you realize that it's NOT always the guy.
Sometimes women are more attracted to certain types of guys than others. It's legitimate in terms of how they feel in that there's a rush of "chemistry", but when those personality types create destructive relationships then it should NOT be trusted. It's like women who date "bad boys" and are suddenly shocked when they turn out to be... Bad boys and they end up on the curb.
Similarly, women tend to rely heavily on intuition in terms of how they respond to dating situations. However, their intuition isn't correct as often as they think. Like one friend I had started dating a guy and she would call me up, telling me that something he said, didn't say, did or didn't do made her worry that something was wrong. She was worried he didn't like her, didn't care, that she had offended him, that she was too affectionate, not affectionate enough, that he wasn't committed to her, etc, etc. Something would happen or not happen and she would say that something felt wrong when in fact nothing had changed.
I told her to question her intuition, stick to what she actually knew, and stop trying to hyperanalyze every situation or interpret them solely through emotion.
They've been together for 4 years now, have moved in together and will most likely get engaged not too far in the future.
Intuition is just another name for subconscious analysis. We take in information and our gut says something is right or wrong, but as often as not it's based upon incomplete information and our previous experiences which MAY be correct, but can also be misleading.
Intuition has a place in decision making, but it can also lead us to terrible choices. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/22/2012 9:12:38 AM | This addresses Message #13's comment......"But at my age, no one looks..."
Ok, so I had to see what age you were talking about, and let me just say, "hush". | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:16:53 PM | | I agree. I don't think anyone is saying go out on a second date with someone who is unattractive, a jerk etc. But I would not reject someone after a first date just because there wasn't an instant "spark". I had first dates that were okay. But not great. The second and/or third dates were better. Sometimes I need to spend more time getting to know somebody before the spark occurs. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/24/2012 10:55:35 PM | | This guy and I decided to be friends, but the problem is I don't hear from him to even get to know him better. I believe he is not telling me the truth. I'm thinking about something negative soon as friends don't do this. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/25/2012 5:10:49 AM | | Domo, is right. In that 10 seconds, you thinking attraction not relationship. And frankly, if you are not attracted to someone it is not going to work. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/25/2012 9:00:17 AM | I also don't like the assumption that passing on someone you meet is somehow doing them a disservice or unfair... how so? If the tables were turned, I would NOT want someone to "give me a chance" if they're not attracted to me.
There have been times when I've known someone in real life through groups, work or friends of friends that has evolved into someone I became attracted to over time, but that is a completely different dynamic. There were no romantic expectations from the onset and certainly no "trying" involved. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/25/2012 1:40:03 PM | ^^^^^^^^
That's exactly right. In Real Life, we don't expect everyone we encounter in the routine course of things to be a potential match, and when they turn out to be one, it's after several encounters. On here, we judge almost everyone on their potential as a match from the start, so generally, if we're not interested the first go-round, there's no second go-round. | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/25/2012 3:17:05 PM | I've read through all these comments and I agree and disagree. :)
I think it's true that you can meet someone for the first time and very quickly know that you're NOT attracted to them or interested in pursuing a relationship with them, but it shouldn't be based on chemistry or butterflies. In my case, it's almost always been something they've done or said, like a racial slur, an inappropriate negative comment, or an attitude of low self-esteem.
But there have been guys that I wasn't so keen on the first time, but gave them a second chance, or a third, because I was on the fence. My longest relationship was like this. He was a friend and started pursuing me and even though I didn't feel it at first, he grew on me. We dated for many months and were quite happy for a time, but wanted different things for our future, so we split up.
Now was I wrong to give him a chance? Does the fact that we ended up splitting mean that it was never "meant to be"? I don't think so. It took us time to really get deeper into each other's personalities, to get past the superficial, the first-date facade, the chemistry, the sex, the small talk, and really understand whether we were compatible or not.
For a good article on the perils of chemistry, may I suggest Baggage Reclaim blog.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-stuck-on-chemistry/ | |
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| Don't be to quick to toss 'em to the curb
Posted: 6/25/2012 7:32:00 PM | I also don't like the assumption that passing on someone you meet is somehow doing them a disservice or unfair... how so? If the tables were turned, I would NOT want someone to "give me a chance" if they're not attracted to me.
I think most people would agree with this. However some people ( including myself ) are talking about giving someone another shot when there isn't instant fireworks AND there also aren't any obvious dealbreakers. As mentioned earlier sometimes there isn't instant fireworks on a first date / meeting because 2 people are still virtual strangers at that point or at least one person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. | |
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