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| | the vanishing manPage 3 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) |
If they were no longer interested just say so.
I really dont understand why you women seem to think you need an explanation. Its a couple dates, big deal, move on. This goes for all the guys here too. I cant count how many times I have went out with a woman once, called her with no response, and they vanish.
GET OVER IT.
What cracks me up is its always the same lame ass excuse.."well, he is probably married."....ok, well, if you want to use that one to make yourself feel better, go right ahead.
If this guy would have called you and said..."I dont think we had any chemistry" Then, you would be on here asking why after a date or two why he didnt feel any chemistry, and would think it is something else....like he is married.
They dont owe you anything, here is why they vanished....
1. They found someone better than you
2. They were already dating (not serious) some one better than you, and decided to take it to the next level
3. He just didnt like you enough to take you on a second date. | |
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Nayu84
| | Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 52 | |
| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/26/2012 8:49:53 AM | Happened to me recently too, was annoying but reading some of the replies here has put it in some perspective. I thought we had a chance of something special but she obviously disagreed. An explanation would have been nice but it doesn't change anything, does it?
Nope. Not the first woman to reject me and I'm guessing she won't be the last. Ah well, just need to forget about it. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/27/2012 7:56:56 PM | men always say stuff they don't mean. often, i am convinced that they will tell you that they love you, want to be with you just before they are getting ready to end things. i've had guy friends confess this stuff to me, and i even had one guy friend that dated a woman for several years, then dumped her, only to get married within a few months of their break up. the guy was NOT cheating on his gf, by the way, he just wanted to get married...just not her...which was how he put it. why did he want to get married? oh, because it was "time."
honestly, i am of the opinion that there are very few men that are capable of falling madly passionately in love with a woman. i think a vast majority of men regard us women as filler for some life-event slot..."time to get married"..."time to procreate"...
men vanish all the time, but if you happen to be dating one that thinks it's "time" for a relationship, well, then you were at the right place at the right time...with men, that is really what it is about...being at the right place at the right time... | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:09:18 PM | | Probably, he is married. He liked you very much and did not want to abuse, use you. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/27/2012 8:25:31 PM |
i only blame him for vanishing - i am not sure my slack morals still doesn't deserve an amount of common courtesy to say ..sorry, this isn't for me, . How easy is it to send that email? is all. judge me all you like , i know who i am and i don't deny it. i am always polite though..i would say good bye rather than just disappearing.
Cute sob story. You 'date' 'seperated' men then act shocked after the pump and dump as if you have no social intelligence. Good luck with your 'relationship' goals for 2012 toots! LMAO. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/28/2012 1:13:26 PM | runner 83
"Cute sob story. You 'date' 'seperated' men then act shocked after the pump and dump as if you have no social intelligence. Good luck with your 'relationship' goals for 2012 toots! LMAO."
ugh...do men really use terms like this? "pump adn dump"? do they really regard women as less than human, to be used, discarded, and forgotten like an old dish rag? honestly, this is so disgusting to me...almost as disgusting as men who pretend they are married, cheat on their wives, and are too cowardly to leave a very unhappy situation...ugh | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/28/2012 1:30:12 PM |
runner_83
Cute sob story. You 'date' 'seperated' men then act shocked after the pump and dump as if you have no social intelligence. Good luck with your 'relationship' goals for 2012 toots! LMAO.
Your preconceived ideas are showing through and you need to retake reading comprehension. Because if you had read what the OP wrote, not what you wanted to read, you would have found she did not have sex with the guy. She said she wanted to and was open to having sex with him, but they did not have sex. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:47:11 AM | i changed my mind..my kids mean too much to me (he was separated he said) ,
of course!!!!! He has to be!!!!
I mean...It couldnt be that he just LOST INTREST......nope,
it CANT be on her, its totally HIS fault no doubt about it.
Umm..you can freak out all you want,but the OP said he told her he was separated,meaing married
whether his wife knew he was 'separated" or not is the real question.And even if a guy isn't interested in a woman or vice versa,having the BALLS to tell them in person would be the decent thing to do,even if it is easier to just disappear!
Vanishing acts are for p*ssies. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 12:40:33 PM | "If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then hell no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person YOU can control in a relationship is YOU.
Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are, even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a human being, and he has flaws just like you.
Never let a man define who you are. Never compete for a man, if he really wanted only you then there would be no competition, nothing will make him blind to the fact that you're the one for him.
Never borrow someone else's man, another girl might just want to borrow yours and well, don't we all just know how that may turn out.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs. Some of them, a VERY VERY few will treat you good
A good Brother comes in all shapes sizes, Stop being picky and accept what God gives you because it may be what you NEED, maybe not what you WANT.
Romance is not always "game"
You should not be the one doing all the bending, compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships, there is nothing cute about baggage, deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You wont be doing any favours, you may end up losing a very great person.
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals that should complement eachother to perfection, not supplement.
Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Never settle for Mr.Right Now, except you're in it for game/quickie
Make him miss you sometimes, when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Doesnt mean you should go 'all the way' with the 'others' tho. Use your your brain, be tactical
Share this with other ladies, You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget" | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 1:24:20 PM | Maybe something happenned. Maybe he wasnt the person you thought he was, maybe he had problems.
For all you know, maybe he died on that train somewhere, and dumped in a river.
Sure, the odds arent set for it, but it IS a possibility.... | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 4:33:00 PM | | The disappearing act really isn't about whether the individual is married, or otherwise involved, nor whether it is male, or female, or whether you become intimate with them or not. It all boils down to a lack of integrity on the part of the individual disappearing. If a person can't be honest with you to let you know they don't care to continue the communication and takes the "cowards way out " or, alleged "easy way out" they just are not worth your time, effort or emotions. Unfortunately, it hurts. It leaves you wondering what you did or, said wrong. It is just plain wrong to do that. No wonder so many people are afraid to get truly involved. I know I am. Just had it happen to me. I know for a fact the guy is not married, not otherwise involved, we were not intimate, he said all the "right" things, he has no health issues, etc.....we knew each other from high school...he planned to move closer to me, blah, blah, blah...then poof disappeared. Not worth my time, nor efforts to even bother to attempt to communicate with him any further. After a couple of days without responding to my response to his last text message, he is gone, out of there. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 4:46:44 PM | It sucks plain and simple and yes its the cowards way out good wayof putting it ilovetodance.
I would rather be told straight up to piss off and losse all my contact info then this because it does leave you curious as to what the hell happened.
Just had a women do it to me i was/am into her and i thought she was into me. We went from texting and talking several times a day to nothing just like a light switch her last text was im sorry im just really busy you did nothing wrong and im not mad at you. This was not just a phone text thing we had gone out a few time and had been intimate. That was 3 days ago she has not replied to my last text in reply to her last one. Im giving her some space for now and will give it one more shot with a phone call after that im done and its her loss.
And thats really the key here it really is the other persons loss. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 6:57:58 PM | mingo88'
You were strictly friends??? Of course he didnt hang around and after a few lunches realised you were not going to be giving him the goods. Nothing weird about it. I hope at least you paid your share of the lunches. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 7:12:22 PM |
They dont owe you anything, here is why they vanished.
Could not disagree with you more.
men always say stuff they don't mean.
Also disagree with this. It's not just men who say stuff they don't mean... All people are guilty of it. Infact most of what larissan04 is saying is pure garbage. Men can't fall passionately in love? It's a rather skewed opinion if you ask me - clearly you've come across some rotten sh1t men.
It all boils down to a lack of integrity on the part of the individual disappearing. If a person can't be honest with you to let you know they don't care to continue the communication and takes the "cowards way out " or, alleged "easy way out" they just are not worth your time, effort or emotions. Unfortunately, it hurts.
ilovetodance1234 talks sense. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 7:24:21 PM |
newenglandguy28
Just had a women do it to me i was/am into her and i thought she was into me. We went from texting and talking several times a day to nothing just like a light switch her last text was im sorry im just really busy you did nothing wrong and im not mad at you. This was not just a phone text thing we had gone out a few time and had been intimate. That was 3 days ago she has not replied to my last text in reply to her last one. Im giving her some space for now and will give it one more shot with a phone call after that im done and its her loss.
Yeah go kick her to the curb, it's not like she didn't tell you she was really busy or something, wait a minute what did she tell you? If you're that fast to throw someone away, well in the end it'll be your loss. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/29/2012 11:43:13 PM |
the OP said he told her he was separated,meaing married
whether his wife knew he was 'separated" or not is the real question.
You can have a pity party for the OP all you want. She accepted ALL OF THIS. For goodness sake, she admitted out of her own words she wanted to sleep with him the first night. There is nothing wrong with it, could care less.
Look, do I think the guy is a douche?...of course he is. would have it made the OP feel any better to have this guy tell her that he wasnt intrested?
Please tell me how it would have made this situation any better?
Again, we have NO idea why he left. NONE. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/30/2012 8:27:23 AM |
Yeah go kick her to the curb, it's not like she didn't tell you she was really busy or something, wait a minute what did she tell you? If you're that fast to throw someone away, well in the end it'll be your loss.
More to it that was the cliff notes version didnt want to hyjack the OP's post. Like monday night asked her out for friday or saturday night she said she had to check but thought her niece was coming to town and would let me know then left me hanging all week. I finally said screw it and made other plans. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/30/2012 8:57:15 AM | If they just vanish, they can reappear when it suits 'em with whatever excuse they choose to feed you.
That's the cynical me. The realist in me says, most people just don't want to make the effort to do something that isn't important to THEM, and especially if it might be potentially unpleasant to them. Avoidant behavior is soooooooo common in our society, most people don't see it for what it really is--just avoiding something boring or even mildly unpleasant. Saying "good bye" to someone you barely know is just an effort on their behalf and it might turn unpleasant for me, so why bother?
Yeah, don't sweat it. He did not owe you any explanation, and wasn't the kind who is so conscientious (too conscientious) that he feels he must say farewell to every person he might currently be emailing/meeting.
Hmm, I'm thinking I might actually wonder about someone who felt he was so important that after one meet, he felt he owed me a "good bye."
So, damned if you do, damned if you don't! | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:32:54 PM | | Why did you tell him you wanted to sleep with him on the 1st day you met him? That makes you look easy & loose. Get to know each other & let things develop slowly. Let him work for it, be a bit of a challenge. If you sleep with him right away, you'll never be a g/f you'll be a fb or fwb. Or date one of these guys that think the 3rd date is for sex, but be prepared to be used & discarded afterward. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 7/1/2012 4:27:12 AM | | Are these men gay? Seriously, Some of the ladies on this thread that have been turned down from sex is astonishing to me. I see beautiful ladies that any straight man would sleep . Wow. Go figure. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 7/1/2012 7:53:59 AM | I am new to checking out these forums, but I see there is no lack of solicited and unsolicited advice here along with some very opinionated and stereotypical assumptions.
Here is what I think:
This is the type of behavior that comes with dating sites, period. It is an inherent problem with the whole concept. It is easy come easy go, and it has nothing to do with someone necessarily being married or anything like that. (BTW, why does everything come back to "he must be married"lol?)
The fact that men or women can and do talk to many people concurrently is the problem. It is the whole "something better around the corner" philosophy that breeds this attitude and makes life on dating sites a pain for all, but most are guilty of the same thing. Personally, I believe that when two people begin correspondence on POF and get along, they should take it offline and hide their profiles immediately. It doesn't mean or say that it is already a relationship and both parties are diving in too early, it is simply saying that the two parties are going to put forth the effort to see what happens with one another first, then if it doesn't work out, it is time to start again.
That would be in a perfect world of dating IMO, but it almost never works like that. Even if it did, the person either likes you or not. I realize it is antiquated thinking nowadays to have this opinion, but if more people stuck to it, I do believe dating would be much more pleasurable and more decent relationships would ensue from basic respect for one another. You would think that these sites only give people one go around or something, yet the people who abuse the serial dating thing the most are the ones who are addicted to online dating and this site in general - they will never find someone good enough for them lol.
I am willing to bet the guy the OP is discussing - BTW, there is nothing wrong with showing how you feel on a first date, it doesn't connotate slutty behavior IMO - either was 1) carrying on similarly with other women at the time and picked another, 2) saw how easy it was to meet people after first being separated and decided to step back and re-evaluate. 3) Felt really goofy he let his emotions get a hold of him to the point that he toyed with another person's emotions, 4) All of the above. 5) Had some sort of major personal stuff happen to him that was perhaps embarrassing, 6) There could be other reasons.
Who knows exactly why people do this. It is true there is nothing worse than telling someone you are no longer interested, especially after running emotional smack, but just disappearing is especially cruel and animalisitic behavior. At least have the balls to say it can't work out with a vague reason and leave it at that. You will inevitably get the follow up texts, messages or VMs that you can ignore, but at least it gives them some sort of closure. I remember when people used to whine about the text breakup, now you just get the people who disappear completely lol.
For me, the worst part is when a woman shows up and completely looks different from their profile or pics (you know, the ones who list average and only have head shots from 6 years ago?) - This is another can of worms, but even then I can't find it in myself to tell them I am not attracted, I have to find a way to tell them that will hurt them less. At times, I even portray myself as the jerk. It is what it is I guess. The longer you stay in this game, the more likely you are to become cold to the lack of respect and decency, and quite possibly, start exhibiting the same type of behavior yourself. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 7/1/2012 12:34:15 PM | abelian~
I don't think women are much better, but women have a different set of issues altogether. I can't claim that I understand women any better than I understand men, but I don't have to date women, nor do I find them very appealing. My biggest beef with men is that they will tell you they have feelings for you when they don't in order to "get some" - or "pump and dump" as one guy put it. Ugh! | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 7/1/2012 12:40:34 PM | hearton64~
"Umm..you can freak out all you want,but the OP said he told her he was separated,meaing married
whether his wife knew he was 'separated" or not is the real question.And even if a guy isn't interested in a woman or vice versa,having the BALLS to tell them in person would be the decent thing to do,even if it is easier to just disappear!"
Yeah, the wife probably wasn't aware of this separation, which was most likely all in his head. There are a lot of married men on here, and yes, they all say they are separated, and they all are just looking to get a cheap thrill on the side. The women that they lie to mean nothing to them, and they view women as "just trash." I think many of these men are very predatorial at best, and sociopaths at worst.
"Vanishing acts are for p*ssies."
If you go out on a date with someone once, then yeah, it's probably okay to just not call the person or text them back. Most people get the message that there is no interest, and they move on. But if you have been seeing the person, talking to them on the phone a lot, texting back and forth regularly, and have developed some sort of feelings for each other (of if the man has led the woman to believe that he has feelings for her), then a brush off in such a case is completely inappropriate. A person deserves an explanation. To slink away is cowardly, cruel, and down right mean. | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 7/1/2012 5:59:33 PM |
There are a lot of married men on here, and yes, they all say they are separated, and they all are just looking to get a cheap thrill on the side
This guy had a chance to do this...and didnt.
She KNEW he was separated, im not saying this guy deserves credit, BUT, she didnt care as SHE was the one who was WANTING the sex on the first date.
I just think she deserves just as much blame as he does.... | |
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| the vanishing man
Posted: 7/1/2012 7:44:10 PM | boringdude07~
"This guy had a chance to do this...and didnt."
i'll bet you anything he just didn't want to do it with her. i bet you he is still prowling for women.
"She KNEW he was separated, im not saying this guy deserves credit, BUT, she didnt care as SHE was the one who was WANTING the sex on the first date."
well, we all know that women who want sex on the first date (unlike men) are really just tramps that would have sex with anyone, right? (i am being sarcastic here).
"I just think she deserves just as much blame as he do"
I think he most likely told her a lot of things that he didn't mean. i bet she developed feelings for the guy then found out he was married after the fact. that is how the married guys suck a girl into a situation that she wouldn't normally get into. i am not saying this is always the case, but it does happen. i am also not saying that it makes it right, but i would say that it is wrong to play on a person's emotions in such a way. we are all human and make mistakes, but this guy knew what he was getting into, what he was doing, while she was most likely blindsided by the whole thing. | |
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