| | One Line Replies (from Men)Page 2 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) |
As a newbie what am I, if anything doing wrong to expect a reasonable online chat?
You're expecting reasonable online chat.
Some people, talk in person. To people like that, this messaging back and forth just isn't natural.
Some people can't carry a conversation.
Welcome to dating website. We're the social rejects of the world. If you want a quality conversation, give him your phone number, meet up, something, and talk in person | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:05:38 AM |
“If you're going to go the route of requiring men to write men to write you longer messages (either by request in your profile or using the automated way), then it would be REALLY nice if you respond when one sends you a high quality long message -- even if you're not attracted to him at all, you should at the very least acknowledge his effort.”
I very much agree that in theory you should acknowledge his effort, but if you are not interested (e.g. because the person is completely unmatched intellectually) how do you say that? Isn’t saying something to the effect of ‘thanks for the thoughtful reply but I’m still rejecting you’ still very hurtful?
““..but I learned a long time ago that sending lengthy messages is no more likely to get you a response than one or two sentence emails. Attraction is the single most important component of online dating and if it's not there, then there is no Pulitzer Prize-winning prose that is going to get you a date.”
I don’t agree. If you send a lengthy message to someone who you genuinely think you are suited to, I believe you have a reasonably high chance of getting a positive response. The problem is, I suspect a lot of men are sending messages to people who are COMPLETELY UNSUITED to them, which means that even if they write a lengthy response, it’s not going to be meaningful, because you don’t have anything in common. If you can’t refer to things you have in common, of course it’s going to be difficult to write a quality response. On the other hand, if you are well matched, writing a couple of paragraphs should not take more than 15 minutes.
I strongly believe that you are much more likely to be successful if you take the trouble to limit your initial emails to a few people (e.g. 2 people a week) who have a lot in common with you rather than sending 100s of copied and pasted one liners to everyone you are attracted to. That approach would be far less time consuming I would think.
Final comment: I think it’s ironic that many of the men who are resistant to writing meaningful messages to a woman they are supposedly interested in, have no problem writing lengthy posts in the forums. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:21:34 AM | So you're going to dismiss all short replies. Do y'all women really know how to sort out quality from quantity. A one liner can be trite but so can three paragraphs. If you deserve it and you're capable of recognizing the quality of response a man might write to you:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? ...
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
Oh but for most that's too short and he's not acknowledging all the negative qualifications you've advertised. And besides, he doesn't have a photo drinking liquor in the summertime on his yacht. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:21:39 AM | I don’t agree. If you send a lengthy message to someone who you genuinely think you are suited to, I believe you have a reasonably high chance of getting a positive response. The problem is, I suspect a lot of men are sending messages to people who are COMPLETELY UNSUITED to them, which means that even if they write a lengthy response, it’s not going to be meaningful, because you don’t have anything in common. If you can’t refer to things you have in common, of course it’s going to be difficult to write a quality response. On the other hand, if you are well matched, writing a couple of paragraphs should not take more than 15 minutes.
When I was on a different dating site, I only emailed women when I clearly matched all or most the requirements on their profile and we had some common interests. Some of my emails were 2 sentences and others were longer. My positive reply was about the same in both cases. If a woman doesn't like my photos, she may not even read my email. However when I added new photos, my positive reply rate often went up. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:23:47 AM |
I very much agree that in theory you should acknowledge his effort, but if you are not interested (e.g. because the person is completely unmatched intellectually) how do you say that?
Being honest usually works pretty good.
Let me help you fix your problem. Pretend me and you are standing face to face, in person, and I just asked you out. Now I want you to turn me down. Remember, in person, ignoring me is probably the meanest possible way to do it, so you have to say something. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:35:50 AM |
when I added new photos, my positive reply rate often went up.
As you pointed out there are obviously other factors/ potential red flags that influence whether you get a response. e.g. I would not respond to someone with no picture on their profile even if the initial email was fantastic and we were theoretically matched. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:45:10 AM | Chessie, I've wondered and asked myself that same question many times. Were all suppose to be here for somewhat the same reason and for most it has to do with communication with the opposite sex. If thats not why your here maybe they should go to the site that they qualify under.
I am like you I would like to chat and get to know a man a little bit before going on a date, but those one liner make it impossible. I've also discovered that some of those one liner men tend to want to talk dirty. I am thankful for the X button and the block.
Good luck fishing | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:46:20 PM | | Thanks so much for posting that information. They are just photo surfing for george clooney look a likes. nothing else matters. Their lack of common courtesy and bloated self images have made this whole online experience 1 big disappoint. Thank goodness i'm not paying for it. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:56:49 PM | While it's true that people don't extend conversations beyond the initial greetings, this shouldn't be cause for concern about your ability to inspire great communication. Some folks are under the impression that they don't have to exert the energy or work in keeping somebody with whom they're interested, leaving the responsibility in the hands of the other party. It may also indicate that a lack of interest, because to be frank, some people are seduced by the idea of choices they think they really have in this venue.
They could also be saying hello, as someone might greet you with a good morning at the grocery store, the library, or the coffee shop. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/1/2012 7:56:41 AM | "I very much agree that in theory you should acknowledge his effort, but if you are not interested (e.g. because the person is completely unmatched intellectually) how do you say that? Isn’t saying something to the effect of ‘thanks for the thoughtful reply but I’m still rejecting you’ still very hurtful?"
It might be, but he'll just have to grow up and get over it. I've gotten a number of "Thanks for the email but I don't think we'd be a good match" responses (mostly from other dating sites -- women almost never send any responses at all on POF) and I just shrugged and moved on to the next one. Now don't confuse this stance with a bunch of guys' stance on this site that EVERY woman they email owes them a response, positive or negative. I don't agree with that at all.
But if you're requesting that men make a substantial effort and put a lot of work into their emails to you, and one of them does what you asked while 99% of the others don't, then that's a very different set of circumstances. Completely different, in fact, from you NOT requesting thoughtful, intelligent, lengthy emails and a guy sending you one -- that guy deserves nothing from you, in my opinion. He just gambled and lost. And it's also different from the cases I've seen in which a woman puts in her profile, "You need to include this 'magic word' in your email to prove you read my profile or I will ignore it" -- the guy who fulfills that request deserves nothing either, because that doesn't require any real effort in and of itself.
"I don’t agree. If you send a lengthy message to someone who you genuinely think you are suited to, I believe you have a reasonably high chance of getting a positive response. The problem is, I suspect a lot of men are sending messages to people who are COMPLETELY UNSUITED to them, which means that even if they write a lengthy response, it’s not going to be meaningful, because you don’t have anything in common. If you can’t refer to things you have in common, of course it’s going to be difficult to write a quality response. On the other hand, if you are well matched, writing a couple of paragraphs should not take more than 15 minutes."
If you ask me, you answered yourself in that response. Seriously, is there an epidemic of men sending lengthy emails to women they have nothing in common with? I mean, that wasn't the jist of your original post in this thread! I'm an award-winning writer, but I can't write 5 paragraphs to a woman I have nothing in common with. Well, arguably, I could take one sentence in her profile and go off on a 5 paragraph tangent. But why the hell would I do that and who the hell would do that? If I'm going to spend a significant amount of time writing a 5 paragraph email to a woman, I don't think there's much question that I'd have much of substance to say. But I wouldn't even do that with my supposed "soulmate" in a first contact email, because, apparently, it freaks out most NORMAL women. I suspect you're not "normal" but that's beside the point.
Anyway, again, the point in doing that with someone who might not find me physically attractive is... what? So I can possibly gain a new friend? It's a dating site and if the woman selected the "dating" or "long term relationship" option then I assume she's here for dating and not friends, just like me (unless she says otherwise in her profile). And the chances are EXTREMELY high that any woman on this site won't find me attractive, since I am in the bottom 1% of men for physical attraction traits, so there is really no point in putting a substantial amount of effort into an email until I find out if a woman is physically attracted to me. It is impossible for me to guess who is going to find me physically attractive, since the very few women who I know have found me attractive were extremely diverse and had little in common with each other (other than all of them having mental issues). Now understand, this is a very different situation with me vs. most men, who by definition aren't in the bottom 1%. So maybe your theories are better suited for the "typical" man than me.
And on that same note:
"I strongly believe that you are much more likely to be successful if you take the trouble to limit your initial emails to a few people (e.g. 2 people a week) who have a lot in common with you rather than sending 100s of copied and pasted one liners to everyone you are attracted to. That approach would be far less time consuming I would think."
First of all, I've never sent "100s of copied and pasted one liners" -- even when I hit the 40 first contact emails a day limit, every one of those emails is individually crafted and geared toward the profile and usually several sentences long. But "2 people a week" -- this would only work if you (the sender) are of at least average attractiveness. Which, admittedly, most guys are by definition. But if you're in the bottom 1% and it's impossible for you to guess who is going to find you attractive, then your only option (especially on a site like POF with no preference listings) is to send out as many emails as possible to every woman you find attractive, including your so-called "perfect matches" (which probably necessitates stronger emails). Because there's a 99% chance you are not going to hit a person that finds you attractive either way, and at 2 emails a week, you'd hit someone that finds you attractive maybe once a year. But if you're sending out 100 emails a week, you will hit one around once a week. Simple math.
" think it’s ironic that many of the men who are resistant to writing meaningful messages to a woman they are supposedly interested in, have no problem writing lengthy posts in the forums."
I suppose that depends on what your definition of "meaningful" is. But no doubt, forum dwelling is a vast waste of time, and I wish I could quit it (don't you?). On a side note, do you really think I'm finding very many women on this site that are superior intellectuals? Once in a blue moon I'll stumble across a college professor or brain surgeon -- those are about the only cases of me writing someone that's probably out of my league intellectually. It's highly unlikely very many women are not responding to my emails because they think I'm dumber than they are. And on that note...
"I would not respond to someone with no picture on their profile even if the initial email was fantastic and we were theoretically matched."
So, you are saying attraction matters more than great writing? Really, what are we arguing about here then? | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/1/2012 8:25:03 AM | | It's not only men, women do it too. When I get a three word email, I reply in kind. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/1/2012 10:09:30 AM | As you pointed out there are obviously other factors/ potential red flags that influence whether you get a response. e.g. I would not respond to someone with no picture on their profile even if the initial email was fantastic and we were theoretically matched.
This is one key reason why many men don't write long messages. As stated before, if a man doesn't have a photo or a woman doesn't like his photos, she won't be interested. No matter how long his email is. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/1/2012 4:02:01 PM |
Seriously, is there an epidemic of men sending lengthy emails to women they have nothing in common with? I mean, that wasn't the jist of your original post in this thread! I'm an award-winning writer, but I can't write 5 paragraphs to a woman I have nothing in common with.
No, but a few men are able to write one meaningless paragraph which seems to meet my 300+ character requirement.
So, you are saying attraction matters more than great writing? Really, what are we arguing about here then?
Definitely not saying that. I (and I imagine most women) don't respond to men with no picture because it's an obvious red flag (nothing to do with attractiveness). I actually once got a great message from a man with no picture who appeared to be extremely suited to me. He even gave me a link to what was supposed to be his 'real' identity with his picture (he was a university professor - the link was to his profile on the university website) and gave me his phone number. However, I told him that the absence of a picture on his pof profile was a deal breaker for me....I feel that it indicates that the person may be in a relationship with someone else and don't want to be seen on a dating site. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/1/2012 6:03:07 PM | "So, you are saying attraction matters more than great writing? Really, what are we arguing about here then?"
"Definitely not saying that."
So, you're telling me you would consider a date (ROMANTIC date) with a man you find physically unattractive just because he sent you a brilliant "meaningful" email?
Because if that's the case, then you are the rarest of the the rare things on here, male or female (I've seen many women in the forums say they wouldn't consider dating a guy they find unattractive, no matter what he initially writes). More power to you. I dated women that visually repulsed me out of what seemed like neccessity when I was younger, and it was a bad idea in every possible way. I never want to do it again (but as I move into year 6 of datelessness, the itch is starting to get a little strong -- but with all my most recent dates [hwever long ago they were] being with women I actually found attractive, it's difficult to deny how much better that felt and how much better it was for my dates as well, so I try to keep that in the forefront rather than in the back of my mind and attempt to keep going forwards rather than backwards).
Unfortunately, most of us guys have to deal with the 99.9999% of women for whom physical attraction is important, and finding one of those who finds us attractive and that we also find attractive is a serious numbers/guessing game, and writing Nobel Prize-winning prose in every first contact simply isn't efficient. Sending one or two lengthy, meaningful, high quality first contact emails a week for you probably will work out -- though it's certainly more because you're a woman than anything else, and you have profound advantages on this site as a first contact initiator. So if you're sick of getting crappy first contact emails, I suggest you hide your profile and initiate all first contacts yourself. That strategy just simply does not work out for most men, especially the most unattractive ones.
(Admittedly, from looking at your profile, I don't know why most men with half-a-brain would have difficulty composing a strong first message to you because you give them a lot of good stuff to work with -- but that's one of the problems with POF: most men on here have half-a-brain. There are much better sites than this one for those looking for intellectual dialogue. I just can't afford to be on them all the time.) | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/1/2012 6:08:36 PM | I got an initial message from a woman last night that said "hello".
I replied "good evening".
I didn't get (or expect) a return message.
My recommendation to women is to "be what you expect".
Evidently, this woman expected me to unload an eclectic semi-paragraph, complete with a question at the end to prompt a response. One must wonder why she didn't put at least a COMPARABLE amount of effort into the initial message. My initial messages are ALWAYS complete thoughts in complete sentences with an introduction and an 'interest getter'.
I don't ask for much, but I do expect 10 cents on the dollar. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/1/2012 8:28:30 PM | | my messages are usually a paragraph, and usually pertains to something they wrote in their profile, just to show that I actually took the time to read it and not just gawk at the pictures, only to have it ignored, yeah pretty frustrating(annoying) | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/2/2012 10:18:59 AM | | Think nothing of it...on here I get bombarded with emails too...I might be interested in a lot of guys...but I can only hold down one conversation at a time....so I talk to who I am really intereseted in...and the others not on purpose...i sometimes dont have time to get back to them...so I stick with the one I like...see what happens if it doesn't work out ill go to the next one...thats alll you can do...so maybe they are talking with other woman ...its nothing personal too you...maybe once they date and see they are not that interested in her they will talk to you the next time....it's not like you were dating for awhile or talking for a long time and then he did that...then i would be thinking a whole other situation...I personally give the respect of one a t a time...I'm hoping to find "The One"The bottom line is...if someone is reallly interested in you...he will pursue you all the way...you wont have to do anything but respond.. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/3/2012 9:22:05 AM | | I've noticed that short answers usually mean they aren't that interested. The same would apply at your local bar, lounge or club. If a women isn't interested you might get a short response in an attempt to let you know they aren't interested without being rude. Thats how I've always read the situation. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/3/2012 9:28:31 AM | | I've sent out hundreds of well thought out emails and got no response. I don't have the time for it now. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/3/2012 9:53:30 AM | I try to answer most emails...most. If someone isn't a jerk...and even if they are and I'm feeling generous I answer them. Most don't make it past the third email because they have nothing else to say. I also answer a lot of emails because then they can't come here and say that NOBODY ever writes them back. I'm really helping out the whiners and the self pity of the crowd.
If someone is giving short answers, they probably aren't interested in you. If you are supposedly in a conversation, don't you some input to show the person is at least paying attention. If I have to pull out a conversation from someone, I'm not going to continue the conversation. Short answers doing give the responder anything to work with. | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/13/2012 6:07:40 AM | | Hi I am also a newbie all the messages I have had are about what I look like not about me if thats the way they want to be then fine block them ignore them look again but dont let them get you down keep fishing | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/13/2012 6:10:13 AM | | Not everyone wants rich ot poetic just some basic facts I just want honest answers to my questions when a man asks for my vital statistics why should i tell him if he wont answer me | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/13/2012 8:07:20 AM | Well how would you reply to an email that told you that I was kind and nurturing and educated.. Would that then tickle your fancy?
Well I"m a nurse, a Registered Nurse so yes I've done a degree and I work in an Emergency Dept. Does this make me more desirable?...
I don't think so it just means I have a brain and I have worked out how to use it... but it doesn't define who I really am. Everyone has something to share just let them shine for a minute... | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/13/2012 8:10:47 AM | happy to know u have so many women waiting for u to 'move on to' but I agree that there are many boring people out there... We are all on this site for one reason or the other...
It's either to 'find someone we're compatible with' or 'for sex' lets all be honest here and really say up front what we really want....
I believe it should be just that easy... Chris | |
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| One Line Replies (from Men)
Posted: 7/13/2012 8:34:06 AM | so I meet this guy through another friend. We go to his house (he is average looking) and there he is on his BIG screen looking at POF. I asked him if he had any luck and he pulled up his mail history...there were too many to count and he had just started for the night.
One liners is all he throws out til he hooks the ones he wants and reels them in.
That is about it...it's a fish pond...the more they get the better they feel about their catch that day. | |
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