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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 8:53:55 PM |
Go ahead and slap him across the face with his willingness to be open and honest. Use his honesty against him and then question a few months down the road why he isn't as open as he once was.
So she should disregard WHAT he told her, simply because he was ‘honest’ about it? That doesn’t make any sense. What if he was honest about having a lover, or an STD, or quitting his job…should she disregard those kinds of things because he was good enough to be honest about them so it’s all okay? What’s the point of being honest if it’s not supposed to matter what he’s said? 
It would be stupid and foolish to believe nothing is going to happen in situations where she is not allowed because his ex demands it, with his approval, knowing his ex wants him back. A woman doesn’t tell a man she wants him without following up on it. She doesn’t ‘want’ him to be a brother to her. To turn a blind eye to that is just stupid.
This man's relationship is none of her business
That’s insane. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:36:05 PM | It sounds like he might be a bit of an acceptance suck. I can understand being compassionate, but he seems unable to set healthy boundaries with her and this is what is bothering you.
You might try saying something like this: (with kindness)
"I know you are a compassionate guy and you feel sorry for your ex. I understand that. However, it does make me feel like you are honoring her wishes above mine. How do you suggest we solve this?"
His response will help you determine which way to go. If he stands by her side, you might want to re-think your relationship. You should be most important to him. Actions speak louder than words..he can tell you all day you are the most important. If he doesn't "show you" and you don't feel it, it's all empty words. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:28:04 PM | | My philosophy in regards to opposite sex friends and ex's is pretty simple. I defer to the comfort and wishes of my partner. He doesn't like the guy, then I won't be chatting with him much if at all. If he likes him I still keep some distance. A guy friend is not a girlfriend, we can't try on clothes together or other intimate stuff. And so far no boyfriend of mine has wanted to be on friendly terms with any of my ex's. Works for me. No drama and my man is happy and feels loved. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 10:56:54 PM |
I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for her. I couldn't care less and I wish she would get out of my life. I could deal with it better, if I could go with him. By the way, I am positive there is not any sex involved. He says that she really never wanted to have sex when they were married and he has no interest in her other than as a "brother" caring relationship. However, she would like to get back together, she has told him that and friends that they have in common which is a lot of people.
I think it's important to think realistically here. She's NOT in your life ~ OP. She's in your boyfriend's life. I'm pro-friends-with-ex's, so here's my thought: if you aren't allowed to meet her, to be where she is when he's where she is, something is amiss. I'm friends with all but two men from my past. There has never been a time when someone new in my life was left out if I had a reason to see a "former." If people truly are just friends? There is no reason for secrecy and/or exclusion. This guy's playing games. I would personally not tolerate his actions. I'd be packing and moving on to someone who treated me with respect rather than disregard. JMO  | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:03:26 AM |
So she should disregard WHAT he told her, simply because he was ‘honest’ about it? That doesn’t make any sense. What if he was honest about having a lover, or an STD, or quitting his job…should she disregard those kinds of things because he was good enough to be honest about them so it’s all okay? What’s the point of being honest if it’s not supposed to matter what he’s said?
Really, do you "think" you could have taken that to "just" a "little" bit more of an extreme ? Maybe throw in the death of a few kids in an old drunken driving accident ? Suspected of working at Penn state maybe ?
It would be stupid and foolish to believe nothing is going to happen in situations where she is not allowed because his ex demands it, with his approval, knowing his ex wants him back. A woman doesn’t tell a man she wants him without following up on it. She doesn’t ‘want’ him to be a brother to her. To turn a blind eye to that is just stupid.
I probably would have tossed in something about having sex with his ex in their bed in their house to top it off and then go in for the close with something like he gives her a key and tells the girlfriend how their house is going to be a timeshare for the two of them..
That’s insane.
I'm sure "you" think it is.. (chuckle chuckle) | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 10:07:22 AM | take your money and rebuy another house for you!
What a jerk. Clearly he isnt sticking up for you. even though you clearly are trying to compromise. he however is not.
dump him! | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 10:55:00 AM |
for some people, exes CAN remain close friends. I don't think it works for most people, but it is possible.
HOWEVER, the ex HAS to respect the new relationship and know where their place is. Any ex who refuses to meet the new partner, or attend any functions in their presence clearly still has attachment feelings and that would be a red flag that your ex should realise means an ongoing friendship is not possible.
That's it. I am not close friends with any exes nor do I talk to any of them daily, but a new guy in my life has to know I am on friendly terms with just about all of them, and that we're bound to run into someone socially. My exes also know that (outside of an occupational capacity) if they don't want to see or deal with the new guy - they don't need to deal with me either. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 12:57:18 PM | I wouldnt even call this a friendship what the OP's BF and his Ex have. For that both of them would have to see it as a platonic friendship.
So this is not just being picky about terminology, the Ex clearly communicates what she wants to the OP and to her Ex. She wants to restart the relationship! Am not sure the Ex sees it as a friendship either, maybe some mix out of guilt, unsure about his own feelings, communicating boundaries to his ex, whatever.
So the situation isnt one of "friendship" as the BF communicates to his partner. In fact its effecting them as a couple, as in they cant go together, if the ex doesnt approve. So all rules seam to get set by the EX.
I dont think anyone would be comfortable with that. Tricky situation as Jac has already said, if you come over as moaning you make it easier for the Ex. Ultimatum can have unwished outcome. Choice is yours.
Me personally if no tangled finances are involved, I'd get out of that fast. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:17:20 PM | | I hope by this date of July 1st that you have let this partner go. He obviously still involved with his ex...time to let him go.... In my opinion (since you posted to get others' thoughts), he/they have never gotten over one another. There is no...(By the way, I am positive there is not any sex involved.)....If not then, there is by now. Maybe he has a hard time telling you he's involved for fear of hurting you. Would you be in a relationship where anyone feels sorry for you?!! For him not taking you to "help her out," means to me he's considering her feelings before yours.... Has your gut feelings or female instincts ever told you anything? Anytime mine have spoken to me they have always, but....ALWAYS been right. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:18:52 PM | | I hope by this date of July 1st that you have let this partner go. He obviously still involved with his ex...time to let him go.... In my opinion (since you posted to get others' thoughts), he/they have never gotten over one another. There is no...(By the way, I am positive there is not any sex involved.)....If not then, there is by now. Maybe he has a hard time telling you he's involved for fear of hurting you. Would you be in a relationship where anyone feels sorry for you?!! For him not taking you to "help her out," means to me he's considering her feelings before yours.... Has your gut feelings or female instincts ever told you anything? Anytime mine have spoken to me they have always, but....ALWAYS been right. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:22:22 PM | Ok...I read your post again.
In a month you moved in together....you sold your home?!! Something is definately wrong with that picture!! I bet you're still holding on this man too huh? So sorry, but there are valuable lessons to be learned here. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 1:25:59 PM | | No way. An ex is an ex and should be in the past, there's always gonna be some dodgy shit going if she is not completely out of the picture. Put up with it if you want, but there's no way in hell I would. Why does he even want her in his life when he has you? If he needs her in his life so bad why did he dump her? Nah, that's way too annoying to even think about. Eff that! | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 2:21:54 PM | | Totally Unacceptable!! (and you know that in your gut) When a man loves a woman, he is protective of her and her feelings-he'll do what's needed to tie up loose ends so she feels comfortable. Anyone who says different hasn't truly been deeply loved by a Man before-A Man's love for a woman is powerful and enduring... | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 2:36:00 PM |
When a man loves a woman, he is protective of her and her feelings-he'll do what's needed to tie up loose ends so she feels comfortable. Anyone who says different hasn't truly been deeply loved by a Man before-A Man's love for a woman is powerful and enduring...
Beautiful and true. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 3:29:13 PM |
Really, do you "think" you could have taken that to "just" a "little" bit more of an extreme ?
Absolutely, yes, I believe I could. But did you maybe get a teensie bit of my point?
I probably would have tossed in something about having sex with his ex in their bed in their house to top it off and then go in for the close with something like he gives her a key and tells the girlfriend how their house is going to be a timeshare for the two of them..
That happens next, you know.
Jeez! You’re almost as sarcastic as I am. I hope you at least learned something from all of this. :) | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 3:40:12 PM | | Actually,after OP sold her house a year or so into the relationship and moved in with the BF.....what he really needs is a good swift kick in the cajones when he comes home from visiting. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 8:01:08 PM | Absolutely, yes, I believe I could. But did you maybe get a teensie bit of my point?
No I didn't. I refuse to listen to or give credit to fourtyteen year old commentary, so I discounted everything you said based on the lack of common sense and your need to take my comments to an extreme in a failed attempt to discredit my post.
Jeez! You’re almost as sarcastic as I am.
Well it's not something I'm proud of.
It shows that I became a willing participant in way to many childish and asinine conversation's and became almost as bad as the sick people I surrounded myself with. This happens when guys fall into the rut of boyfriend/therapist..
I hope you at least learned something from all of this. :)
Believe me, everything I needed to learn about those types of comments and the people that use them I learned a very long time ago. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 9:42:05 PM |
No I didn't. I refuse to listen to or give credit to fourtyteen year old commentary, so I discounted everything you said based on the lack of common sense and your need to take my comments to an extreme in a failed attempt to discredit my post.
Yet you couldn’t resist responding.
I maintain that being ‘honest’ doesn’t mean anything if a person chooses to disregard what is being told to them. Acting on an obviously troubling and potentially life altering situation is not punishing honesty. Emotionally healthy adults can determine what is best for them based on the information presented to them and act appropriately.
If the ‘honest’ one then decides to turn into a liar because he didn’t get the results he wanted when being honest that is his choice ….not an inevitable result forced upon him by another. That’s a cowardly cop out and much more indicative of that person’s true character.
OP’s boyfriend’s ex-wife openly wants him back. She’s told him and mutual friends and is manipulating a relationship that excludes the OP. YES, it’s stupid and foolish to ignore that and pretend his ex-wife will not act on it and attempt to destroy OP’s relationship with him.
You discredit your own post(s); I didn’t need to try.
It shows that I became a willing participant in way to many childish and asinine conversation's and became almost as bad as the sick people I surrounded myself with.
You may want to consider you might be over reacting to a dating site forum thread. I’ve merely presented my opinion and have not attempted to emasculate you or your opinion personally. I simply disagree and continue to do so despite your needless malicious tone. | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/1/2012 9:51:14 PM | Doesn't seem like your heart or his heart is in the relationship. Yours because you have a POF account that seems like you are looking to meet someone, and him because he should be way over his ex (especially if he doesn't have children with her).
Give him an ultimatum: either the ex or you. YES I SAID MAKE HIM CHOOSE! Simple decision if he can't make the decision he's not over her, and you need to get over him. Why put yourself through that? You only live once, plus you are in your 50s...do you really have time to bs with some man who wants to be "friends" with his EX? | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/2/2012 9:29:20 AM | | NO WAY SISTER...read between the lines....he still Loves her...and she still Loves him...they have a strong past and the bond wont be broken...they just realized they made a mistake with the divorce...I feel so sorry for you because you are prob in Love now...this is sooooo not right what he is doing....he should of been upfront with you from the beginning...he new inside how he was feeling...but he was being selfish and only thinking of his own needs not yours...although he may of not done this to you on purpose..I know you sold your house and prob feel real scared now and trapped...dont fight or argue with him...slowly start getting a plan to move out ...buy another house whatever you have to do...get your ducks in order...and then leave...he can never truely Love you the way you want him tooo....it's not going to work...you will feel hurt and angry for a long time....but you WILL get over him...dont waste your time....your real Prince Charming could be right around the corner...Good Luck Sister :) | |
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| New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 7/2/2012 12:41:41 PM | Given the fact that the OP is "looking for a relationship" on POF, I would assume that she has made a decision where this relationship is concerned.
I would have though it to be obvious: the man should have said he would be glad to remain friends with the ex, provided that it was acceptable to his new partner--common courtesy.
If the ex cannot emotionally handle his new partner, that is her problem and she must find a way to cope with her emotions as they are not a couple anymore and she should not be trying to win him back.
Evil Genius: sorry, but he has an obligation to his new partner to consider her needs, yes, sometimes putting the needs of the one we love comes before our own. She has not said she does not wish him to be friends with the ex, just that she should not be excluded. He knows the game his ex is playing and if he goes along with it, what does this say about his character? | |
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