| | Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairsPage 6 of 7 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) | LRB
"And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."
Spoken by a true cheather.
My first thought also. . It's the classic approach of those who lack integrity...their action is somehow justified by the circumstance. Like the car thief who justifies his own immoral behavior in part because someone left their car unlocked. No, it's not good to leave one's car unlocked but it in no way sanctions the behavior of the thief. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 3:34:14 AM | There are some people that are probably just cheaters by nature. It's how they conduct themselves in all their relationships because they see nothing wrong with it.
I doubt that those people would be the ones to admit having made a mistake in the past.
And no, I'm not a cheater, and that has never been an issue with anyone I've been with (married or not).
But I've done other things that hurt my partner.
Which one of you hasn't?
When a relationship ends, there are two people involved and both have played a part in it.
If you're never willing to look at your failings, chances are you WILL repeat those patterns again.
Give me someone who has spent the time to reflect and learn.
It takes humility to see ourselves as flawed. It takes grace to see others beyond theirs. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:50:46 AM |
But I've done other things that hurt my partner.
Which one of you hasn't?
Not sure of the logic. Someone who commits murder is just 'flawed' becayuse some of us stole a candy bar as a kid? I personally don't justify a terrible behavior like cheating with pouting now and then.
When a relationship ends, there are two people involved and both have played a part in it . Perhaps...women who have been abused need not have played any part. Victims of physical abuse, cheaters, etc. need not feel guilty about anything. The action is solely the choice and thus responsibility of their partner. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 11:06:41 AM | Absolute deal breaker! No one holds a gun to a person's head and makes them have an affair. It is a CHOICE...usually an immature, irrational, and irreparable one. I'm talking about an emotional/sexual affair...not a drunken one night indiscretion.
I believe once you do something you would normally never do...it only gets easier to do it again. The reasons and behavior that led to the one affair can lead to another.
An affair is NOT just about being unhappy, lack of sex, love, etc...it IS about LYING, sneaking behind the person's back that you are in a committed relationship with. It is about that person's inability to communicate with their SO about what they deem to be wrong in their relationship and work on fixing it.
It is about fantasy....because obviously if you have been single before, you know about the rush you get from a brand new relationship. Those rose-colored glasses that make you think that "new person" is the nuts...especially compared to the one you are cheating on.
An affair is a way to find someone new, while keeping your old partner in the dark and on the back burner, until you decide which you prefer more.
In my opinion, it is a situation you allow yourself to get in to, because of a relaxation of your value system, selfishness, a need for attention, and a lack of self-respect. I have researched a lot about affairs...at times adultery is compared to the same addiction alcoholics and drug addicts have. Something you DO because...YOU can't be happy and satisfied unless you USE something or someone to make yourself "feel better".
Affairs ruin relationships and trust. I would NOT date a person who had an affair period.
If you want someone else, fine....finish who you are with FIRST...then knock yourself out!
Just remember Karma is a ****. ;p | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:41:24 PM | Twenty odd years ago when my marriage ended because of an affair (my husband's affair), this book was a life saver for me: http://www.amazon.com/Private-Lies-Infidelity-Betrayal-Intimacy/dp/0393307077
But Pittman also makes the point that not all adulterers are repeaters; that some learn, and DO NOT repeat.
So rather than deal in a blanket way, I believe I'd rather talk it out to see if my sense was that it was/wasn't likely to be a way of life.
The woman in the affair with him, whom he did marry and have a child with, couldn't quite get over the fact that he'd cheated with *her* and accused him of having an affair with every woman she knew he had to deal with. He decided that if he were to be accused, he might as well go ahead. He's been married for 15 years to the third, is not especially happy and doesn't expect to be, but hasn't cheated again, and doesn't seem likely to -- his words? "It costs too much." | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:45:27 PM | "And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."
Spoken by a true cheather.
You know nothing of what went on.All I see in you is a bitter woman that let herself go.Was this a factor in your situation? | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:50:12 PM | "And the sooner the people stating that cheating is a deal breaker come to grips with this. . . and themselves . . .the better."
Spoken by a true cheather.
My first thought also. . It's the classic approach of those who lack integrity...their action is somehow justified by the circumstance. Like the car thief who justifies his own immoral behavior in part because someone left their car unlocked. No, it's not good to leave one's car unlocked but it in no way sanctions the behavior of the thief.
This from the guy who has never stated he was married or had kids.
Let's not hear anything about integrity from the guy that admits driving around with his gf jerkin' him.Or is she actually blowing you trekker? | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:55:07 PM |
Why should I be concerned about a person's past mistakes? True, but the past does have something to do with developing who a person has become in the here and now. Can a snapshot in time ruin the whole collage of life? Maybe ...maybe not. | |
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kpc74
| | Joined: 6/3/2012
Msg: 137 | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 6:27:20 PM | ""Spoken like a true cheater"
""You know nothing of what went on.All I see in you is a bitter woman that let herself go.Was this a factor in your situation?"" Sounds like someone needs a hug.
The thing is, there is a difference between once 20 years ago and a pattern of behaviour. And past behaviour had predict future behaviour - sometimes. Am I willing to take that chance...I don't think so. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 8:08:53 PM | | Agree. I think the pattern of behavior has to do with integrity and that's big if one has committed to a monogamous relationship. If there's something wrong with the relationship that communication can't work out, then it's time to move on, but integrity is a personal trait that I see as a core value. It would be hard for me to take someone seriously if I didn't feel there was a foundation of integrity somewhere inside. But that's what occurs to me while I sit and ponder right now....it may be that the shades of gray impact the situation in real life, it would be a struggle. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/16/2012 10:57:00 PM | | To summarize - I read the whole 7 pages of this thread, and I'm finding that some posters think that 90% of the general population cheat, then there are some who are sure the most people don't cheat, and then there are some who admit that quite a few people may cheat, but they wouldn' date them. And then there are few compassionate souls who are willing to listen to the story and look at the real person. I think, we may need another 7 pages to sort it out. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 3:29:22 AM | if a person volunteers info on his/her affair, then one of two scenarios: 1) letting you know they are not looking for commitment or 2)simply honest.
i mean come on, how many people admit to having affairs?!*
you need more data and if there are redeeming qualities, more time to "really" assess the particular situation. much harder dating a screw around who does not reveal anything!
often people stay together for the kids. or they lead a sexless marriage. so many stories...you really need to hone in your people skills in today's dating world. learn to ask the same questions over time in many different ways. see if it all adds up! | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 8:00:01 AM | I take the "reasons" for infidelity with a grain of salt. I have a couple I know that is just starting divorce proceedings. I know he has had affairs, I've been with him at 3 conventions where he ended up with a bed mate at all of them - plus more. He "confides" in me that "she doesn't do anything with me, all we do is fight, she won't have sex with me, blah, blah". This just happens to be the same conversation I've had with her, "he doesn't do anything with me, all we do is fight, he won't have sex with me, blah, blah".
So, the above, though annoying as hell cause I could give a rat's azz one way or another whether they stay married or get a divorce - they both have the same story. So while we may be sitting across the table chatting with my wonderful who fesses up about a prior affair and why he did it - there is another side to the story. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 8:24:21 AM |
if a person volunteers info on his/her affair, then one of two scenarios: 1) letting you know they are not looking for commitment or 2)simply honest
Not really. Psychology is clear on this. People admit to wrongful acts mostly because they do not see them 'as bad' as does most of society... it's the 'oops' justification...'I made a mistake but I wan't thinking straight'. AND...people who admit to having done a wrongful act often believe that most other people are like them....'if you were in the same circumstance you would have done the same thing'.
I'm not sure exactly how cheating would come up. If asked about a divorce or whatever most people would answer something like 'we drifted apart and the love was gone..etc. Which could be 100% honest without adding 'I cheated on my wife'. If you date a guy/gal and they are telling you after a couple dates that they once cheated on their spouse, the honesty may be noble but more likely they see cheating as a lesser sin than most others do....it was a 'mistake'...it was the circumstances or 'lots of people do it'. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 8:32:30 AM |
I'm not sure exactly how cheating wouod come up. If asked about a divorce or whatever most people would answer something like 'we drifted apart and the love was gone..etc. Which could be100% true without adding 'I cheated on my wife'. If you date a guy/gal and he is telling you after a couple dates that they once cheated on their spouse, the honesty may be noble but more likely they see cheating as a lesser sin than most others....it was a 'mistake'...it was the circumstances or 'lots of people do it'.
I must admit I did wonder how this cheating came up.. Not something you would normally ask someone and not something they would readily admit to if they did it.. So in my mind why ask the question.. However I believe in this case it was volunteered.. I guess according to what you are saying we should shoot the messenger and move on.. I am not entirely sure I would do that, but I might depending on the reason, age, etc.. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 1:54:47 PM | | If somebody is a serial philanderer,to me that is a personality trait.That doesn't necessarily include the majority of people in a war.If any of the people here were to loudly proclaim their distaste for actions in a troubled past marriage,what would you expect to hear from somebody when you look into their eyes....stats are stats people.If you want to start a relationship with a person with deception right from the start,that's your business. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 5:34:48 PM | | So just when does one ask "so, did you fvck around on your wife/husband?" - is that after the salad and before the entree or wait until after dessert. How does a person determine a serial philanderer from a One Time Charlie? | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 7/17/2012 5:48:45 PM |
So just when does one ask "so, did you fvck around on your wife/husband?" - is that after the salad and before the entree or wait until after dessert. How does a person determine a serial philanderer from a One Time Charlie?
After desert.:)If there was a sure fire test it would be real popular. | |
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pfif
| | Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 149 | |
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