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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/1/2012 9:39:59 PM |
what kind of girl thinks a guy would be happy with her giving him three hours a week, just to eat dinner, and an hour after? This kind...
she was months away from ever having sex. she said as much before we met OP, you just aren't getting it are you?
YOU agreed to meet her and start dating her even though you KNEW she wasn't keen to rush the intimacy. She set some boundaries and you agreed to them.
People have been critical of her for letting you pay. The truth is a lot of men still insist on paying. A lot of women aren't comfortable speaking up to offer to pay fearing they might offend the man (yes, some men get offended and feel like it is an assault on their masculinity).
It's likely she's having coffee with her girlfriend as I type this and saying "He's such a great guy. He's never asked me to pay - I feel guilty but don't know how to broach the subject - maybe I should take him on a picnic or do something that I pay for in advance? He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met - he's happy to keep seeing me even though I've told him I want to wait a while before we become intimate".
Do her a favour and tell her the truth so she knows it truly IS you, not her, that is the reason you don't want to see her anymore. | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/2/2012 11:11:30 AM | Hate to say it but you really need to change the style of women you date. Jogging distance from her house, yet she doesn't want to spend time with you? Balked at having you cook her a meal?
Seriously, after a 4th date, if a woman likes you, she would be glad to have a home cooked meal from you. Or you would be getting a meal cooked by her.
Fridays and applbees is not an option she makes 120 k a year, wine, apps, desert, salmon...all part of her DNA
Soooo this is something you want long term?
Is the HOPE of sex that important? | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/2/2012 12:28:40 PM | This is one of those "high class" ladies that wants her ass kissed for a good long time. She doesn't have the common sense to put two and two together that the OP doesn't make near the kind of money she does, and says it in plain English when she isn't even thrilled about being cooked for, which isn't cheap either BTW.
You're out of your league here OP, but one thing that has me wondering is it appears that you are pretending to be something you are not. You have to be up front with women about what economic status you are in, at least to a point. It isn't that all women are just looking for money, it is that some are accustomed to a higher classed lifestyle than the common man. They take things for granted related to money, it just never dons on them that you could be on your last hundred bucks for the week until payday, don't have any gas in your car and you got tabs hitting 80 or 90 bucks. She is used to paying at least that to get her nails done once a week, the last thing on her mind would be to pay a tab for dinner, that is the man's job who is courting her.
It is very difficult to date outside of your class unless the gal is super cool and the guy doesn't have a chip on his shoulder when the gal can more than carry her end of the bargain. Rich women like to travel on a whim, are used to getting lots of time off, buy the best things, eat at the most expensive restaurants, spoil their kids and generally have different agendas regarding love and finding a mate then your normal, working class gal would.
I'm around a 50k a year guy myself, and I like to make it fairly clear where I stand economically in terms of dating and potential long term relationships. If they need and require more than I can give them and will for the future, that is something that should be determined up front before moving forward with dating. She deserves to know that as much as you deserve to tell her, otherwise you will play out this facade that you can handle throwing money around and be left holding your ****, your empty wallet and will have wasted a month or two of your time while she moves on to someone "a little more her type".
Also, I find it hard to believe that after 4 dates and alone time away from the restaurant, the money subject couldn't have been touched on in some way by you. There was plenty of opportunity along the way to let this gal know where you stand economically, and don't assume that people know what a particular career pays, either. You can broach the subject with off color remarks in many ways, like talking about a bargain you just got and how much it meant for you beings times are tight. Again, don't just assume she has the common sense to put two and two together, if it is not convenient for her to do so, she probably won't. It is your job to somehow make her understand where you are coming from regarding a fiscal standpoint.
My guess is, if you would have told her by now that you aren't made of money, she wouldn't be telling you how she had such great times with you. You would have saved yourself a few hundred bucks by now and maybe even met someone else way cooler and down to earth. I just don't think people communicate enough, or a lot of this stuff could be avoided. | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 7:17:07 AM | here come the feminazis.
she has been dating online for YEARS, shes only willing to see the op for a few hours a week at which time she manages to spend 70 dollars on food.
shes a user, all the feminazis are gonna be saying "so cause she didnt put out" etc etc, its not cause she didnt put out but there should at least be kissing / cuddling by a 4th date. a girl knows within 3 hours if she was interested in you.
if shes not interested in you she should not be leading you on making you pay for dinners, its not about putting out.
if i went for a meal with a friend i wouldnt pay. so why should op be paying for a "female friend"
shes a serial dater by the sounds of things, probably seeing 2-3 guys at a time gettign them to buy meals for her.
if she was interested shed find more time for you, shes not so shes using you as a meal ticket | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 7:35:27 AM | My gut is telling me there's a little more to this story than what the OP has posted. I'm suspecting he is the one who got the dollar signs in his eyes when he found a wealthy woman to date and thought he would be the one getting treated.
Yeah, she does sound a little flakey with the one hour cat-petting, but at $120K a year, I doubt she really needs men to pay for her dinners for her. Maybe it's the men who try too hard at the beginning to impress her but then realize they've bitten off more than they can chew? A lot of people don't like chain restaurants, not just the wealthy. If you don't believe me, just say "Olive Garden" and watch the screeching begin, lol.
Now that I think about it, even the one-hour cat-stroking visit sounds a little far-fetched......she actually sat on a chair in silence stroking the cat as the clock ticked by? Or did the cat just take to her as cats will do with some people while the OP sat thinking "Are we gonna have sex yet? Are we gonna have sex yet? Are we gonna have sex yet? Let's just see how long she sits there and pets the cat instead of having sex with me!" till she got bored petting the cat and went home? Then the OP can say "See? See? She's some kind of wacko, all she did was pet my cat for an hour and then went home instead of having sex with me!"
Maybe she's dealt with a constant stream of gigolo-types who think that all they have to do is satisfy her in bed and it will be easy street for them from now on and this is how she weeds them out?
Two sides to every story and we haven't heard hers. Though I had a lot of fun speculating on hers, lol. | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 7:58:46 AM |
Yeah, if you actually have the balls to tell her you're done, be real about it. Let her know exactly why you don't want to see her again, then maybe she will wake up. She may even wake up right now if you bring it to her attention, it depends how much she really likes you.
I agree Op, I think you should be real about and tell her that regardless of her being upfront about sex not being on the menu immediately and you accepting that, you are dumping her because she didnt put out, and because she didnt immediately meet some internal timing standard you had in your head about getting the bill and that becasue she wasnt all that excited about going to a strangers house for a "home cooked meal", and the fact that she had the audacity to actually be friendly to your pet...I mean really what a psycho ****...
Dude your whole post screams of your fixation on getting laid, and if you cant even control that in here, there is no doubt in my mind this woman was dealing with your seual frustration the whole time you were out... | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 8:36:53 AM |
I agree Op, I think you should be real about and tell her that regardless of her being upfront about sex not being on the menu immediately and you accepting that, you are dumping her because she didnt put out, and because she didnt immediately meet some internal timing standard you had in your head about getting the bill and that becasue she wasnt all that excited about going to a strangers house for a "home cooked meal", and the fact that she had the audacity to actually be friendly to your pet...I mean really what a psycho ****...
Dude your whole post screams of your fixation on getting laid, and if you cant even control that in here, there is no doubt in my mind this woman was dealing with your seual frustration the whole time you were out...
I gathered that he really doesn't want to dump this gal since he has time and money invested, but since she apparently thinks he is an open ATM machine and can keep feeding her expensive meals with little to no affection in return, he is pretty much ready to move on. I don't think affection is all about getting laid, it is what it is. Certainly not doing anything but playing with his p*ussy instead of hers doesn't help lol. I am almost positive that if she had done more to this point to show some sort of affection, he wouldn't have even brought up the no getting laid card. Since he did though, gals like you are going to totally fixate on that and not the fact his date has been a complete bore draining his bank account up to this point and seems quite satisfied doing that with no end in site.
Also, this gal had already been to his place when she turned down his invite to cook, so you missed that whole point. A man who is willing to cook a gal a nice meal is not a bad thing, I have never known any woman who didn't like the effort after going out a few times. This woman wanted nothing to do with that, instead she wanted to be whined and dined her way, complete with expensive glasses of wine.
I'm not surprised you don't blame the woman for anything and want to completely strawman this guy as just wanting to get laid. This woman is completely using this guy and draining his bank account with no affection whatsoever in return. She needs to get her sh*t together or get gone, doesn't mean she has to put out. A nice start would be lowering her requirements on entertainment spending, paying for things herself, taking the guy up on his offer to cook occasionally, stop giving all her affections to his cat and maybe *gasp*, show the guy a little affection like a real cuddle and kiss. She sounds like a rich Aunt Bea expecting a Mayberry courting, except they live in Long Island where everything costs an arm and a leg. She has the money to pay for the arm and the leg and he doesn't. Although he has tried, she could seem to care less. What the h*ll am I missing here? | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 9:01:05 AM | You have a few options.
1) Tell her "you just aren't feeling it", "It's not you, it's me", or "I like you as a friend"
2) Don't call her at all.
3) Bring her to one of those cheap all you can eat buffets. If she wants soda with her king crab legs make her pay the extra two bucks herself. Hit on the 19 year old Korean waitress. | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 9:08:52 AM | What the h*ll am I missing here?
That we've only heard the story from his point of view, that there are two sides to every story, and that his has some holes in it.
For example, have you seen his kitchen? She has. Maybe it's filthy and has cockroaches. We don't know why she really turned down the home-cooked meal without hearing the other side of the story or seeing his home for ourselves.
SHE drained his bank account? I guess I missed the part where she had access to it. Or had a gun to his head and insisted he take her out to expensive places. If you couldn't afford the restaurant your date wants to go to, why would you still go unless you were expecting something in return?
And for the record.....in NYC, $120K a year isn't rich! And it doesn't go very far, either! You guys make it sound like she's one of the Rockefellers....it's only $120K a year, which is pretty much chicken feed in NYC!
Do you believe everything everybody tells you? ;) | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 9:15:27 AM | If you are not enjoying yourself why date her? And in the future if you do enjoy someone's company, make sure her tastes don't break your budget.
To this one specifically, though, it sounds to me like she probably has a half dozen guys on the line taking her out and she is enjoying everything at no cost to herself. | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 10:09:10 AM |
Hate to say it but you really need to change the style of women you date. Jogging distance from her house, yet she doesn't want to spend time with you? Balked at having you cook her a meal?
I'm with bmore_goat on this one. That the $500/mo is not sustainable on your income isn't even relevant: she just doesn't seem to be that into you. If you want to play it out a bit longer, tell her the cost is becoming excessive but you would still like to have dinner with her if she is OK with separate checks.
And, if you aren't already, start dating other women. Someone who is more compatible, and more into you, is out there. I had a fourth date (two weeks in) this past weekend: home-made pizza dinner at her place, classic movies courtesy of Netflix, and a bottle of wine courtesy of me. My cost was $15 for the wine - but most importantly, there was no question that we were there because we enjoyed each other's company. | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 10:45:50 AM | | You know what, after reading several posts and re-reading yours, I get the feeling that she's not that into you. I get the impression she just wants someone to take her out to dinner once or twice a week. FOUR dates? Yup, y'all have no chemistry. Tell her that. No blaming -- only grace. It won't be difficult because, as I said, "SHE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU." | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 2:25:06 PM | Well I told her by text we werent compatible for dating purposes so she doesn't waste time thinking we will be going out again. I hoped she would ask why, so I could tell her but she did not so I won't.
,she was texting me after the last date so much, telling me how much fun she had on the date, blah blah, and I wasn't saying much to her back about the date. Weather she was dating someone els or not, I don't know but she was interested in me but basically I can't afford her. Even if I could, I can't date a girl who comes in my apt and follows the cat around for an hour when she is well aware guys want to be petted as much as the cat does. The girls at work who are married touch me more then she did. She also didnt kiss really. SPlit second kisses if I make the move. In my apt I didnt make any move because I knew after paying for the meal I couldnt afford to see her again. I think maybe she is just very cheap. ANd if a girls favorite hobby is great restaurants, anyone suggesting she settle for applebees and $50 dinners has never tried to date this kind of girl. They don't give up those sort of things unless they lose their own job and have new girlfriends and a whole new lifestyle. | |
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| She had a great time I thought it was the worst date in my life..how do I tell her?
Posted: 7/3/2012 5:01:24 PM | Wow OP. You need to add to your profile "I am looking for someone with esp as I don't like to actually communicate".
Yes, in an ideal world women would split costs. However a lot of women these days still think the man is happy to pay every time. It doesn't occur to them that it would be any other way. If you DO pay each time, why would you expect her to think any differently? (I'm not saying it's right to think the man should pay - I don't believe that - but that is the way a lot of woman - and men - have been raised).
If you think it's fair to share costs you need to make this clear after the second date at the latest. Otherwise you have set the standard for who pays.
So.. you didn't tell her that you would appreciate her sharing the costs or that you couldn't afford to continue paying for expensive meals.
Then, after 4 dates, you didn't have the decency to actually call her and tell her you weren't seeing her anymore? You did it by text.
You really really need to learn to communicate. I can't even say 'communicate better'.. | |
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