|
|
|
|
|
| | situationPage 3 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | | Tell him to piss off. Sounds like a jerk. he knows you like him too by the way. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/4/2012 12:39:37 PM |
The good news is, plenty of females have suffered from this thought process. It is common.
The bad news is, most of them are under the age of 14!
The bad news for you is that most women your age don't act like 14 year olds, either. Tee hee!
You're not doing a good job of "not listening" to me as you vowed to do earlier.
Oh, well. I stick with my original response:
Msg 8: Ummm ... I think it's much more possible that he is not romantically attracted to YOU! 
The fact he has had "flings" tells me he is capable of putting on the moves.
But, hey ... If it gives you comfort to think he is romantically attracted, but just can't bring himself to kiss you because he is fawked in the head, you go girl.
Much more palatable to blame one's failures to have a relationship on the other person's inadequacies.  | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/5/2012 1:00:13 PM | | I think he uses you as a sounding board for his problems, his issues and worries are all part of his dramatic little life. He does not consider you a candidate for any type of relationship other than what you have right now which is Pen Pals. Any chance you had to change that ended on your last visit, opportunity presented itself and neither of you took advantage of it. A man that is interested in you even if only for sex, will let you know. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/5/2012 4:32:46 PM | "You're not doing a good job of "not listening" to me as you vowed to do earlier."
If you think I vowed that I would listen to you, you're more delusional than I thought.
I have just three requests for you, kayla.
1. You need to calm down and take a chill pill. Try breathing exercises when you feel too brash--and count to 10. Works wonders.
2. I'm not interested in hearing anymore "advice" you have to offer.
3. You wanna win this "fight" you are having with yourself? Fine, where do you want me to send the doggiebone? Emial or snailmail? | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/5/2012 4:44:46 PM | OP
What do YOU really want to do? Are you content with this LDR/electronic penpal deal where you keep hoping you will find the right things to say and do to "fix" him?
There is nothing wrong with living and/or dying for an ideal, or undergoing a hardship for an ideal. But, like many other ideals( world peace, the end of bigotry, equal access to the necessities of life for all peoples of the world), it may not ever be achieved. I honestly don't think there is much of anything anyone can do for this man-because he LIKES it where he is. I don't care what he SAYS...hell, if a CAT doesn't like the place its' lying in, it'll get up and move to something that suits it better.
Yes, it's entirely possible that this man has so thoroughly controlled his emotions for so long, that his emotions now have "Stockholm syndrome". I think that fixing that- if it even IS fixable!-is way beyond what your caring and concern could effect.
I think that whatever it is that you currently have with this man is about as good as its' gonna get. If you would prefer that to going out and having a more functional relationship with a man whose emotions aren't crippled, then who are we to pass judgement?
I can sort of relate to the "fixer" syndrome but I've learned to temper it with common sense. I think this is what you also need to do, OP-but it is YOUR life and provided you are not breaking important laws of God, man,physics or gravity-you should live it however you deem fit.
If you are asking how to "get over" him-well, that's a process and it will require some significant force of will. I cannot advise you as to the exact method and logistics-whether it should be the time-honored "clean break" , or whether you can make a conscious effort to bring this back to strictly platonic friendship-only you know the strength of your own willpower.
It does sound like there wa a considerable stretch of time when you and he were completely out of contact-and both of you managed to survive. I'm wondering about why you chose to initiate a contact with him after so many years?
Did you experience a disappointment with another relationship? Is this deal with this guy a sort of a "fantasy break" to salve your own wounded emotions?
When a relationship is meant to come together, even though it does require work, compromise, sacrifice,putting someone else as equal to yourself in terms of wants& needs-but a relationship that is meant to happen doesn't FEEL like work, sacrifice, tremendous effort.
It's your call, OP. That's my assessment/opinion of the situation. If you are looking for someone to tell you some "magic words" or a specific way to manipulate this situation to your own ends, I don't have any answers for you.
Cindy O | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/5/2012 5:45:02 PM | "You're not doing a good job of "not listening" to me as you vowed to do earlier."
MSG 52: If you think I vowed that I would listen to you, you're more delusional than I thought.
Read carefully. I said "NOT listening." It's even in quotes. You went to the trouble of pasting it into your post (MSG 52). Do you see it?
I agree there is delusion occurring in this thread. Or perhaps you merely "forgot" what you posted to me in MSG 44:
Hey Kayla,
.
.
.
I would not include you in the bunch I am listening to, so you can omit the "we" in your statements.
Anyway, I am not the person who has contradicted herself several times in this thread. Hopefully, you can come to some clarity about what you seek, since you came here wondering how to "land" the guy, then proclaim you will "keep him as a friend" (MSG 47).
Of course, that is after you say that "he see's me as just a friend, or so I think." (MSG 1), but simultaneously insist he is romantically drawn to you (MSG 41) - a contradiction I pointed out in MSG 43 - right before you stated you would no longer listen to me, remember?
I think you would be well served to deal with the inconsistencies in your own mind before you try to "help" someone else with their issues.
P.S. I still say, as I did in previous posts (MSG 8, etc.), he is NOT attracted to you. He has had "flings" according to you, and yet has never made a move to kiss you? Mmm, yeah, right. You are friend-zoned. No hope for romance. It is not really due to his "incapacity" for expressing emotion. It is the fact he is NOT romantically drawn to you. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/5/2012 11:42:25 PM | | He sounds like a mess. Needs to work on himself before he can do anything else. And , what's more, he man never come out of it and always be screwed up. But one meeting does NOT a relationship make, friendship or otherwise. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 11:10:59 AM | "He sounds like a mess. Needs to work on himself before he can do anything else. And , what's more, he man never come out of it and always be screwed up. But one meeting does NOT a relationship make, friendship or otherwise."
Yes, you're absolutely right, but we have met 3 times in life, not one. Even then, he says the same thing to me--he has to fix himself before he's can be ready for any relationship. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 11:52:21 AM | | Amy, he may make beautiful music but unless you only plan on getting laid every 3 years he's not going to be much of a BF. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 12:01:03 PM | " What do YOU really want to do? Are you content with this LDR/electronic penpal deal where you keep hoping you will find the right things to say and do to "fix" him?"
No, I am not content with that of course. This is the deal: I knew nothing of his problems when I met him over 10 yrs ago. We'd talk online, on the phone, and I had met him in Europe during a musical competition he was part of. I repeat, I knew nothing and was not interested in him because of his young age, and he knew this as well. I met him then, and I saw him again when he came to visit me where I live 2 yrs after I saw him in Europe. But he never really talked about his problems to me until about 2 yrs ago, and that was after I had lost contact with him, and found him again online.
" I honestly don't think there is much of anything anyone can do for this man-because he LIKES it where he is."
I kind of agree with you here, and I kind of don't. Here's why. He's been telling me he's been trying to "fix" himself for 15 yrs, through different methods (therapy, hypnotism, acupuncture, etc) and all these things didnt work for him. He has read many self-help books. The fact is, he has tried to help himself, but I tell him that there are so many different kinds of therapists, and that he chose the wrong one. He shows me statistics saying most people in therapy, get out of it without any benefits. The reason for the therapy-- insecurities relating to problems with his father. but at least, with the talks we've had, he's come to realize that forgiving his father, and accepting him for what he is, is the basis for getting better with himself. And I have helped him with that! Only with this, has he agreed. He wasn't even talking to his father until lately, and still doesn't really communicate as much, but at least there is some progress there. There is that one issue with his father, that is the culprit to all of his problems.
This may give you more insight into why I feel as I do. I mentioned I had not been interested when he was younger and this was understandable to me. He knew this because I would tell him, he was just a "baby" and he would argue that he was a man. When I reconnected with him, he told me once he knew I liked him, which I denied (I was lying, of course , I did, but couldn’t tell him because I felt ashamed of the age difference). So I told him, that I didn't like him "in that way." He then went on to say how great a kisser he was, etc., and asked me if I would not even want to kiss him. I told him no, because I "could be his mother", to which he said, "But the fact is you're not." When he told me he knew I liked him, I did feel as if he could see through me, but I hid my feelings and because I did feel shame about the age difference, it's that simple. Now that we are both older, it doesn't mean as much to me, in fact, I have friends that have seen his picture and tell me we look about the same age. But then again they might just be being nice!
"Did you experience a disappointment with another relationship? Is this deal with this guy a sort of a "fantasy break" to salve your own wounded emotions?
When a relationship is meant to come together, even though it does require work, compromise, sacrifice,putting someone else as equal to yourself in terms of wants& needs-but a relationship that is meant to happen doesn't FEEL like work, sacrifice, tremendous effort.
It's your call, OP. That's my assessment/opinion of the situation. If you are looking for someone to tell you some "magic words" or a specific way to manipulate this situation to your own ends, I don't have any answers for you. "
I did have a relationship in the middle of all this, with another man, and he knew about it. He’d still call me to see how I was. I left the relationship about 5 yrs ago, it was my initiative--and I felt nothing for that guy like what I feel here. But it has nothing to do with this other man, I would think. Yes, it is MY call, and his as well. It would mean lot of effort on my part, if I chose that, and I feel that if this person is EVER able to help himself and continues to talk to me, I'll be more assertive with my feelings and see how that goes. But if he doesn't, and my feeling is this is how it will turn out because they say the best prediction about behaviors and how things will turn out is to base them on the past events , then I will simply have to keep myself busy to forget him, and let time heal. Thanks so much. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 1:21:07 PM | "Amy, he may make beautiful music but unless you only plan on getting laid every 3 years he's not going to be much of a BF."
LOL! I hope to move to Europe, have always wanted to retire there. But it's more important to see him for who he is, right now. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 1:29:34 PM |
I am friends with a guy, long distance, for over 10 yrs. he has never had a "real" relationship with a woman, has had few dates, and maybe a few flings here and there but never a relationship
Bad sign.
He also has very low self-esteem, compounded by having trouble approaching very attractive women. I can go on and on but I dont want to talk about his problems too much here.
VERY bad sign.
Honestly, I wouldnt go there. At all. As much for your own good as his own good.
Are you really thinking this because you have feelings for him, or because you want to "help" him?
As cliched as it sounds, that nurse syndrome they talk about in Back to The Future (alright, call me a geek; sue me lol) does have some truth to it, as such you should analyse your motivations carefully. I MIGHt be completely off to, but just reading this and further posts...to quote another movie, "I got a BAD feeling about this"...
Oh, and sidenote, Kayla might be harsh with her words sometimes, but EVERY time she posts something, I take heed. She is a very sane woman whom I dont always agree with that offers sometimes crude but always worth wondering about advice.
Just adding this in the interest of fairness, not to compound the "War"  | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 1:30:10 PM | " OP I think you are an enabler. You let him go on complaining and doing nothing. I don't agree with the other amateur psychiatrists in this thread. Neurotics admit they have a problem. Sociopaths and psychpaths don't admit they have a problem. The guy's neurotic and it's probably something he's just going to have to live with. If he gets out more he has a good chance of finding someone like you closer to his own age and location who will sympathize, mother him, and take care of him, maybe even support him if he's lucky. They're out there and as you say, they need each other."
I don't know if I've spoken to any true psychiatrists, but I agree with you. He is not a sociopath nor a psychopath, I've looked those up and he doesn't fit the description. He is a nervous individual, that is all I know, who has trouble dealing with letting out his emotions (anger, hurt, etc). He can express them now, and is doing that but he says they come up to the surface and he wants to get "rid" of them. You're right, maybe he will finally find someone closer to him who will give him the support he needs. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 1:46:42 PM | | What is the age difference? | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 2:29:33 PM | He looks special to you because he opened up like probably no man has before, and you know him very well after all those years. 10 years is like a marriage, just to talk to someone for so long , it's a lot of time.He trust's you and only you if he let you go so deep inside him, and trust is not something that u can get easily. Sometimes you can have a great connection with someone , but no romance at all, but that is not the end of the wolrd.What would u prefer : a quick fire that burns out allmost instantly (romance ) or a long , warm, susteined fire that warms you for years ( friendship ,respect and love) ?
I think that people act different with other people when they know how the other one feels. He knows that u are his friend for the last 10 years and he doesn't look at you other way , but maybe if you talk to him about that...you will find another person there.Someone who is capable to make you feel that romance too. Try. Is not gonna hurt :) | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 2:31:11 PM | | I think by now it's safe to say: Like attracts like. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 2:56:22 PM | Amy the biggest problem standing in the way of anything mutual here is, that it seams to be all about him and his "problem". Just to see it from a different perspective, what are the things you do enjoy doing together? Your hopes, values, dreams, care? These are all things that should be in a mutual relationship.
Instead everything seams to go the way, as not to put him in a "dark" mood. So you might end up playing happy daisy the whole time, not acknowledging your own moods and feelings. What about you? Does he equally listen to you and chear you up when you had a bad day? Just some food for thought.
If he was able to say to you in a flirty manner, that he is a good kisser, he cant really be that withdrawn also.
That requires quite a good confidence in my opinion. Not fully knowing the whole thing, my gut would tell me, he is playing you somehow. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 4:31:49 PM |
I think by now it's safe to say: Like attracts like.
Really?
What I see is someone who has asked for input and a sounding board and has started to unravel her confusion on the subject, leading to some decision making.
Her friend, however, according to her description is not open to change at this present point, that being the major problem as identified by her.
Inevitably there will be likenesses, we do tend to chose friends and partners we have things in common with. You come across as being critical of that. If like attracts like, its up to them to work out how that will best be a functional arrangement. They might not be like you, but why should anyone be?
"I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am me.
If we should meet, its beautiful.
If not, then not." - Perls | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:20:15 PM | | I don't know, I don't know, situations like this make me want to pull my hair out which would have to be done with tweezers as I have none, throw chairs out the window of my 48th floor office where the windows don't even open, get into a high speed chase with the police just for the fun of it or rob a pawn shop with a fake gun hoping I'll be killed in a hail of gunfire. You can't help this guy, as always, study what Jac_The_Gripper has to say, she so smart she scares me. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/7/2012 9:43:49 AM | You can't help this guy,
Thank you for consistently being my one man fan club, tallman, but doesn't this statement above depend upon the definition of "help"?
I think "help" is often used as a synonym for "cure" as we tend to think in terms of medical models. We tend to think in terms of: illness--->get help--->take treatment = cured.
Sh*tty, dysfunctional childhoods don't work like that. It takes a long time, a lot of chipping away at the block over many years in terms of learning and making connexions between our experiences, thoughts, behaviours and feelings...it takes a lot of reprogramming.
Not only are people often reticent towards letting go of coping/survival strategies learned in their formative years, long after they are no longer functional, but they often expect therapy, getting "help" to lead to the "cure".
As resolution is a long drawn out process in cases such as the OP sites with her friend, let's not muddle up "help" and "cure". She can't "cure" him, but there's no reason why she can't be one of many influences in this man's life that/who enables him, "helps" him, to progress in a positive way along the path he's following. That's a really valuable thing to be able to do for another human being. Its a part of what relationships, whether friendship, sexual, professional, whatever, are about - helping others progress in a positive way along the path they are following. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/7/2012 10:44:23 AM | | therapy only "works" if the person getting it is working it. therapy isnt a magic pill. i call that one a cop out. sorry. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/7/2012 12:52:05 PM | It certainly has taken him a long time to get over his childhood. I remember once telling him that he feels guilty now, because he thought that his father saw him as worthless, and so he himself is justifying what he thought his father felt by feeling worthless about himself and so on. But he seems to be getting over this now, a bit.
"She can't "cure" him, but there's no reason why she can't be one of many influences in this man's life that/who enables him, "helps" him, to progress in a positive way along the path he's following. That's a really valuable thing to be able to do for another human being. Its a part of what relationships, whether friendship, sexual, professional, whatever, are about - helping others progress in a positive way along the path they are following."
Thanks-- that's exactly what I try to do. I realize I can be there just to listen and lead him to more positive thinking, but not "cure" him. You've said that well, Jac. | |
|
| situation
Posted: 7/7/2012 12:54:19 PM | "He looks special to you because he opened up like probably no man has before, and you know him very well after all those years. 10 years is like a marriage, just to talk to someone for so long , it's a lot of time.He trust's you and only you if he let you go so deep inside him, and trust is not something that u can get easily. Sometimes you can have a great connection with someone , but no romance at all, but that is not the end of the wolrd.What would u prefer : a quick fire that burns out allmost instantly (romance ) or a long , warm, susteined fire that warms you for years ( friendship ,respect and love) ? I think that people act different with other people when they know how the other one feels. He knows that u are his friend for the last 10 years and he doesn't look at you other way , but maybe if you talk to him about that...you will find another person there.Someone who is capable to make you feel that romance too. Try. Is not gonna hurt :) "
I agree with you there. Thanks for your kind words. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
