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| | Trying to not date someone based on looks...Page 2 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | No, it is not possible to THROW "looks" out the window. That is, what you find attractive, is the result of psychological, cultural, and likely DNA-based elements within you, which are expressed through bio-chemical reactions. "Throwing them out the window" would involve either psycho-surgery (not currently possible in any of the know planetary systems), or throwing out the entire being who carries them at the same time (which makes the point of tossing them out moot, since the carrier entity, i.e. you, will be lying in the dumpster out back).
You can however, often DISCOVER that there are indeed significant parts of you which ARE attracted to someone you did not expect to be.
In my opinion, if you find that you are internally trying to convince yourself to "go ahead in spite of" all the time, then you are being dishonest with yourself and the other person. If instead, you find that you are surprised all the time that you ARE turned on, despite this person not fitting what you thought you knew about your tastes, then there is a chance you are simply growing further as a sexual being, such that a wider range of mates is possible.
Time for a choice of risks, I think. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 4:47:05 AM | Ironcially,I just re-watched the movie,"Shallow Hal" with Jack Black which was based
on our tendency as human's to only "see" the outside of someone,without taking other
factors into consideration when dating and it reminded me of just how shallow we can be,
and still call it "preference" as though we are entitled to the "BEST" because we are somehow
the "best".
The sad fact is that it's not easy to dismiss our predjudices and judgements of others and see past
"flaws" we are conditioned to see in others,especially when our ego's become over inflated.
The truth is,none of us are model's and to expect perfection in others is ludicrious.
If instead, you find that you are surprised all the time that you ARE turned on, despite this person not fitting what you thought you knew about your tastes, then there is a chance you are simply growing further as a sexual being, such that a wider range of mates is possible.
Time for a choice of risks, I think.
Having taken that "risk" and gone against my "normal attraction" I can honestly say the above is true.
Especially when taking more than looks into consideration. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 4:48:10 AM | | I agree w/ Igor that being attracted to someone is based on a bunch of subconscious stuff that you can't control. On the other hand, if you were expecting instant fireworks I'd call that a little unrealistic. Attraction can grow over time..... not saying give it six months of treading water but somewhere between "right now" and two or three dates, sometimes you will find things like personality/character can totally win you over. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:08:07 AM | OP ~ Do you want to be in a situation where you marry this woman and still no sexual desire or chemistry? Sooner or later its going to get old...much like sooner. Then you may look elsewhere for that sexual desire and/or chemistry...then she'll be on here on how you didn't appreciate her for who she is...its a vicious cycle to be honest.
I mean someone doesn't have to be perfect to have desire and sexual chemistry...which is what people accuse us for since we don't want EVERYBODY....but at the same time the attraction must be there...with out it she is another friend.
You're not shallow or anything OP, there is no way everyone is attracted to every body shape, or facial feature out there. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:59:41 AM |
So I met this person I believe is pretty cool and we hit it off some.... but looks wise I'm not crazy over her or anything. By that I don't know if I'll have that much sexual attraction. I think she has a beautiful face but I don't know if its fair to try to continue out things if in the end I don't have enough physical draw towards her. Is it possible to throw looks out the window?
I think the answer is Yes and No.
I think some level of physical attraction matters, but like many things that people do about dating, I think people take it way way way too far. For example, generally speaking, men are socially expected to provide and protect for his wife and children. I'm not focusing on what ends up happening, but about our culture and social expectations and perceived roles. If a guy can provide a safe neighborhood with an apartment and keep food on the table and those he loves in warm beds and they have access to adequate medical care and a decent school for the kids, I would say that qualifies as "providing" But again, people take that way too far. Now it's about someone needing to have a house, or a nice car or nice trinkets or the ability to afford vacations and if you can buy the nicest engagement ring possible. So I feel just like the "providing" issue, that the "looks" issue can be taken a lot farther than what most people "need" I know there is what people "want" but I think what people "need" can be a lot less than that, they just don't know it.
I don't think it's too much to ask that there be some basic attraction, but I think that level can change and shift over time. The answer for me personally, and I can only speak for me, is trying to be secure within myself. My guess is a lot of people want to date a super attractive person because it takes some form of external validation with it. If a man can date a super pretty girl, society treats him better. It means he must be important. If a woman can date a man who is the total package in the eyes of all other women, then society says she's awesome and wonderful and treats her like a queen. Something that changed my views on looks is when I used to take some women out to a first time dinner and realized, sadly for me, that most of them didn't listen to one word I was saying all evening. Many of those women, to my guess, had already decided I was sufficient marriage material, based on their view of my genetic material or it's potential and what wealth or assets I had or how other women treated me in general. I have never had a super hard time in my life having girls interested in me for dating, I have however had a super hard time finding someone who would simply attempt to try to listen and understand me. A lot of people out there, sadly, don't care about you or what you feel or what matters to you or what drives you or what you've been through or what light or darkness has gone on in your life, most people only want the parts of you that they can hold like a bright shiny bauble to the rest of the world.
The more you like you, the more you accept you, the more you are ok with you, your choices, your life, your self acceptance, the less that external validation matters. And when that happens, I truly believe you see many people in a different light. It won't make a person you find unattractive to be attractive automatically, but IMHO, you being to see people for all their traits on a level footing. Where looks might have formerly been a majority of the initial "wants", the situation burns down to just what you really need to try to be happy. I don't think, over time, my ideas about attraction have changed much, but I think what did change is what I "needed" became clearer and clearer in my mind. Unfortunately we live in a society where many to most are highly insecure about themselves and their worth and there is a constant bombardment by peers, culture, mass media and ourselves to try to justify our worth. IMHO, the people looking to justify the most are the ones who have the most screwed up and almost vicious like approach to looks.
When you truly love yourself and accept yourself, taking away all your socially perceived attributes out of it, and just being ok with you as a person, then honestly, who cares about the happy horseshit that society says and peers say and the media says is the baseline of acceptability for your own happiness.
I don't think anyone can fully throw looks out the window, I just think some people can get to a point where what you want matters a lot less than what you need. If this is the kind of girl who would stand by you OP, I mean dig in and stand by you if you were sick, had cancer, was in a wheelchair, would buy into loving you if you were old, tired, broken, broke, crippled and battered by society, then personally I would find that a hard thing to give up. If this person makes you smile and you see a new light filling your day and world because you feel you are understood and heard and valued, then I would gently say that truly great people in this life are rare, if you've been lucky enough to meet one, I don't know how easily you should or would want to surrender that. Just my 3 cents. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 7:23:22 AM | I don't know if I'll have that much sexual attraction. I think she has a beautiful face but I don't know if its fair to try to continue out things if in the end I don't have enough physical draw towards her. Is it possible to throw looks out the window
If you have been on a couple of dates and there is no sexual attration then this girl is friend material at best. It may be possible to throw look out the window if 1. looks are unimportant to you or 2. you are looking for a relationship without little or no sex ( some people call that a marriage ) but great compatibility otherwise - I'm assuming your answer is no No and No to those two statements.
OP are you looking for a girl with a beautiful face and a hot body?... is that realistic ? If you want a girl with a hot body you may need to start improving your own. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 7:28:51 AM | hearton 64
No,it's not fair to lead her on romantically, if you don't have any sexual attraction to her.Period.
Exactly my thoughts.
OP. The fact that you are asking this question shows that you are a decent guy. Yes, you have doubts but remember the woman has 'feelings'. Do the right thing for both of you. You know you will be drawn to another woman when she comes along. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 8:36:32 AM | Attraction and looks are two different things. Looks play a role in attraction, but that role varies from person to person.
If you are *n0t* attracted (the thought of sex with her is icky), then don't pursue it.
If you are like, well, yeah, I could see us having sex--then give it time. You could discover that attraction grows until you think she is really so sexy--because of the relationship, emotional and sexual.
You can also discover, over time, that the thought of having sex with her becomes icky. Time to move on!
In other words, there is a minimal threshold for attraction, and if it is just not there at all, and you actually feel repulsed, well, don't try to force it. Otherwise, it is worth exploring. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 8:40:38 AM | I wouldn't put too much stock in the stories about pretty, overweight women that ultimately lost weight and became knock outs. Greeneyes is an exception, statistically.
The fact is.....most people tend to gain weight as they get older, and if she is heavy now, she's more likely to become even heavier in the future. Besides, you never want to be in the position of trying to change someone else in order to be satisfied. Either you're into her as she is now, or you're doing both of a you a disservice. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 8:52:08 AM | I wouldn't put too much stock in the stories about pretty, overweight women that ultimately lost weight and became knock outs.... if she is heavy now, she's more likely to become even heavier in the future
I don't believe the OP mentioned anything about the girl being overweight. She could be very muscular for a woman and have arms twice the size of his, or have "the body of a young swedish boy" or look like Justin Beaber with long hair, make up and jewelry for all we know.
At the OP's age you never know what a woman will look like in 10 yrs. Some of the knockouts in university let themselves go and some of the late bloomers who take care of themselves end up being very attractive. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 9:14:55 AM |
I think she has a beautiful face but I don't know if its fair to try to continue out things if in the end I don't have enough physical draw towards her.
No, it is NOT FAIR to her at all.
Basically, if you give it a shot you're gambling with her feelings on whether or not you'll want to keep it going or bail.
How will she feel if you decide to bail ?
What will you say ?
" oops " ? | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 11:13:05 AM | The guy I fell the hardest for I was the least attracted to at the beginning. It's possible for attraction to grow over time. To be quite honest, I was quite repulsed by this guy upon first sight. (If it would have happened on the internet, no I never would have emailed him back.) But because it all occurred in real life, he had the opportunity to charm me and eventually he grew on me. Too bad he turned out to be the biggest jerk of them all!!!
So yes, it's possible for attraction to grow the more you get to know someone. I'd give it a shot - maybe 3 or 4 dates. Nothing more because if you're still on the fence by that point, it's probably not going anywhere.
I don't think that's being unfair to her. People date to get to know one another - otherwise everyone would be married after a first meet. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 11:38:33 AM | Hey O.P. I was looking at your pic on your profile ,WOW ,so this girl has a pretty face but your not into the rest of her? She could just as well say: ,,,oh nice body ,but I Am not digging his face,,
I bet you spend a ton of money on ProActive, IAm just saying......
Shallow is ,as Shallow dates... | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 12:10:45 PM | MetalVixxn
The guy I fell the hardest for I was the least attracted to at the beginning. It's possible for attraction to grow over time
More likely for a female. Women are more discerning in theoir choice of mate. My two sisters and my girlfriend are very good looking...they are attracted to fit guys but not necessarily good looking guys. We guys are fortunate...if we are fit, hygenic, respectful, etc. then we have a shot at winning over the woman of our dreams.
Guys are visual. There has to be physical attraction for the hormones to fire. That 'attraction' varies from guy to guy so women shouldn't lose self esteem if they don't spark one guy's intrerest. i can go 'ga ga' over a woman another guy goes 'meh'...and the reverse. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 12:11:26 PM | First off I like how everyone says she must be FAT cause he liked her face and not her body. Mind you the OP didn't mention what about her body he didn't like. It goes to both women and men shallow anyone??? Maybe she has other things about her body that are not that pretty lol. It does show that no matter what everyone says being fat is a big thing and yes pun is intended.
If you are not attracted to her then its a friend zone realy. Now do remember that she might be upset about it and you would be called a player and a user and other intresting names. Cause you went out on a few dates and then its a friend zone for her. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 12:33:36 PM | smhawk asked:
Is it possible to throw looks out the window?
TK responds: NO!
However, looks are but one factor that get tossed into the desirability equation. Think of physical attraction as a point on a spectrum. You have to ask yourself how wide is that space on the attractiveness spectrum and does this woman's dot fall withing that space. The same thing applies to behavior, intelligence, etc. Yes, there are some things that are automatic exclusionary traits, behaviors, etc. You need not excuse that personal predilection. We all have them. For instance the issue obesity has been speculated as the root issue. For others it is smoking, others it might be piercings, tattoos, and a recent thread has been reading.
But if the stumbling block is looks ask yourself what you are going to do when/if you ever find Ms. Perfect and in 30-40 years she doesn't quite have it any more. What then. Would you be willing to toss out what you do have over wrinkles, those few extra pounds, etc.
One of my pet bug-a-boos on this site is the fixation on perfection from the get go: certain looks, sexually experienced and versed in all the subtle moves from the Kama Sutra.
You have to decide what floats your boat. As for myself I discovered a long time ago how my boat floats: I do have a type, but it is a range. I've dated women that were as muscular as I, some mere wisps, some who trip over their own feet, and one whom I married who beat me on the tennis court yet I could lift her over my head. They all shared common traits, but none looked alike.
You know, it may just come down to asking yourself years down the line, when I open my eyes in the morning am I going to be joyful this woman finds pleasure in my company and we are a beautiful couple.
And something else, go back and read greeneyez's response. While you cannot change another person, people do change; if she is on your specrum how does she look with your eyes shut.
TK | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 1:00:33 PM |
Is it possible to throw looks out the window?
Yes i think so...
When people date based on looks..... their relationship will be solely based on each others looks. regardless of personality conflicts and lack of compatibility these idiots will be on and off for the sole purpose of physical attractiveness not compatibility nor common interests.
When people date based on chemistry.... their relationship will be great and based solely on chemistry and compatibility for each other. looks wouldn't matter to them much really. but they will happy.
Other people take their time getting to know someone who is compatible with them and are physically attracted to each other as well, think of it as a bonus hahaha. i believe IMO these types of relationships are the most successful. my advice is to take your time knowing someone. wait for their true colors to show and if you both are attracted to each other and have interests and things in common. it will be a lasting relationship.
but looks wise I'm not crazy over her or anything. By that I don't know if I'll have that much sexual attraction.
Take your time, take it slow to get to know her more then if you like her that much.
If not then let her down gently and move on. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/9/2012 8:50:49 PM | I met a man about a month ago. We talked on here and from his pictures, he wasn't my type. However, I enjoyed our conversation and agreed to meet for drinks. When I first saw him, I was not blown away. He wasn't my type. However, the conversation was even better in person. This guy is a great guy. We've had three dates now and I see him as one of the most attractive men I've met.
On the flip side, I have went out with men who are extremely handsome and it took me one day to see them as the ugliest person I have ever met.
Personality and chemistry carry a lot of weight.
But, with that being said, if you continue to see her and truly do not feel any chemistry, break it off. It'll spare her feelings and free you up to meet someone you are attracted to. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/12/2012 10:20:44 PM | | If you are even asking this question... then that means you are clearly not ready to push it aside.. it might take some people awhile before it doesn't bother them at all(maybe when they get older) .. I don't think it would be fair to her either if you were not sexually attracted to her.. if i knew that my bf felt that away about me i would not want to be with him. Women need to feel like their SO's are attracted to them. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/12/2012 10:41:39 PM | | if you're attracted to her, you're attracted to looks and personality, everyone's opinion of good looking differs, most of it comes down to being attracted to the whole package. if you're not attracted to the whole package, its' best to let her go. | |
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| Trying to not date someone based on looks...
Posted: 7/12/2012 10:42:17 PM | | Oh by the way.. i did date someone who i was not at all attracted to physically.. zero physical attraction.. i liked him and didn't want that to influence me wanting to be with him... after a few dates i did become romantically attracted to him.. but sexually it just didn't work. I could not get turned on at all. and I felt at the very young age i was that it would do no harm but it actually made me him feel bad about himself. I will not do that again. | |
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