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| | My 3 Year old Terror...Page 2 of 2 (1, 2) |
Now, it has been almost five months since she's passed away and she's left me a terror of a three year old.
SHE "left" you a TERROR?????? Really now.(I'm biting my tongue as I type)
excuse me barefootlkitten, but i have been doing everything i could possibly do with him since he has been born i was living with my grandmother for the first year of his life and she took complete control over him
Did your grandmother throw you in a closet and lock it the first year of YOUR son's life????? Just asking.
Doesn't matter who is alive, and who isn't alive when you have children. YOU, ARE the mother,and supposed parent. Sure, you may not have the skills because of YOUR upbringing,but I'm gonna tell you right now(for your kids sake), get some help. There are PLENTY of "parenting" help courses,classes, or whatever out there for people just like you. There never use to be,but, there is now. Go use em. And please, quit "blaming" your dead grandmother for your kid's actions. Seriously. Who are ya gonna blame in 5,10,15,20 years?????
Get help. They'll at least tell you the skills that you are lacking. What you do with that information is up to you.
Edit to add:
Maybe then, when both my kids got a lot older, i would consider adopting too.. i would love to give a needing child a home... but until they lighten it up a bit, a lot of kids are going to grow and die in boarding homes.. people are just too particular.
Did YOU write this post or was this your "friend" posting. I really bit my tongue in that other thread, but here, well, enough. DO NOT EVER "consider" adopting,until you get the skills you require to raise your OWN children please. For those "other kid's" sake. Okay?????
Holy moly macaroni. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/12/2012 7:08:34 PM | ^^^ I gave her a few words of encouragement and some advice, and am always open to helping parents with difficult children, being that I am quite very skilled in turning bad behavior in kids around to good behavior, with permanent results.
People that are downright nasty about children, have no children but seem obsessed with others children, and say downright hateful things about children and their parents, are the ones i would be afraid of being potential child-harmers, not parents going through a tough behavioral phase. | |
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Eri713
| | Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 28 | |
| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:41:24 AM | OP, I agree about having him tested for food allergies. I know several people who experienced much of what you are experiencing with your son, and it turned out to be food allergies. Certainly worth considering.
ADHD is a MYTH.................I have a masters degree in psychology and forensic to define my point!
I have a master's degree in clinical psychology. ADHD is NOT a myth. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:54:38 AM | If the child is as unruly as you say then if someone is just looking after him temporarily they are not going to enforce all these rules so he can throw things around and scream a lot.
You cannot blame other people because they way I would look at it is that the child has discipline issues and I am not his parent so I am not going to start the major work of disciplining him if his own parents cannot.
They are just going to give him what he wants so as to not cause a whole scene. Perhaps you need to limit the time he spends with these enablers, whoever they are. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/16/2012 10:12:58 AM | Awesome, blaming your dead granny for your kids behavior.
I would suggest both you and your husband take a parenting class, it sounds to me as if neither of you has the slightest clue how to raise kids.
Your son needs exercise and better socialization. Throwing him in a stroller is not the solution, he needs to run off all that energy every day just like a puppy does. Take him out every day for a few hours to a park and let him loose. Shopping malls, department stores etc are not fun for kids. Pre school is fine but do you really want to spend the rest of your life averting your problem and thrusting it on others?
Secondly, get rid of all the junk food in the house and tell your mom, Aunts friends etc that only YOU will feed your child. No more crap to eat before dinner. And what about your husband? Is he blind and deaf when it come to the kids? When does he get a chance to parent them? One of you has to take on the role of alpha dog.
If your relatives complain then tell them that you will be unable to hang out anymore. You have allowed too many people to influence how you raise your kid.
Grow up. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/16/2012 1:51:25 PM | angel--I like to call the two's terrific and three's terrible. My son had some behavioral issues when he was that age (I don;t recall them being as extreme as what you are experiencing, but we all feel differently about certain behaviors as we experience them). Every adult in my family tried to step in and offer out advice, if not, attempt to take control over my son. Everyone had their ideas or "when you wer growing up" or "my mom used to beat me with a switch and I turned out great..." I'm not into punishment and times have changed over the years--new tecniques and such; so I sought out a pyschologist. What I found was a center that offered a combination of different techniques from 2 different disciplines. The place was called "The Parent & Child Interaction Center." I must be honest and tell you that it was an eye opening experience. Especially when I realized that half the problem was with my inability to follow through and stay consistant. That doesn't mean that is your case, but it is half the problem with many others' situation. I realized, with the help of this type of interaction, that I had to buckle down and change some of the ways I presented myself to son (which was REALLY hard to come to terms with, along with training myself to do because being a fulltime working single mom can be rough, especailly when it comes to time management). I saw a difference in my son's behavior almost instantly with just changing 3 things: 1. Making my statements commands verses phrasing them as questions, but starting & ending with Please & thank you.
2. setting aside one-on-one play time where my son ran the show--here I let him make all the choses and decisions, I never asked a questions or gave commands, and I always commented on everything with positive words like "Awesome Job building that lego castle" or "I love all the pretty colors you used to make that drawing of our home." and
3. Repeating the things he asked me and said back to him in casual statements. Obviously there was way more than those things for correcting my son's behavior issues, but after I actively started doing these things regualrly--everything started to change fast and for the better. I realize that every child is different and has different needs--but this place is able to cater and assist in and with all senarios and cases. I highly recommend it. My son is almsot 8 now and I still use most of the tecniques I learned from this therapy.
I can message you the website and if you are interested you might call and see if they are networked or know of any similar places in your area. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:54:44 PM | Try the Feingold diet. Google it, or buy the book. Your pediatrician should have info on it as well.
It works wonders for some kids with ADHD or on the autism spectrum. It is a super strict diet, but many, including myself, have seen results for the better. It doesnt work for everyone, but worth trying. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/17/2012 4:18:20 AM | he is probably anxious, unsettled, everyting has changed and .. well he is 3..
First you need to decide a decent way to deal with his behaviour.
You get to choose what works best.. from a wide variety of methods that can be found from good parenting rescources.
Then stick to it.
The amount of mums who whine that "they tried everything" but have not even attempted to stick with a routine or stick to the guildines.. and wonder why it fails..
If you say no desert if the vegies are not eaten then DO IT. Dont cave in later on. Simply throw the vegies out and throw desert out too.
If you make a threat.. make it the sort of threat you CAN and WILL carry out. So make it reasonable and workable.
no TV for a year is clearly unreasonable and you wont be able to carry it thru. Your WORD is your honour. Don't lie to your children, they wont ever beleive you in time. If you say you will do something.. then bloody well do it.
If you say 20 mins in time out. Then do it. not 30 seconds.
Check the additives in food. Many additives make bad behaviour worse.... sugar, colourants the works. Processed food makes kids brats... and they get wrongly diagnised with ADHD
ASD.. my nephew is autistic. clearly he is special but not ever once has he been a badly behaved brat... he has odd behaviour but never naughty.
Good luck and be firm, loving, prasie the positives and allow him the chances to be positive...
even he pulls your arm to show you a picture he drew.. stop blogging/playing WOW and give 50 seconds of attention... that will satisfy him to play independanty for another 20 mins lol
Plenty of fresh air, walks to the park and interactive playtime.
Really really really cut back processed foods, I cannnnot tell you how insidious some of the addatives in foods can make kids crazy, vanilla flavoured ice cream, cookies, coloured candy.. just sets them off.
Fresh fruit and veg and if you make the food you get to decide what goes in it
Good luck | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/17/2012 9:16:16 PM | How much time do you spend with him? I don't mean i'm home and he's home.. I mean actual time. Do you and his father take him out and help him expend his energy? I used to have my son run around the house after meal time. Either i'd race him or I'd have him race the dog. Otherwise he was too full of energy to wind down for bedtime. Play catch, go to the lake or the pool. Leave if he misbehaves and use it as a reward for good behavior. Start small. It's not rocket science.. I used to make frozen fruit pops (lowfat or greek yogurt blended with fresh fruit and frozen with a stick in it) and used them as rewards. Healthy and he thought it was a goodie.
That Feingold diet works too. It's easy too. My son is not ADD or Austism and it helped him when we went through some rough patches. Look at the food you're giving your child. Is home cook healthy wholesome food? Or store bought full of sugar (anything that ends is "ose" on the label is sugar) , full of salt and chemicals wanna be food? If your child is naturally energetic then giving him sugary foods will not help matters. Half my son's plate is comprised of veggies and he has to eat all of them or he can't leave the table. The other half houses whatever else we are having with dinner. I never have to argue with him about this he always eats all his "greens". No only is this healthy it provides good calories and he'll get full and won't be starving for a popsicle. Limit snacks to dessert or once a day. My child can have fruit whenever he wants it or veggies or cereal (not sugar cereal look at the labels, you'll be shocked!), but can only have sweets once a day.. and more often then not he's too full from dinner .
Get a bedtime routine, a going to the store routine in place and follow it every time. Let him help you grocery shop. Let him pick out the apples to buy or find the bananas. Even if he can't reach them, he can see them and put him on a leash. Tell him you need help finding the spaghetti.
My son can get overwhelmed by his surroundings and need a time out.. (and no he's no add or autistic) .. it's my job to recognize that he's at that point and facilitate it for him. I would learn his cues and try to remove him from the situation before he blew up, so he could be alone and calm down. Usually that worked to.. he's older now, but he still needs those time outs occasionally.. but he is learning to recognize when he needs them himself and doing it on his own.
My previous post still stands. You need to do all those things and then you need to start investigating new different ways of curbing your child's behavior. Because 3 or not.. it's really not ok.. but he need you to teach him that.. constructively. | |
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Eri713
| | Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 35 | |
| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:11:23 AM | Do not "reward" him until he behaves. Instead of taking away, maybe tell him what he will get if he behaves. Like if you behave we can get ice cream, if you do not there will be no ice cream.
I agree 100%. The only thing I would suggest is that instead of using the word "behave", because that doesn't mean anything to a three year old, tell him specifically what you expect of him. For example, "if you are nice to your brother today, you can have an ice cream after dinner." Then every time you see that he is being nice to his brother, reinforce that with something like "wow, you're being nice to your brother, great job buddy." That way you're also reminding him to continue being nice (three year olds do tend to forget quickly, especially if it's a long period of time like a whole day that you expect a certain behavior) without actually saying "remember to be nice to your brother if you want ice cream." Then when he gets his ice cream (hopefully he will), tell him again what a great job he did being nice to his brother and how proud you are of him.
Don't say "if you don't do...., then you can have." You want to keep everything positive.
YMMV, but my personal pet peeve is when parents say "good girl" or "good boy". Those phrases are about you as a person. Who you are. Obviously, we want them to be good, but what you're trying to reinforce is positive behavior. So "good job" connotes behavior. What he does, vs. who he is. The other pet peeve I have is the word punishment. I just don't like that word. I use, especially now that he's 16, consequences. Every action has a natural consequence. So what works for me now is, for example, "if I have to tell you one more time to turn off your computer, your consequence is no computer for XXX days." But you need to tell him upfront what the consequence will be and make it "fit the crime."
Of course, you don't want to reward him with ice cream (or any other junk food) all the time, so another good idea is to make a reward chart. Each time he achieves a goal, like being nice to his brother that day, he gets a sticker on the chart. Then, when he earns X amount of stickers (don't make it too many, maybe six to start with), he can have a special ice cream or whatever you decide it to be. Definitely something he would love, maybe a Hotwheels car or something. Don't always give him the same thing, otherwise, it will stop meaning much to him. Try to make most of the goals very short term. For example, if you don't scream in the store, you will get a sticker (well, I used the "don't" but I guess sometimes that's the best way to put it, but use it sparingly.) Trust me, the little ones love those stickers. Let him put the stickers on his chart. As he gets better at earning his stickers, increase the amount he needs to get. You can even let him pick out the stickers that you'll use. Keep him part of the process as much as you can.
As for the soup on the walls. Can you designate an area on a wall in his room that he is allowed to draw on? He can make his own art. There is also a paint that when it dries becomes a chalkboard. You could paint a section of his wall into a chalkboard.
"Hey, look buddy, here is a special wall that you get to draw on." Unless it's the chalkboard, let him use crayons, markers, paint, even soup if he wants - he has to ask for that one lol, but he'll know that it's okay and he won't get in trouble, and of course, you'd praise everything he drew. Turn it into an art center or something. Put the crayons in a bucket, etc. Let him help you set it up. Walls can always be repainted later. I know someone who let her daughter use all of the walls in her room as her canvas. Of course the girl was older, and drew and painted hearts and things like that, but the idea is the same.
Also, don't expect miracles right off the bat. What works today may not work tomorrow. The other trick is for you to try and remain calm in front of him while dealing with all of this, even when he's misbehaving and even if you feel like you want to scream. Yelling at him isn't productive, especially for a three year old.
If you need to say no about something, try saying (as calmly as you can), for example, it's not okay to hit the dog, and then pick him up and move him away from the dog. Instead of no, don't hit the dog. He may try and run back to the dog and try to hit him again, but you just repeat the process, or put the dog outside lol. He'll test you to see if you follow through and are consistent.
There were some times when I gave my son a time-out, I would actually sit with him - on the couch, but not engage him. Just sit there. If he tried to crawl on my lap, I would just pick him up and sit him down again saying this is time out and you have to sit here for x more minutes. Then when time-out was over, I'd hug him and say time-out is over. Good job. I didn't sit with him all the time, but I would keep my eye on him. If he got up, I'd just pick him up again and sit him on the couch, without saying a word. They eventually get it. Trust me, I've had my trials and tribulations, and more so now because he's 16, and things I chose to do didn't always work. You just have to keep trying.
I know you're at your wits end, but you can do it. It's definitely worth it. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/19/2012 6:56:43 AM | | This is just why no one should have kids Until they are married or finacialy stable. If you have neither one then abortion or adoption is an option. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/22/2012 2:46:48 PM | First of all please stop blaming grandma for this. Many kids learn that different homes/people have different rules and they can adjust with reminders. And whatever grandma did, you knew about it and didn't successfully stop it. So first step admit your guilt/involvement in this problem.
Second talk to his doctor, there might be an issue such as lead poisoning, adhd, autism, or other developmental delay causing some of these problems. You can decide not to medicate him, but atleast you'll be better able to make a behavior plan if you know there is a medical cause.
Third preschool won't fix him...He'll adjust as in #1 and do well there, but not with you OR he'll be bad there and they'll kick him out.
So if he has a medical issue research it, find support groups, and learn how to cope. Either way I suggest reading any of the Becky Baily (Bailey) info you can get. She rights many books about conscious discipline, has a website and all....The point is that you need to be aware of how your discipline strategies affect his behavior. And to be aware of what strategies to use so that you aren't reacting by yelling or smacking when what you really need is to explain why he isn't beeing safe. Oh it also explains natural consequences such as "you threw your soup that tells me you aren't hungry, now help me clean it, here is the rag" and don't feed him again till dinner. OR "you threw your soup, would you like to throw a ball, ok but first we have to clean the mess"
While you work on that...make a list of unsafe behaviors and make a safety plan. If he runs away in parking lots then he holds your hand, or whatever. You have to ensure his safety as priority. | |
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| My 3 Year old Terror...
Posted: 7/25/2012 1:25:45 PM | Sorry, OP, but I completely agree with barefootkitten...
i have been doing everything i could possibly do with him since he has been born i was living with my grandmother for the first year of his life and she took complete control over him. heck, i wasn't even aloud to pick him up out of the bassinet when he was a few months old because "he was trying to sleep" despite him being wide awake laying there. but when SHE wanted to pick him up or talk to him at 4 in the morning during a feeding it was okay.
That's just crap. I don't know WHY you were living with the grandma... or why you felt no control of your own child.
In my own case, I had my mother-in-law living with us on and off for the first few years of my kids lives, but it was my home and I never felt obligated to follow her orders (nor did she give any). I also never told her how to treat my sons. She was the grandmother... they are supposed to spoil, not parent.
I know 'cause I'm the grandmother now ;)
I understand having a difficult time with a toddler, but really try not to blame anyone else. Some kids are more difficult, or maybe there are other issues effecting him.
Try family counseling. I think it will help you all.
Best of luck. | |
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