| | How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?Page 2 of 2 (1, 2) | I don't think you can be open to love and protect your heart at the same time. It's a contradiction.
I've spent most of my life protecting my heart and not letting anyone closer then I wanted them to get, thinking that it would mean I couldn't get hurt. It doesn't actually work very well. What happens, is you choose someone who is also emotionally unavailable thinking that means that they won't demand emotional commitment from you - instead of having a relationship, you end up with a transaction. The other scenario is that you choose people who are so emotionally giving, they are needy which crowds you and creates resentment on your part. Either way, it always ends up in a train wreck and although it means you don't get hurt to the extent others might, it also means you miss out on the sheer joy that having an open heart allows. I have always been able to separate logic from emotion which is great when needing to make a decision however, I now think that the ability to do that allows for the default survival mode of 'F You' which kicks in to protect me from getting hurt. I have always been able to see the good in people too and I have always had great empathy for others but to let someone really close to you, it needs more then that. You need to be able to trust yourself. And when you make a wrong decision, you need to be able to forgive yourself and simply take the lesson vs taking the lesson but not forgiving yourself for making the wrong judgement as that just re-enforces that wall.
Over the last 5 or so years, I have finally been able to see that this is a habit of mine and it took seeing that in my own child for me to understand and acknowledge that is a legacy I passed on and it's not the best one to own.
I don't think I'll ever be the type who can throw caution to the wind and jump into the depths of anything without some level of deep thought but I have slowly removed the wall I put in place and I'm proud of having been able to do that.
I have a quote on the wall inside my house which says "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." I placed it there about 4 years ago when I realized that not once have I yet experienced one of those moments and that's not because I haven't had the opportunity but because I have been too busy protecting myself to feel it.
Over the years I've repeatedly heard my friends comment that I am one of the most intelligent people they know but I always make incredibly stupid choices with the men I get into relationships with. - I think now, that is because I have intentionally chosen those who would not hold me accountable for being detached emotionally.
When we know better, we do better. I now know I have been my own biggest obstacle and I own that fully. If there is a next time for me, I won't repeat the same mistakes again. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:14:34 AM | Anything worth having is worth taking a risk for...
You do need an open heart to find love, but don't forget to keep your eyes open as well.
This will minimize, but not completely erase any heart ache. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:57:10 AM | There is an old joke about how if a mind is too open, it falls out :)
Its good to have an openness because you want to see new things. Its not so beneficial to be open because you need things you could be giving to yourself. You tend to be closed to other things--namely, red flags.
you need to see what is really there, not what you need. Forget looking for the athletic, intelligent men--that's not an automatic characteristic of a good person. In fact, most people confuse cunning for intelligence--the easy rule is, cunning people waste their time figuring out how to overcome those who have done them wrong, while the intelligent person just moves on to better things.
sex is not a currency, it won't buy you a thing. if you have sex for the sake of having sex, then you aren't ever let down (well, unless it sucks, but the first kiss tells you if it'll be good or rushed). but if you want sex to give you something other than pleasure in return, and you don't get that thing in return after you've "invested" sex in a person, then...you feel let down.
relationships are about one thing--sharing. not acquiring, not getting, but sharing. bring that to the table, you'll recognize easily a person who acts just like you do--and thus, you shall have a satisfying relationship. that'll be your boundary with men. a relationship is not a trade ,its a sharing of you and them. learn about yourself, and then you'll know what it is that you are sharing. when you meet a stranger and they don't seem to know what they are sharing--or just aren't letting you in--you instantly know you hit your barrier.
when you only share, there is no longer a need to protect your heart. you're sharing it, but never giving it away...until you "decide" to give it to one person, which is about the time you realize you can't share it as much with anyone else but this person. that's when they "complete you", by letting you be more of yourself, never limiting. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 11:17:13 AM |
So how do you keep an open mind and protect your heart at the same time? I’m thinking I need to have better boundaries with men, slow the process down and ask better questions. I feel a bit beat up by the dating process.
Boundaries are key. I don't believe anyone who tells me sex too early is a deal-breaker. I got married a year after second-date-sex. So clearly, sex early on wasn't an issue in that relationship. I've had way more success having sex earlier than later in new situations. The difference may be that I rarely meet early in the "getting to know you" process. It takes months if not longer to get me off email/phone/text before I feel comfortable meeting. By then? I generally know where that person stands on sex, life, love, loss and all in between. There is no easy answer. You can wait for months for sex, get emotionally attached and find out there is absolutely no sexual chemistry and then you're heart is involved and your body is saying, "WTH have I gotten myself into here?" And that just sucks. I think it's easier to be somewhere in the middle. There's a fine line between knowing someone well enough to have sex and having sex in order to get to know someone. Only you can determine what boundaries work for you! JMO  | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 11:37:37 AM | I haven't read all of the posts.
When I initially started dating last year I was of the mind set to be "open minded and protect my heart". It didn't work.
What I've come to understand is that dating is a risk....a leap of faith. That while I am very discerning I have no control over the potential deceptions (this is what bothers me the most with dating) I do however have control over how I view these deceptions and how I respond to them. Initially, I was genuinely wound up by it, now I try to let it go.
I can't 'protect my bruised heart" all I can do is acknowledge it and take it into account as I navigate new experiences. How do you determine when that 'protection of your heart' becomes a barrier to the spontaneity of new emotional depths?
I have been single for a couple of years now, so I feel absolutely fine in taking the time to figure out if I am compatible with someone or not. Really, another 6 months or year is not that big of a deal. I trust myself. If something appears to be going in one direction and then it stops...so be it. It's an experience. Something presumably in the moment that was gratifying and meaningful, why not feel good for that. Why negate the experience if it doesn't unfold into some preconceived notion of how it should be. That's like saying my 10 year relationship was a waste because the last 6 months were awful. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 11:44:09 AM | Just came across an appropo quote I wrote down, maybe from Anna Quindlen's latest book? Not sure.
Any way it goes something like this<'We all know about safe sex, but there's no such thing as safe love.' | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 12:00:43 PM | You fell for his personality, not his character. You attributed traits to him that he did not possess, and you did so because you made the assumption that if he was so great to be around, he must be a great person. False logic.
Enjoy someone's great personality and the fun it is to be around them. Have great sex. Just do not assume that EITHER of those things is any indicator of what a person truly is--in terms of honor, integrity, etc.
You protect your heart by keeping your eyes open and observing over a significant period of time, whether or not their actions match their words, without you having to rationalize or justify the behavior to make it so. You recognize the person's faults and decide if you can really give your heart to someone with those particular faults. You do so while recognizing that you are happy alone and giving up your freedom requires some pretty big incentives. You remember the other person is doing the same (if it is a dating scenario that lasts more than a half-dozen dates).
I'm sorry you feel betrayed, and hope that next time you can just take things for what they are--fun, etc.--until enough time and opportunities for evaluating someone lead you to conclude you can trust him to have your interests at heart. Before that, it's all just an adventure in learning about each other. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 8:15:47 PM | interesting question and replies.
only i don't get this: (sorry i don't know how to box the posts that i want to quote)
>>if you enjoyed the sex, then you both got the same thing out of it. If not, don't try to trade sex for a relationship. Only have sex if all you expect to get out of it is sex. If that isn't enough, then don't have sex. <<
this completely astounds me! are we saying that one has sex for sex's sake? or just because it feels good? because i am thinking that sex is part of a loving relationship. am i out of touch? i mean, i enjoy physical pleasure as much as anyone but having sex with someone solely for that purpose..just sucks. we don't need to involve another person for that. that's what self pleasuring is for. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 8:56:45 PM | This is an age old question and there are no perfect answers.
Never, never have sex unless you want to and feel like you
Are ready and are sure, that you feel like
this is the person you want, rather than, you want somebody and they happened to be available.
I think people try to rush things along too fast and then go through all this mental confusion about sex, rather than spend the time getting to know the person
Enough to not be confused.
You make the rules, not jumping right away eliminates the players, because they will go play someplace else.
I personally like the anticipation of letting something simmer.
I think courtship is part of the building blocks of a relationship. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:10:14 PM | Every person you meet for a potential relationship is a role of the dice. There is no way to protect your heart, because from experience we can't help who we fall in love with. Keeping an open mind is easy, not being cynical is harder.
So you just have to take that risk, role that dice....sometimes you come out with 7's and sometimes you come out with a broken heart. But my philosophy is, every one that ends is obviously because he wasn't the right one. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:31:05 PM | | I would try the 3 date rule. Go on 3 dates if you have sex within those 3 dates it wont work out, but if it does work out that you dont have sex and you enjoy the persons company after the 3 dates just take it slow. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:20:29 PM |
50+ woman asking question that would seemingly come for woman half your age.
I don't believe this is necessarily true. I don't know how new the OP is to the dating scene, but I, myself was married for 22 years before entering that scene again. Things are quite different now than when we were younger, especially online dating, which didn't exist. Having been single now for 4 years, I am just beginning work on how to set my boundaries when dating. It's not that simple when you haven't dated in a very long time. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/16/2012 9:39:26 AM | ">>if you enjoyed the sex, then you both got the same thing out of it. If not, don't try to trade sex for a relationship. Only have sex if all you expect to get out of it is sex. If that isn't enough, then don't have sex. >>
>>>Do people have sex just for the sake of pleasure? Yes, they do. And sometimes its perfectly normal, honest, healthy, etc. maybe its the person coming out of a sexless marriage, or a FWB, or whatever reason a person simply doesn't "want the strings". Plenty of women complain about the guy who had sex and left, so it does happen often. and sometimes its not done for the healthiest of reasons, either--a person is a player in order to fill that empty black hole in their sense of self, etc.
sex can also be a medium thru which two people share a good time together. but considering all the pleasures that come from sex, its a temptation to have it...and i personally wouldn't think someone wants to love me just b/c they grab my ass at work. Its what happens OUTSIDE the bedroom, that lets me know they respect me, want my company even when the pleasure of sex isn't there (but the pleasure of my company is), et cetera.
just like an "office husband" or "office wife" exists. without the sex (obviously) there is the intimacy of someone who understands you, who wants to help you shine at work, wants to have lunch with you, etc. its a medium thru which to express being a human being rather than just an "oxygen stealer".
i know for some people, the idea that sex doesn't automatically mean love is a hard one to swallow, but the people complaining about it reveals it to be a bad idea. look for everything else, that's a clue the person respects you as a person AND loves what they see (not always the same thing, check out all the questions here about someone's partner who mistreats them, but they want to know if this person loves them. who cares if there's love, if there's disrespect? someone may love you yet not be mature enough to treat themselves--and thus you--with respect. so do you stay disrespected, in order to get a smidgen of love, or do you move on to someone who gives you both? | |
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pfif
| | Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 41 | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/17/2012 2:42:43 AM | ok thats a new one, " rub one before a date" so i am assuming that means masturbate prior to a date..hmm isn't that true of men also....I am 51 and new to the dating game, and boy its not the 80's anymore. I have yet to go on a real date, have had some real eye opening chats..
I am learning from these forums and I greatly appreciate the advise that is given to other OP's...
I am learning to set boundaries and respecting the men who, don't go there...do not constantly refer to sex or make sexual innuendo comments..
So please be patient with us older individuals that are coming out of long marriages, and entering the dating world, I didn't date in high school and married the 3rd man I slept with so...not so much experience with the animal called "man". But having read this thread it appears to me that again men and women think differently when it comes to sex and I have been trying to change my mind set regarding sexual relationships, that it is sex only and that it is not necessarily a commitment... | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/26/2012 11:17:11 AM | Treat sex as just that - sex. Cut and dry. Nothing else.
Best way to protect your heart is not to open it too much. If all you want is sex, do not equate sex with a potential relationship - DO NOT. I've made this mistake before and will not do it again. Know what you want and stay within those boundaries. Maybe discuss this with your date if you're comfortable with it so he/she knows where you're coming from to avoid getting burned in the future.
If a girl I slept with just vanished afterward, I wouldn't be too hurt if I knew I was just looking for sex. If I was looking for more and implied sex was going to lead to more, I would be hurt. Know what you want going in before you, well, go in :) | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/26/2012 1:23:32 PM | There is no way to get emotionally close to another living thing, without taking the chance of getting hurt. And eventually - even if the relationship lasts for whatever duration - it WILL end, and there WILL be tears.
Part of life and love - all of which is a gamble !
"Everything we want , is on the other side of fear" . GO FOR IT anyway , it's worth it ! | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/26/2012 1:57:14 PM | Hello. Please be fussy, and keep the faith. I've just had a date with a guy who related how far he had traveled to how much loving he should receive! They are a different species, but not all of them are awful.
BE FUSSY!! it's an attractive quality...
Best wishes and stay special. | |
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