Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 176
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?Page 8 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

I think the one who asks is taking the risk of having their offer refused, their invitation declined, their request for a date rejected, etc.


You just said the exact same thing three ways. :)


The one who is receiving the invitation doesn't have to take those risks.


Right….THOSE risks. There are risks a woman assumes by accepting (or possibly, by declining) an offer, invitation, or request from a man. Of course some men probably don’t take that into consideration while worrying over his own ego.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 177
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/11/2013 4:40:52 PM
You just said the exact same thing three ways. :)

You're right. That's correct. It is so. :)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 178
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/11/2013 6:58:53 PM
There are risks a woman assumes by accepting (or possibly, by declining) an offer, invitation, or request from a man.

Sure. She risks having a taste of the back of his hand if she declines in the wrong way. ;) Kidding, kidding, kidding!

In all honesty, you're right, but they're different types of risks. But to a much much smaller degree, and a different, lesser one, assuming she's cool about it. Nobody likes to decline an offer, because nobody likes to have their offer rejected. But it's different "pain", and it's a Given, not a Risk. The risk is how upset he'll be, or fear of him possibly over-reacting (which is really low if she's cool about it).

But that's one reason why many women (and men) will lie and lead people on. They don't like hurting anyone's feelings. So they end up hurting their feelings in the end worse... but they don't have to deal with it in the now. They avoid the risk of the guy's reaction being a big downer or wacky, yes, but it's more about the Given that he won't like it and they'd prefer to avoid that altogether.

Just like a guy's risk isn't that she'll flip out and laugh in his face. Sure, there's that risk, but really the risk he's concerned about is whether she'll genuinely accept or deny. Whether the guy will feel rejected at some level? That's a given.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 179
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/11/2013 9:13:29 PM

I am too old to play childish games.


+1.


Sure, there's that risk, but really the risk he's concerned about is whether she'll genuinely accept or deny. Whether the guy will feel rejected at some level? That's a given.


Not always a given Confident-Realist. If I ask a woman out and she is not interested, my feelings are not hurt and I don't feel rejected.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 180
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 5:59:12 AM

The only man who comes on too strong is the WRONG MAN. IMO. I love an assertive, confident man. Coyness doesn’t impress me. I’d chew that guy up and spit him right out.


I don’t know who the hypothetical guy is at whom your contempt was directed, nor do I know what you consider chewing a person up and spitting them out. I can only say that it sounds abusive.


I am too old to play childish games.


Why is it a childish game when a man takes his time, but not when a woman does it?
 SWEET_MAVERICK
Joined: 9/28/2013
Msg: 181
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 7:54:15 AM

I am too old to play childish games.


Why is it a childish game when a man takes his time, but not when a woman does it?


It's a childish game either way.
I don't play that.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 182
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 8:52:36 AM

It's a childish game either way.
I don't play that.


Disagree. People do not interact with others in an identical manner. The fact that it's not what you prefer does not make it childish.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 183
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 10:37:22 AM
CR:
Sure. She risks having a taste of the back of his hand if she declines in the wrong way. ;) Kidding, kidding, kidding!


Careful who you mess with…..you never know what she could be packing. :)


But it's different "pain", and it's a Given, not a Risk. The risk is how upset he'll be, or fear of him possibly over-reacting (which is really low if she's cool about it).


Whoa, whoa, whoa. No no no. SHE is not responsible for HIS behavior.

You are assuming that I mean her risk is rejecting him. Not necessarily….if she accepts an offer from a strange man she doesn’t know from the next guy….her risks are just beginning. That’s why I only date men I’ve met previously.

Some guys seem to think every woman welcomes being approached by strange men; some of us DO NOT.

Your example above……”her risk (of his retaliation) is really low IF she’s cool about it….” Who wants to put up with that?? No thanks.

Paderic:
I don’t know who the hypothetical guy is at whom your contempt was directed, nor do I know what you consider chewing a person up and spitting them out. I can only say that it sounds abusive.


Oh FFS. Must I explain that I don’t mean I would LITERALLY chew a man up and spit him out. That’s incredibly wasteful. If you are unfamiliar with that expression, oh well!

Where are you seeing contempt? I suppose you’ve never encountered the wrong woman and simply cannot relate to a man being the WRONG MAN for a woman…..?? Most of them are.

How bout this…..if a woman likes the man who approaches her, he cannot come on too strong for her. She will welcome it. Now, conversely, if a woman doesn’t like the man who approaches her, whatever he does will be considered coming on too strong, simply because she doesn’t WANT him to approach her.

And….of course I mean SOME women and SOME men. EYEROLL.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 184
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 10:54:05 AM

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No no no. SHE is not responsible for HIS behavior.


I have to disagree with you on this. To a certain extent she is responsible for his bahavior by how she accepts or rejects him. Just because society today thinks no one has to take any responsibilty or ownership for their actions or words does not make it right.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 185
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 11:29:07 AM

I have to disagree with you on this.


Well that’s fine but you’re wrong. Just kidding, of course. (Ish.)


To a certain extent she is responsible for his bahavior by how she accepts or rejects him. Just because society today thinks no one has to take any responsibilty or ownership for their actions or words does not make it right.


What…..? You just said what I said, except you seem to think SHE needs to accept responsibility for HIM? Why should *I* take “ownership” of ANYone’s behavior other than my own?

Please give me an example of what she could do that would justify any kind of bad behavior from him.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 186
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 11:41:46 AM
Oh FFS. Must I explain that I don’t mean I would LITERALLY chew a man up and spit him out. That’s incredibly wasteful. If you are unfamiliar with that expression, oh well!


I'm very familiar with the expression, nor did I take it literally. Where I come from, it's used to describe something done willfully with malice.


Where are you seeing contempt? I suppose you’ve never encountered the wrong woman and simply cannot relate to a man being the WRONG MAN for a woman…..?? Most of them are.


I see contempt in the pejorative terms used to describe the WRONG MEN for YOU.


How bout this…..if a woman likes the man who approaches her, he cannot come on too strong for her. She will welcome it. Now, conversely, if a woman doesn’t like the man who approaches her, whatever he does will be considered coming on too strong, simply because she doesn’t WANT him to approach her.


LOL, that isn't the portion of your paragraph I took issue with.

You seem to prefer more impulsive men. I would suggest that less impulsive men are not necessarily lacking in the balls department, nor are they playing childish games like someone else has suggested. They are just less impulsive than you like.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 187
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 12:24:33 PM
It's a childish game either way.
I don't play that.


Men with options have the luxury of taking their time, versus being impulsive. They are not necessarily playing games---IF they're multi-dating, they might not get around to asking a woman out right away, because they have more than one woman vying for their attention. Think George Clooney.

Because there are fewer desirable men in my age group (50+) than there are women, as I've gotten older, I've found it necessary to be more proactive with respect to dating than I was in my twenties and thirties. That meant sometimes taking the initiative and asking out a man that interested me, rather than waiting around or hinting for him to ask me out. Life's too short for that "rules" nonsense.
 nyceguy85
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 188
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 12:24:53 PM
Lets not be silly. Most women dont ask men out on dates for one of two reasons. Either they are afraid of rejection or they fear that asking him out makes them look desperate. Well, alotta men feel the same way. No man wants to be the ego boost for a woman who is looking to turn a man down to make herself feel worthy of attention. But since men are put in the position where they have to be the first to approach a woman, many men use discretion when talking to women.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 189
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 12:30:22 PM

you seem to think SHE needs to accept responsibility for HIM? Why should *I* take “ownership” of ANYone’s behavior other than my own?


HER behavior will determine, in most cases but not all, HIS behavior. For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.

Who we are and our behavior is determined daily by the words and actions of other people, so we are all responsible for the behavior of others. It is then the responsibility of the individual, you and I and everyone else, on how they behave/act/react. Or not. Even YOU not wanting to take ownership for the behavior of others must have come from somewhere, perhaps from the behavior of others towards you.


Please give me an example of what she could do that would justify any kind of bad behavior from him.


Her bad behavior, laughing in his face for an example, could justify any kind of bad behavior from him..?
 SWEET_MAVERICK
Joined: 9/28/2013
Msg: 190
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 12:31:50 PM

In online forums, women tend to say emphatically they want this, that, and the other. But then they turn around and behave the exact opposite in the real world

THIS is the childish game

say you want one thing, but do something else! If I like a man I like him...if I don't I won't lead him on just to toy w/ him so I could reject him.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 191
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 1:15:56 PM
THIS is the childish game

say you want one thing, but do something else! If I like a man I like him...if I don't I won't lead him on just to toy w/ him so I could reject him.


That's not exactly what I meant. I was alluding to an observation that in online forums, a majority of women seem to say they prefer some arbitrary behavior. In the real world, however, the majority seems to reject that same behavior.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 192
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 6:04:16 PM

Lets not be silly. Most women dont ask men out on dates for one of two reasons. Either they are afraid of rejection or they fear that asking him out makes them look desperate.


You forgot number three….she doesn’t have to. :D


Who we are and our behavior is determined daily by the words and actions of other people, so we are all responsible for the behavior of others…


That’s a (crazy) fatalist attitude I do not agree with at all. That sounds like a little boy blaming his sister for whatever he did and saying “she started it.” I would hope most people in childhood learned to be responsible for his/her OWN behavior.

I guess if I ever get arrested I’ll just tell them it’s your fault and you’ll take my punishment, eh?

You know by accepting responsibility for yourself, you also get to take credit for the good stuff.


Her bad behavior, laughing in his face for an example, could justify any kind of bad behavior from him..?


Hm. Does that mean you think if she laughs in his face, it’s her fault if he should punch her? Stab her? Strangle her? Call her nasty names? Stalk her? Etc.?


I see contempt in the pejorative terms used to describe the WRONG MEN for YOU.


I’m getting bored playing ring around the rosy with you....could you be more specific, or is me saying a man is the WRONG MAN for me pejorative and/or contemptible to you? It’s nothing personal, ya know.


You seem to prefer more impulsive men


No. I prefer strong, assertive, confident men….men who can’t be chewed up and spit out by me. Strong, assertive and confident aren’t synonymous with “impulsive.”
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 193
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 6:42:34 PM

That’s a (crazy) fatalist attitude I do not agree with at all. That sounds like a little boy blaming his sister for whatever he did and saying “she started it.” I would hope most people in childhood learned to be responsible for his/her OWN behavior.


Well that’s fine but you’re wrong. Just kidding, of course. (Ish.) You only wish most people learned to be responsible for his/her OWN behavior because there is a good chance that his sister was the one who "started it." As for the people who have learned from childhood to be responsible, would that not be learned from the behavior of others..?
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 194
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 8:12:46 PM
Sorry, have to call b.s. on that one. I know some women figure they are pretty hot....many aren't. There are just as many desirable in both genders and just as many undesirables. Sorry, there are many undesirable women out there as men.


What women think of their appearance is a moot point. There are fewer available 50+ men than women of the same age. The most desirable men (healthy, non-smoking, physically fit, & financially secure) can attract women 10-15 years younger, so that makes fewer of them available to women over 50---even those women who are attractive and accomplished. Consequently, I found myself dating mainly men in their mid-sixties. Since men don't live as long as women on average, there are statistically fewer of them in that age range.


Most our age are looking for substance and not just nice blonde hair and big tits.


You can only speak for yourself. What you personally define as "substance" might be totally different for the next man. But thanks for the backhanded compliment. :)
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 195
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/12/2013 9:03:23 PM
H-S, we may butt heads on here, but you're right.....The Male-Female ratio changes of the available, not married, around the 50 year range.......
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 196
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 7:04:30 AM
I’m getting bored playing ring around the rosy with you....could you be more specific, or is me saying a man is the WRONG MAN for me pejorative and/or contemptible to you? It’s nothing personal, ya know.


Then stop. Nobody is forcing you to do anything.

Saying that someone is wrong isn't what I was referring to. I think you know what I mean.

I don't take much of anything you post seriously, let alone personally.

Strong, assertive and confident aren’t synonymous with “impulsive.”


The behavior being discussed in this thread has as much to do with impulsiveness as it has to do with strength, assertiveness, or confidence.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 197
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 10:49:10 AM

Not always a given Confident-Realist. If I ask a woman out and she is not interested, my feelings are not hurt and I don't feel rejected.

If you actually did have interest in her and asked her out, and she rejected you, you will feel rejected, even for a split second even if you're delusional. I'm not saying one's going to be depressed, angry, or even upset at all. But you will feel the rejection. It's in the negative, if you had actual interest (and you meant it). She rejected you. It can be nothing much to you, whereas to another guy it can mean a lot... or with one girl it can mean a lot, whereas to another it will mean very little at all.

Fleuron,

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No no no. SHE is not responsible for HIS behavior.

I never implied that. I'm talking about risks. Most people don't like to give negative answers to others that will make them feel hurt. I'm not talking about behavior or even the intricacies of thinking -- just that they Can be hurt about it.

Some guys seem to think every woman welcomes being approached by strange men; some of us DO NOT.

Strangers or strange men? :) Yes, I realize that some women don't like to be approached by guys they don't know in social environments, and have social issues where if you're not a guy who at least knows somebody they know -- GTFO. That's a risk guys take when approaching women they don't know, even in social environments, where some may be there and Not want a guy coming up to them -- and possibly have a look of scorn for being approached as if they're knocking on their window in the supermarket parking lot to say "Hey baby". :)

Halcyon_Skies,

Men with options have the luxury of taking their time, versus being impulsive. They are not necessarily playing games

I agree. A guy taking his time and not trying to rush things but continuing to garner her interest and enjoy conversation isn't "playing games" with her. An onlooker or the woman he's talking to COULD be impatient and take it as such. Or in another instance, the guy could merely not be the suavest guy in the world by any means, but he's not trying to play any games at all -- he just goes about things at a different pace in a different way.

That meant sometimes taking the initiative and asking out a man that interested me, rather than waiting around or hinting for him to ask me out. Life's too short for that "rules" nonsense.

Totally agree. Real "playing games" is where a woman thinks she has to have the guy follow certain rules, and one of the rules is that she can't bring up the notion of ever going out or exchanging #s. Those who strictly follow those rules have No Room to accuse others of playing games! That IS playing games! :)
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 198
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 1:10:42 PM
And it wasn't a backhanded compliment; some of us don't find the ditzy Barbie look attractive, but many do.


I think your vitriol towards me is misdirected. I'm in favor of women asking men out, as are the majority of men in this thread. The fact that you don't like my appearance is in no way relevant to the topic at hand---however, while we're on this subject, I don't happen to find smokers or out-of-shape men to be desirable, either---especially when they take pot shots at the way other people look, yet post no photos of their own.


But yes, substance means something different to all of us. We all seek what we need and if we go on looks alone....well, that contributes to the divorce stats.


I'm still not clear what you're getting at---but it sounds to me as if you were rejected by some women for various reasons, and are projecting your bitterness towards women with a certain look. I don't know exactly whom you're accusing of going on looks alone---but you can rest assured that my SO and I chose one another for reasons other than just physical appearance.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 199
view profile
History
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 2:01:30 PM
I'd like to apologize that you took my comment regarding blondes and big boobs to be directed at you. It wasn't meant to, it was a general comment towards what some or many deem a necessary requirement in a woman...blonde, big boobs. The Barbie look. A look I don't find attractive. And no, I'm not in the least bit angry at women or being "rejected". Not angry at all, just didn't like the comment regarding "desirable" as opposed to "available".


If someone isn't desirable to you, their availability is immaterial. I think you somehow internalized what I said as a rejection of you personally, so you felt compelled to quote my posts and put down my hair and bust-size to even the score---then feign an apology.

That's pretty sad actually, but if that's the only way you can feel superior, have at it. My SO finds me very attractive, and in the end, his opinion is the only one that really counts.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 200
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 10/13/2013 2:13:14 PM
Confident-Realist:
I never implied that. I'm talking about risks. Most people don't like to give negative answers to others that will make them feel hurt. I'm not talking about behavior or even the intricacies of thinking -- just that they Can be hurt about it.


You:
But it's different "pain", and it's a Given, not a Risk. The risk is how upset he'll be, or fear of him possibly over-reacting (which is really low if she's cool about it).


My original point was that when a man approaches a woman, he is not the only one who will assume a risk….not necessarily the “risk” you are talking about, his reaction to her rejection, which I thought you seemed to have said is within her control. I think I see what you’re saying, though.


That's a risk guys take when approaching women they don't know, even in social environments, where some may be there and Not want a guy coming up to them -- and possibly have a look of scorn for being approached as if they're knocking on their window in the supermarket parking lot to say "Hey baby". :)


(Some) women aren’t constantly on the make, like some men seem to be. I have no problem being sociable and polite with men in social environments that I think you mean…and most men I interact with don’t morph into Rico Suave and try to pick me up, also I can divert things if I sense they’re going in a way I don’t want them to.

Just one thing I’d like to point out…..when the guy is taking his risk approaching a woman he doesn’t know, he is imposing a risk on her, as well.

hounddoug:
You only wish most people learned to be responsible for his/her OWN behavior because there is a good chance that his sister was the one who "started it."


I have no idea what that means.


As for the people who have learned from childhood to be responsible, would that not be learned from the behavior of others..?


So you DO think people should accept responsibility for themselves…?

Paderic:
Saying that someone is wrong isn't what I was referring to. I think you know what I mean.


Nope. I’m not as fascinated by your words as you seem to be.

wingmanrides:
there are more available women in the over 50 age range then there are men.


Younger men can be the sensible solution for some women.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?