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| | Friends after a break up. Is it possible?Page 7 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | When meeting and dating someone who is still friends with their ex, there are a couple of deal breakers for me. I've been on a couple of first meets where the girl said that her ex is her best friend. Off to the gallows. So anything I say to her will be relayed to her best friend ex for evaluation and hidden man meanings and chances are she will spend just as much time or more time with her ex than with any new guy. Plus she would want to quickly introduce her best friend ex to any new guy to get his opinion. Not going to happen.
The other is what was brought up in other threads in the past: a man/woman going on a trip or spending a weekend away with an ex, claiming there's nothing sexual or romantic going on. In the other threads, the reason given was because they want to take their kids to Disneyland or whatever destination and they wanted to appear as one big happy family, also making the same claim there's no romance or sex involved. That gets a two thumbs down from me. Then there's the tension that can occur at any family gatherings where the ex is involved. I have no desire to be chummy with a date's former sex partner. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/27/2012 4:38:52 PM |
i always try to stay friends with my exes. its a great situation for a guy. i keep a girl around that ive had sex with and her current bf cant say anything about it or ill just tell her that hes being overly controlling, jealous, or doesnt trust her. either way, it NEVER goes well for him, trust me. and after hes gone (cause he definitely doesnt like me being around) ill still be there to "comfort" her. in the meantime, ill just keep hanging out with her, flirting, and crossing boundaries she normally wouldnt let people cross because we have history, and are comfortable together.
That only works if he is insecure and she is low class enough to let an ex come between her and her new man. In that case she is perfect for you Enigma. You're not her friend, you're just a dog in heat, and she's easy. Nothing to be proud of at all.
And as far as things not going well for him, I disagree, if she is so stupid that she doesn't realize you're just hanging around to use her for sex and to let you interfere in her current relationship then the new guy hasn't lost anyone worth having in the first place. Again you and her are perfect for each other. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/27/2012 4:45:20 PM |
That's not friendship, and I don't care what generation you were born into.
But all the old rickety folks like me are too ornery and feeble minded-like to understand and truly appreciate the concept of the Holy Grail known as Face book.
585 close intimate friends agree.  | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/27/2012 5:04:38 PM |
About friends after breakup, would very much depend on the breakup itself and the motives involved.
That's what I said in an earlier post. As the OP asked, is friendship possible after a breakup? Yes it's possible, not always, but it "is" possible. Yet somehow this forum has devolved to a "hell no, don't do it". It all depends on many factors and each relationship has it's own dynamics. I never though I would remain friends with an ex, until it happened. But I do have exes you couldn't pay me to remain friends with. Each situation is different and should be judged accordingly. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/27/2012 5:39:59 PM |
I had a childhood friend that I was friends with as babies, literally, spent several days a week with him, went to high school with him and saw him every day, and keep in touch with him online. We aren't friends, now, according to Janet Always, because I only talk to him online now since he moved to Florida. Wow.
Note that on the last page, it was stated, directly, that the younger generations keep up with their work, high school and college friends, and converse with them regularly, because online communication makes it possible and more viable than ways of communication of the past. These are now not friends any more, though, according to Janet, and are compared to a bunch of people on a forum that NEVER MET or the idea of online dating where people NEVER MET because it's apparently comparable.
What the f*ck? Read her post again. She didn't mention a word about people you once interacted with face to face.
I think you just look for shit to go on long winded rants about.
Why does it need to be "replaced?" Why do you have a limit on the number of friends you can have? Someone won't necessarily become your "closest, hang out with every day" friend, but that's not the question, either. I personally have, like, hundreds of "people I'm cool with" that are relegated to "keeping up with on Facebook," over 50 that I'd say are good friends, spread around the country/world, and like 20 close friends in the area that I rotate spending my time with. And most of the people I know are similar.
Apparently, you're just not getting that I don't consider exes FRIENDS anymore.
When, exactly, do you have 'too many' friends?
When one of them is an ex. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/27/2012 5:53:36 PM |
But I do have exes you couldn't pay me to remain friends with. Each situation is different and should be judged accordingly.
No it's not a case by case situation. This is where you keep taking the wrong turn. Be friendly by all means and end it lovingly. Be there for one another until both are strong and ready to be on your own feet again, but maintaining emotional intimacy indefinitely is not ending your relationhip. And that will put you out of integrity with anyone else you date or get intimate with after.
You are not over until you end the emotional intimacy. You still have messy little strings attaching you to your ex's. | |
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pfif
| | Joined: 7/21/2012
Msg: 157 | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/27/2012 6:21:47 PM | | sometimes you destroy the friendship while being together sometimes its due to not leaving or giving up on it but when its run its course get out b4 more damage gets done give it a long time then just maybe it can become friends ,,,,,,,,, | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/27/2012 8:33:16 PM | MDIYM59: you dont get it. im no longer her ex, im her "friend" usually her best guy friend too. she asks me for advice on men, which im happy to give my biased opinion on, tells me all about your relationship problems, ect.
a man not being happy with this situation isnt just some rare insecure man, its most men who are talking in this thread, and most men in general. any man who is cool with his current gf hanging around with her ex who is now her "friend" is clueless. and anyone so sure of himself that he isnt troubled by it is delusional.
so youre calling all of the women who keep exes as friends stupid? youre at least calling most of them stupid since thats what their exes are sticking around for, and my guess is most of the women know it. but its all ok because the new guy should be secure enough (and delusional enough) to be fine with the ex as her friend.
the even better situations are where i break things off with a girl i dated and she wants to remain friends with me, all the while hoping i take her back. when she meets a new man and they get together i dont bother to tell him that she texts me at night to say she loves me. im sure hes ok with her having her ex as a friend too. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/28/2012 8:29:14 PM |
i keep a girl around that ive had sex with and her current bf cant say anything about it or ill just tell her that hes being overly controlling, jealous, or doesnt trust her. either way, it NEVER goes well for him, trust me. and after hes gone (cause he definitely doesnt like me being around) ill still be there to "comfort" her. in the meantime, ill just keep hanging out with her, flirting, and crossing boundaries she normally wouldnt let people cross because we have history
Your own words say that you try to manipulate her for your own benefit, which a "true friend" wouldn't do. If your ex is being abused (mentally or physically) by her new man, I understand telling her he is "controlling or jealous" but you made it sound as if this is a game to you. By messing up her relationship so you can have sex with her again, a true friend would want the best for her, even after you two have gone your separate ways.
And I am not calling "all" women who think of their exes as friends stupid, only those who don'r realize when an ex boyfriend is trying to "manipulate" them for their own sexual gratification. A "smart" woman may ask an ex for advice, but will know the difference between good advice and when an ex trying to get in her pants. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/28/2012 8:51:32 PM |
Your own words say that you try to manipulate her for your own benefit, which a "true friend" wouldn't do. If your ex is being abused (mentally or physically) by her new man, I understand telling her he is "controlling or jealous" but you made it sound as if this is a game to you. By messing up her relationship so you can have sex with her again, a true friend would want the best for her, even after you two have gone your separate ways.
@MDIYM59, Ok then explain why an ex bf would be counseling his ex gf as she dates new men? Isn't the whole concept a little morbid? | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 4:03:12 AM | | MDIYM59: you haven quite "gone your separate ways" when youre still friends with an ex. most "smart" women will know better than to involve her ex in any current relationships in the first place, especially if she plans on giving the current guy a chance. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 4:51:15 AM | | lotustemple: because, in the real world, ex boyfriends often deliberately interfere in the woman's new relationships. Just because you don't like it, doesn't make it untrue. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 5:04:43 AM | | Exes are all different. Think of it as a property, if it's worth it take care of it if not then let it go because it will just cost you a lot headaches. Find another property that is worth taking care of..... | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 9:09:04 AM | My last gf wanted us to stay friends. We had arranged to see a band in a local pub to her and another band the day after in a town 30 miles away. Which meant I would need to pick her up both times. Not to bad on the local band but would mean I would have to go out my way to pick her up and drop her off from the band 30 miles away.
Now she left a comment on facebook about wanting to get laid. I made comment about this and she blocked me. I knew I would end back at her place after seeing the band. She never went to see any of the bands. When I made the comment I did not care if we still stayed friends as I would still end up paying for and driving her every where. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 3:53:50 PM |
So, where is my motive to remain "friends" with an ex? In your pants:
 (Oh oh oh oh oh ~ I so LOVE those that simply can't think above the waist. Thankfully? I have a number of ex's that have mastered doing so ~ bless their heart's)
I've seen hundreds of posts over the years saying "you can't have an online romance" and I agree. I don't think you can have an online friend, either.
Otherwise, you would all be my friends. Everyone stinking one of you...
That's not friendship, and I don't care what generation you were born into.
It's not? Really? When my child died, who did I call??? My BFF. She lives in FL. She helped me handle funeral (Celebration of Live) details, she took care of the benefit dinner to start the foundation in my son's honor and she spent HOURS on the phone listen (not talking) to me cry insistently. That's not a friend? Did I have friends within a mile of me geographically? Of course. Did I want them? NO. I needed her. You get out of ANY relationship what you put in. She and I have put in enough time (over the past 6 years)/effort/energy to know who loves who. It's so sad here. SO many put restrictions on who they like, care about, know, and even love. How on earth can one put a geographic distance on friendship??? Well, silly me, that goes right along with ex's not being friends. (And yet again? I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I only live my rich in love/rich in friendship life.) JMO  | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:15:11 PM |
So, where is my motive to remain "friends" with an ex?
In your pants:
(Oh oh oh oh oh ~ I so LOVE those that simply can't think above the waist.
I’d actually love it if I could think below the waist more often…
But…you forgot to quote the point of my comment:
i keep a girl around that ive had sex with and her current bf cant say anything about it or ill just tell her that hes being overly controlling, jealous, or doesnt trust her. either way, it NEVER goes well for him, trust me. and after hes gone (cause he definitely doesnt like me being around) ill still be there to "comfort" her. in the meantime, ill just keep hanging out with her, flirting, and crossing boundaries she normally wouldnt let people cross because we have history, and are comfortable together.
Maybe I should have included the word, ‘apparently’ for clarity.
When my child died, who did I call???
I am so sorry for your loss. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:27:04 PM |
Ok then explain why an ex bf would be counseling his ex gf as she dates new men? Isn't the whole concept a little morbid?
No Lotus, I don't think it's morbid at all. I value my friends opinions, don't you?
There are times I want to get there thoughts on a given subject, or they want mine. It's not like we ask each others advice on every little subject under the sun but there are times we ask each other about this or that. If we can help each other fine, sometimes we can't.
Like I said before, I'm not friends with every ex I have but I am with a couple. It's no big deal to me. I guess it's not something you'll ever understand, so I'll stop trying to explain it to you or anybody else. It is what it is, I'm still friends with an ex, and I don't think poorly of it at all. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:37:27 PM | | I would think one of the problems with remaining friends with an ex is when people see the two of you together, everybody thinks you are attempting to get back together as a couple again. The concept of being friends only with an ex is a foreign one to most people. Even if you explain to people that you two are platonic friends only, most people won't believe that, considering you two had a sexual history before. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 9:14:25 PM | No Lotus, I don't think it's morbid at all. I value my friends opinions, don't you?
Difference btwn us MDIYM59 is I learned that guys don't like other guys you dated hanging around or calling when I was 18, you still haven't learned yet. In fact they don't like any other guys getting too close emotionally besides family, hence a concept called "boundaries". I keep mine strong and well defined, no room for misinterpretation, makes for a very happy boyfriend.
If you live your life in a manner where your lover has to wonder, as in keeping up with your ex's, you just significantly undermined your relationship.
As a general rule, it's the narcissists who need the constant attention and keep ex's around. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 10:07:35 PM |
When I made the comment I did not care if we still stayed friends as I would still end up paying for and driving her every where.
And that's how it usually is. The guy still ends up paying even if they only friends. If you're friendly only each person should pay their own way.
It's funny how some women want equal rights without the responsiblity. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/29/2012 10:16:17 PM | lotus, youre a wise woman. the boundaries issue that you described is spot on. maybe we DO trust our significant other, but its so much better if we have no reason to even worry. when a woman is keeping her exes in her life, we worry. a mistake many women make.
rooftop: you are also correct sir.
good to see some people are still in reality around here. | |
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| Friends after a break up. Is it possible?
Posted: 7/30/2012 1:54:16 PM | maybe we DO trust our significant other, but its so much better if we have no reason to even worry.
I don't think lying or grand suspect of lying requires concerns. But I think two factors are involved:
a) How long ago did they go out and how serious was it? A 3 month relationship in high school, and she was your buddy's sister, and now 20 years later?
b) What kind of friends are you? 'Friend' is such a vague term. And what's the intensity of it, if it's one-on-one?
- Considered a Friend: Facebook friend who when needing advice/insight into something you or he/she may hit the other person up once in a great while. Much like an old friend.
- Friend within a Group: Someone who's a friend, 90%+ contained within a social circle of yours, where sure, you very well may have their number, but you don't converse much hardly at all one-on-one outside of the group
- One-on-One Friend: You converse one-on-one texting, on the phone, email, etc. You spend time together, one on one.
It's kind of like having a GF and her having one-on-one guy friend(s). Lying & cheating isn't required for there to be problems. I think you can take a very trustworthy person, and they could leave you for someone else -- or usually not for someone else, but for the idea of being single where other guys, even an ex, naturally *can* act as a catalyst for everybody to some degree. Maybe that's why you're worrying. That of course depends on the above + what you read off their friend + how your significant other's personality is.
There's a lot of factors at play. I wouldn't want a GF to have a one-on-one friendship with a single ex-BF from a year ago that lasted a really long time, no. Sorry. It would worry me, and should, if she was wanting on keeping a one-on-one friendship with him. | |
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