| | How to ask about debt......??Page 4 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | | Dont get married right away or the debt is yours too!! Live in sin for awhile.. no ones gonna care. Help out with the things the two of you feel important and leave the rest up to her. After all... its not yours remember.. peace | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 7/31/2012 7:32:17 PM | | I usually mention something finance related that I read or heard - like, "I read an article that claimed only X% of people contribute to a retirement account - do you think that's accurate?" or "I heard on the radio that the average credit card debt is X, and that sounded pretty high/low - what do you think?". It's a pretty light and easy way to approach it in a non-judgmental way, and in my experience it helps people open up a lot. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 7/31/2012 7:35:15 PM | MagicMark1975- I think you are smart to be wondering about this.
I do NOT agree with people who have said you should not and/or have no right to ask until the relationship is more serious or you are approaching marriage.
Financial problems/differences is one of the top causes of the end of relationships and marriages.
My ex was a financial train wreck.
I say ask her, you don't have to be rude or abrupt.
Something along the lines of:
"I need to know how you treat money and if you are in debt so that I can feel comfortable moving forward."
She could lie to you, but at least you won't feel like a fool if you find out the hard way and DIDN"T ask. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 7/31/2012 7:46:48 PM | If you are considering a long-term relationship, finances do play an important role, just as life styles and interests do. In your case, after only 4 dates you may be jumping the gun, but all the same, pay attention to how she spends, if she appears to be stable and is fiscally responsible in her every day life.
Some of the most intriguing people may have financial issues (none of which should EVER become you issue), while other, more stable people are just BORING! If her debt is associated with education, medical bills or home loans, then I would cautiously continue to date... and keep finances separate; if it's consumer debt, with creditors calling... I'd address it and ask her how/if she plans to repair it.
It sounds like this issue is super important to you and asking an uninvolved audience about her finances will never give you the answer you seek... just ask her, but approach it with an attitude of concern about your future and not an credit review.
If it's a deal breaker, ask... otherwise, relax & enjoy... these things have a way of working themselves out in the end- so long as finances do not become enmeshed with infatuation. Take care of your business and watch how she takes care of her own & good luck! | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 7/31/2012 7:51:56 PM | I never ask, I listen. Within a few dates most guys start saying things so I can tell where they are at financially. My opinion of one guy completely changed because he said he owed his ex money and couldn't pay it, but he could afford to date and pay for a dating website? I thought that was messed up.
I'm with you OP, I'm not interested in anyone who doesn't live within their means. I have no debt, zero, nadda, nothing. I realize that my situation is different than many, I do OK and earn a modest living, but I never spend unless I have budgeted for it, it's the way I was raised and one of the common values I am looking for in a partner. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 7/31/2012 8:23:30 PM | | I know what you are saying and it is nice to know where they stand financially but if there is one thing I figured out about women it is if you ask some certain questions they take it the wrong way and have a tendency to judge you based on it. I think a question about finances may indicate to her that you really like to move fast in a relationship which can be a turnoff. Sure its nice to know things like this but at the some time I wouldnt want you to jeapordize it before the relationship even begins. In other words why dont you figure out if you even like them enough before you start getting into things like that. Whats the rush as 4 dates is hardly enough time for a good evaluation. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 7/31/2012 9:00:15 PM |
I do NOT agree with people who have said you should not and/or have no right to ask until the relationship is more serious or you are approaching marriage.
Why on earth would my finances be the business of someone who I am not serious with?
Unless we are going to be "eating out of the same pot", is is no more their business than a stranger on the street.
In fact, I would be more likely to talk money with a stranger than some dude I am dating, because it would make me think that he either being VERY presumptous in ASSuming that we are going to sharing a household and eating out of the same pot anytime soon, or looking for someone with some bank to support him.
If they want to move forward into living together, I will let them know what my expenses run and he can let me know what he can afford to contribute. If an actual ring and marriage proposal is on the table, then we can talk about each others full financial status. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 7/31/2012 9:28:54 PM | | Four dates?! Come on, dude. I don't get why some people are so obsessed with money on here. It shouldn't matter unless you're living together or getting married. If someone asked me about my finances after four dates I would get up and walk away (whether my finances were good or bad - they've been both). My knee-jerk reaction would be that they're a "reverse gold digger", a man looking to move up financially through their women instead of the other way around, even if that wasn't true. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 8:46:13 AM |
Just ask them for their credit report .....Well said problem solved, and whilst your at it ask for a STD clearance from the doctor...Oh and ask her if she has life insurance 'Just in case' BUT alway's maintain the fact that you like her.
I think you do like this woman but, I feel you like your money more.
You cannot take your money with you..... | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 8:57:59 AM |
I certainly find it interesting how testy some of you all got over this topic.
Because it's not as black and white as you're trying to make it.
A mortgage on a house, a student loan, medical bills, all this stuff, that came as a result of being responsible, are something you'd see as being irresponsible.
There's a difference between having a debt that you responsibly pay, and having debts that you ignore. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 9:10:04 AM | | What I find ironic and a bit on the ridiculous side is whenever two people meet or talk, one of the very first questions everyone asks is: "What do you do for a living?" People ask this to get a variety of information, and the most important for the majority of people is to get an idea of what the person's monetary value is. If a guy says he flips hamburgers at Mickey D's, it means he works for minimum wage and many women will end any more contact at that point. But don't ask these same women if they're in debt. If you think asking someone about their debt load as being too nosy and none of your business, don't ask anyone what they do for a living. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 9:30:12 AM | ^ Even asking someone what they do for a living doesn't help. Someone can still be ass deep in debt. The last guy I met, had an * okay * job, but he also had a mortgage and bills and long story short was really not making it. He was doing anything to get anything for free ( criminally in some cases I found out). He claimed he was refinanced on his home after the Ex left ( which I found out was a lie ) but long story short of it all, even a decent paying job doesn't mean these people are not debt free. His finances are not what ended things, it was he mental issues I found out about !
I think it is damn near impossible to find anyone debt free these days. The only reason I am , is I paid everything off after my Divorce and have done very well keeping things under control . I also live alone and have had to really juggle stocks, 401K money and putting away what I do not need that I make. I also keep options open for relocation for better work. With this economy, choices are limited.
Debt in some cases can be a choice. I know people who just do not care. I know people who cannot help it. Again it is a matter of why, and HOW it is being handled.
I have no issues discussing things pretty fast into a relationship because I hate the * oh by the way's *. The worst thing anyone can do is assume ! If things do not seem right be it debt, personal character or issues? ASK. Who cares? Better off to find out sooner than later. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 10:16:57 AM | If I'm only dating for long-term reasons, I think it's perfectly fine to ask the question upfront. Why would you want to waste your time, only to find out six months down the line that she's like 100k in debt? Seems a bit irrational to me.
If you're dating for fun, then you shouldn't ask that question because it might mislead the woman into thinking that you're serious about her. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 10:29:09 AM | Its easy to find out...you do it the same way you find all other red flags--you listen to the person talk.
If he seems irresponsible, immature, throws money around...duh, do you need to ask?
If she works a job your male friend used to earn $25K at, and she has expenses up the butt, is constantly flipping new cars and apartments (to stay ahead of the creditors), etc....duh, do you need to ask?
If she moved out of her parents' when a teenager, stayed out on her own, takes care of her needs....gee, think she's got a head for personal finance?
Of course, it helps if you know personal finance, what requires cash, what people can dump on a credit card instead, if you have an idea of income ranges...you don't need to ask if the person is in debt or near it.
again, there are plenty of red flags you can discover...just by paying attention. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 11:22:30 AM | I can see from the some of the responses that the people who believe it is prudent to raise this question early on have had this issue in their previous marriages or relationships and for them I can empathize, it must have been devastating.
I feel fortunate that this has never happened to me or anyone that I know personally. So with my experience if I were on a 4 or 5 th date with someone and things were going well and he leans in and says “by the way” how much debt do you have? I will maintain my position that it is inappropriate and none of their business. You’re dating! not moving in, not getting married, not going into business together, you’re dating. I mean the OP has only seen this woman 4 times, how much fun is he to date?
<div class="quote">I am definitely not the type to rush the cart here
<div class="quote">
Yeah, you are.
And you’ve also shown us women you’re this guy too.
<div class="quote">I won't get on a soap box here, but I will point out an interesting fact. Women seem to be saying their financial position is not the mans business. But these same women demand a man have his own nice car, nice place, nice clothes in order to date him. Feels a bit hypacritical no??
<div class="quote"> | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 11:33:30 AM | | What if there are signs that your date has money problems? Then how do you go about talking to you date about this? | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 12:04:26 PM |
I do NOT agree with people who have said you should not and/or have no right to ask
This isn't a question of having "the right" to ask...you can ASK anybody anything. If they are offended by the question,think it's NOYB, or suspect some underlying motive or agenda, they have the right to end the conversation and avoid further conversation/contact with you.
I'm in agreement with posters who say-"listen and observe", and I don't blame anyone for having concerns about this issue.
But the good Lord gave a person 2 ears, 2 eyes and only 1 mouth for a REASON.
Cindy O | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 1:18:20 PM | I have to agree with the posters here who say that until you're at the stage of seriously committing to a "live together" relationship or more, then it's none of your business. Your profile says "dating" anyway, no mention of long term.
If you're going to get married, then a nuptial agreement will take care of your concerns. In this day & age you'll be hard pressed to find a partner without debt! That's pretty much the norm. Or you may, but then she might rent or not have a car, in which case, you'll be shouldering a lot of the finances anyway if she moves into your house or you get a place together. You already would have far more savings/assets in your home equitty.
Personally I DO find this line of thinking shallow, unless the person was being hounded by credtors or something, or was HUGELY over her head in debt - but then bankruptcy would solve that, & wouldn't affect you. For myself, I think the emotional connection is far more important than finances. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 5:43:44 PM | | Ya know what I'm just going to be an ***hole and just say it. Why not just both of you print up your credit reports, bank statements, student loans, car payments, mortgage / rent statements and anything else that you own and present them to each other on the first date and see how that goes? while your at it present to each other a complete list of doctor's check up results as well as an std test. Just lay it all out altogether >:-} | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 6:28:26 PM | MagicMark1975...
.... interesting how testy we get? Well, we're testy because we're on the internet and can be... (I'm trying versions of humor - my ex- said I had none.)
More importantly, consider if we're getting testy and you've received a bevy of different answers just for asking the question how much more emotional she might get?
First, if you listen to her conversations then you'll find out.
Second, I agree with those people who say
-it's too early
- what's your showing in this contest
- what's your interest in knowing?
Yes, it's a dealbreaker for you - but why? Are you hoping that she's financially secure because you're not? Do you have that ring in your pocket - fell in love fast? Maybe you should wait until you've had time to fall out of love? Maybe she has other dealbreakers?
Unless and until you are legally combining resources in some way (via marriage, co-habitation, implied consent to use each other's credit cards, business partnership - whatever)... it's really none of your business except how it affects you. If you're paying for ALL the dates -- that should tell you something. Is she always short of money at the end of the month -- that should tell you something. Is she always complaining about credit card bills (as opposed to the rising costs of everything) -- that should tell you something.
Talking money in general isn't taboo (and is certainly suggested - how else do you get to know someone), but asking her net worth.... slightly more iffy on the 'will she ever want to see me again'.
In my opinion, people who can support themselves don't really care about other people's finances until they're planning marriage. Then they consider if they can support themselves AND the other person; not if they must, but simply if they can and if they would. Once they've answered 'they would', then they can talk either sharing finances or pre-nup (I'm a big fan of pre-nups!) | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 6:37:37 PM | queenbeessweetness- You took part of what I said, my entire post makes it more clear what how I feel about this issue.
To be more specific, I DID NOT say you have to share this info with someone you aren't serious with. I said MORE serious, which indicates that the relationship is serious or close to serious. Would I ask or want to be asked on the first date? NO
By date #4-yes, I'm ok with being asked because I would be asking soon after that many dates.
We aren't all going to agree and that's fine, all this is jmo. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 7:49:15 PM | You can ask, but they might lie. How will you know if they are telling the truth.
They could be appropriate in all ways, then WAMMO, you find out that they are massively ff'd up.
This scenario ruined my life savings. Money I will never recover. Security I will never have again.
I would demand a current std report before sex.
I would ask about finances. Maybe 3 months out.
I would do background checks if things got serious:
(criminal/financial/physical/emotional) in case they were lying.
I would provide the same info.
I learned the hard way to take off my rosy-tinted glasses. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 8:39:48 PM | I agree with surfaceofficer. You are enjoying her company, apparently, and you hit it off.
You are not walking down the wedding aisle. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 8:45:05 PM | If he directly says, "I need to know how you treat money and if you are in debt..blah blah, blah," you better brace himself for rejection. That's just plain rude.
I keep an eye on spending habits before I step into the financial ring. You can usually see how a person deals with money just by how they spend or want you to spend....did they buy the latest Gucci bag even though they already had ten bags already? Do they even like to go to a shopping mall? Do they live within their means?
In these recession days, my splurge is to get a 99 cent burrito once in a while at Del Taco. | |
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| How to ask about debt......??
Posted: 8/1/2012 9:39:20 PM |
By date #4-yes, I'm ok with being asked because I would be asking soon after that many dates.
Date #4? Da fuq? Who on earth is going to be planning marriage or living together and eating from the same pot with someone they have gone out with 4 times?! Unless one is looking for an instant spouse or live in partner/roomate?
Unless you are going to give them money or vice-versa, why????!!!!!!!!
Date 4 you are still virtually a stranger to me, unless we have known each other and built of some sort of rapport and frienship prior to dating. Even then? Why the hell would a date be nosing around in your checkbook? You going to give them your social security # and potentially be an identity theft victim? | |
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