| | Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.Page 2 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | This is a singles trip - which means only that the people on the trip are not married. That is VERY different from a "swinging singles" trip.
I sure never asked him to cancel his motorcycle trip last week.
So, did he go on his trip last week? If so...he was single...he went on a trip...but he doesn't want you to go on yours, which was planned and prepaid before you met him?
Pretty early into the relationship for him to be dictating what you do and don't do, OP, especially when what's good for the goose should be good for the gander. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 9:42:07 AM | Thank you. Yes he went on his trip.
I have to admit that he made it sound like all singles trips were giant orgies but since he has never been I am not sure how he'd know. I did tell him I didn't think sex was a "mandatory" activity but he did shake my confidence. He knew from the moment that he met me I had already planned for and purchased that trip.
Just wondering, I have never tried to dictate to any adult what to do. Is there really a time in a relationship...
Pretty early into the relationship for him to be dictating what you do and don't do
when it's ok for him to tell me what to do? | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 10:29:38 AM |
when it's ok for him to tell me what to do?
Never...unless you're into that kind of D/s relationship thing.
You are your own person. It's one thing if you're at work and the boss tells you to get the report done by 5pm and another thing when you're at home with your SO and he is telling you that you can't go out with your friends, can't call your mom, what panties to wear with what bra, how to do your hair, etc.
He isn't your daddy, he doesn't need to be telling you what to do. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 10:47:25 AM | So many women post, acting as if they've never withheld sex to change a man's behavior patterns. If it were a joke, it would be laughable.
No one person should control the other by any means (coercion, bribery or otherwise). However it seems OP has already made her mind up and was in search of validation whether than advice. No one thinks that you shouldn't go on the trip. Common sense dictates that you do what you paid to do. If his problems with you going are so vehement than he should put his money where his mouth is and cough up 4 grand; I get that.
However, this notion that his "insecurities" (and yes, they ARE insecurities) are a bad thing or something unmanageable is absurd. It's almost like women don't believe in imperfect men who become perfect through perception anymore.
He's wrong to try and stop you...but if he doesn't want to lose you and exhibits that through emotion...that is a milestone. Men who listen to their emotions act differently then those who don't. If he didn't care for you, he would view this as an opportunity for HIM to move around undetected and do some debauchery. He doesn't see it that way. That could mean that he is considering you exclusively. If he doesn't mean that much to you than tell him so. You wonder why men lie to women: its because truthfulness based on emotion causes situations like this.
A lot of men are douche bags. My father wasn't the man he eventually became when he married my mother. Just because he listens to his emotions closer than I believe he should (for this exact reason), doesn't mean he is trying to control you.
Women have been trying to group us all in one neat package and reduce us to a science for as long as I can remember. There is a multimillion dollar book industry dedicated to that purpose. It doesn't work...because while you are trying to figure out the douche bags, the legitimately well meaning men are casually unattended to.
Choose empathy over judgement 100% of the time if you can. Choose logic above feelings 100% of the time if you can. It is the homogeneous mixture of those two equations (with godly faith and reverence) that equal the decision made.
I'm not defending his actions...but if you care for an exclusive relationship at all; sit down with this man and either let him know your feelings for him...or part ways with him. People who are insecure need validation, which (depending on his language of love) is not hard to provide. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 10:59:22 AM |
when it's ok for him to tell me what to do?
It's more a question of "when is it right for you to consider his feelings?"
That's up to you.
As far as your trip, I'd suggest he come with you. If he doesn't or can't for this time it's just gonna have to be whatever it is.
If you're going on a Club Med, I know from experience these are not orgies. Many people were married and together and the number of singles were about 50/50. Not much "hooking up" going on... it was more a big party of friends. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 11:11:40 AM | Surface officer, I always enjoy your posts. You are very insightful and I do agree that men that "listen" to their emotions are making a huge step. I don't believe there is enough support for men that are trying to break the emotional shackles society has put on them.
From my part I guess I have noticed that I can be manipulated if I don't do a reality check once in awhile. I think he is afraid I might find someone else but while I am willing to reassure him I really don't know what I could say to defeat his imagination. I support his emotional growth but I am not qualified to help him through the transition. Heck I still struggle with my own emotions so I can't preach. How do I point him to someone he will respect enough to listen to?
He really does believe he is within his right to ask me not to go. (he won't consider going because he doesn't like Bali, No he has never been there) | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 11:13:19 AM |
Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Murphy at it's finest. So fitting you go plan a wonderful singles trip and then meet someone you like.
I was thinking of going on one of those, but after reading your post, now I'm scared.
Interesting dilemma. I can see you going and meeting someone new and finding romance during your trip. I can see him finding romance with someone while you are gone. If you don't go this could come back to haunt him later. If you do go it might make him think differently about you.
I'm just glad it's you and not me.
Bon Voyage | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 11:35:44 AM | OP, put yourself in his shoes, how would you truly feel if he was the one going on a singles trip to Bali, where women would be hitting on him and trying to bed him? That's what happens on singles trips.
Think about it and you'll realize that he has a reason to be jealous and insecure. You are an attractive woman, you will be hit on.
I have a feeling that a lot of the opinions here would be different if it was a woman talking about her man going on a singles trip, I'm sure most would be telling her to dump the bum. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 11:36:09 AM | Surface officer, I always enjoy your posts. You are very insightful and I do agree that men that "listen" to their emotions are making a huge step. I don't believe there is enough support for men that are trying to break the emotional shackles society has put on them. From my part I guess I have noticed that I can be manipulated if I don't do a reality check once in awhile. I think he is afraid I might find someone else but while I am willing to reassure him I really don't know what I could say to defeat his imagination.
Thank you for your compliment first and foremost.
No one besides you can reassure him. Think about it like this: is a woman who has been played for a fool once going to listen to anything but her gut instincts if a man comes along and starts exhibiting the same behavior? She won't and she shouldn't.
Me personally...I don't launch these sort of campaigns with women who aren't my girlfriend (and there's a perfect little $300 necklace from Tiffany's that is optimal for sealing the deal). However his emotions, while manifested in a way that I don't view as timely or particularly helpful, are not in need of professional help. Defeating his imagination is actually easy if you can get him to open up about his feelings. It is a 'two birds with one stone' type scenario. Insecurity is the primary problem here; the secondary is fear; the tertiary is lack of control. Solving the primary issue will cancel out the rest. You will have to know what he is so afraid of if you go...and it has to come from his own mouth. Only when you know that for sure will you have the easiest time reassuring him. Otherwise...you'll just be guessing at what's eating him (though I doubt the laundry list is all that long).
It sounds like a lot of work (though It's not) and you might wonder if just tossing him aside is easier (and in a sense, it would be). You have to decide for yourself if this man is (or has considerable potential to be) worth it. No forum or person who has been through a "not-quite-similar" experience can do that for you. There is a reason that women believe that good men are scarce: they aren't typically easy to get...but they are exponentially easier to keep. I understand your conscern here, but men have a natural territorial nature that supports their tendency to protect that which they fear to lose. It is as real as a woman's nurturing nature. Unless you are sure that this man is maliciously trying to control you...seriously consider your options in communication before punishing him for that. At the end of the day...a man who isn't afraid to bear his teeth at competition is a good thing so long as he has even rudimentary control of it. Assuming that he is near your age, I would suspect that he possesses that and more. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 12:05:20 PM | Hey lovefun99 thanks for the reply. Did you miss the part where he just got back from his bike trip? Did I mention that was all singles? (I missed that part) I did mention that I didn't ask him to cancel right?
I am not sure it's fair to punish me because I am attractive. He is attractive and I don't panic when he leaves my sight. I liked everything about him until this came up. I would not purchase a singles trip if I was already with someone but this trip was planned and paid for months ago. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 12:49:03 PM |
I would not purchase a singles trip if I was already with someone but this trip was planned and paid for months ago.
You created this chaos by investing emotionally in a new man all the while fully planning to go on a $4000 singles vacation. That's not a little walk in the park or a singles coctail party, it's full on singles lifestyle. You also allowed him to emotionally invest in you.
Personally I think to have been in integrity you could have kept more emotional distance with him. Like maybe just one date a week. You let you two become in your words "a relationship" and now you are messing with him big time. Isn't a relationship exclusive?
Depending on how much you like him you could go to Bali and divert to another type of vacation, Bali is very affordable once there and surely you could find some place else to stay. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/3/2012 1:06:28 PM | Why would you need to ask? Shouldn't this just be a deal breaker?
It's never okay for him to tell you want to do, you are either compatible & in harmony or you are not. All you'd be doing is showing him you are willing to be controlled and then you'd build up resentment while he took more & more control. It's a lesson in who not to keep dating after you find out negative things about them. You barely know the man, how much worse do you think this might get? But since you keep asking for advice on things you should know in your gut are wrong, you may well want a guy like this. It's up to you. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/4/2012 10:07:18 PM | OP,
Just wondering, I have never tried to dictate to any adult what to do. Is there really a time in a relationship... Pretty early into the relationship for him to be dictating what you do and don't do when it's ok for him to tell me what to do?
No, there isn't ever a time like that. That was me being sarcastic. But apparently HE thinks there's a time, and this is it.
You created this chaos by investing emotionally in a new man all the while fully planning to go on a $4000 singles vacation. That's not a little walk in the park or a singles coctail party, it's full on singles lifestyle. You also allowed him to emotionally invest in you.
Personally I think to have been in integrity you could have kept more emotional distance with him. Like maybe just one date a week. You let you two become in your words "a relationship" and now you are messing with him big time. Isn't a relationship exclusive?
Wow, blaming it on the OP? You are SO far off base on this. FYI, going to Bali is an expensive trip. Maybe you haven't done any exotic travel lately, but it ain't your bargain-basement vacation. Has nothing to do with "full on singles lifestyle".
:facepalm: | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/4/2012 11:52:54 PM | Wow, blaming it on the OP? You are SO far off base on this.
Do you know her personally? You were there to vouche for her integrity with this guy? I didn't think so. Learn to respect other posters insights and opinions. Blaming is your terminology not mine.
Maybe you haven't done any exotic travel lately, but it ain't your bargain-basement vacation.
I go once or twice a year to Asia. Like I said before, very inexpensive in Bali once you get there. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/5/2012 7:06:40 AM |
Learn to respect other posters insights and opinions.
Perhaps you should take your own advice.
very inexpensive in Bali once you get there
But it's the "getting there" that's pricey. You live in Hawaii, so the airfare for you is less than the OP's cost. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/5/2012 7:13:06 AM |
I would not purchase a singles trip if I was already with someone but this trip was planned and paid for months ago.
I kind of hear you saying you should go because it's paid for, but nothing about you WANTING to go and being excited about it.
If he were smart, he'd be happy for you and make the best of the time you have until you leave -- a woman in love and happy is far less likely to meet someone else. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/5/2012 5:10:37 PM | Penpal46 - Bottom line is that you planned the trip before even knowing the guy and the cost of the trip is important. Go and enjoy! This is actually a good test for him to know how much you are into having a serious relationship with him. Personally, if I have to worry about what my significant other could do in a potentially tempting situation I would not have a relationship with her to begin with. If I can't trust you, you are on your own.
What I would do if I was him though, is to plan something very special for us to do before your trip! A long lasting reminder of what you has left behind at home, something that will occupy your mind while in Bali. Enough said. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/5/2012 6:56:25 PM | | Tell him you'll stay home if he gives you the $4000. I can see how you don't want to lose that. If he's insecure about it tell him you'll call him every night so he'll know you're not sleeping with another guy. I can see why he would be insecure since a lot of people go on those trips to meet people to hook up with, but losing $4000, that would be awful. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/6/2012 5:15:49 AM | If we were dating I would of took you shopping and bought you something cute to wear. Drove you to the airport, I would of pulled your body close to mine and gave you an amazing kiss good bye, told you to have fun and see you in a week. I am sure I would have had a moment or two of
insecurity or whatever.
But like you said, being faithful has nothing to do where you both are on the map.
Partnership is just that. We both have a life. If I need to control yours to feel good about mine, there is a problem.
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