| | Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.Page 3 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | #49,
"Tell him you will call him every night, so he'll know you are not sleeping with another guy"??????
You sound like a nice girl, but what the heck are you talking about? There are so many things wrong with that.
If my teenage son goes off somewhere for a couple days, yes he is to call me every night. My adult GF? No she has no curfews or call requirements. As a matter of fact, I want her to have a crazy blast while she is gone...she is on VACATION!!!
As far as people who go on these trips to hook up? A girl just going to the gas station can hook up.
Trust and Faithfulness are either part of you or part of a problem with you. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/6/2012 6:14:44 AM |
It has nothing to do with insecurity, geez, that's the favorite word of the very single crowd around here. It's gonna be wierd for him, period. He is obviously opening up to you which is a vulnerable period for anyone with feelings and the thought of you leaving the country for a singles trip is off putting at the very least. Understandable.
What I know of singles vacation clubs is that the popular ones are set up to get very sexy. Lots of group activity designed to get your hormones pumping etc... Encouraging casual sex is a constant theme, maybe yours is more conservative. I don't know of any that are and I am in the vacation business and have heard many stories and they are pretty wild. If it's one of the Hedonism resorts you may as well bring several boxes of condoms, don't trust the ones made in asia...
What else did he do for you to consider him jealous and controlling besides ask you not to go?
What a load of crap. A grown-up recognizes that people make choices every day and environment and opportunity do not change basic integrity. One either has it or doesn't, one either trusts or doesn't. A normal person wouldn't presume that he had a right to request canceling the trip and losing that much money. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/6/2012 6:54:51 PM | As some of the other posters have suggested, I think you need to have a talk with him . Acknowledge what is bothering him --he is worried about you finding someone else.
Acknowledge to him that you have wanted to do something for yourself in life and this is a step you have chosen in order to help you acheive goals. You have a tendency to be walked on and are keen on ensuring this does not happen.
Promise you will not hook up with someone else if he is not able to make the trip with you. You are just going on vacation. Bali is wonderful and you cannot afford to lose the money. IF he offers to pay, I would cancel.
YOu think the relationship you two have should be based on mutual respect and trust. ETc..
This is only the beginning and can set the tone of your relationship with this man, but learn to talk and don't rush to throw the baby out with the bath water. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:53:54 PM | What a load of crap. A grown-up recognizes that people make choices every day and environment and opportunity do not change basic integrity. One either has it or doesn't, one either trusts or doesn't. A normal person wouldn't presume that he had a right to request canceling the trip and losing that much money.
Really? You a big fan of single vacation destinations, and know all about them? Perhaps the OP will come back and tell us which one it is, or share the itinerary? Many many of them are wild and geared to hook-ups and some are tame.
I've worked in the tourist industry for 25 years as I stated before, but I guess you think you know more than I do about vacations in Bali. I've heard stories about some Club Meds(not all) from participants who came back early....big hook-up party every night. Much wilder than they expected. I can understand his concern.
Bottom line is she has every right to go on her planned vacation. But should she have created a "relationship" with a guy just prior to immersing herself in a singles vacation? That IMO is questionable ethics, high drama and not fair to the guy. The reference was not to dating him it was to having a relationship with him....big big difference. The proverbial having her cake and eating it too. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/7/2012 2:46:27 AM | That is a tricky situation for sure. If the OP knew this "singles cruise" was coming up, why get involved with someone? What makes you think it is fair to someone you supposedly care about to drop something like this on them at the beginning of a relationship?
Sure you booked it in advance, you have a serious chunk of cash sunk into this, but these are about YOU. There doesn't seem to be much consideration of your new boyfriend in there. From what I've seen, you should probably dump the guy, go on your cruise and have all the fun you want. When you get back, you can see if the guy is still interested in dating you. You caused this entire situation because you want to have your cake and eat it too. Of course that is your right but your new boyfriend also has the right to not be very impressed with you.
There are lots of scenarios like this one, many of them have their own threads in here. People make plans and then life screws it all up, it happens all of the time. The fact that you have so much difficulty understanding where your new boyfriend is coming from suggests to me that you should dump him and let him find a woman who understands that trust is something that can only ever be earned.
If I was your new guy, I'd solve your dilemma for you by saying goodbye. You have put a monetary value on your relationship...obviously, your new man isn't worth $4,000 in your mind.
This story isn't about right and wrong, it's merely about choices and consequences. Both you and your boyfriend have the right the make choices for yourselves just as each of you is responsible for the consequences of your choices. He isn't a bad guy for not liking the fact that his new girlfriend is going on a "singles cruise" with a bunch of horny dudes looking to get into her bikini...all day and night for the entire trip and you're not a bad person for not wanting to waste four grand on a trip you booked a long time ago.
Sounds like some really bad timing to me.
Edit-On a final note, it is amazing to read the things women write in here while calling men "controlling" and yet if we reversed the gender roles, there would be no discussion at all. I would expect any woman I've ever been with to tell me flat out "if you go on that cruise, we're through". In fact, most of them would have left if they even suspected that I might have considered such a thing in the first place. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/9/2012 6:41:08 AM | Lotustemple, by your logic, a single person who doesn't want to be molested should never leave the house. And really, she had no right to start a relationship when she knew she had the vacation planned? Because she knew from the get go that things would work out? Altert: Anyone who has any kind of trip planned cannot date until they take the trip. This is not an 18-year-old girl, this is a full grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions and evidently being accountable for them so barring flat out rape, if she is going to have fun on a vacation she probably doesn't even need an aspirin between her knees to keep her honest.
Surface officer, I always enjoy your posts. You are very insightful and I do agree that men that "listen" to their emotions are making a huge step. I don't believe there is enough support for men that are trying to break the emotional shackles society has put on them.
From my part I guess I have noticed that I can be manipulated if I don't do a reality check once in awhile. I think he is afraid I might find someone else but while I am willing to reassure him I really don't know what I could say to defeat his imagination. I support his emotional growth but I am not qualified to help him through the transition. Heck I still struggle with my own emotions so I can't preach. How do I point him to someone he will respect enough to listen to?
He really does believe he is within his right to ask me not to go. (he won't consider going because he doesn't like Bali, No he has never been there)
Sweetheart, since I'm now being vetted, I haven't been to Bali or on a singles vacation but I know the type of man you are currently encountering. At your age, since he actually has the temerity to ask you not to go to a singles vacation when he was JUST ON A SINGLES VACATION HIMSELF (yes the OP forgot to mention the motorcycle trip was a "singles" event) and says he doesn't like Bali when he's never been there, run lady, run as fast as you can.
This is someone who is putting his insecurities on you, they are yours to solve but you can't help him because if he was a grown-up man responsible for his own feelings he would be struggling with this on his own or perhaps letting you know he is struggling while he tells you to go have fun in the tropics. You will be reassuring this man about every man you encounter for the duration of your relationship with him. He is an excuse maker, hence the Bali b.s.
This type of person expects you to change and alter your plans while refusing to alter his. This is very similar to a post a while back. Woman had a male friend whom she was visiting out of town, the boyfriend refused to go with her but expected her to stay in a hotel because apparently she would be suddenly motivated to jump the guy's bones after not doing so for more than a decade, or she could cancel the trip and taint a 20-year relationship. Yes, it's not easy to allow yourself to be vulnerable but since it is impossible to control every moment of your own life let alone someone else if you find one of those they tend to make your life a miserable living hell.
And honey, while I don't tend to go here because I think it is a cynical way to live your life, perhaps the man doth protest so much because he got his freak on during his fabulous bike trip and consequently doesn't trust you to remember you are starting a relationship since he didn't bother with that little detail himself. Just a thought | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/9/2012 6:46:14 AM |
If we were dating I would of took you shopping and bought you something cute to wear. Drove you to the airport, I would of pulled your body close to mine and gave you an amazing kiss good bye, told you to have fun and see you in a week. I am sure I would have had a moment or two of
insecurity or whatever.
But like you said, being faithful has nothing to do where you both are on the map.
Partnership is just that. We both have a life. If I need to control yours to feel good about mine, there is a problem.
"Tell him you will call him every night, so he'll know you are not sleeping with another guy"??????
You sound like a nice girl, but what the heck are you talking about? There are so many things wrong with that.
If my teenage son goes off somewhere for a couple days, yes he is to call me every night. My adult GF? No she has no curfews or call requirements. As a matter of fact, I want her to have a crazy blast while she is gone...she is on VACATION!!!
As far as people who go on these trips to hook up? A girl just going to the gas station can hook up.
Trust and Faithfulness are either part of you or part of a problem with you.
OP, date this man, he's a grown-up | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/9/2012 7:00:45 AM | My point about getting involved with someone prior to a singles cruise is simple. You book a spot on a singles cruise in order to meet someone. It's not a trip or a vacation like you describe it, it's a very specific type of vacation exclusively for singles hoping to meet someone. Of course I would never get involved with a woman just before I knew I was leaving for something like that.
Your other information about him having done the same thing sort of negates the whole issue. If he's already set the precedence, he has no right to complain. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/9/2012 11:37:05 AM | Your other information about him having done the same thing sort of negates the whole issue. If he's already set the precedence, he has no right to complain.
There isn't enough info furnished to substanciate the above statement. More like a group of guys who happen to be single went on a road trip. Woohoo! Big difference from her vacation.
My point about getting involved with someone prior to a singles cruise is simple. You book a spot on a singles cruise in order to meet someone. It's not a trip or a vacation like you describe it, it's a very specific type of vacation exclusively for singles hoping to meet someone. Of course I would never get involved with a woman just before I knew I was leaving for something like that.
This I agree with. If packagedeal can't comprehend or show respect to others viewpoints, that's her issue. Your perspective is valid as well as intelligent. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 7:20:32 AM | | It's a trip to bali. If he doesn't trust you enough to tell someone that you are seeing someone then he is not worth dating. Anything you had planned before you started dating him should not be canceled when you meet someone. He sounds very controlling and insecure. I have been in a controlling relationship and it doesn't end well. It never gets any better. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 7:45:38 AM | There seems to be a concerted effort for people to downplay the fact that this is a singles cruise, not just any vacation.
So I did a quick Google search and took a few quotes from cruise line advertisements that go to Bali:
*********
We send trained hosts from our headquarters to organize get-togethers, (caulk)tail parties, dinner seating and more, allowing individuals or friends to travel as part of a large and fun-loving group of singles.
Kuta is also known as being a hub for singles looking to meet new people.
Every Friday night the hotel throws a party that costs $45 and offers unlimited drinks
Their watermelon martini and penne pasta gave me the energy needed for my evening adventures.
You’ve already picked the same cruise holiday, so you have something in common with your fellow passengers already. Simply get out there and take part in group activities and shore excursions.
...you’ll have instant companions and never eat alone.
*******
From the moment people start to show up, they are being put into social situations to facilitate their efforts to meet someone special. There are even people on hand to ensure that young women get seated to next to eligible bachelors at dinner...lol All night parties with unlimited free booze? Come on now.
This isn't grandma going to Alaska and playing some shuffle board along the way.
I don't think this issue has as much to do with trust as it has to do with respect. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 8:51:59 AM | For another person:
You can't fix crazy
You can't fix jealous
You can't fix controlling
You can't fix stupid
You can't fix psycho
You can't fix addictions
You can't fix destructive life choices
You can't fix money issues
You can't fix criminals
You can't fix........
You can only fix YOU
Run Forrest RUN | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 9:42:14 AM |
If the OP knew this "singles cruise" was coming up, why get involved with someone? What makes you think it is fair to someone you supposedly care about to drop something like this on them at the beginning of a relationship?
So, if you have been looking for a relationship, and someone awesome comes along, you should "pass" on the opportunity to get to know that person because for one week of your life you will be in Bali, where other single people will also be vacationing? Absurd. When you meet someone and you connect, you go for it.
If I was your new guy, I'd solve your dilemma for you by saying goodbye. You have put a monetary value on your relationship...obviously, your new man isn't worth $4,000 in your mind.
Or, you could replace the $4000.00 since it is so trivial to you.
Edit-On a final note, it is amazing to read the things women write in here while calling men "controlling" and yet if we reversed the gender roles, there would be no discussion at all.
Right. Men are always offering to cancel plans to appease women who go all possessive on them. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 10:01:20 AM | Well i have just had something similar .. and posted a question a few days ago .. why are things so one sided ? I met someone a few months ago and it seems they have a similar trait .. i went on a holiday booked months before with a girl freind and he threw a tantrum when i didnt text one night .. then low and behold he went away with his sons and sent 2 messages in 1 week !!
He consistantly questionned where i was and what i was doing and even accused me of lying when my car broke down and said it was an excuse not to see him !!
I am glad to say i was given loads of advice and moved on .. deleted and blocked his phone number . Plenty of fish ... remember ... thats exactly it , loads of lovely single people ( some on here .. some just waiting to bump into you at tesco ) :) ... my advice is to look for someone caring and not demanding and someone who deserves to be with you and give you their blessing to go on holiday :) .. seems he has a few issues .. just like **** did ! enjoy bali :) x | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 11:22:29 AM | I was going to pass on this one, but the reactions really prompted some thoughts. The opening post was OK, but lacked the depth of later updates from the OP. The reactions(answers) go from funny to fairly strange! Hahahahaha!
First off, a singles vacation is designed to meet the opposite sex, next they vary from the mundane to the bacchanalian!(think I got that right..lol) Since only you OP, know what the setting or group is like, and how you act in that kind of group setting, it's up to you.
My first reaction was to be somewhat supportive of the guys plight. We all know that feeling of meeting someone and wanting more, certainly not wanting someone going somewhere that evokes visions of orgies. I agree with one poster, depending on the details, that a motorcycle trip is not the same thing.
I also question whether he is controlling or just a jealous type or insecure. That he knew about this from the get-go, should have meant he had time to discuss and deal with his issues. I won't address what some have said about him paying you the $4k...to me that is senseless.
Simply put, you should go on the trip and have fun. You should also think about whether this is the guy for you.
Having checked your profile, you seem to enjoy travel. Now I don't know about this guy, but in my head, who wouldn't enjoy a trip to Bali...but that could just be me, I love the ocean.
The problem I have with many people is negativity. If I were dating a woman, and she were in your place. Why on earth would I ask her to forgo a fantastic trip like that? If a woman is going to step out on a guy, she is as likely to do that at home, as on any trip. Letting one's imagination run wild, at times can be fun, when you let it become a weight around someone elses neck, not so much.
Just some thoughts... | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 2:22:31 PM | I don't think this issue has as much to do with trust as it has to do with respect.
Being single is obviouly more important during this stage in the OP's life and that' fine. However taking casualties is not cool.
If she really wanted a relationship and he rocked her world, she could still go to Bali, stay in the paid for hotel or cruise ship but doing her own thing, not the singles group schedule. Easy fix. Or she could spend another couple hundred max and find another hotel. You can get a decent place for $25 a night there and spend all day with a tour group not to be lonely. Bali is a fabulously spiritual country, great for alone time and personal reflection. | |
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ro1970
| | Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 70 | |
| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 6:01:27 PM | Well OP…..if your boyfriend is already showing signs of jealousy and control after roughly 2 months of dating, I can guarantee it will get a whole lot worse.
I had such a relationship about 2 years ago. – When my ex and I met, it was in the fall and I had a trip planned over Thanksgiving weekend. I basically was going to see some friends and family up north I hadn’t seen in a long long time and had 4 days to do that. I was upfront with him about it and advised I was going. He seemed okay with it but as the time got closer and closer, he started freaking out. All of a sudden he was CONVINCED I was going back to sleep with an old boyfriend….which could NOT have been further from the truth. I did wind up going and had a wonderful time catching up with friends and family….but when I got home here as hell to pay. – He kept accusing me of sleeping around.
He also knew I had a very professional schedule – work a lot of hours and also attend online graduate courses. But his jealousy continued and got even worse over time. – Every time we would go to say…..WalMart and a male staffer waited on me, he accused me of sleeping with him.
Finally, it got to a point I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I had an ill grandfather at that time and early one Saturday morning my mom called to say he was in the hospital. I met my parents over there, but before I went, I called my ex and told him what was going on and I didn’t know what kind of cell reception I would have there but I would reach him later on. – it was such a stressful day. My family and I pretty much spent the day in a corridor of a hospital trying to figure out what it was we were going to do with grandpa. Finally at about 8 o’clock that evening they admitted him. I got home at about 9 o’clock and called my ex. – He went into this tantrum over the phone yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs how he believed I was sleeping with every doctor at the University Hospital then hung up on me. Ten minutes later he called back – I was so angry I let it go to voice mail. – He left a long winded message that he is so sorry etc. and he would try to do better etc. etc.
For three days I didn’t pick up the phone or respond to his texts. – Finally on the fourth day he called and asked if we were finished. I told him we were and to not ever call me again. He asked why and I told him I just couldn’t deal with the jealousy, insecurity and his controlling attitude. I also told him I deserved better and hung up.
Why should anyone have to put up with that crap???? More importantly, why should you? You have to decide what you are willing to tolerate or not tolerate. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/10/2012 6:06:57 PM |
If she really wanted a relationship and he rocked her world, she could still go to Bali, stay in the paid for hotel or cruise ship but doing her own thing, not the singles group schedule. Easy fix. Or she could spend another couple hundred max and find another hotel. You can get a decent place for $25 a night there and spend all day with a tour group not to be lonely. Bali is a fabulously spiritual country, great for alone time and personal reflection.
I just went through all three pages of posts, nowhere did she indicate that she would have a problem doing something else if her situation was not respected by the other people that are going to Bali with or meeting her group. We have no idea whether she's gone to Bali before, whether she has a clue what the groups are actually like and I'd venture to guess that everything changes with each group since there are obviously different people coming together for each trip. I don't suspect that going to Bali and bowing out of the singles stuff was ever discussed. While she might be amenable to doing something to help assuage his concerns, should she?
The problem I have with many people is negativity. If I were dating a woman, and she were in your place. Why on earth would I ask her to forgo a fantastic trip like that? If a woman is going to step out on a guy, she is as likely to do that at home, as on any trip. Letting one's imagination run wild, at times can be fun, when you let it become a weight around someone elses neck, not so much.
I've been with a man who would never have ever questioned where I was going or what I was doing because he trusted me and barring flat out rape, he knew I would never cheat on him, period. I've been with a man who could have been reassured 24/7 and it would have made no difference. People cheat or they don't, again, environment makes zero difference and for most people $4K is a lot of money to flush down the toilet to make someone else happy. | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/11/2012 1:11:09 AM | Boy meets girl, they date and become exclusive, girl says "let's go camping this weekend" but guy says, "Sorry, I have a room booked in Vegas for a POF meet and greet".
I'm so sure you folks would be fine with that scenario...lol [cough]bullshit[cough]
Your new bf/gf of two months takes off to go party with other singles looking to hook up. Whatever.
I hope the OP has a wonderful time on her vacation and that her wonderful man is waiting dutifully for her at home when she returns so they can live happily ever after. Maybe I should be wishing her luck at trading up instead? | |
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| Prepaid singles trip and a brand new relationship two months before.
Posted: 8/11/2012 1:26:02 AM | | Why should she not go to the trip? $4000 is a lot of money. Mind you a singles bike trip and a trip to Bali is entirely different. If the guy can't trust her then he shouldn't be dating her. Mind you I would never wait for a woman, not when if it's only dating a few month. To me the relationship barely started, either move on or suck it up. | |
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