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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/6/2012 3:43:09 PM | | doesn't matter who contacted who first, it was only mentioned in regard has to what I should do. | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/6/2012 4:12:38 PM | My last relatioship of 2 years was like this. Beautiful woman and beautiful child but the mother just couldnt bring herself to discipline her little girl. Much had to do with guilt from her past marriage and the effects on her child.
At first I would just stay out of things, hoping the mother would take care of it but she didnt. Then I started talking to the mother about how I felt about things but that only put pressure on her, which didnt go well. When that didnt work, I started being vocal towards her child trying to help the situation but that hurt my relationship with the little girl and mother. Then I tried staying out of things again but it bothered me that I couldnt talk about things with the mother. Every time I would say something she would hit me with the "you think I'm a bad mother" guilt trip. As much as I would tell her I thought she was a great mother but that I didnt agree with how she disciplined her child, she would always go back to the bad mother comment. Once I witnessed the first temper tantrum as the mother sat there and took the tongue lashing from her child, it was crystal clear what our fights were going to be over. We just disagree on how to raise children. The mother would always say "her little girl was just a little different" which I disagreed with so much. The relationship ended after 2 years but it did give me a better understanding of what I'm looking for in a woman. | |
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Posted: 8/6/2012 4:40:58 PM | | quit acting like a whiny child light. | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/6/2012 5:32:03 PM | Thanks for sharing Singleinarlington, I don't think I could last two years like that.
You are funny Rivergirl, I don't usually feed the trolls especially when they are wearing clown shoes.... | |
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Posted: 8/6/2012 10:57:06 PM | What are these kids doing? Can you just be blunt and tell her whats on your mind straight out? Thats what I would do.
My son went through a phase where I had a hard time with him listening, I am very glad the man I was dating at the time stuck around!
Now I have just the opposite problem, sometimes when I tell one of the kids something about something they are doing or not doing, my boyfriend tells me to lighten up and chill because they are great kids and dont need me to be overbearing, lol. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 2:10:47 AM | Little things like not listening, for example: The daughter was sitting at the dinner table like a trailer trash whore, elbow on the table and legs spread open. The Grandmother asked her to please sit at the table like a 'lady'. The daughter's response was to shake her head, stick out her tongue and blow raspberries at the Grandmother. When the mother wouldn't correct her, the Grandmother picked up her plate, excused her self and finished her dinner in her bedroom. When the daughter was told she should apologize to the Grandmother, she broke out into crocodile tears screaming "No", that it was the Grandmother who was being "mean".
Just before the same dinner, the little boy wanted some candy. He was told no, that we were just about to have dinner, that he could have some for desert after dinner. While we were in the living room, the boy dragged a chair from the kitchen table to the counter were the candy was and got into it. Now that was bad enough, but when his mother told him to pick up the wrappers from the floor and put them into the trash the boy looked her right in the face and said "No". Now I know times have changed, but when I was a boy, if I had ever told one of my parents "No", after they told me to do something.... teeth would have went flying from my mouth.
Overbearing? Is that what being a good parent is called in 2012? | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/7/2012 6:34:47 AM | | conandoyle: i dont know about you, but its rare that i find a woman with well behaved children these days. the situations you describe are in the norm for me while meeting and dating single moms. many of the children these days also have mental problems that make it all even harder. | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/7/2012 6:52:48 AM |
many of the children these days also have mental problems that make it all even harder.
That made me lol. I dont think the kids themselves, often enough, have the mental problems.
Yesterday I was at the corner store bying cream for my coffee. Young mother is there with her kid. Kid is yelling at her to get a popsickle. She admonishes him with a finger " no no no, that's not very nice, my sweet..."....and hands him the popsickle.
WHAT? Kid WON. That's what a lot of people don't realise. "I have trouble listenning" or "It's just a phase" or etc etc or whatever.....
People seem to forget that as parents, THEY are the boss, and their kids will become either EXACTLY what they let them be, or THEM......... | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/7/2012 7:21:12 AM | | parents these days need to hold their own, kids have WAY to much say in whats what with most parents, and it's ridiculous. also the same disorders that are recognizable now, still existed in earlier times, they just went unmediated, and most children still ended up listening, and were more respectful. telling a kid that he or she can be bad because they have a.d.d. or what ever is just going to give them a reason to be bad. i grew up with a.d.d. and i was always respectful, and had/ have manners because my single mother demanded it. all a.d.d. is, is a disorder that makes you think way faster than everyone else, why give drugs to slow down a brain? lol | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 8:02:35 AM | | The children are absolutely a product of their environment. May it be their parents lack of time for them, learning that positive behavior does not earn them attention, yet negative behavior although negative attention does. Or seeing how their parents treat each other. Your issue and her issue with one another are nothing compared to the issues these children obviously have. How will this mother treat and or respond to her children if she loses a great guy or many great guys to her children's behavior? Sorry for the guilt trip. If you like this woman, help her. Talk with her. Suggest things that worked for you, if you did a great parenting job. It is possible that her stress from guys running away is a vast contributor, that is rubbing off on her children and influencing their behavior. She may take your help graciously, or she may take offense and push you away. Either way I think it is better than giving up. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 8:49:19 AM | Trailer trash whore? You said her kids were 5 and 11. That description is rude beyond belief.
Again I will say that the family is over crowded, stressed out and she is not ready to date. A smart man would have taken her out and not accepted an invitation to the home. you are probably in the same age group as her folks.
The family dinner table is no place to 'date', her parents sound like they have a ton on their plate, are trying to set good examples and are instead met with poor behavior from the kids and a mommy that is looking to score a BF while ignoring the kids.
Bad situation all around. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 9:31:01 AM | Wow Dr. CarolannO3O8? I was being very descriptive to make a point if 'Adult' conversation offends you, I'm sure there are plenty of Teen sites that would suit you.
Judge CarolannO3O8: We went out on a couple of dates before I was invited to this dinner at her home. This woman works Mon - Fri, does not go out during the week, so, if we were going to see each other at all during this time, it would have to have been at her home with her parents blessing. I did take them all out a couple of times first for dinner, but after paying for dinner and watching them not eat a single bite, but devouring the ice cream afterwards, I stopped. So, you see I was a "Smart Man" as you put it, and was simply being gracious in accepting an invitation. I was made to feel very comfortable by her family. It is a shame that you felt the need to become quickly judgmental. Yes, it is unfortunate, that as you put it, this turned into a Bad situation all around, but in this crazy dating world of adults with children, you roll the dice and take the chances, or you just sit home alone..... I chose to roll the dice. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 4:57:41 PM | From the tone you sound like you are way beyond frustrated and I hope you can end things without letting your frustration take over the conversation. My guess is that the kids are trying to cope with whatever issues led to the divorce, then the fact they lost their relationship with dad as they once knew it, know they have a mom who is overwhelmed and stressed, and they get to move in with the grandparents and be subjected to conflicting rules where no one establishes consequences b/c they are afraid to step on the other adults toes. And you wonder why they are acting out.
Now what you've described can be challenging, but also typical kid behavior. They are testing to see what they can get by with. This is normal. And due to the situation they are testing boundaries alot. Again normal for their age.
My son is told no about candy and then gets the chair to get it. Hmm I think he's persistent, he problem solves, he takes initiative to meet what he feels is a need. These are good skills...just used inappropriately. I make him clean the trash wrappers and then I hide whats left of the candy. Is he not listening to be disrespectful, probably not. Is he not listening b/c he has decided the risk is worth the reward, or simply b/c he forgot. If you understand why a kid does something ( to obtain or to avoid something) then you can react calmly and teach a better approach for the kid to handle the situation.
And I agree that with all the changes the kids have had it was a bad idea to throw you into their lives. Sounds like mom and the kids still need time to adjust to the changes. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 6:15:46 PM | capn: no, i mean LEGIT mental problems. i dated a woman who had a child that was diagnosed bi polar and i think adhd. that didnt go well. met another women who had a child with mild autism. didnt date that one.
i know what you mean about the parents though, ive seen the same things. kids are obviously in charge and parents just make excuses for their childs horrible behavior. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 6:28:25 PM | | omg..i feel you...i dont like bratty kids too, my bestfriend had bratty kids and i would have to tell her to take her kids home, i personally wont date someone with bratty kids, even teenage lazy kids..learned my lesson in that one. | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/7/2012 6:53:21 PM |
The daughter was sitting at the dinner table like a trailer trash whore, elbow on the table and legs spread open.
This is a little girl, I am sorry but anyone who refers to a little girl as trailer trash whore, shame on them. Kids sit how they are comfortable. In my area we are very laid back and not uptight at all, I dont know anyone who would give a flying fizuck about how someone sits. Really? Shaming her because she sits "unladylike".
Sounds like the family a a whole has issues.
Grandmother picked up her plate, excused her self and finished her dinner in her bedroom.
How mature of the old woman.
Now I know times have changed, but when I was a boy, if I had ever told one of my parents "No", after they told me to do something.... teeth would have went flying from my mouth.
Oh i definately feel you on that, same here.
Overbearing? Is that what being a good parent is called in 2012?
My boyfriend thinks I am a bit overbearing. I dont think I am. I actually think I am pretty cool. In my home, my basic parenting premise is that as long as you follow my rules and guidelines, do what you are told when you are told, and behave in a pleasant manner, your free time between school/homework/school activities and family time and activities is yours to do what you wish. I also give them a LOT of priveleges and luxuries. And my love, hugs, kisses, cuddling, praises, compliments, and all that warm fuzzy mommy stuff flows freely from me, like water.
They are very sweet, wonderfully fabulous children, I give them all the credit in the world for that.
But, for example, last night, my son was balking at coming to the dinner table when called to join the family.
He started whining and I told him to cut that crap immediately. I naturally have kind of an abrasive personality, thats just who I am, so when I get annoyed/angered/irritated, the whole house vibrates with it, lol.
My boyfriend says "oh he is such a sweet boy back off let him come eat when he's hungry, he can re-heat his dinner later".....well, yes he is as sweet boy and yes i can be bossy, but I did not appreciate being undermined, no big deal as we talked about it in private and kissed and made up already.
there is a fine balance to walk when parenting. I want my kids to grow up to be free-thinkers, to be able to govern themselves and lead their families, and not be timid cowering pansies who are afraid to step outside the box.
If they feel I am being truly unfair on an issue, I want them to talk to me about it.
But I refuse to let my house run like the wild wild west. Adults are in charge, not children. Children follow my rules. Bottom line. And if that makes me overbearing, WTF am I to do? | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 7:05:13 PM | | Kids need structure. This is where you take the little boy out to the garage and explain to him that you're the boss now, and the next time he disobeys you he's going to get the belt. There will of course be a learning curve as he adjusts to the new rules and needs to be reminded from time to time, but sooner or later you're going to have to be the man and teach the young man that actions have consequences. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 9:12:34 PM | | Monster children become monster adults. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2012 9:39:31 PM |
Little things like not listening, for example: The daughter was sitting at the dinner table like a trailer trash whore, elbow on the table and legs spread open.
Wow! You sure are a peach. I'm no longer sure who dodged the bullet in this situation. Bad behaviour can be changed, misogynist attitudes, not so much.
But, for example, last night, my son was balking at coming to the dinner table when called to join the family....
My boyfriend says "oh he is such a sweet boy back off let him come eat when he's hungry, he can re-heat his dinner later"
I agree with you QueenBee. If it is customary to sit down as a family, that's what happens. If your kid is not hungry, he does not have to eat but has to sit with the family. Family dinners are important for many reasons.
When my kid was young, there weren't as many nights to sit down to a family dinner because of my work schedule. Now we can't, because of his work schedule. When we did sit down for dinner time, he ate though because I wasn't running a restaurant. There was no heating it up for later, or other funny business. Thank goodness for meal times though, cuz that kid could run around and play for hours without stopping. | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:00:37 PM | queenbeesweetness
"This is a little girl, I am sorry but anyone who refers to a little girl as
trailer trash whore, shame on them. Kids sit how they are comfortable.
In my area we are very laid back and not uptight at all,
I dont know anyone who would give a flying fizuck about how someone sits.
Really? Shaming her because she sits "unladylike".
Sounds like the family a a whole has issues."
Like I said to another seek a Teen site if being descriptive as an adult offends you. Siting how you feel hasn't anything to do with being comfortable or up tight? I'ts called posture, those not raised in Trailer Parks will understand.....seen those older woman with vulture shoulders with their chins digging into the middle of their chest? There is a reason for that, if you don't get it,... then you don't get it I wish you and your bird children the best....
"How mature of the old woman."
I have a lot of respect for this woman who found herself in an unattainable position. Instead of making a scene, and tearing up this disrepectful, and disobediant girl in front of company, she made her point by leaving.
"And if that makes me overbearing, WTF am I to do?"
It doesn't make you overbearing? Don't listen to this Jerk you call a boy friend, no sex is worth that? | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:16:49 PM | starlight:
Wow! You sure are a peach. I'm no longer sure who dodged the bullet in this situation. Bad behaviour can be changed, misogynist attitudes, not so much.
I totally agree, just as I feel imbecilic unjust comments as yours are unwarranted. For the record, I adore women, almost to the point of worship.............but seeing how this is past your comprehension, I will just take your comment has that being from one who was not nurtured as a child..... | |
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| Monster Children
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:24:21 PM | | Mostly I agree with you audrianna333, except for your ideas on 'problem solving'. The same problem solving skills come into play when asking/telling a child not to eat candy before dinner, pop up later when telling a teen not to use drugs or whatever... if not corrected and shown that something is wrong from the out set, they will continue to find ways and "excuses" to do things that are wrong, and for this you will have to look into the mirror as to why things turned out so poorly | |
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