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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Separated vs Divorced      Home login  
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 kja71
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 76
Separated vs DivorcedPage 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Absolutely I do and it is a total deal breaker for me. I don't want to be with a person that is just divorced. I know how I felt at the time and I thought that I could jump right into another relationship and be fine. I was so wrong. I met a man that told me that I was going to have to go through a process and it could take a long time. I was so mad at him when he told me that.....It turns out he was right. I've been divorced 2 years and am finally at the point that I'm right with me enough to be able to carry on in a relationship if that's what I choose to do and not have the baggage that I had right after. I think you need to find yourself before you're going to be able to function in a healthy way after divorce.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 77
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/4/2012 1:22:11 AM
OP, now that you've given more information, I think you're going to have another problem once your divorce is final. I think you're going to find a certain percentage of women won't want to date you once they find out you're a 3 times loser, or 3 strikes and you're out. Not that 3 divorces says you can't find the right person and have a long relationship, just some are going to judge you for that, too.
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 79
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/4/2012 7:57:59 AM
Separated status by itself doesn't put me off. If I had refused to date my late husband because he was separated when I met him, I would have missed out on the catch of the century.

It depends more on the person than merely their status. One factor (out of many) is that a person who is newly separated is going to be in a different emotional place than someone who has been separated for months, or even years. Lumping everyone into the same category doesn't take into account anyone's own personality, morals, values, or personal reality. It places a dumpee into the same boat as their dumper, which isn't fair.

Dating - especially dating exclusively - is supposed to be a period of time meant for getting to know each other well. Rushing into another marriage or cohabitation arrangement isn't good whether the other person is separated, divorced or completely single.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 80
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/4/2012 2:34:41 PM
Unfortunaltely, some married men claim they are separated, to try to lure in an unsuspecting woman for sexual purposes only.
They lie & manipulate & say they're separated when they have no intention of moving out or filing for divorce. That is why, to me, being separated means you are married. I've had a married man claim he & his wife are separated, but they live in the same home, he claims is separate bedrooms. Another claimed they are married in name only, & although they share a home & a bed they are separated.
I stay away form anyone who claims they are separated because of my past experiences, to me, separated means you are still married. Your situation is different, as you are actualy separated, & waiting for the final papers.
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 81
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/5/2012 9:30:14 AM
As for myself I will use individual judgment. If I like her then I hope I won't be blinded by my feelings and yes It happens.
I have met woman long divorced and it becomes apparent that all they can talk about is a former b/f or lover then I can make my own judgement. I just last week dated someone that said her and ex b/f were done but I made him jealous and now they are back with each other. It's a risk, I was willing to take and I am a very sensitive person.
I almost thought the divide was intellectual, those that can make decisions based on observation and those that can't.
If that were the case then it would seem women are not very perceptive or bright and I certainly don't believe that.
From reading all the responses It seems the, I'm separated and my wife sleeps down hall thing is common.
I have not encountered that but yes it would concern me. I would still base my decision on observation and want to meet the husband and talk to him. I don't get scammed, by anyone so I don't worry about this trickery stuff.
It does seem though that some guys will go out of their way to scam women for sex and if it's all based on lies and deception I would call it a form of rape.
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 82
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/5/2012 9:50:01 AM
Separated is never an option I'd pursue again. Separated always implies things aren't quite over and there's the possibility he'll go back with his ex. Which is exactly what happened when I ignorantly got involved with a guy who had been separated for 2 years, "no possibilty of reconciliation, couldn't stand each other, just fighting over financial issues", etc. I found out he'd been seeing her all along and he eventually dismissed the divorce proceeding. Separated is too risky for me. But so is recently divorced.
 Whatheheck1
Joined: 11/16/2011
Msg: 83
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/5/2012 10:22:01 AM
I usually suggest to the "separated" women I meet that they go home and work things out. At least exhaust every opportunity to save the marriage and honor the commitment they made before God, their family and their friends

Others should show the same courtesy and restraint.

Divorce is a horrible thing. The grass is NOT always greener.

Not all marriages can be saved but clean up your house before you hit the streets!
 RuralUrbanNZ
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 84
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/6/2012 2:58:23 PM
What kills me are the nice ones who put single in their profile but are only seperated and not yet divorced.
One guy, we are friends NOW, only, has been separated for SIX years....he put single on his profile.
He says - she broke the contract and why should I pay for a divorce - and then - why are you the only one who cared about the divorce thing???

Boundaries.....
 Waterl
Joined: 10/15/2012
Msg: 85
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/7/2012 2:33:46 PM
Since it depends on the person, for me..separated means married..hands down.
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 86
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/7/2012 2:54:08 PM
Separated vs Divorced

YES there is a big difference between the 2..

some say oh its just a piece of paper,,well if its just a lousy piece of paper whats the hold up then why keep holding onto just the piece of paper an the married title..

if 2 people claim to hate each other that much an never speak or see each other an its over..then there should be no problems signing on the dotted line hell if it was me an i was married an couldnt wait to be officialy "free" legally single then i would be in a rush to hurry up an move on,,because i know that if i was for real about wanting to meet somebody an start something with them that most people would see that as a problem an that if anything was to ever happen i would unfortunately still be legally tied to that other person..

sure a person can go on an on about never this an never that an ill never go back but until the papers are filled an its officially done an over there will always be that uncomfortable feeling inside of always wondering if they will go back or if they are only bulls hitting but secretly still together an always feeling like the other woman..

actions always speak louder..

plus relisticly being married is something you can NOT keep hidden forever an dam sure if you did want to remarry DUHHH obviously you can't marry somebody if your still married yourself no matter how seperated you claim to be..
court system doesnt play that..
 Babeeblooz
Joined: 8/30/2012
Msg: 87
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/13/2012 1:31:04 AM
As long as you're being honest, I have no problem dating someone who is separated but then I'm not looking for a serious relationship. The ones to be careful with are those like one person I knew who was separated for a while then changed it to divorce for about a month and now went back to being separated. Those ones are almost always. Married.
 SaharaM
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 88
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Posted: 11/13/2012 4:51:15 AM

Since it depends on the person, for me..separated means married..hands down.


No, no, Water. It doesn't "depend on the person." For that to be the case we'd all have to be individuals with independent thoughts, unique lives, and valid perspectives.

If you read the thread you'll note that according to the OP, if you say what he wants to hear, you're correct. If you say otherwise, the topic is "over your head."
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 89
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/13/2012 6:53:12 AM
saharam
I had intended to just see how people feel.
This was apparently a dishonest statement.

You called me dishonest because I said I had intended to see how people feel. You have no way of knowing my intention, just because I jumped in and argued with some of the statements does not make my statement dishonest in any way.
My intentions were very much to see what people think, this and another newer thread, clearly show that the vast majority of women willing to comment have this separated means leper idea. I don't expect to change that but can still argue some of the points I find absurd.

The topic is not over anyone's head it just shows how many people can't think as individuals and follow some unwritten rules that don't always apply.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 90
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/13/2012 10:15:58 AM

clearly show that the vast majority of women willing to comment have this separated means leper idea.


I think the main reason women seem so turned off about it is because a lot of women are still dreaming of having a fairy tale wedding, even if they previously had what was considered a fairy tale wedding, which turned into a fairy tale divorce. Most women not only have a biological clock for breeding, they also have a biological clock for getting married. If a woman's clock for getting married is ticking, she's not going to wait for Prince Charming's divorce to be finalized. She is going to look for another Prince Charming who is available for marriage at any point in time.
 jdchic
Joined: 9/12/2012
Msg: 91
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 12/22/2012 11:04:40 AM
To me, if someone is separated, I want to know if the divorce has actually been filed. If they've filed for divorce, but it just isn't finalized yet, I tend to view that person as single. If they haven't filed for divorce yet, then I view them as married.
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 92
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 12/22/2012 11:41:43 AM
I've always taken separated on a case by case basis, OP. Separated as in, just moved out last week and bunking on a buddy's couch? Sorry, not interested. Separated as in, divorce proceedings are well underway, and by 'well underway' I mean basically just waiting for the ink to dry? I'm okay with that.

I also take it on a case by case basis as to how each man is handling it all. If he's bitter or angry in any way, then no way would I have wanted to date him.

This might also seem silly to some but, my unwritten "rule" for myself is, I never wanted to be the first person to date someone just out of a marriage, I'd have preferred they'd have dated others first so as to avoid a rebound situation. Might be silly but...

Case by case for me in all aspects. My now-husband, when I first started dating him, he'd been separated for over seven years, legally for six...and his divorce was just entering its 5th year. He'd also already dated a few ladies casually, and one lady for several months, a couple of years prior to that. The court sytem in our area moves very slowly, so he only had about 3 or 4 (if even that) court hearings a year, and even when the judgement came, it took another 8 months of waiting for court time to finalize things, because his ex refused to sign the papers and wouldn't show up for court. The judge finally signed off on the papers without her presence, she'd already been held in contempt three times to date at that point, and he fined her lawyer because her lawyer didn't show up the last time either.

So in that instance, I'm more than thrilled that I took a chance on "separated", since I adore the man to no end.

As for your profile, I don't see why it would be a bad idea to add a line or two about divorce proceedings well underway, just waiting for the ink to dry, type of thing so that any interested ladies will realize what stage you are at. Best of luck.
 love2laugh130
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 93
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Posted: 12/22/2012 11:51:19 AM
Yes, I pay attention to it. I have learned that after a divorce you need some time to discover yourself. I know it gets lonely, but don't rush into a relationship. I will not date anyone that's separated. But that's me; every one is different.
 KER6969
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 94
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 12/22/2012 2:06:34 PM
In my opinion separated is married and thus off limits. Divorced is single and unmarried.
 brisco414
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 95
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 12/22/2012 5:45:08 PM
Divorce is obvsioulsy more appealing but separated isn't a dealbreaker for me. I've dated two separated men. One was a positive experience and the other was not.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 96
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 12/22/2012 6:36:01 PM
i dated a separated man once.. he lied lied lied.. he said it was "almost final" .. when it wasnt even filed yet..

liars are liars.. has nothing to do with whether they are separated or divorced.

I dated a divorced man once... he was STILL married/separated AND had a live in girlfriend..

like i said..... liars are liars
 sel1970
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 97
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 1/9/2013 12:43:34 PM
I think it's unfair to not give someone a chance because they are separated. All situations are different.

For example: My husband and I split over a year ago and he is currently in love with and living with someone else. Our marriage was all but over 3 years before we split. He waited to file as a favor to me so i could keep his insurance.
Our divorce will be final in April. I have taken time to myself and am ready to start dating. I shouldn't be punished just because I'm separated. There is no hope or desire for reconciliation. We are co-parents and nothing more.

However, I will not lie and put "divorced" on my profile. I use "separated" but do list in my profile that papers have been filed and that the divorce will be final in April. Everyone has a story. Why not ask before assuming it won't work because they are not divorced. Also, I hate when people say that nobody should date until their divorce is final. Emotionally, my husband became my ex the day we stopped living together. Some divorces can drag out forever. AI'm lucky that mine is amicable. I always give guys that are separated a chance but I do ask about their situation so I know what I'm getting myself into. I also would like to add that divorce papers don't magically make your emotional baggage go away. I've know people divorced for years that are still hung up on their ex.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 98
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 1/9/2013 3:11:29 PM
I know a woman who has been separated for over 5 years, but can't file for divorce because her husband took off without prior notice and she hasn't had any contact from him and has no idea where he is. Getting a divorce would require contact and signatures from her husband. She has no idea if he's dead or alive or where he could be and has no interest wasting time and money looking for him. She has no interest in ever remarrying, so it's not a problem for her. She never had trouble getting guys contacting her on any dating sites, even though she lists separated as her marital status.
 tulipsforme474
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 99
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 1/9/2013 6:50:57 PM
I dated a separated guy, he'd been separated for about 5 years. Nothing bad happened, in fact we're still in contact 5 years later and he's still separated. My sister has been living with a guy for just over 20 years, he just got a divorce a year or two ago, apparently neither nor the ex were in a hurry. So...treat each as it comes and don't jump to conclusions. There is nothing wrong with asking questions and seeking the truth as there are many reasons they still may not be divorced and they're not all bad reasons (like the wife still down the hall).
 northwoodsgirl1
Joined: 1/3/2013
Msg: 100
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 1/10/2013 7:02:04 AM
as a divorcee, i've been there, done that....separated is not a deal breaker for me but if you are dating and separated, i interpret that to mean you are NOT living together and you are over your ex, ready to date. I hate it when I go out with a guy, think its going well, and then later on he tells me "i'm really not over my ex yet." Well then WHY are you online looking for love?? Sooo frustrating!! And that's happened more than once....
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